Backstory, anybody?
Her fingers swirled around the spoon diligently, pushing it lazily through the steaming contents of the mug, her eyes studying the bespectacled face before her.
Cosima kept her gaze, eyes shaking behind her glasses as she tried to find the right words. Instead, for the better part of twenty minutes, they sat in silence, eyes varying in interest between each other and their drinks.
"Cosima." She started at last, licking her lips in anticipation.
The brunette lifted her heavy eyes, finally meeting the light ones across from her. "Y-yes?"
"Did I ever tell you about where I grew up in France?" she asked quietly, her tone taking no specific turn.
Cosima shook her head only once, choosing to keep quiet as long as she could. "It was a very small town, I suppose an equivalent to a village. I really don't think we ever surpassed 800 people to be honest. It was pretty much run by our local church, so it was extremely religious and solidified. Nobody ever really left, nobody ventured out of its limits. If you did, you never really ever came back. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She nodded again, gripping her knees beneath the table to cease the quiver in her hands.
"I want to tell you a story." Her voice was calm, far too relaxed for Cosima's comfort. "On the conditions that you will tell me one as well. D'accord?"
Again, a nod of her head, watching Delphine tighten her lips, finding her breath before starting.
"I had a cousin back in France, who is arguably one of the best people to have walked the Earth. Kind, humble, most giving person. Had the insufferable ability to light up any room they walked into." She smiled as she spoke, but her grin was far from happy.
Cosima listened, ears tuned to capture any break, any crack in her voice. "You couldn't help but smile whenever Tomas was. Everybody, and I mean everybody loved him. He was simply adored by our entire family and community." She smiled, as if for just a moment she could still smell his cologne, still hear his hearty laugh ringing in her ears. "We did everything together, attended school and university, focused on science, got our degrees together. Tomas… I suppose you could practically call him my other half."
"He- he sounds great." Cosima hoarsed, the corner of her mouth crooked upward on one side.
She nodded, taking a moment before continuing. "He left my life many years ago. Do you know why, Cosima?"
She thought about asking why, thought about shaking her head and indicating for Delphine to continue, but she knew the question was a loaded question and chose to wade in her silence.
"Tomas decided one day, when practically our entire family was together for lunch to tell us that he was a homosexual. I always had an idea, but I was never really sure, you understand? I remember him crying, his hands shaking and for the first time seeing the light in his eyes totally disappear. But he explained that he felt he had a wonderful family, one that loved him as much has he loved them. He was sure that they wouldn't treat him any different."
She couldn't help but scoff as the last of her own words, shaking her head and continuing the lazy ministrations on her coffee. "We were so young, just barely living our twenties, I remember just sitting there and suddenly hearing screaming. Tomas' father, my uncle, had him so fast up against the far wall, I thought he was going to kill him right then and there. My maman grabbed me, 'away from Satan's touch', as she put it, while the men hounded on Tomas, reminding him of his great sin and immediate abomination to the family… To say my family is extremely religious, that would be quite the understatement."
"Delphine-"
"Please, just wait." She said curtly, hand finding its grip on the table. "Weeks past, then months. I didn't dare ask about Tomas, but I cried almost every night. I never saw him around university, he didn't answer his phone, he wouldn't open the door. I missed him so much. And I was petrified about what happened to him. Maman said that there is no room in this family for homosexuals, and that that we wouldn't have to worry about Tomas tainting the young ones anymore. I never saw him again after that day. His name was spoken, but rarely. Always in a tone of… disgust and hate."
She looked up then, finding Cosima's gaze transfixed on the table, her cheeks flushed and lip quivering. The brunette couldn't bare herself to meet the Frenchwoman's eye. Pieces were starting to fit, corners starting to curve as the story unfolded.
"What happened to him, your cousin?" she asked quietly, her voice a thick whisper.
She shrugged, the only thing she could do. "He couldn't take it anymore, I suppose. Couldn't bear the weight of being so hated by everybody he loved. He… well he took matters into his own hands." Her voice was thick, heavy and weighed down my the swell in her throat that she was so desperately trying to swallow. Cosima watched her lips tremble before she grabbed it between her canines, holding it firmly in place.
