I am sorry for taking a little longer with this chapter. I needed a week to reread the story and really think about its future. ;) I've enjoyed the story, and we're at a pivotal point. I didn't want to eff it up, and I needed Edward and Bella to speak to me. Review and let me know if you're happy/sad/etc.
A special thanks to VoltActionSniper, my-lil-pixie-friend, her badass sister, Absolutely Cullen and Topaztearz for helping with this chapter in particular. Shonda, you are so freaking wonderful, too. I was in this crappy bar a few nights ago, not nearly drunk enough and wishing I was home writing fan fic, when I read your review on my blackberry. It made my night. I love you.
Disclaimer: You know, and I know, that I don't own Twilight. However, I am still working on that stalker club...
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The restaurant was about to close, so we hurried in to get a table. The waiter's eyes widened at the sight of the four of us. I couldn't blame him; we made for an interesting group. He was surprised at our beauty and our pale, matching complexions. I thought it was funny that Bella looked just as pale to him as we did. I hadn't really thought about it, but Bella was practically as fair as a vampire.
The man was also disappointed that he'd have to turn us away for dinner. "I'm sorry, but we're closed for the evening," he said ruefully. "We are open tomorrow, though, until 10:00PM."
Jasper pulled out his wallet without hesitation. With a polite, southern drawl, he slipped the man a hundred dollar bill. "I'm sure you can accommodate us. We've been traveling for quite a while and could really use a good meal. We won't be any trouble."
The man stared at Jasper, awestruck. Jasper looked too young to have that kind of wealth to throw around. However, the man knew the staff could split the money, and it would equal all of their salaries for a week. With a courteous smile, he told us to pick any table we wanted and ran into the kitchen with the exciting news. I looked at Jasper approvingly. I liked him already.
After we seated ourselves in the most secluded part of the restaurant, Bella surprised us by being the first to speak.
"I have a favor to ask," she began.
"Yes?," I said curiously. Everyone else listened attentively.
Bella cleared her throat. "Obviously, you all have certain, um, communicative advantages. Unfortunately, I don't have any, and I really want to be a part of this discussion. If possible, could we please try to speak aloud, for my benefit?" She looked at me pointedly, and Alice laughed.
"I think that's a fair request." Alice was still giggling. "Edward, can you manage that?"
I frowned. "I can try, but I can't make any guarantees. I can't exactly turn off my, what did you call it Bella?" I gave her a grin. "Ah yes, my communicative advantages. But, I can try to be as open as possible."
"I just don't want secrets," she said firmly. "I want to know everything you know. You promised." Her chocolate eyes pleaded with mine. I reached up and put a finger on her pouting bottom lip, contemplating her request. I had no idea what Alice would show me. Could I promise to tell her everything? I sighed, realizing that I didn't have a choice. She deserved honesty, and we had already agreed on as much. She kissed my finger, still pleading, and I acquiesced.
"Okay. No secrets, Bella."
She gave me a satisfied smile. "Alright, then. That's all I wanted to say."
Alice raised her eyebrow doubtfully.
Bella blushed. "Well, that's all I want to say for now, anyway. I'm sure I'll say plenty later."
The waiter came over and took our order. The three of us decided to pretend to eat, and we chose random Italian dishes. Our booth was secluded enough for us to inconspicuously hide our food. Bella ordered spaghetti and a soda. I would feel so much better once she'd eaten something. She hadn't consumed a full meal since the meadow, and that felt like a lifetime ago.
Alice was keeping her thoughts busy by translating William Blake's Jerusalem into Sign Language. Once the waiter left, I leaned back in my chair and eyed Alice guardedly. "So, you're still keeping me out, huh? Is it that bad, fortune teller?" I was teasing, but I saw that Jasper got a little irritated at my disparaging term. I kept a straight face and waited for her to answer me.
Thankfully, she wasn't offended, having already anticipated my skepticism regarding her ability. She sighed. "As you saw outside, I started 'seeing' you several months ago. Actually, to be fair, I saw Carlisle a few years ago, and Jasper and I have been practicing your family's vegetarian ever since. You didn't start coming to me until later." She shook her head, remembering something unpleasant, and Jasper grabbed her hand out of support.
I listened intently, waiting for her to continue. "Just like you, Edward, I can't block out my extra…ability. I can concentrate on it, just like you can, but I can never turn it off. When I saw you, I knew I needed to find you."
"Well, what have you seen? Clearly, you've convinced Carlisle." I was growing impatient and wanted her to show me.
She spoke without breaking our eye contact. "You're going to kill Bella."
I heard Bella gasp and almost fall out of her seat. I stared in horror at Alice, and Jasper sampled my mood, ready to defend his mate.
"What?," I choked out.
At long last, Alice opened her thoughts to me. My posture went rigid as my mind became brutally submerged in nightmares that would haunt me for the rest of eternity. In each one, Bella lay lifeless and cold. In the more terrifying nightmares, I stood engorged with her blood. It just didn't matter. In every scenario devised, if I left Bella human, it would only be a matter of time. We would get too intimate, or in too close proximity to others of my kind, and I wouldn't be able to protect her. I couldn't deny the truth in what I saw. Alice was right; I would kill Bella. It was cruel, and it was reality.
