apparently, fanfic is screwy. lotsa people couldn't pull up le chapitre for one reason or another. so i'm reposting this.
apologies if you get confused. i'm more confused, trust me. I START SCHOOL AGAIN TOMORROW
SOMEONE TAKE MY PLACE SO I CAN WRITE MORE FIC
I'mma quote a great movie here: Almost Famous.
"It's all happening."
Dedicated, as always, to jandco- my Detroit playah,
Please check out the lazy, yet discerning ficster blog for some great recommendations and articles on the twilight fandom… and the supercool temptation twilight podcast. There are some amazing people in fanficland doing some truly outstanding things in our community, and I am proud to associate with them. You guys are fantastical for putting in the time and effort required to make these things happen, and you do it with style and grace. Hats off, ladies. And pants, of course. (linkage on m'profile, lovies)
Edward
"Did you have fun, darling?" My mother kissed the tip of my nose and the young boy in me wanted to wipe it away, but I couldn't help it. She was just too sweet, so I allowed it and responded by hugging her tightly.
"It was a wonderful party, Mom." Elizabeth Masen Cullen was a class act. When I had told my parents that I was expecting a baby with Jessica, I swear- I thought she was going to cry. And not in the happy way. But they've become very supportive these last few months and have turned into big cheerleaders. Mom was warming up to the idea of Jessica as the mother of her first grandchild, and I was glad to see her being so attentive to both Jess and Lauren at the shower.
She had decided to make it more of a formal "getting to know you" kind of thing as opposed to the traditional baby shower. I knew she'd never admit it, but I think she believed that the… lifestyle to which Jess and Lauren were accustomed to did not include room for "guess the baby food" and "you can't say 'baby'" games that accompanied most showers. She had a nice spray of good vegetarian food and subtle decorations; it was almost hilarious seeing the odd mix of the bohemian side of San Francisco meeting the more highbrow friends of the family.
I didn't invite any of my colleagues. It just didn't seem appropriate, and I was in the middle of cutting ties with most of them anyway.
Not that I was neglecting my doctor duties by any stretch, but I was no longer working the ridiculous hours that I had been foisting on myself. I had always tried to live my life not relying on my trust fund, but I was starting to see the advantages of never having to worry about money. It was elitist of me, and I didn't care anymore- I could now pursue what I wanted to, whole-heartedly. Without the accompanying worry of financial strife that usually besets first-time parents.
Of course, I hadn't told Jessica any of this yet. The only person who knew that I was a lonely piano man in my off-hours was Alice.
Seeing her and my best friends back in town made me much happier than I had been in months. I was shocked at the weight that sprang off of my body the instant they walked into the bright, remodeled kitchen of my mother's house. Alice hopped into my arms, squealing and squeaking and doing her Alice thing, but I was nearly shocked to shit to see a hangdog sad look when our eyes met. We had been communicating via text and sporadic phone calls ever since I had left, and I had seen her a few times. But she looked so sad… so sad for me. And I felt terrible about it. I knew without asking that she hated my situation just about as much as I did. But she knew. She knew that I would never do anything to shirk my duties.
It took everything I had to keep Rose from giving Lauren "the beatdown of the century" as she hovered over everyone and everything; my mother was flitting around, making sure glasses were filled and people were having a good time. Lauren was slithering around, making cutting remarks about everyone and everything. She truly was one of those people who could and would find fault wherever she wanted. I had been immune to it for some time, so when she said something snarky about Rosalie's designer dress and commented to Emmett about murdering meat, I stood in front of Lauren as Emmett held Rose back and Jasper ran interference, asking Lauren about the history of vegetarian consumption until Alice was giggling and I was trying desperately to keep my face neutral. It was like old times having them back there, back in this town. They looked so different yet astoundingly the same, considering all had paired off and were just happy back in Seattle. It made me wish that I had made the same transition.
You could have, you know.
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.
Really, the only awkward part of the entire day was when it came time to open the gifts.
"Who's Isabella Swan?" Lauren asked, her nostrils flaring as she regarded Jessica with narrowed eyes. I had been drinking a Coke and I nearly choked on it; Bella sent a gift?
Alice shrugged, pleading with her eyes for me to not say a word. I noticed with irritation that Rose was sitting there, all smug and unrepentant as she challenged me with her always-arched eyebrow. Again, I kept a neutral expression, but inside I was a mess. Ridiculous how after all this time, the mere mention of her name set my blood boiling.
