Healing Process
Chapter XX: Fix Me
Calm
down You're true
And get straight
It's not our eyes
It's how we
operate
You are
I'd apologize but it won't
go very far
"You're back early," Addison said when Derek came through the door twenty minutes after Ava had left him at the harbor.
"Yeah," Derek mumbled as he dropped his keys on the end table near the door and shrugged off his coat.
Addison frowned, "Where is Ava?"
"She left me at the ferry terminal," he said leaning against the sofa.
"What happened? I thought you two were just going to spend some time together?" Addison asked coming over to join him.
"Yeah, well that was before I decided to be stupid and confront Ava."
"Oh God," Addison said softly pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. "You didn't yell at her for the mystery guy she was with the other night did you?"
"No, I didn't."
Addison looked up, "Ok then so what could you have possibly done to piss her off?"
"While you were gone, Quinn told me Ava is preparing to take the MCATS."
Addison stared at him, "Excuse me?"
"I know. It's hard to believe isn't it?"
Addison continued as if Derek hadn't spoken at all, "But Ava doesn't like medicine!"
"Well she must be at the very least interested if she's going to take them now."
Addison cocked an eyebrow, "Ava is going to take it next month?"
"According to Quinn, yes."
"She's only a sophomore. I didn't take mine until the second half of my junior year and I was still not comfortable."
"Well Richard said---"Derek started.
"Richard knows about this?"
"Yes, apparently Ava called him for advice."
Addison sank down on the couch and Derek joined her a second later. A silence settled over them as they thought about what had just been discussed. There was something unsettling about Ava's surprise. But in reality, this had nothing to do with Ava. It had to do with them.
Please come here
Come right on over
And when we collide we'll see what gets left over
A little joy
A little sorrow
And a little
pride so we won't have to borrow
Wherever you lead, I'll follow
The second Ava Shepherd set foot in Seattle Grace an hour later; a buzz seemed to rise. Gossip always traveled faster than news at the hospital. But it traveled faster now that there was speculation that what happened between a surgical intern and the daughter of two of Seattle's premier surgeons was more than just a one night stand.
Just as Ava crossed the bridge to the other end of the surgical floor where Chief's office was, Bailey came through the door at the other end with her interns behind her. Ava could feel them stare at her as she passed. But she ignored their gazes and continued walking. Alex stopped to look as she walked past, not simply to stare. But in that second as he watched her, he knew that something was wrong. Ava Shepherd was a complex person; there was no disputing that fact. To a normal person, she could appear to be cold, devoid of emotions, the epitome of perfection and professionalism. Alex knew better however. In the short time that he had known Ava Shepherd, he knew that she possessed the ability to put on well-crafted facades. But upon closer inspection, those facades melted away and Alex was allowed to see what was really going on. He felt a sudden urge to go after her and kiss her and make her better. No other woman had inspired such feelings in him ever. But within a matter of days, Alex had managed to develop an ache that could only be cured with her presence. He was falling for her and she for him. The incident in the bathroom at Starbucks had confirmed that fact. It was more than just sex or pure lust. It was a connection that by the standards of the universe shouldn't have been so intense. But it was. They needed, wanted, and craved each other in a way that could not be explained. It just was. Reluctantly, Alex turned away and continued walking with the other interns.
Ava continued walking until she reached the Chief's office suite and she went inside.
"Hi Patricia," Ava said approaching the Chief's secretary.
"Ava, what a surprise," The older woman said, having learned the young woman's name quickly upon finding out that Richard Webber was a close friend not just of the Drs. Shepherd, but of their family as well. "Do you need to see him?"
"Yes, if he's not busy."
"I'll check," she replied smiling at Ava before picking up the phone and pressing the intercom button. "Ava Shepherd is here to see you," she said a second later and then she listened for a moment before hanging up. "Go on in. He's expecting you."
"Thanks," She said before going inside.
Richard was sitting at his desk doing paperwork and looked up when Ava came in.
"Ava, I didn't expect to see you back here so soon."
"That makes two of us."
"What can I do for you?"