At the heart of each nightmare was my hideous nature. I was the predator, and no matter how much I loved her, Bella was my prey. Our lives couldn't traverse without this truth rearing its ugly head. I'd known all along that I would be her demise. Bella had been right before; she was destined to die that night in Atlanta. My interference only delayed the inevitable. Of course I would destroy my sun and heaven; I was a monster.
Bella found her voice while I continued to suffocate. "Tell me what you saw, Edward."
I couldn't move or speak. I wanted to answer her, but I couldn't find the words to tell my beloved that I hadn't saved her after all, that I would kill her, and that our love wouldn't be enough to stop me.
"Alice?," she implored when I didn't answer her. "Tell me. What did you show him?"
Alice spoke quietly and full of remorse. "If you don't become like us, you will die. It doesn't matter whether Edward abstains from human blood, and it doesn't matter where the two of you go. It's too dangerous. I can't see the exact outcome, but he'll eventually kill you, and that will…kill him. I could run through the many scenarios I showed Edward, that I've seen, but…" Alice then shifted her gaze to look at me tentatively. Jasper stayed silent and alert, waiting for me to do something. I still hadn't moved.
Bella, witnessing my torment, shook her head. "No, I don't think that's necessary, Alice. I believe you."
The waiter returned with our drinks and food; the kitchen wanted to give their best customers speedy service. Upon seeing our pained faces, he hurriedly put down our order and left us alone.
"So, what do we do?," Bella said in a small, brave voice. "How do we do this?"
"No," I said brokenly, finally finding my voice. "Don't, Bella." I put my head on the table, trying to hide my agony from her. I'd hurt her enough.
She reached out to me, but I involuntarily flinched from her touch. I couldn't feel her warmth; I wasn't deserving of it. She took a long moment before speaking again, unsure of what to do. "When do you think we need to do this?," I heard her ask Alice softly. "How soon?"
Alice kept her gaze on me but spoke matter-of-factly to Bella. "Well, you begin menstruating in a week. Is that right?" Bella blushed furiously at Alice's comment, and my head shot off the table. I had forgotten that human women bleed monthly. How could I have forgotten that, and how would that affect me? What other scenarios had I overlooked?
"Yeah," Bella stuttered, "I, I'd meant to ask Edward about that." Her beautiful blush deepened as she gave me a furtive glance. "So, I suppose that's a problem?"
"Yes, it is. Edward really shouldn't be around you during that time, but I can't imagine him leaving you alone for a week. Because of how uncertain everything is, it may be better to do it sooner."
In Alice's thoughts, I saw a vision of how excruciating it would be to endure Bella's menstruation. I winced at the potency of what I saw. Thus far, I'd avoided direct contact with Bella's blood. Even through Alice's vision, the scent of Bella's flowing blood caused me physical pain. As I sat at the table, my eyes darkened with desire and venom flooded my mouth. I immediately felt the urge to hunt.
Jasper looked at me worriedly, sensing my thirst, but I waved him off. I knew how to control these urges, but if this was my response to a mere thought, it would certainly be much harder in reality. Even with human blood in my system, I was a constant risk to Bella's well-being. She was just too tempting, and I was just too deplorable.
"You're wrong," Jasper whispered. Bella gave him a curious look, and he clarified his comment for her. "Edward feels upset with himself. He thinks this is his fault."
"It is," I said. It really was.
Bella unleashed the full force of her eyes on me. "Edward, I told you I'm ready. I meant it. We can't blame ourselves, and we can't hate the world for putting us in this situation. We have to be grateful that we've found each other. Either way, I was dead. I know you don't like to hear that, but it's true. Now, I get to be with you."
I looked at the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen, and I said the only words that mattered. "I love you, Bella. I don't want to hurt you."
"As long as you stay with me, you can never hurt me." She brushed my cheek, and I trembled.
"You need to eat, Bella," Alice said gently.
We finished our dinner in silence. There was nothing more to say, nothing as significant as what had just transpired. We were all too tense, even with Jasper's bombarding us with positivity. I realized that, if not for his presence, I would've run from the restaurant as soon as Alice revealed her thoughts to me. His talent was useful, that's for sure.
We paid our bill and left, agreeing to meet at the hotel. Despite Bella's protests, we all insisted that she sleep. Jasper could feel how exhausted she was, and anyone could see the circles under her eyes. This had been an exhausting day.
I lay down next to Bella. Alice and Jasper excused themselves from our room and went to get one of their own. They could tell that I wanted privacy with Bella.
I hummed a lullaby into her thick hair. She whispered that she loved me and nestled into my arms with a soft sigh. My throat ripped with fire, but I focused on the pain. In a matter of what could be hours, I would never experience this again. As much as it hurt to inhale in Bella's scent, I didn't want to forget anything about her. Every moment mattered.
Once Bella's breathing steadied, I heard Alice speak to me in my mind.