I had been dreaming about her. Quite a lot, actually.
Beautiful, meaningless dreams that left me forlorn and pissed off. I actually welcomed that; welcomed the emotion, because it made my piano playing that much more intense. They were loving me over at Stucky's, and I must have had that hungry, lonely man look because I got quite a lot of numbers every time I was there. Women responded to that burn, I know; too bad I wasn't interested. Not that I ever had trouble getting numbers, but for the first time in a long time, I simply couldn't be bothered.
I was way more interested in becoming my own person than I was in molding myself to someone else's image of me. Way more interested in finding out who the guy was that Bella Swan had seemed to be so into. Even if I couldn't have her, didn't mean I couldn't find that guy again, right? Because somewhere in between coming home from spending an intense week with her, finding out I was going to be a father and this here baby shower… I had completely lost myself. I saw this with so much clarity, and it was never so obvious as it was here and now. At this baby shower, where my gentle mother and her polite friends accommodated the crunchy, arty and opinionated friends of Lauren while the three people I loved most in the world (give or take a few) patted my shoulder and gave me sympathetic looks. And I stood in the middle of it all, hating myself for being a coward. Hating that it had taken to this point for me to do anything about it.
I was going to be a father. But it didn't mean that I had to let go of everything else. I was done pandering. Time to react.
It was getting easier and easier to do what I wanted. So, I focused on the day-to-day business of getting my shit together. Because I was gearing up for a big change, and I needed the strength to pull it off.
I took the simple little note card with a stork on it and read the inscription, my heart thumping in anticipation. I don't know what I expected to see there- a personal note of some sort, perhaps. But it simply read "Best Wishes" and "-Isabella Swan". And it wasn't even her writing; I'd recognize Alice's swoopy loops anywhere. Ridiculous how much of a letdown that was, seeing that she didn't even sign the card. I couldn't even be sure the gift was from her. It could be a misguided attempt by Alice to cheer me up. But she wouldn't do that, would she? Alice was usually so intuitive, knowing how I'd react to things.
And I really needed to stop obsessing over the minutiae of Bella Swan if I ever wanted to be a part of her life again. I could see how I would create this whole weird scenario in my head with her as the star if I didn't watch it. I thought about her entirely too much as it was.
"You need to pull your head out of your ass, my friend," Emmett said, pointing at me with the corner of an almond and pepper finger sandwich. He had loaded his plate at the buffet table, and when Rose had smacked his hand and called him a greedy effer, my mother had come over, laughingly kissed Rose on the head, and stacked Emmett's plate with more. That was as much an Elizabeth seal of approval as anything, and from that point on- Rose had let up on the guy. We were sitting outside by the garden, enjoying the sunshine while it lasted. Alice and Rose were seated with the other women, watching as Jess opened the gifts and Lauren hovered, sulking petulantly. They were making out as far as the loot was concerned- or, I suppose it was the baby who was making out. Mother's friends were very generous.
"Thanks, Emmett," I said, sipping on my Coke and grinning without feeling it. I was itching to get to Stucky's; I had a new jazzy ditty I wanted to try out. I think my head was getting too big, because people were starting to come to the joint just to hear me play. I rather liked it.
"Come on, brother. You mope. You're a moper. It's bumming my girl out," he said, popping strawberries in his mouth and swiping the juice away with his sleeve.
"The thing is, Edd-o," he said, leaning forward so that his elbows balanced on his knees, "Rose is all tough, but deep down inside, she's the fiercest, most loyal softie I've ever met. I love that. So when something she loves is hurt, my God. I never want to break her heart, you know?" He wasn't looking at me as he soliloquized on Rose, so I let a small smirk escape. Emmett McCarty was getting Cullen approval all over the place today.
"Rose loves that Bella of yours, and she loves you, too. She's never said anything about it to me, dude. Just know that she believes in the two of you, and hell. I trust her implicitly. If she thinks you guys are going to work it out, then so do I." He stood up, presumably to find my mother and the sandwiches, and as he passed me by with his empty plate, he leaned down and said, "Look. My Rosie thinks the world of you. Don't disappoint her. Bella's on the mend, brother. Don't let that happen. I hate hockey." I shook my head in puzzlement, but I felt a new fire stoke itself as I pondered what he just said. The hockey thing must be some weird sports writer metaphor, but nevertheless- I needed to set my plan into action.
