Author's Notes – Not mine….
So here we go again. I will warn everyone. This chapter did not turn out to be the big talk between Callen and Nell. As I was writing the chapter between the two of them, it occurred to me Nell has been pretty neglected in regards to her thoughts about where she is coming from. So, this chapter was born. It is a small glimpse into where her mind was during parts of the journey. It is by no means in depth, but I felt it was important to let her mind get seen on a bit of a larger scale.
Sorry it took this long to post. I had the chapter written and then this happened during the tweaking process. Couple that with the site having technical difficulties and real life, I was unable to post anything until today! Hopefully, you enjoy the chapter!
As always, please read and review! I would love to know if there are unanswered questions. Are there points that have not been clarified or just don't make sense? If you don't want to leave a review on the story itself, please feel free to message me directly. I will be more than happy to respond to any questions through that medium as well!
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The drive to her destination allows Nell's thoughts to drift over the events of late. It's hard to believe only been a few weeks have passed. Not even an entire month since he first reappeared. Since the realization of who he was and what he did to her. Then and now. Since she pushed herself to do the unimaginable in order to save those women.
Once she let herself breath, Nell realized saving those women was just as much about her as it was for them. She hadn't been able to see it at the time. Hell, not even a week later. She hadn't been able to see how she used them as a focal point. Told herself the reason she could be strong was because they needed her to be. Like she was unable to pull herself forward without the incentive they offered.
After the job was done and they were safe, the focus finally started to shift onto herself. The need to finish what had been started. To make sure Herrold didn't find a way to talk himself out of the things he had done. That is why Nell wanted to be there for the interrogation. At least that is what she told herself at the time. It wasn't really that though.
Thinking back to when the first attack happened, Nell can pinpoint when she created her safe place. An alternate universe of sorts where she could be someone else. A place that allowed her to be strong even when her mind said she couldn't be. She knows now the process she unconsciously started years ago isn't all that uncommon for someone who experiences a trauma. It doesn't mean they have a split personality. It just means that quiet voice everyone has in their subconscious. The one which allows people to talk themselves through decisions had pushed itself more to forefront than it may have otherwise.
Nate likened it to the personas Callen and the team use when they are on a mission. The people they have to become while they are in the field. They choose what they need to be to get the job done. Even in instances where they have no foreknowledge of the need for an alternate personality. They reach inside to create what they need when they need it. That's what she did all those years ago. It's what she did during the newest investigation of Herrold and yet again when she felt like Callen was pushing her away. She could sink into herself and know she would be fine. Use whatever tactics necessary to remove whatever the threat facing her was at the time.
She knows Callen pulled her from the brink that night. After she put herself out there to save those women. To capture Herrold. After the interrogation. Bursting in the room the way she did. The misguided notion that no one could ever know what Herrold did to her. Thinking back, Nell knows the team already knew. Maybe not all the details, but they knew. And, even with that knowledge, they never once turned their backs on her. Never once treated her any differently. Nell couldn't quite grasp why she was so scared for them to hear what happened. She just was. On whatever plateau her mind had taken her, Nell could only see one thing. Protect herself. No matter how unnecessary that thought process was, she could only see that reality.
When Callen came back to the safe house that night, she just remembers the fog. The feeling like she wasn't really there. It wasn't unfamiliar. It was just so much stronger. So much more than what it should have been. The abyss was winning. The alternate universe was quickly taking over her current universe and Nell wasn't so sure that was a bad thing. At least that is what she remembered thinking at the time.
The raw emotion Callen showed when he came back to the safe house after the interrogation of Herrold allowed her to at least find a foothold in reality. Allowed her to pull herself forward once again. Only once again, she wasn't doing it for herself. She was doing it for him. Once again, she was bringing herself out of her alternate universe for someone else. And that motivation was destined to fail. And it did. Time and again. When Callen tried to pull her back into reality the week following the interrogation fiasco. She tried. She really did, but nothing had changed internally for Nell. She was still in the same place in her head. So she played. And sang. Tried to find a reason to pull herself forward. One that didn't have someone else as the catalyst.
Just as seemed nothing was going to work. When she failed to find the strength on her own and when it seemed like Callen had tried all the tricks of the trade to reach her, he changed course. He brought them back to who they were. People. Not a shattered woman and an agent playing the role of shrink. He strolled into the house with bags of groceries. He didn't try to draw her in. He didn't give her all the reasons why she needed to fight. He was just there. Being him. Which, as it turned out, was exactly what she needed. What they needed. To just go back to being themselves and not focus on anything else.
