Chapter 21

I was kissing THE Leah Clearwater. I would never have thought this would happen. It felt like someone else understood my pain. She wasn't taking it away; she was just comforting me and I was comforting her. She was an amazing kisser though.

Something felt weird and wrong though. I felt a heart wrenching feeling. My head was pounding. I then came to my senses. I still had Claire. She was my imprint, even if she was only nine. (Authors note; I made Claire a little older for Quill's sake.) I felt instantly guilty even though she would understand when she was older that I had to wait so long for her.

Then my guilt just sky rocketed. This was Embry's girl. My best friend, my BROTHER"S girl! Even if they were dating or whatever in secret, she wasn't mine. I broke guy code. And what's worse was Embry was lying there dying. He was in pain and dying and I was making out with the girl he loved. His voice begging for me to kill him came rushing into my head. He trusted me over anyone else.

I roughly separated myself from Leah. She gave me a hurt, confused look. Then her face became miserable as if she realized what we just done.

"Oh my God! What the fuck did I just do?" She cried sinking to the ground. I could see she was about to break down.

"Leah, it's okay. Just calm down." I said kneeling to her calmly.

"No it's fucking not okay! Embry's in there dying and we aren't with him! We are outside, making out! We are fucking cowards! He is your God damn brother! I just made out with his brother while he lies there struggling to stay alive! I am such a slut! First Sam, then Embry then his brother! I am a worthless whore!" She cried. I tried to touch her but she cringed away from me.

"Leah that wasn't your fault! I take all responsibility! I don't know who kissed who first! But I shouldn't have even let it get to that point! I am his brother! The kid has had my back since we were little and I went behind his back and kissed you! I didn't even go behind his back! I just did it when he was dying! I am the biggest asshole alive!" I spat.

"I am such a pathetic whore!" Leah repeated.

"Leah you are not a whore. We are both hurting right now! We are the only people who understands each other's pain! It was our sick way of comforting each other! That kiss meant nothing! And I know that's not an excuse. But it will never happen again! Don't add this to the pain you are already are carrying!" I begged.

"He might not wake up! Then we will be standing there at his grave knowing we both hurt him! Knowing we never told him! And if by some miracle he wakes up, could you tell him the truth? Would you be able to keep it a secret? I could never look at him or have him touch me without feeling that guilt! I don't even know how I can walk back inside right now! We are horrible people! And he is too good for either of us to be in his life!" She snapped before getting up and running away from me. I let her run to. I let my guilt consume me.

Hours passed and I knew I had to go inside. I had to be by his side even if I was an awful friend. I went into the Cullen's and sat by his side. Jake, Sam, Seth and Collin were here too. It was late in the night when we heard her come in.

She looked like a mess; it was obvious she had been crying and drinking. I saw puncture marks on her arms where the heroine needle went into. Emmett and Carlisle were trying to stop her but they could really in fear she would phase.

"Leah what the fuck!" Seth exclaimed.

"What?" She shrugged.

"You take heroine now!? You know how addicting that shit is! We asked you to stop! You promised you wouldn't do this anymore! You promised me! You promised mom! You even fucking promised Embry! And you go out and do that shit while he is here dying! I don't care what relationship you have with him anymore! He risked his life for you! He got bit protecting you! And this is how you fucking repay him!" Seth shouted.

I wanted to throw up. She did all of that because of that kiss. I have never seen Seth more livid, more pissed in his life. I would never imagined him so angry at his sister.

"I don't know why he saved me! I am a worthless, pathetic, and drugged up, sloppy whore! First Jake with the newborns, now Embry! Why don't you pups get that I don't want to be saved! I am not worth saving! I a distrustful slut! First Sam, Embry and then Quill! Slut! Slut! Slut!" She screamed. All eyes turned to me slowly and my heart just stopped dead. Now everyone knew my shame.

"What the fuck is she talking about Quill?" Jake demanded standing in front of me.

"It's not a big deal! Leah just went out to talk some sense into me! And we were both siting there miserable and in pain. Somehow we ended up kissing! But I stopped it! It was only our sick way of comforting each other! It meant nothing!" I stuttered.

"It meant nothing! It wasn't a big deal! What the fuck is wrong with you? You just did the shadiest, pathetic thing in the world, yet you act like it was nothing?! Look at Leah! Does it look like it was nothing! Look at your brother who is dying! Does it look like this isn't a big deal!?" Jake shouted. I have never seen him so pissed either.

"That's not what I meant Jake!" I muttered pathetically.

"Shut the fuck up! Leah shut up! Both of you look at him! Look and see what that kiss just cost you! I hope he wakes up! I hope he wakes up and fucking beats the living shit out of you Quill! And I will let him! And I hope you eat that guilt everyday Leah! I don't give a fuck how much pain you're in! You two aren't the only one's missing a friend right now!" Jake growled. He turned sharply to leave the room.

I reached out and grabbed his shoulder. But I wasn't prepared for what came next. His fist connected with my face hard. I felt my jaw crack as I stumbled backwards. Jakes eyes flashed with regret and I could tell he felt bad for doing that. But we both knew I deserved it; I just nodded at him and he left.

Esme came up to be and gave me a towel for the blood. I felt my jaw starting to heal. Leah was crying hard and Jasper just walked up to her and gave her a sedative. We all let him too. I wished it was that easy to forget everything. I sat there in my shame watching Leah sleep in Seth's arms and watching my only brother as he was dying. It has been five months. He didn't deserve to be in pain anymore. He didn't deserve me as a brother.

"I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know if you are in pain. All I know is there has been a lot of shit going on. I know I am so sorry for everything. We are falling apart without you. We all need you; especially Leah. So fight hard. Just wake up and tell me I'm a dumbass. Wake up and beat me up. I don't care. Just wake up." I said feeling weak tears seep out of my eyes. I buried my face into my hand.

Suddenly I felt a weak hand grab my shoulder.