"Do you have a minute? I thought we could talk."
"Of course Ava," He said. "Please sit."
Ava did as she was bid and placed her bag beside her. "I didn't know where else to go. I just needed someone to talk to."
Richard nodded in understanding, "I'm listening."
"My dad knows about the MCAT."
"He called me to talk about it." Richard paused, choosing his words carefully. "He was hurt that you didn't tell him."
Ava sniffed, "He didn't act like it today."
"Why what happened today?"
"My dad called me on Saturday to ask me if we could talk when I got back today. I told him that it would be fine and so we went out on the bay not long after I got back this morning."
"How was it?"
"It started out nice enough and then he started to ask me if I had anything I was keeping from him; if I had anymore secrets. When I asked him what he meant by that, he told me that Quinn told him about the MCAT. He asked me why I didn't say anything before and all of a sudden I felt angry. I just got really angry."
"You are entitled to be angry you know. What Derek put you through is enough to make anyone angry."
"I know. But it's not just that. I mean I am angry at my dad for leaving. But I'm also mad at both of my parents. I'm mad because somewhere along the line they stopped caring and I never realized it myself until I was sick."
"Ava, I don't think they stopped caring," Richard replied gently. "I think they just took you for granted."
"Maybe," Ava said softly. "It's like we stopped communicating after I quit cheerleading. It wasn't intentional, but with me in ballet again everything was safe. Sometimes I feel like what I've accomplished pales in comparison with what my parents do everyday."
"You can't compare the two."
"No," she mused. "No, you can't. I'm not taking the MCAT for them though."
"Then why the 180 degree turn around? We never got to that part in our last conversation."
"My senior year I wanted to complete a fourth year of science and physics didn't appeal to me. So I decided to take physiology and the rest was easy. In fact, I think that was the easiest class I've ever taken in my academic career. Everyone in my class was always complaining about how hard it was. But it wasn't for me, I just knew the answers. I didn't have to think about the difference between proximal and distal or memorize the different parts of the heart. It was all just there in my mind waiting to be accessed. And even though I didn't have to think about those things, I was still amazed by all of the things that the human body is capable of. In all my years as a dancer, I never really took the time to appreciate what I could do. Now every time I go en Pointe, I think about all the muscles and bones working to keep me up. Later, when I got into college I wanted to know what kept my parents in the OR for hours on end beside the obvious. And then just before the end of last year, I got to cut with a scalpel when we were dissecting." She paused momentarily as a small smile played on her face, "It was unlike anything I've ever felt before. And in that moment, I was able to glean some understanding about why my parents chose this profession. It's not really about the hours that you spend or the power that you feel, but the knowledge that with every cut you make you learn something new and every moment you spend, you can make a difference."
Richard smiled, "You're smitten. But I'm not that surprised. You started living with Addison and Derek at the start of their internships. So you've gotten to see them progress and grow into what they are today. But what about ballet?"
Ava looked down, "That is where my dilemma lies." She looked at Richard, "My feelings for ballet have never changed. I still love it as much as ever. I just didn't think I would find something I loved just as much."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to take the MCAT. Unfortunately, the media component surrounding my dance career was unexpected. A couple of days after I called you I performed the Sugar Plum Fairy and now I'm the New York Ballet Academy's media darling. I didn't really want to be. But there was little choice. With the decline in ticket sales on Broadway, NYB is seeing hard times as well. They wanted to infuse ticket sales by getting younger people to come and I've always had this talent for changing people's minds about what ballet is. So they chose me."
"You're being well compensated though?"
"You could say that. For the interview I gave to G Magazine I was paid $2 million dollars, not to mention the private engagements my agent booked for me after the Nutcracker. I've made almost $5 million dollars since then."
"Do your parents know about all of the money you've been making?"
"No, no one does really. But I've been using it to pay for school myself."
"They're going to find out eventually."
"I know and I'll tell them when I'm ready."
"Whatever decision you make Ava; it will be the right one."