The sun was setting as Alice and I helped pick up plates and such. Rosalie was with Mother in the kitchen, and Jasper and Emmett were loading the gifts into my car.
"So, Edward. How are you, really?" Alice asked, just jumping in like she always did. And I appreciated that. I felt the need to purge, but this certainly wasn't the place to do it.
"Great, actually. Alice… I'm just going to ask you a question, and please. Be honest with me."
She dropped the garbage bag she was holding and sat down cross-legged right where she had been standing. I crouched down next to her, mindlessly pulling up grass from the lawn. I could feel the fog settling in around us, and I was glad that it at least didn't intrude on the party. I laughed at the symbolism and dove right in.
"Bella. How badly did I fuck up?" To her credit, she didn't appear taken aback, but I could see a glint of approval in her eye as she hesitated before answering me. She looked behind her, even though we both knew everyone was inside or in front of the house. I stared down at my hand, feeling the dew coat my fingertips and letting the cold keep me focused on what I wanted to say.
"Not… terribly. I mean, Edward. Come on. It's been months. No contact, no anything. You came down and didn't talk to her. And she doesn't know you were there, either. I love you both, but no one is going to be hurt anymore, okay? I don't think my little heart could stand it." She was being light and flippant, but dead serious. I felt a swell of love for my strong little cousin, and I wanted to just hug her and assure her that I was fine. But I needed the assurance that Bella was fine, too.
"Is she happy?" I looked away as I asked this. I didn't want know. I desperately needed to know.
"I think she's on the mend, Cousin Mine." She stood up and dusted off her crisp khakis, holding out her hand as though I needed the help to raise myself up. I clasped her warm fingers in my cold hand and stood, feeling resolve settle in.
"I'm taking time off, Ali," I whispered, putting my arm around her thin frame. She accepted this, nodding once and stuffing a plate into the garbage bag I held out. We continued in this vein until the backyard was once again righted and then went into the house together.
I was taking time off. From doctoring. I just had to. I couldn't take care of others when my heart wasn't in it anymore. And if I ever wanted to go back, I'd really have to learn to take care of myself first.
Starting with Stucky's. Piano. Then Bella. In that order.
I was done feeling bad for liking a girl just because I had a baby on the way. The guilt was there, but the overwhelming feeling that I was ignoring me, ignoring myself… it was way worse.
People did this all of the time, didn't they?
Doesn't make it right, Edward.
I had been fighting with myself a lot lately.
She may not want you anymore.
But that's just my guilty conscience talking.
The thing was- piano time made me realize a few things.
First- that doing what I wanted didn't mean that I was shirking my duties.
Also, that there were ways besides being a doctor that I could help others out. Sure, maybe it was some drunk and lonely people who needed some smiles, but hey. That's something, isn't it?
I doubted Jessica and Lauren would begrudge my happiness, even if they did occasionally act like soul-sucking harpies. I blamed the hormones (even if Lauren had no actual excuse).
Taking time off from the hospital was something that I wasn't one hundred percent sure of, but the Chief assured me that I would always have a place on a Med-Surg floor. She had been so patient that I was sure she could see right through me, could see my indecision and heartache.
Thank God she was a woman. It's like they can sense these things.
So with my dateless return to the hospital in place and my stint as a piano guy a solid comfort, I set about the business of Baby and Bella.
Because I was going to get her back.
I just had to figure out how.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Two weeks. Two weeks had passed. And two more weeks until the due date.
The girls were all in a flurry with baby preparations. Jessica had insisted we set up a crib at her apartment and keep the Pack N Play at mine; I wasn't arguing with the arrangement, even if Lauren was. Actually, I had noticed that they weren't spending as much time at my place, and I definitely wasn't arguing it. The scarves were still everywhere, but Lauren had taken her weird batik shit back, so that meant serious business. It gave me the opportunity to right the apartment and start figuring out how I was going to baby-proof the place.
I was preparing myself. For the big action. I took the weekend off from Stucky's, and I was figuring out how I was going to tell Jessica and Lauren that I needed one more weekend to myself when I walked into the apartment to find Jess sitting on the couch on her own. The place was quiet, so I assumed Lauren was out.