"Oh. Delphine-" she tried, but Delphine stopped her, a shaky hand just held above the table.
"I remember going back to our small neighborhood for the holidays, my friends and coworkers, and Tomas's…'friends', they snickered and jeered as I passed in church and the streets. Feigning fear that I would touch them and somehow taint them with my family's ungodliness because of Tomas. How childish it all seemed now- even for adults. I was reminded relentlessly about how much better we all were now that he was gone by the Church. I almost began to convince myself that my family was right, he was a filthy queer and an abomination. He didn't deserve to be treated like a human because he didn't present himself as such."
"Oh, Delphine." She tried again, her voice was completely broken now, finally finally looking into the blonde woman's eyes. They were completely glassed over, tears running down her cheek and nose, splashing onto the table. "Almost?"
"I left then." She said quietly. "I couldn't take it. My work was becoming my life to the point that I didn't have one. But the lab, the one that we worked in together, seemed haunted to me. I never removed his things from it, so it was as if a part of him was always there that I never got to say goodbye to. I was suffocating, Cosima, don't you see that?"
Cosima knew, just knew that Delphine was replacing herself in the story, imagining what it would be like if she were to come out to her family. Would hands be layed on her, too? Would she be kicked out and never to be welcomed again? Probably. Surely.
"I realized that all this…this manifested hate and resentment and intolerance, it was all concepts that were learned. No person is born to hate another. And I couldn't… I wouldn't let there be any more stories that ended like Tomas, not on my account." Delphine paused then, taking the ginger moment to sip on her cooling coffee, her lips twisting in distaste of its watered down state. "I decided to teach- and I wanted the young ones. I wanted them to know that it is okay to be different, and that they are loved and to love everybody else. So here I am. "
Every single square inch of self-restraint she had in her body had to be gathered in order not to completely throw herself across the table and gather the woman in her arms.
"So… there it is, Cosima. There are my cards."
How desperately she yearned to hold her, to kiss her, to protect her from the shitty world that waited for her an ocean away. The pieces were beginning to fit now. They clicked together slowly, developing a picture that resembled the depths of Delphine's mind.
"I… I don't really know what to say." She mumbled, head tossed to the side.
Delphine shrugged sadly, finishing off the last of her cup. "I didn't really expect you to have something to say. But do you understand, Cosima? I am safe here. I am safe with my secrets here. But the people I date, the people I allow my heart to fall for, I don't want them to be secrets. But I do not want to lose my family either."
"Well that's just it, Delphine. We aren't in control over who our hearts fall for."
How true that statement rang in her ears, vibrating down to her bones with a proper shake. Her gaze faltered for a moment, eyes shaking away the welling tears.
"Listen, Delphine, I-" Cosima breathed, trying to figure out the right words. "I grew up with a pretty awesome family. My siblings are like, the most accepting and loving women I've ever met. And I figured out my sexuality at a very, very young age. So I have no clue what's going on in that head of yours. But I just want you to give me the chance."
She found her hands suddenly being pulled to the middle of the table, wrapped in warm, soft ones. Her heart-rate slowed immediately, her breathing leveled and her body relaxed. How odd it was, the reactions of Cosima's touch on her. Calloused thumbs rubbing the top of her hand with ginger stroke, offering some sort of comfort proposal.
"But it wasn't always that great, you know? I guess it's my turn to tell a story."
Delphine nodded pulling her hands away to wrap around her own body.
"Okay, well. My whole like, commitment thing- or lack thereof- wasn't always my case. A couple of years ago, I was actually in a hella long-term commitment with this one woman." Delphine could already tell by the drop in Cosima's voice that this story was rooted far deeper than she could understand. "We were together for…pfft, almost 5 years? Just about."
"That's a long time." She noted quietly.
Cosima shrugged, the corners of her lips quirking upward. "Felt like a lifetime, to be honest."
"Were you in love with her?" Delphine asked quietly.
Cosima scoffed, shaking her head. "In love with her?" she asked. Her hands , cursed with a violent tremble, were sifting through her bag beside her, retrieving a change purse from it's depths.
