Warning: This chapter contains scenes that some readers may find disturbing. They are highlighted so you know.
Chapter 21:
The icy chill of temperate April which had clung so fiercely to the snow capped mountains finally dissipated, giving way resignedly to balmy May that promptly engulfed the small town in a band of unending sunshine. The days slipped by unnoticed as Michaela slowly became reacquainted with the life her mind had so entirely forsaken. Seeking solace in her skill as a physician and the continued support of her family and friends, the intolerable fear that had been governor of her faculties since her arrival in Colorado, gradually released its hold leaving in its wake the confidence, the independence and the fiery beauty that had so long been suppressed.
A warm evening not too long after their return home, found the family seated around the scrubbed, wooden table, their laughter intermingled with the clatter of forks and knives as they partook of their evening repast. If the fire in the hearth seemed to burn brighter and the siblings seemed more exuberant than usual, it was more than likely due to the presence of the guest seated in their midst. After much pleading from Brian and a solemn oath from Colleen that she would keep her Ma from the kitchen at any cost, Sully had agreed to join them for dinner.
True to his word, Sully had appeared every morning, talked and laughed with the children on their way to school and made arrangements to meet them for lunch at the café. However, he had hitherto rejected every invitation to accompany the family home for supper. Though he desired nothing more than to return to the familiarity of the past, his mind could not bear to recall those evenings he had passed at the homestead, the precious hours he had spent with her, nestled against each other in contented silence, watching the surroundings still as the curtain of night drew slowly over the tall trees. Yet even as he convinced himself that he need not stay long, that he could continue the charade of friendship no matter his own feelings on the matter, the unhappy truth would once again pull heavily on his heart, an inescapable weight. She was remembering everything, everything except him.
"….and Matthew had to chase it a full three times around the barn before he caught it and got it back in the coop."
Choking out this final line, Brian collapsed against his sister, both of them doubling up helplessly with laughter while Matthew's face flushed with embarrassment. Beside her, Michaela heard Sully chuckle and she bit her lip hard against the laughter that threatened at the thought of her eldest son chasing a sly chicken. Her sympathy for his humiliation however hastily sobered her thoughts and she sought to control his younger siblings.
"Alright you two," she said not unkindly, "that's enough."
"Sorry Matthew," apologised Colleen between subsiding giggles whilst Brian busied himself with his peas, not trusting himself to meet his brother's gaze.
Smiling at their barely contained amusement, Michaela attempted to divert the conversation.
"Sully," she asked, turning slightly to her left, "I noticed some packets of dried herbs amongst my medicines and I would very much like to discuss their properties with Cloud Dancing. Is there any chance you could take me out to see him tomorrow?"
The atmosphere altered as instantly as if a candle had been snuffed out in the darkness. An almost palpable tension permeated the room, rapidly smothering all trace of humour. The clang of a fork unwittingly released reverberated against the table, momentarily breaking the stunned silence.
Glancing around curiously at the anxious faces, Michaela directed her attention back to Sully, forcing him to meet her gaze.
"Is something wrong?" she asked softly, "I just remember he taught me about his medicine and I only wanted…." Her voice trailed off in uncertainty.
Casting a warning glance at the children, Sully finally raised his eyes to meet the hesitant ones before him.
"It's fine," he replied quietly.
Dropping his napkin to the table, he stood up and pulled on his coat.
"I best be goin'," he said neutrally, "Thanks for dinner. I'll see y'all tomorrow."
"But Sully," began Michaela, rising from her seat even as the door closed softly behind him.
"We're here."
She reined her sweating horse behind his and leapt eagerly from the saddle. Her brow furrowed however, as she observed his form motionless beside his horse, his knuckles white as the grip on the bridle tightened. Noiselessly, she approached him and resting a hand on his shoulder, called out.
"Sully?"
As the cobalt eyes turned to meet her own, the sorrow he had futilely attempted to disguise scorched her heart and she felt her breath catch in her throat.
"What is it?" she asked almost fearfully, yet inexplicably curious as to what agony could so shake the spirit of the stoical figure before her. Wordlessly, Sully moved aside, revealing the sight to her eyes.