"Hey," she said, looking troubled. She put her hand on her blossomed belly and tried to stand up, so I rushed over to help her. I placed my hand on her back and we sort of rocked her forward, but she overcompensated and ended up in my arms.
"Hey," I said back, looking down at her. She really did look great; that glowing pregnant woman thing was no lie. But her eyes were watery, and I hoped she wasn't having another emotional outburst. She always felt so bad after yelling at Lauren or "ordering" me around, and it just wasn't good to upset her in those times. But at that moment, she looked like she was going to cry.
"Jess… what's wrong?" This wasn't normal, and Doctor Cullen kicked in as I assessed her, checking her breathing and noting whether she was holding herself differently. But she seemed fine.
"Hey, what is it?" Her dirty blonde hair was scraggly and I suddenly noticed she wasn't wearing any makeup; maybe she and Lauren had a fight?
"I… I just feel bad. For everything we've… I've put you through." She sniffled and I leaned over to get her a tissue, never letting go. She didn't seem too steady on her feet. She blew her nose softly and seemed at a loss for words.
"How was the doctor?" At this point, she was going twice a week, so I figured there was a good chance she had gone today.
"Fine," she answered vaguely, twisting the ends of the tissue between her fingers. She was never this fidgety or nervous around me, so I unthinkingly wrapped my arms around her and rubbed soothing circles into her back. She sighed; I remember in my OB rotation that pregnant women often had low back pain, so I kept going and started humming the piano bit I had been working on.
"You seem… different, Edward. Happy? No, more like… at peace. Did… did something happen?" I was a little taken aback by this, since she never really pushed into my private life anymore. Maybe it was because Lauren wasn't around. And I had forgotten that it used to be like this, when it was just the two of us. She wasn't a bad person, just… not for me.
"Resolved is a better way to put it," I said, but I wasn't ready to tell her my plans. Mostly because I wasn't sure what they were beyond the baby and Bella. I didn't even really know how I was going to reconcile the distance issue, but I figured I'd stop over-thinking things and live in the now, as they say.
"Everything okay with you?" she asked, looking up into my face. I liked her like this, all nice and quiet. I forgot sometimes that Lauren didn't always speak for the both of them. Anyway, since I had started the piano playing, Lauren was less of an overbearing jerk. She even took the trash out occasionally.
"Yeah, actually. You know. Just… preparing for the future." I helped her sit back down and stuffed some throw pillows behind her for support.
"Look, I'm going out of town this weekend. There's something I need to do… before the baby gets here." I made myself busy with picking up the living room and arranging my junk mail. I looked up and saw that she looked mildly panicked; her eyes were wide and she was leaning forward.
"Hey, Jess. Calm down. What's the matter?"
"What if the baby comes early?" she whispered, clutching subconsciously at her stomach. I kneeled before her, clasping her shoulders. I wanted to laugh, but I knew better than to upset her further.
"Jess, come on. Most first-time mothers deliver late. And even if so… I'm only going up to Seattle. You'll be okay. Lauren won't leave you alone for a second." She grimaced and I did laugh at that; Lauren was "baby on its way" crazy lately, but her heart was in the right place. If anyone would watch Jess like a hawk at this point, it would be her.
"I just need to take care of something for me before the baby gets here," I said, patting her shoulder. And I think she knew what I was talking about, but to her credit, she didn't bring it up again. I went to stand up straight, but she put her palm on my chest and I paused. She crooked her finger at me, so I leaned in, surprised when she kissed me softly on the lips.
"You're a good guy, Edward Cullen. Do you know that?" She whispered into my lips and it was an intimate moment, only not intimate like lovers. More like two people who had been through a thing together. And in that moment, I was glad to be there for her.
"Thanks, Jess. I'll see you come Monday." And I went into my room to pack a bag and hash out a plan.
So far, it had consisted of me going to Seattle and hoping my intrusion wasn't going to be too disruptive. I figured I could stay with Emmett since he had gotten the Green Light from my mother. Grinning at that, I stuffed some balled-up socks and a change of boxers into my bag, trying to ignore that my hand itched to grab the set that I had worn the night of the infamous "dry blow" incident and just let things happen. Not going to get in my own way anymore.