She side-glanced at Delphine, whose eyes were trained on Cosima's hands, and snapped it open, shaking its contents into her open palm. All that fell was a shiny band with a delicate gem fitted atop it. She held it carefully between two fingers, allowing it gleam whenever it caught the light.
"…I don't know why I'm even showing you this."
Delphine couldn't help but curl her lips in, her eyes trained on the breathtaking ring in front of her. "You, you were going to propose." She stated.
Cosima smiled sadly, taking one last look at the ring before tucking back away again. "No. She did. And I made the biggest mistake of my life."
"What was that?"
"Well, I said yes." She said sadly, a small quirk on the corner of her lips. "We were so in love, I swear the world spun around us. Moved in together, had a dog together, we had plans. Plans for kids, for work, for travelling. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with one person and one person only. God, we were just… we fit with each other so well. You want to talk other halves? I swear I thought I found it."
The genuine sadness in Cosima's voice echoed throughout Delphine's whole body. She sat there and listened, keenly watching Cosima's face, monitoring every little fault and rise and tremble. "What happened?"
"Well, we decided to tell my family about our engagement over dinner. So we spent days buying shit to decorate the apartment in, preparing food, trying to think up some corny, cutesy engagement announcement. She was working late that night, so she'd be home after everybody else got there. So we waited." She said simply, shrugging her tired shoulders.
"You waited."
Cosima hummed in agreement. "And waited…and waited." Her voice lingered, just for a moment, as if maybe even after all this time, the wait was over. "And then… then I got this hella long, fucked up voicemail on my phone. And she just kept saying 'I'm sorry, I can't. I'm sorry' and 'I don't deserve somebody like you, I'm sorry'. She was crying and it was loud and just… just so fucked up."
She was laughing now, a broad smile on her face that counteracted the tears streaming down her face in such a peculiar manner that left Delphine amuck in her own head. "In front of my whole family, she just… she just couldn't do it. She couldn't handle commitment. How fucked up is that?!"
There was no denying the choke in her voice now, slowly creeping its way out. Delphine just watched, unmoving, her arms still wrapped tightly around her own torso, allowing the welled tears in her eyes to fall as well. Cosima, her Cosima that was full of laughs and smiles, suddenly so exposed to her. She could feel the heartache radiating off, as if this all could have happened just yesterday.
"Quite, cherie." She didn't mean for the word to slip her lips, but it tumbled out with enough grace that she didn't realize it until it was too late. Cherie. How fitting the word was, even know. Even despite everything that has boiled down to this day, she was still her darling.
"So I kind of just bottled up after that, you know? I replaced her presence in my bed with others, but nobody could fill her spot. So I kept trying, and trying, and finally just said fuck it. I didn't want to know anybody else's name, I didn't want to see their face in the morning, I didn't care about how they felt towards me because I knew that I would never have feelings for another person again. Weeks turned into months, months turned into years… I kept trying to replace her with other faces. But it never worked- I still saw her, still smelled her."
She nodded her head, subtly, braving herself to reach for her hand on the table. "And then?"
"Well, " she laughed. "One day I was running late to bring my niece to a school function."
Both women couldn't help but smile now, catching each other's gaze and holding it, letting their eyes do the talking for a while. A million apologies and embraces flowed between then silently, pupils dilating and shaking as they held fast to each other's clammy hands.
"We all have baggage, Delphine." She cried. "We all have fucked up lives. We just never ask for help, because we know that nobody can help."
"D'accord." She agreed, allowing Cosima to reach over and swipe the tear stains from her cheeks. "I- I am sorry that somebody hurt you so badly. I'm sorry she broke you, Cosima."
"I don't want to hurt anymore, Delphine."
"Me neither." She nodded her head slowly, assuringly. "Can we, can we try to just start over? I know we've already don't this but can we just-"
"Oh shit."
Cosima nearly choked, plopping her elbow on the table and shielding her face with a cupped hand.
"W-what?" Delphine asked, eyes wide and she flipped around to try and figure out what Cosima was hiding from. In the blink of an eye, a moment was ruined, one Delphine had worked so hard to speak up on.
