When I Wasn't Looking

(A response to the prompt "writing.")

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B.J. was apparently so immersed in whatever he was writing on his notepad that he didn't even hear Hawkeye come into the Swamp.

Hawkeye stepped closer, decided to be nosey, and craned his neck to look over B.J.'s shoulder. Probably just a letter to his wife, he supposed. Same ol', same ol'… miss you, love you, blah blah blah.

The only part he managed to see was the beginning: When I wasn't looking…

Suddenly aware that Hawkeye was there, B.J. snapped his head up. "Hawk?" He also immediately put his hand over the notepad, covering his words.

Hawkeye smiled down at him. "You writing a poem or something?" For all the world, that's what it had looked like. "I didn't know you did that."

B.J. colored a little. "It's not a poem," he said, closing the notepad and putting it aside. "It's nothing."

"Oh. Well if you were writing something like that—a poem, anything creative—I'd love to read it. There's not enough reading material around here… but I don't have to tell you that."

B.J. just shrugged it off. "Nope, nothing creative, sorry." He stood and grabbed his bathrobe. "What do ya say, Hawk… shower?"

Hawkeye nodded and picked up his own ratty red bathrobe, but his mind was still on whatever it was that B.J. had been so desperate to hide from him.

Lord, but he didn't like secrets.

Later, after the shower followed by some coffee in the mess tent, he snuck back to the Swamp while B.J. headed to post-op. He'd seen where B.J. had tucked away his notepad, and he pulled it out now, feeling ashamed of himself for his snoopiness… but not so much that he was going to actually stop snooping.

As he read what his best friend had written, his mouth went dry and his heart began to pound. Of all the things he thought he might learn, this was certainly not one of them.

When I wasn't looking…

…I fell in love. In a foreign land, in the middle of a war. When I least expected it, I found myself feeling something that I never would have imagined feeling. I've changed so much over here, I almost don't recognize myself anymore. But probably the biggest change of all… the craziest thing that's ever happened to me… I've fallen in love with my best friend.

Deny or accept, confess or stay quiet… the questions swirl in my head every day and night. What's to be gained by saying something? What's to be lost?

I love you, Hawkeye. So easy to say. Impossible to say.

Everything would change. Everything already has.

That must've been when Hawkeye came along and interrupted his tentmate's stream-of-consciousness writing. Now Hawkeye read it a second time, slower, trying to make sense of it… his hands shaking now, and his legs feeling weak.

He was just about done re-reading it when the Swamp door opened and he turned sharply to see B.J. standing there, a shy smile on his face. "I know you like the back of my hand, Hawkeye Pierce," he said softly. "I knew you would come back here and sneak a peek at what I was writing."

Hawkeye couldn't speak, couldn't defend himself or ask questions or even make a joke. He only stood there, dumbly staring at his friend.

"But that's OK," B.J. continued. "This is good, because now you know. It's such a relief, Hawkeye, that you finally know."

Hawkeye swallowed hard and put the notepad down on B.J.'s cot. "Beej, I had no idea."

B.J. tilted his head to one side, studying Hawkeye's face. "But is it good news… or bad?"

Hawkeye's mouth curved into a smile and he walked to B.J. "We have a lot to talk about, Beej. But I would say this is the best news I've gotten in a very, very long time."

And he pulled B.J. into his arms, holding on tight and thinking, When I wasn't looking, my entire life changed. For the better.