Charred timbers stood erect against the clouded horizon, scattered and crippled remnants of the structures that had once filled the deserted land before her, the last remaining testament to the thriving village which had flourished for so long within the shaded confines of nature. Closing her eyes, she could almost smell the pungent aroma that assaulted her senses as she approached the glade, the heady scent of wood smoke and leather rising in spirals from the open fires that glowed like amber lanterns amidst the approaching twilight. Two children darted past her, the slap of simple sandals against cracked earth filling her ears, spotted feathers flattened against the wind as the long locks streamed out behind them, a raven ribbon blurring her vision.
"They're all gone Michaela," his voice deadened with defeat, raw with unchecked grief, "they fought for so long, too long, but in the end it just wasn' enough."
"Washita…"
The lone word fell from her lips as her knees collapsed against the ground and the pale hands rose to hide her face from the memories that flooded her mind.
The funeral pyres arranged like rows of dominoes rising high beside the watchful trees as the flames began to engulf the lower branches. The acrid smell of the burning corpses filled her nostrils as the cries of those few left behind shot through her ears, tears coursing easily down her cheeks….The silver blade slit deftly through the tanned skin and a sliver of crimson erupted, dripping silently onto the earth, marring it forever with the blood of the innocents, the outcasts….the small head lay cradled against his hand, a single wail of agony trampling over the mass of bodies strewn helplessly across the grassy banks as the final light faded and the dark eyes slid wearily shut. The hope, the beauty, all lost as the lap of the water against the scarlet stained pebbles siphoned away the souls of the martyrs to eternity.
"Sully!" she called out in torment and misery, the tears choking her shallow breaths, "Oh God, Sully."
The arms immediately surrounded her and she collapsed against his chest, burying herself in the comfort of his embrace, heart wrenching sobs echoing around the desolate grounds.
"Shhhh," he murmured against her ear, gently stroking her back even as his own tears fell as light rain upon her head, "it's ok Michaela, it's ok."
The whispered words of reassurance however descended on deaf ears as the anguish, the fury, the guilt overwhelmed her heart and for several minutes the uncontrollable cries against the barbaric soldiers of humanity continued to rip through the trees that extended their branches, humbly shading the grieving couple.
Michaela sat at the head of the table, her fork pushing the food listlessly around the plate. Noting the worried glances of the children, she had initially forced down a few bites before her throat seemed to close up and her mind had wandered back to the events of the afternoon.
Sully was also observing her actions and with increasing concern. The ride home had been quiet and comprehending the immense nature of what Michaela had just experienced, he had refrained from trying to engage her in conversation. He had hoped that the arrival of the family would be sufficient cause to draw her mind back to the present yet it soon became apparent that the shadows lingered still in her heart. She had remained withdrawn, unwilling to join in the siblings' cheerful chatter and rejecting any attempt to discuss what was concerning her. With a pang, Sully recognized the similar fashion in which she had cocooned herself after Washita in an effort to blot out the horrific images from her mind. He only hoped that this time, he could save her before she surrendered entirely to the darkness.
"Ma?"
Colleen called, trying vainly to attract her mother's attention, yet Michaela only dropped her napkin in response to the sudden sound. Glancing unseeingly around the table, she pushed back her chair and walked slowly towards the fire place, silently lowering herself into the rocking chair.
"It's alright Colleen," began Sully, "you and Brian go on to bed and I'll finish up here."
"But I'm scared Sully," said Brian gazing at his mother's still form, "she ain't been like this since after Washita."
"I know Brian," replied Sully wrapping his arm around the young boy, "your Ma's having a tough time dealin' with everything she remembered today. She's gunna be upset for a while."
"Like I was when No Harm died?" asked Brian sadly.
"Yeh," nodded Sully, "just like that."
"So what d'we do?"
"Just let her know we're here for her," replied Sully, meeting the young girl's tear filled eyes, "that we love her."
Squeezing Brian's shoulder, he ushered him towards his sister.
"Go on," he said softly, "it's gunna be ok."
"Night Sully," whispered Colleen, taking her brother's hand.
"Night kids," he murmured.
"Sully…."
Matthew had been leaning against the wall, a silent spectator to the events unfolding around him.
"I'm worried about Dr Mike too," he began, "I don't wanna leave her alone tonight."
"Don't worry Matthew," replied Sully quickly, "I'll stay, just for a while an' make sure she's alright."
Nodding his appreciation, Matthew picked up his hat. "I'll be in the barn if ya need me," he said, before retreating for the night through the side door.
"Michaela…"
Resting a hand tenderly on her knee, he looked up at the expressionless face before him.