"Edward, Jazz and I have a room right next door. We just checked in for one night. I think that we should head back north to Forks tomorrow. Jasper can go find Carlisle, and I'll stay with you and Bella. I think you can agree that he needs to be with us."
"Okay," I whispered. I knew she could hear me.
"Edward, I want to show you one more thing." I looked into Alice's mind, unable to refuse, anyway. Suddenly, I saw Bella and me by a crackling fireplace. Our skin matched perfectly, and our eyes were topaz. I was kissing her cheek, and she looked supremely happy. I felt our love for one another in Alice's thoughts. She was still the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. Her long hair and beautiful curves clung to me tightly in the vision. She was my Bella.
"I wanted you to see that all of this is going to be okay. And for what it's worth, you're not a monster. You deserve Bella, just as much as she deserves you. You'll feel happiness again, Edward." Without another thought, I heard her leave the door and go back to her own room.
I spent the rest of the night listening to Bella's breathing, memorizing its rhythm. I listened to her heart, the most significant sound in my world. I silently apologized for her loss, for everything that I'd take away from her. Lastly, I said a prayer to Carlisle's God. I'd never had a reason to pray before, but now, I needed to believe that there was an afterlife for Bella. When eternity ended, I wanted Bella to feel the sun again.
After several short hours, I felt Bella stir. Her hair was covering my chest, and her cheek was resting on top of her small hand. I knew she was awake, but she hadn't moved yet.
"Good morning," I said gently. "How'd you sleep?"
She propped herself up with her arms and rubbed her eyes groggily. "I can't trick you, can I?"
"Nope." I smiled.
"You stayed with me all night."
"Yes."
"Thank you," she said with meaning. "You must've been bored."
"No, love," I said as I stroked her back. "I was definitely not bored. I could never be bored with you in my arms."
She ducked her head and flushed. "Well, I sleep better when you're near me, so I'm glad."
She started biting her lip adorably, and I knew she wanted to say something. "What's on your mind, Bella?," I asked. "Tell me."
"I was wondering…what's it like to never sleep? I'm curious to know what to expect." She looked embarrassed but waited for my answer. I heaved a sigh and tried to be honest.
"I don't really know. I can't remember what it's like to need sleep. I suppose I have a lot more time, but then again, time means something completely different for me than it does for you." I shrugged. "I guess that's not a very good answer."
"No, it's a perfect answer. Do you wish you could sleep?"
"For most of this existence, I've felt like I was sleeping in a way. I was awake, but I wasn't really alive. I didn't start feeling alive until I met you." I frowned. "I only wish I could sleep when you do."
She seemed satisfied with my answer. "What do you miss most about being human?"
"Well, I'll never have children or raise a family. Granted, I never wanted those things when I was alive, but I died so young, I never really got the chance to want them."
I paused and thought for a moment, trying to give a more thorough answer. "This might sound weird, but I suppose I miss being a part of the natural progression of life. Everything in this world grows, evolves, but we stay frozen forever. After a while, you start to feel cheated. It's like there's something bigger out there, but you'll never be a part of it. You just have to watch from a distance." I grimaced. "And there's the obvious. When you're human, you don't crave blood. I miss being free of that."
Bella tilted her head to the side, absorbing my answer, and then asked another. "How long will I be like Emmett?," she asked with her eyes down.
"That depends. It's different for everyone. For me, it was about a year. I don't know what it will be like for you." She could hear the ache in my voice. I didn't want to discuss this, but I knew I had to.
"Will you make me a promise, Edward?"
"Hmm?"
"I don't want to kill anybody if I can help it. Can we go somewhere where I can't get to them? Will you help me? I understand why you've done it," she added quickly, "but I really don't want to do it. God, if I killed someone with a family…" She shuddered, and the look in her eyes broke my heart. It was so anxious and sincere. I wanted to be a better man, one that was worthy of Bella.
"Of course." I hugged her petite frame tightly to my chest, rocking her back and forth. I wished that I could apologize for everything, and especially for what was to come, but I knew she wouldn't listen to it.
"Please don't be upset, Edward," she mumbled. "This is what I want. I don't think I'm losing anything. Is this upsetting you?"
"No. I just wish I could be human for you."
She pulled herself off my chest and inched up to my face. Her scent stung my nostrils and twisted my stomach with thirst.
"You know what I wish?," she breathed.
I smiled crookedly. "You know I don't, Bella."
She returned my smile. "I wish you could read my thoughts. I wish you could see how I feel about you." She bent down even closer to me. "I want you to know that I'm not afraid." Finally, she closed the distance between us by pressing her warm lips to my marble skin.
I kissed her back fervently and wrapped my arms around her waist. I flipped us over and pushed my weight lightly into her. "My brave, exquisite Bella," I said against her lips, "We'll have an eternity to work on that."
I tried to be optimistic and think of Alice's vision, but I knew that the hardest days were yet to come. I had to survive those first, and I had to do all that I could to protect Bella. I braced myself with this realization, kissing my love with everything I had to give.
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zomg REVIEW please! Thanks for reading.