And it worked. Holy hell, it worked so well. She saw this side of him that she hadn't really seen before. The domestic version of a man who had barely any belongings making himself at home in a kitchen stocked full of anything you could imagine needing. Even when she came in the room, he didn't say anything. Didn't try to engage her. Not until she put herself in there with him. After that, it was like all the barriers just imploded all at once. Like nothing was stopping them. It was exactly what she needed.
Cooking. Setting the table. Eating. Talking. Laughing. Listening to the music. Inviting him to dance. Touching him in ways she had only imagined. Kissing him. The noises he made when they tongues met for the first time. The feel of his hands on her face. Along the small of her back. Then everything stopped. Everything changed. One minute they were in sync. They were on the same page. Moving towards an intimacy she hadn't anticipated when the day started. A place she never expected to ever be. Nell knew it was right. She could feel how good they could be. Knew he could be the man who made everything different. The man who could prove everything she had believed all these years was wrong.
She finally felt herself fighting for something for herself. Pushing herself towards a place she wanted to be. No longer was the reason someone else. It was something else now. Something she could be a part of. Something she secretly worried would never happen. Nell finally reached a point where she could push herself towards somewhere she wanted to be. Then he stopped them. Walked away from her. He tried to explain. His words said everything was fine. That he wanted her. He wanted them. But those words conflicted with his actions. And she couldn't see past his actions. The ones that made it clear they shouldn't be together.
The next days were filled with such an internal conflict that Nell was beginning to wonder if maybe she was going crazy. Maybe this alternate universe she kept going to wasn't just a world she created where no one could touch her. Maybe the person she was when she was there is the person she was supposed to be. The one that doesn't allow anyone close. Insures she will be safe. Alone. But safe. In her lucid moments, Nell knew the only way for her to truly heal was to put everyone else aside. Find the reasons she kept retreating to a reality that could never be. She knew she needed to pull from her own strength in order to gain control. The problem was she couldn't find her strength. She couldn't see past anything other than it was too hard. Too hard to deal with everything that had happened and was still happening.
Then Nate showed up. He came out of the blue and threw everything off course once again. The mask that she had crafted wouldn't withstand the scrutiny Nate would offer. The logic and words he spoke to her permeated her psyche. His arrival made her see that as much as she cares for Callen. As much as she could feel herself falling for him more and more every day, she was using this other side of herself as protection against him. She could almost pinpoint when it was going to happen, but had no way to stop the process. This process of looking inward and pulling from one of the few sources that had always allowed her to calm herself before. In her eyes, retreating inside her mind allowed her a sense of clarity even when none seemed to exist. The problem was this clarity wasn't entirely accurate.
It took several talks with both Nate and Mr. Simons to learn how to stop the process. It took knowing the reasons behind this unconscious default mode to teach herself how to remain in the present. To not fall into the abyss of protection she created at a time when she saw no other options. She learned how to be present in reality for herself. Not because those women needs her. Not because Callen needs her. Because she needs herself. Once she understood this. Once that realization became second nature, she was finally ready to move forward. Ready to forge a new reality where this alternative universe complete with a secondary persona could fall away. A world where she didn't need a mask. One she could be herself and allow people to truly be close to her.
Except it wasn't quite as simple as it seemed. Knowing was one thing. Following through with the elimination of a place that offered so much was a completely different story. The triggers were still there. They were still just as strong as they had been before. The thought of trusting him was still so overwhelming. Logically, she knew Nate was right. Knew she could trust Callen. That she had trusted him. In so many places her life. Her instincts could be on point. Hell, even Mr. Simons said as much the night she gave Deeks her statement. He told her not to use Herrold as her point of reference in regards to trusting her instinct.
It took several more conversations with Nate to really believe she could trust her instincts with love just the same as she did in every other aspect of her life. That she could trust Callen and know he wouldn't hurt her. Despite her interpretation of the night she reached out towards intimacy with Callen, Nell came to understand she wasn't the only one struggling to find their foothold.
That is what tonight is about for her. Telling Callen everything. How much she wants to be with him. She wants to tell him she doesn't blame him for pushing her away that night. She needs him to know they can embark on this journey together. She just needs him to listen. Needs him to hear everything she has to say. Tonight she needs to tell him what happened all those years ago in that house with Herrold. The details are the hard part. Even though Callen knows the basics of what happened. That Herrold raped her. That she was a virgin until that night. How she accidentally happened upon a refuge made safe by an old man she had never even laid eyes on before that day. There is still so much Nell needs to say in order for Callen to know everything. And Nell needs to know that she gave everything she could to forge this relationship with Callen before she is willing to let him walk away.