Turn me inside out and upside down
And try to see things my way
Turn a new page, tear the old one out
And I'll try to see things your way
"What's eating you?" Cristina asked as she sat down with the rest of the interns for a late lunch. She was looking pointedly at Alex.
"Leave me alone," Alex replied.
"Could your mood have anything to do with a certain brunette whose outfit cost more than my first car?" Izzie asked.
"Don't even go there."
"So it does then," Meredith chimed in.
"So what if it does?" Alex snapped.
"Easy man!" said George. "We were just asking."
"Yeah, well don't."
"Oh God, you're falling for her," Cristina said almost shocked.
"You're falling for Ava?"
"Alex be careful. You don't know Ava that well," Meredith said gently.
"Like you do?"
"We just don't want to see you get pounded by the Drs. Shepherd," George said tactfully.
"I do!" Cristina said excitedly.
"I wouldn't expect you to understand. Go to hell all of you!" Alex said rising and then leaving.
"He is falling for her," Izzie said in disbelief.
"No, it's more than that," said Meredith. "He's falling in love with her."
Turn me inside out and upside down
And try to see things my way
Turn a new page, tear the old one out
And I'll try to see things your way
The way that we've been speaking now
I swear that we'd
be friends, I swear
'Cos all these little deals go down
with
Little consequences, we share, we share
Later, Ava was sitting on the sofa with Quinn. Their parents had gone to dinner after Ava informed them before she'd gone to the spa that she wanted a night for the two of them so that Ava could say her goodbyes. When she had returned, Ava had barely said a word to them before they left. The two sisters had just finished eating and watching Beauty and the Beast.
"Ava?" Quinn said turning to her sister.
"Yeah?"
"Why can't I go back to New York with you?"
Ava smiled sadly, "You know how you hardly saw me for a few days in the middle of December because of the tests I had to take for school?"
Quinn nodded, "Yes."
"Well when I go back to New York it's going to be like that all the time so I won't have time to hang out with you."
"Is it because of your CAT test?"
Ava smiled, "You mean the MCAT exam?"
"That's what I said!"
"Partly, but I also have school and ballet to worry about too. I heard you told daddy about the MCAT."
"I'm sorry Ava, but I had to. Mommy was talking to Daddy about making you stay here. I didn't want you to miss your test."
"Its ok squirt," Ava replied kissing her head.
"Are you not going to do ballet anymore after you leave college and go to doctor's school?"
"I have to pass the test first and I might not."
"But you're smart."
"Well so is daddy, but it took him two times before he passed."
"Really?" Ava nodded. "But if you do go to doctor's school, will you be a doctor like mommy or a doctor like daddy?"
"Actually, you know your doctor, Dr. Burke?"
"Yes."
"I think if I were to become a doctor I would become what he is."
"So you could fix hearts? Could you fix mine?"
Ava felt the tears start to come, but she blinked them back, "Oh baby I think you'll need your heart fixed before I'd be able to. And besides Dr. Burke is a really really good doctor."
"Yeah he is."
"It's late. We should be getting you to bed"
"Will you tuck me in?"
"Sure."
They went into Quinn's room and the little girl got under the covers with Jojo the monkey and Ava perched on the edge of the bed.
"Will you be here when I wake up tomorrow?"
"No squirt, I'm sorry," Ava said threading her fingers through Quinn's hair. "I have an early flight in the morning."
"Will you stay with me until I fall asleep then?"
"Of course," Ava replied curling up on the bed with her sister.
"I love you Ava," Quinn whispered.
"I love you too Quinn, more than the sun, the moon, and all of the stars in the sky."
The way that we've been speaking now
I swear that we'd be friends, I swear
'Cos all these little deals go down with
Little consequences, we share, we share
Ava was cleaning up in the kitchen when her parents got home.
"How was Quinn?" Addison asked.
"She was fine," Ava replied simply. "She's already sound asleep."
"Good because we need to talk," Derek said.
"I'm not in the mood to talk right now."
"Ava, we do need to talk," said Addison softly.
Ava finished what she was doing and then went to sit on the sofa, "Ok, so talk."
