~ 0 ~

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

~ 0 ~

A/N:- Banner by FatesLoveQueen http:/yfrog(dot)com/oed60p

I own nothing. Boydblog helped me with this and I'll be forever thankful.

She fixed. I fiddled. Any mistakes that remain are on me.

~ 0 ~

Warning: This chapter touches on some subjects that might be sensitive to some people. Please read on with caution.

~ 0 ~

~ Bella Swan ~

~ 0 ~

I splashed my face with water, to sluice away the evidence of my tears. I didn't want Charlie to come home and find me crying again. I worried he would think I was becoming that girl again—the one who didn't feed herself, who barely even moved. I shuddered at the thought.

I took one last deep, calming breath before heading back downstairs. I was determined to put everything out of my mind. I just wanted peace for a few moments—a minute where I could pretend I was just an ordinary teenager, my biggest concern: chores or school.

I cleaned the house, started dinner, washed some clothes—basically anything I could think of to stop myself from thinking. The problem was that nothing required enough concentration to completely block out my thoughts.

I wished I had someone to talk to about it all, someone who'd listen and be impartial. No one instantly came to mind. I could probably talk to Angela, or maybe Jess, but I couldn't tell them everything—they would probably make Charlie have me committed if I did.

Two hours after Edward had left, I gave up trying not to think. I'd metaphorically tied myself into knots thinking about the 'ifs', 'buts' and 'maybes' of my situation. I was still no closer to knowing what was real and what was imagined.

The conversation I'd had with Kieran began to feel more like an illusion—maybe that was my mind playing tricks and I really was in a coma. Maybe Edward was sitting at my bedside, calling to me to wake up.

But what would I wake up to?

I pushed open my bedroom door and froze as I saw my visitor.

Alice was sitting on my bed waiting for me. She grimaced slightly—her silent apology for leaving printed clearly on her face. She seemed stuck in the moment, as if she was paused ready to leave immediately if I asked her to. I wondered which eventuality she saw more clearly—me asking her to leave, or me begging her to stay. I felt torn equally between the two.

"I'm sorry I came unannounced, but I saw that you needed someone to talk to. I know it's probably hard to believe under the circumstances, but I can be impartial if you want someone to listen."

I hadn't realized just how much I'd missed her until that instant.

"Alice, I…" My voice caught in my throat as the emotions I'd been trying to fight off rose up within me. I rushed toward her, closing the distance between us without considering the possible consequences.

Her cool arms encased my shoulders almost instantly. She rocked me slightly and rubbed my back soothingly as I cried against her shoulder, babbling incessantly about my two lives, Edward's betrayal and my baby, Kieran and his offer, and my confusion.

After I was out of tears, she held my hands in her own.

I instantly regretted saying as much as I had. "I'm sorry, Alice, you probably don't want to hear my doubts over Edward's sincerity."

She shushed me. "I came for you. And I already know how much of an idiot my brother can be."

"How can I ever trust him again?"

"Do you trust me?" she asked.

"Of course," I said without a second thought.

"I left too," she reminded me, sounding apologetic. "I didn't want to, but I made the choice to support my family."

I'd been so relieved when I saw her; happy that I had someone to talk to—someone I didn't need to keep any of the truth hidden from—I hadn't given a second thought to her reappearance after months of no contact.

"I'm sorry for what it cost you. I'm sorry I didn't stand up and make him listen when I told him his plan wouldn't work. Of course I didn't know this would be the outcome."

"What's going to happen next?"

"I don't know. There are too many decisions still to be made."

"I want to believe that Edward is back for good—"

"But you can't?" Alice guessed.

I shook my head. "I don't know why though."

"I think you need to talk to him. He's hurting too." She gave me a sad smile. "I'm not saying you have to trust him right now, just talk to him. Really talk. Tell him how you feel, how you felt when he left. It won't be easy for him to hear, but I think he needs to hear it. Both you and Edward have been torn to pieces because of his stupid decision. That kind of pain doesn't just disappear."

"You know the...options I have at the moment, don't you?" I asked.

She nodded.

"If you had to make that sort of choice, what would you do?"

"I honestly don't know," she said. "Having experienced true love, I wouldn't want to settle for something that's less than everything. But only you can know what that means to you, or who that is."

"It just hurts so much." I couldn't even begin to try to explain how much it all hurt.

Was the pain worth it for true love? Would love help me find my way back to happiness? How could I possibly know if it was love and not just Edward playing games? How could I be certain Edward wouldn't leave again?

"Sometimes the good is worth the pain," she said. "Maybe if you try to remember back to when you were happy?"

"I can't just wish away the pain." Would I want to if I could? Isn't the pain a warning—the perfect deterrent against future heartbreak?

She smiled soothingly. "I'm not saying that, I'm just saying take a night away from it." She held up the crystal CD case in her hand. "Listen to this tonight, and remember the first time he played it."

I took the case, turning it over and over again as I nodded.

"Charlie is going to be home soon," Alice said.

I wiped away the last remnants of my tears. I would not let Charlie see me crying and have him worrying about me again. I wanted him to believe the worst of it was behind us.

"Did you want to stay?" I asked. "I'm sure Charlie would love to see you again."

She frowned momentarily. "Technically, I'm not supposed to be back in Forks yet." Her face lit up in a small smile. "But yes, it's okay, the rest of the family will be back in Forks shortly."