"Michaela," he repeated softly, "it's getting' late. Maybe ya ought'a try and get some sleep."
Finally shifting her gaze from the fire, she shrugged off his hand and rose mechanically from her seat.
"Yes perhaps I should," she stated dully, "I have to be up early tomorrow and I have appointments all day."
"It's not your fault Michaela," said Sully quietly, not moving from his position by the hearth.
"I don't know what you mean Sully," she replied without meeting his gaze, and pulling back the covers on the bed with undue alacrity.
"There are some things that are outta our hands," he continued, undeterred by her brusque response, "It ain't your fault they died."
His last words halted her actions and for several moments she was still, contemplating how she could possible verbalise the emotions rampaging through her heart, how she could possibly make him understand. Turning slightly towards him, she took a deep breath.
"It is my fault," she said, her voice low with barely suppressed emotion, "I didn't try hard enough to stop the Army, perhaps if I had done something differently I might have been able to stop this, to save them."
"You did save them Michaela," answered Sully, moving to stand beside her, "you cared for 'em and helped 'em so many times,"
"But not this time," replied Michaela mournfully, "I didn't….I couldn't…"
"Listen to me," interjected Sully, grasping her shoulders, "you did everything you could to help Cloud Dancing and his people. No-one could ask any more of ya."
"I just….."
Her voice dropped to a whisper as her head bent away from his astutue gaze, "I miss them….so much. There's a hole in my heart and I don't think it will ever be filled again."
"I know," said Sully softly, enfolding her in his arms, "I miss 'em too."
Resting her head against his shoulder, she clutched at the front of his shirt, clinging to the reassurance his presence provided.
"Stay with me tonight," she pleaded.
"Michaela…." began Sully, loosening her grip and pushing her gently away.
"Just till I fall asleep, please," she begged, tears welling in her eyes, "I don't want to be alone."
The still burning coals glowed like rubies in the darkness of the homestead, casting a low beam over the figure propped up against the side of the bed. The clock had long struck midnight yet he lingered, his eyes flickering continuously over the form slumbering beside him. Rising up slightly, he pulled the blanket closer over the pale, bare shoulders, shielding them from the night air before once more resuming his position, statue like on the dusty floor. Fatigue pulled heavily at his mind and he yawned, trying desperately to fight his stupor. The soporific effect of the solitude and warmth however was too great and within minutes, he had succumbed to sleep.
He reached for her skirt and in an instant she knew what he wanted, what he was going to do. Crying out in fear, the ropes biting deeper into her already raw wrists, she pushed him back, desperately trying to shield herself from his constant attack. The moonlight fell on his face, carving out the features so contorted by his hatred of her, of her people…
Exhaustion had rendered her feeble and she stumbled over the small obstacles in her path, grimacing as the sharpened stones dug into her bare, bloodied feet. Her moans were muffled in her arid throat, the thirst now almost unbearable and as she turned her head up towards the glaring sunshine, she begged for an end to the torment, for him to find her, or if not, for release…
Her bare feet slipped against the stones, the tears stinging as they trickled down the lacerations scarring her cheek. A mass of bruises coloured her pale face and as her reddened eyes met his, she appealed wordlessly one last time. Yet the triumphant glitter in his eyes doused out the final embers of hope and before she could respond, he pushed roughly past her shoulder. With a cry of surprise, she lost her balance and toppled backwards. She was falling, falling into the chasm and the darkness engulfed her…..
"Sully!" she cried, struggling against the sheets, her eyes still blinded by the illusions of her memory, "Sully, please, help me!"
Instantly he was by her side, brushing the hair away from her damp brow and pulling her trembling form up against his shoulder. The slender arms wrapped convulsively around his shoulders as the words began to flow.
"They…they took me away from you," she stammered, her eyes wide with fear, "alone…I was so tired…afraid you wouldn't find me….One Eye…he p..pushed me…over…"
Struggling to comprehend the substance of what she was saying, Sully simply ran his hands soothingly down her back.
"It's alright Michaela," he gently reassured her, "it was just a dream."
"I was falling Sully….I…I fell and there was no-one to help me," she murmured, the tears beginning to trace their way down the contour of her cheeks, "I called out but I was alone….alone in the dark…"
"I'm right here Michaela," he whispered against her ear, smoothing her hair as she shuddered against his chest, "I'm right here with you and I promise you, I won't let you fall."