"Shh, shh. Just… don't move or anything." Cosima whispered. "There's a, a girl that just walked in. I think she's getting a coffee to go, just like, hide me or something. Please. Please!"
Delphine rose an unimpressed eyebrow, turning around to get a better view of the woman at the counter, despite a slew of Cosima's hushed curses. She was pretty, to say in the least. Freckled, ivory skin painted beautifully with tattoos, her clothes scarily similar to Cosima's taste, her hair a silvery purple, pulled into a knot atop her head. She carried herself with a nonchalant grace that could kill and comfort, leaving as quickly as she came in, oblivious to the hiding woman only a few feet away.
"That was close." Cosima mumbled, sitting back up with a sigh. She finally looked up to see Delphine with her arms crossed over her chest, waiting for an explanation. "Totally just killed the moment, didn't I? Shit."
"Well?"
Cosima ran her tongue across her bottom lip, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. "That's uhm. That's Elsie. I may or may not have given her the impression that I was more interested in her than she thought… then kind of never met up with her again after that night."
"A-ha." Delphine said, clearly unimpressed.
"Yeah… she didn't take it very well and kind of goes into 'crazy mode' whenever she sees my face within like…. A thirty foot radius. Like I said… commitment issues."
"Can you blame her?" Delphine asked, matched with a laugh that clearly stated nothing was funny.
"I guess not, no. But apparently I have quite the reputation on campus since undergrad, it wasn't really a surprise that I didn't want to be in a relationship. Word got around quick of what happened in my life, so I guess people kind of expected it. There were a few who swore they could 'fix me', whatever that meant."
"She's pretty." Delphine added quietly, exhaling loudly as she spoke. "Reputation…"
Cosima watched Delphine deliberately not make eye contact, her fingers tracing the lip of her coffee cup. "She's no match to you, though." The brunette assured, only to be answered with a deafening silence.
"Cosima, can I ask you a question?" Delphine finally broke after they sat there in silence, staring at both each other and their emptying cups.
"Yeah- yeah of course. Anything."
Delphine inhaled a tight breath, her bottom lip clamped down tightly. "When she left…how many women did you date afterwards?"
The simple words ignited a fire in Cosima, the flames licking right up to her throat, setting in the worst of worse heartburns. It was the question she never wanted to answer, the side of herself she never wanted to show… or at least not yet.
"When you say dated…."
"Is there another definition of the word?" Delphine asked, pulling her hand away from Cosima's painfully slow, wrapping her palms around her warm mug instead.
Cosima shook her head, shrugging. "No, I suppose not." She laughed nervously. "I've like…been with a lot of women…physically? But like I said, I was kind of the asshole that never called really called back the next day…and was never there when they woke up."
Delphine nodded her head slowly, sporting an unreadable face. "You were the asshole."
"I was the asshole. But nobody apologized for making me this way." She agreed quietly.
"So…" Delphine licked her lips, gripping her cup with such vigor to stop her hands from shaking. "How many? How many women like Elsie?"
Cosima sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and falling back into the cushions of the booth. "I couldn't tell you."
Delphine huffed, her mind reeling as she licked her lips and shook her head. "You couldn't tell me." she repeated quietly.
"Hey!" Cosima finally shot back, her eyes dark with irritation. She sat up straight, hands braced on the table, challenging Delphine's equally hurt stare. "I know we're both like, really raw and emotional right now. But it's no excuse, don't like… like slut-shame me. That's not cool. Especially after everything that just happened."
"Slut- slut shame?!" It was Delphine's turn to raise her voice now. "Is that what you think I'm trying to do?" The words were bitter on her tongue, but more so in her ears after Cosima's accusation. She glared at the brunette, not caring too much about the scenario that unfolded only moments before.
"It's what it damn sure feels like." Cosima spat harshly, her voice sporting the faintest rattle. "Don't try making me feel like shit for my life choices."