I paused to kiss Jess on the top of her head as I walked into the living room and I even waved at Lauren, who had let herself in and was in the kitchen, making a veggie wrap. She gave me a half-wave and a tight-lipped smile and that old adage about your face sticking that way was on the tip of my tongue, but I clammed up and simply walked out the door.
I was buoyant, light. Almost carefree. I could feel the daddy thing creeping up on me and while I welcomed it, I was also apprehensive. It made for an odd temperament because permeating all, eclipsing everything and making me grin was the thought that I was going to see Bella. I wouldn't let anyone get in the way of that. Not Rosalie or Jasper or Edward or even tall guys with shiny dark hair and white, white teeth.
Because I would never know if it had been love if I didn't go and ask, right? I figured it must have been. There's no way that I would be so hung up on a week's worth of undiluted joy if I weren't still in love with her.
And this realization shouldn't have been such a shock. But standing there in the check-in line at the airport, putting it into clear words and a definitive sentence, I realized- I had been dancing around that the whole time. I felt like an idiot. Of course. I wasn't simply flying to another state just "to see what would happen"- I was going to find out if it had been, indeed, love. Not just for me. But for her as well.
The woman behind the airline counter appraised me, and I probably had a goofy grin on my face because she was beaming back at me as she checked me in (and out). I was too full of joy to even respond, so I simply thanked her and went to wait for my flight.
I was impatient as I heard the overhead voice announcing departures and arrivals; my jiggling foot was irritating the person sitting behind me, but I couldn't help it. I had to fight off smiles and thoughts as I sat there, waiting. Impatiently waiting. Waiting for a glimpse into my what-if. And it was the fucking scariest waiting I had ever experienced in my life.
I didn't allow the bad thoughts, the "she doesn't"s and "she won't"s to impinge on my buoyancy. Because I hadn't felt this excited for anything in a very long time. Not the "do what I want" plan nor the piano nor even approaching fatherhood had ever made me feel this calm, this in control of my fate.
Scary.
Boarding the plane was like boarding a vessel of hope, and I hated the analogy as I hated having to wait for the flight attendants to explain how to buckle a seat belt. I was seated next to an elderly woman who showed me pictures of her granddaughters, and I allowed the distraction, commenting on how they did, indeed, get their eyes from her and no thank you, I had a lady in my life.
Well, I had more than one. But I'd have to await the outcome of this trip before I could settle on just how many that was, really.
We touched down in Seattle, and I was practically bursting with distracting energy as everyone filed out of the plane; silently thanking my trust fund that flying first class was an option, I bounced down the Peoplemover, trying not to knock fellow passengers into the stretched-out beige walls as I made my way to the terminal. I was going to her. I was going to find out.
The cab couldn't get there fast enough. I had decided while on the plane to go to Bella's first and figure out my sleeping arrangements later. I could always get a hotel if things got dicey, but I really hoped it wouldn't come to that.
When the cab finally pulled in front of the house, I hesitated. What-ifs started to choke me, but I swallowed a couple of times, forcing my misgivings down into my stomach. Just get in there, Edward.
I could hear laughter emanating from the opened windows; it was overcast and light rain was drizzling down as I waited, waited for her to open the door.
"Edward!" Alice breathed, her hand to her chest. She threw the door open and stepped back, a look of near panic on her face.
"Hey, Ali," I grinned, stepping in to the apartment. The activity I had heard was quite clear as I took another step into the living room.
There she was, looking fresh and rosy and beautiful. The Coffee Guy was there, his large form crowded around her. She was holding a hockey stick and he was apparently showing her how to wield it; he had a big 01 printed on the jersey he was wearing, and I finally understood Emmett's odd hockey comment. Rose was perched on the back of the couch, swinging her long legs, Emmett perched behind her with a grin that was fading as soon as he saw me standing there. Jasper was behind the bar, blending something fruity-looking and pink. The Guy looked up at me, his expression at first quizzical and then understanding. One corner of his lip lifted, and his arms tightened around Bella as she looked up, her eyes widening as she took in what was there. Me standing, a bag hanging off my shoulder with Alice's hand on my arm. A frozen moment. No one knew what to do or say.
"Edward," Rose said, breaking the awkward silence. Yes, Edward. I'm here.
Before I or Alice or anyone could say anything, my phone chimed. Annoyed yet glad at something to do, I reached into my pocket and hit the green button, noticing it was Lauren calling.
"Get back here. It's time."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
:D