"We wanted to talk to you about the MCATS, to make sure you're making the right decision."
"I don't want to talk about the MCAT anymore Mom."
"This is your future Ava," Derek said.
Ava put her head in her hands, "I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?"
"Pretend! I can't pretend anymore that everything is fine. Everything is a lie. Quinn isn't fine, I'm not fine…"
"Ava…" Addison said crossing to her and touching her arm.
Ava shrugged it off, "I can't do this. I thought I was strong, but I can't do this."
"Can't do what Ava?" Derek asked.
"Tonight, my little sister asked me what kind of doctor I would be if I went to medical school. Would I be a doctor like mommy or a doctor like daddy? And you know what I told her?" She paused. "I told her I wanted to be a cardiothorasic surgeon just like her doctor. And she asked me if I could fix her heart," Ava said, a tear rolling down her cheek. "I told her that I couldn't, that she would probably need Dr. Burke to fix her heart before I would ever be able to. I should be able to. I'm her Ava, her magical big sister who can do anything except save her life."
"Ava, I know it's hard," Addison said softly.
"No! No you don't know. You don't know because you've both stopped caring. You want to know why I didn't tell you about the MCATS? Because you don't know me anymore and the only person that does is sleeping with a bad heart. Quinn cares. She asks me every single day how my day is and she listens even if she doesn't understand. But with the two of you, one has to be in a hospital bed before you'll give anyone the time of day."
"You're not being fair Ava," Derek said.
"Life isn't fair Dad. If it was fair, I would be the one with the bad heart not my sister!"
And with that Ava turned on her heel and left the room. She came out a few seconds later with her suitcases and her bag.
"Ava, where are you going?" Addison asked. "It's 9:30pm."
"I can't take this anymore so I'm leaving. Maybe I'll see you in a few months. Maybe I won't," she said heading for the door.
Derek grabbed her wrist, "Don't do this because you lied to us."
"No Dad, I'm doing it because I told you the truth and the truth hurts."
Turn me inside out and upside down
And try to see things my way
Turn a new page, tear the old one out
And I'll try to see things your way
25 minutes later, the black town car pulled up in front of Alex's apartment and Ava went up as did all of her luggage. She knocked on the door of his apartment hoping he would be home. And thankfully he was.
"Ava what are you doing here?" He asked.
"Alex?" She said looking into his eyes and he found unshed tears and pain in her them. "Fix me?"
Without saying anything, Alex pulled her into his arms and Ava began to cry. A half-hour later, they were in bed together naked. But they had not had sex. Instead, Alex held her close, skin against skin on top of the covers.
"You're beautiful," he whispered softly in her ear before kissing her lightly. She felt at ease now, her heart still heavy, but a little bit lighter now.
"I'm sorry if I scared you earlier. I just needed some place to go."
"Don't be sorry. It's ok to need someone Ava."
"I know—I just didn't want to scare you."
"You're not scaring me," he said quietly kissing her lips very softly. He wanted to worship her tonight, to love her tonight because that's what they needed, wanted, and craved.
An hour later, the two of them were under the covers and Ava was snuggled into his chest.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
"You're welcome," he replied kissing her again before taking in her scent. "You always smell so good, what is that?"
"It's Channel no.5," She said with a smile. "Why, do you like it?"
"It suits you."
"Thanks."
Soon Alex and Ava were sound asleep and Alex's arms were wrapped around her, never wanting to let go. But when he awoke at 6am the next morning, Ava was gone. But in her place was a note and a perfume bottle. Alex picked up the note and read it.
Alex
Here's a bottle of Chanel no.5 so that even though I'm 3,000 miles away, your sheets can still smell like me. If I don't scare you, you don't scare me. Come visit me in New York if you can find the time. But if all else fails, always call me.
All my love,
Ava
As the plane rose into the air, Ava laid back in first class and closed her eyes. After this, nothing would be the same again.
And I'm
gonna love you anyway
Try to see things your way
Try to see
things your way
Lyrics: "How We Operate"-Gomez
And that my friends is the end….for now! Please R/R!