"Cosima." Delphine's voice was cold now, dripping in hurt. "I would never slut-shame you, how could you think that?" she asked. "How could you think I would slander any woman for the choices they make with their own selves? All I am trying to do is figure out how long you'll stick around with me until you find somebody else. Another name to add to your list…. Another face to hide from in coffee shops. How do I know I'm different?"
Oh.
Oh shit.
The way Delphine's eyes glassed over, blinking furiously to hold her tears back. "I won't blame you, of course. I just… I just want to prepare myself for the day that you don't call me back."
"That's not going to happen, Delphine." Cosima promised. "Please believe me."
"Isn't that what that woman back there led to believe?"
Cosima rose up from her side of the table quickly moving and sidling in next to Delphine, grabbing both her hands. "Delphine please." She nearly begged. "I, I like you. A hella lot, okay? You're the first person I've been with that makes me want to stay the night, and makes me want to talk for hours on the phone, and bring to coffee dates." She explained, releasing one of her hands to come and cradle Delphine's jaw.
"You bring out a part of me that I buried a long, long time ago." She confessed quietly, making Delphine look her in the eye as she tipped her jaw up. She was met with trembling irises, shaken with the fear of betrayal. "I like you, okay? I really really like you. Why else would I have worked so hard from the very beginning to even get you to look in my direction? Please believe me. Please"
"I suppose." Delphine reasoned. Still, her gut told her differently. "But what will you do if I can't give you everything you want? If I can't be that girl you wake up to and fall asleep to and be with?"
"I, I don't know what I want, Delphine, that's the thing." She confessed quietly. "But you are the first person that I want to stick by and find out."
"Cosima, I-"
"No, Delphine. Listen." Cosima tipped her head forward, kissing the blonde woman chastely. "You're not a name, okay? You're not."
"Okay." Delphine finally said back, licking the tears off her lips that trickled down. Cosima nodded against her forehead, brushing their noses together.
They stood like that for a moment, wrapped in the stiff silence before Cosima retreated back to her side of the table, Delphine biting back a whimper at the sudden loss of contact.
"I didn't mean to make this evening, em, how do you say, unconventional…"
Cosima scoffed, smiling and waving the woman down. "Delphine. We are probably the two most unconventional people. This should be as normal as it gets for us. I'm glad we got to talk."
"D'accord." The blonde woman sighed, trying her damn best to break awkward tension.
Cosima strummed her fingers across the table, catching eye at her watch. "Holy watershed, I gotta go."
"It's time already?" Delphine stumbled, gathering her things as quickly. She faultered for a moment, but decided to grab Cosima's hand anyway, warming it with her leather gloves and braving it enough to tuck them both into her pocket.
"Yeah, and this is one thing I can't be late to you- hey! What do you mean is it time already?" Cosima asked, burying her nose in her scarf as the cold evening hair nipped at her cheeks.
Delphine offered a thin lipped smiling, screaming guilty as she chuckled. "You possibly may have left a copy of your new class schedule in my room last semester." She revealed, earning an embarrassed groan from Cosima, followed by an infectious giggle. For a moment, just for a moment, Delphine felt carefree again, as if there was really nothing wrong it the world. Funny what Cosima's laugh could do to her.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, leading Cosima off her original path and to her car instead, opening the door and shuffling her in without question. It was far too cold for Cosima to take the bus there and back, she wouldn't have it.
"I didn't know what you're reaction would be…" Cosima sighed, clicking her seatbelt in as Delphine started the engine, pulling out and onto the street.
Delphine's hand found purchase in Cosima's immediately, threading their fingers together atop the middle console.
"You were afraid to tell an immunologist that you're taking an introduction to immunology course. I see." Delphine teased, pretending not to notice the growing redness in Cosima's cheeks. It definitely wasn't from the winter air.
"It's only the first class. What if I didn't like it? I didn't want you to think differently of me for not be interested in what you're interested in."
Delphine clicked her teeth, shaking her head with a small smile as she pulled into the parking lot of closest to Cosima's lecture hall. Killing the engine, Delphine quickly released Cosima's hand and grabbed at her jaw, pulling her in for a soft, lingering kiss. Their lips made dangerously slow, making Cosima whimper for more contact, leaning forward and pressing her chapped lips against Delphine's own.
"Cosima." She finally breathed, bumping their foreheads and pecking her once more. "I just, I needed to do that."
Cosima nodded her head subtly, barely hearing the blonde and only focused on the soft, perfect, pink lips just a hairs breadth for her own. "Okay." She surprised, leaning forward to capture Delphine's mouth hungrily. Cosima would say anything she needed to get Delphine's on her end of the stick, anything at all to please her. They kissed like it was a promise.
"Go." Delphine pulled away, regretting it completely. "Don't be late."
"It wouldn't be my fault this time…" Cosima smiled.
"Do you have a ride back?"
"M-mhmm. Scott is taking the class, too."
"Poor man." Delphine grinned proudly, kissing the brunette once more and watching her silently trek out of the car and into the building. Cosima didn't turn around once, gratified to know she had some sort of willpower against the blonde.
Delphine watched Cosima, her eyes never faultering until the large door closed behind her. She let out a breath, throwing her head back into the seat and spewing a slew of French curse words.
Her mind was torn. For the first time, science was failing Delphine.
"So why is Cosima different?" she cried aloud, slamming a frustrated and scared hand on the steering wheel. The feelings for Cosima could not be validated by any of her past self-experiments, any of her theories. It couldn't be.
This was something else, Delphine tried to convince herself.
Cosima. Cosima smiling in the morning, Cosima holding her until she fell asleep. Cosima dancing to weird hippy music and Cosima liking her.
Her mind swirled with every single quality Cosima had that Delphine was falling for, knowing that the lies she was feeding herself were dissipating quicker than air.
Delphine was never sure of anything with her life, she never had much control over it. She was told to stay in school, so she did. She was told to major in the sciences, so she did. She was told to love that man of hers from Paris. so she did. She did what she had to do to please and gain acceptance from her superiors.
Cosima told her to do whatever her heart desired… but she couldn't.
Her heart desired Cosima, but she knew, she knew that loving Cosima would be against everything she was ever raised with.
"Let's go!" her mother shrilled, tugging a small Delphine away by the wrist. The two young teenagers just stared on, locking eyes with Delphine as she craned her neck to look at them, their faces etched in with an unrecognizable pain.
"Maman." Delphine huffed. "Why did you yell at those two girls like that?"
The older woman sighed, refusing to make eye contact with her daughter. "Because they are accepting the Devil's temptations, Delphine." She tried to explain.
"But… they looked in love." Delphine thought allowed. The eleven year old's mind was not fully understanding, but she knew enough to know that what her mother said was practically law.
"Homosexuals are not in love. They do not know what love is because they deny God's love for them."
Delphine pursed her lips, not wanting to step down from this conversation just yet. "But science-"
"God willed it to be a man and a woman, Delphine." Delphine's mother snapped quietly. "I know you love science. But even that has flaws. So whatever is going on your mind up there, get rid of it." She stopped them in her tracks, gripping Delphine's wrist with such a strength that she winced, standing toe to toe with her daughter.
Delphine couldn't deny the shaking in her mother's blown pupils as she stared the fear of God right into her. There is no room for the Devil's temptation in this family. Do I make myself clear?"
Delphine gulped, nodding her head quickly.
"Crystal, maman."
"Crystal, maman." She muttered to herself in the car, the memory trespassing its way back into her mind like a slow, dark wrath. She swiped the tears staining her cheeks with the back of her hands, chomping down on her lower lip.
Delphine had to make lots of decisions in her life, but choosing between one person who expects nothing from her, and hundreds who expect everything, has by far been the most arduous.
Her buzzing phone knocked her from her thoughts, making her yelp and fumble in her pocket. A particular brunette with a cheeky grin illuminated the screen, accompanied by a message notification.
Cosima: im glad we got to do this xxxx
She couldn't help but smile, even as the welling tears continued to burn her eyes.
When with Cosima, all her problems melted away. Her mind did not flutter with science and family and work and opinions. Her heart completely took the reigns and its chariot driver was the American. It was no wonder she craved her presence so much. She stilled her spinning world. She made it okay.