"The rest of the family?" I questioned.

I'd been so wrapped up in my own problems—in my mixed-up lives—that I hadn't considered their situation.

"The decision is firm," she beamed. "Everyone is coming back here now that Edward has decided he isn't leaving."

My heart skipped a beat as Alice confirmed Edward wasn't leaving. It wasn't that I hadn't believed him when he said it, but the casual way Alice mentioned it made it seem more real. It made it seem almost possible that he was back in Forks to stay.

But they could all leave again, like last time.

I pushed the thought from my mind. Charlie would be home soon and I didn't have time to dwell on the pain. Besides that, I felt better for having talked to Alice and I didn't want to ruin that mood.

I want to be certain that this is the real world.

I spent the rest of the evening with Alice and Charlie. I shouldn't have been surprised, but Charlie accepted her reappearance readily. He seemed almost relieved when he came through the door to see Alice and I talking in the living room.

By the time Alice left, she had Charlie well and truly wrapped around her finger. I even heard the two of them whispering in the kitchen at one point—Edward's name was being bandied about and I got the distinct impression that Charlie may have been softening toward him, just a little.

Alice's stay dragged long into the evening, by the time she left it was late enough that I could excuse myself and head to bed.

After I'd changed into my pajamas, I saw the CD Alice had handed me earlier, the one I'd agreed to play and think of happier times.

Somewhat reluctantly, I dug out the CD player that I'd buried in the back of my wardrobe shortly after Edward had left, and set it up beside my bed. I put the CD in, set it to repeat and pressed play. I lay down, closed my eyes and braced myself for the flood of emotion I was certain I would feel when I heard the song Edward said he'd composed for me.

The first few haunting notes filled the room and I felt myself smiling at the memory of Edward's hands moving deftly across the piano, extracting sweet notes with every press of his fingers. As I listened to the music, my mind began wander to happier times in my other world; the way Edward's fingers would dance along my skin and elicit moans of pure ecstasy. I longed to feel that again, to feel our love manifested in that way. It was a sensation I'd missed, even though I'd technically never felt it before. I was curious what it would feel like to have this Edward's cool touch trailing over my heated body.

As the melody started again, I began to imagine Edward sweeping through the window—as he had so many times before—but this time he was intent on seduction.

I could picture his eyes, darkened with lust as they roamed my warm, pink skin. I could almost feel the bed shift beneath me as he crossed the room in a flash and pressed his body along mine before claiming my mouth with his own. My fingers brushed my lips as the memory of kisses long ago crossed my mind. I skimmed my fingertips over my cheek, the way Edward had a thousand times before he'd left.

Without deciding to do it, I slowly pulled up the hem of my top, exposing my breasts to the chilly night. I imagined the cool air was Edward's sweet breath blowing across my skin.

I let the music guide my hands and it almost felt as if it was Edward's instruction that led my fingers across my chest. An ache I recognized from the other world began to build in the pit of my stomach and the apex of my thighs.

I imagined Edward's chest lying against mine as the combination of my touch and the cool air tightened my skin. My fingertips brushed across the peaks of my breasts, and along the smooth expanse of my stomach before dipping beneath the waistline of my pants.

Images of the way Edward had caressed me, his fingers and lips moving over my skin rushed into my mind as I brushed across my center, releasing a low moan in response. My fingers trailed tentatively across my body, touching each place that filled me with warmth.

I recalled the feeling of fullness I felt as the other Edward pushed himself into me, plunging two fingers into myself simultaneously. I swallowed down the sounds that threatened to escape, trying to remain quiet so Charlie wouldn't hear.

I brushed my thumb against my sensitive nerves as my fingers thrust to the rhythm of Edward's love, radiating through the soft piano piece playing in my ears. It was easy to forget everything that had happened since. It could have been a few hours ago that we were sitting side by side at his grand piano as he played it for me for the first time.

I pictured that same day evolving differently. Rather than Alice inviting Edward to play baseball—and the subsequent drama that unfolded immediately afterward—Edward and I stayed curled on his sofa. He bent to kiss my lips and became swept away in the emotions, unable to resist his desires. His body pinned mine to the black leather and I wrapped my legs around his waist. His hard length pressed against my center as he slowly began to peel away my clothing.

A feeling of euphoria began to warm my body, spreading slowly from my torso and radiating through each of my limbs. The music that Edward had composed seemed to seep into my veins and race through my body, filling me with love until I was too full to contain it anymore and my body released, pulsing around my fingers.

As my breathing steadied, I lamented what I'd lost. I thought of my fantasy and knew it could never have happened that way. Edward had never lost control the way I imagined him to. He had perfect restraint, constantly denying the intimacy I needed to survive. The euphoria I'd experienced faded away quickly, replaced by the bleak reality of his twin betrayals.

I quickly pulled my top back down, a flush of embarrassment coloring my skin. I couldn't believe something as simple as a piece of music could cause such an intense reaction. I knew it was because of the depth of my love for Edward, I just couldn't be certain I wasn't setting myself up for further heartbreak if I allowed him back into my life.

I realized that following Alice's advice hadn't change the way I felt. I remembered the happier times, and my chest still hurt just as much as before. I had tried thinking about Edward and I had tried not thinking about anything, and neither one had cleared my mind or helped. There was only one other way I could think of to clear away the confusion. It was one that had worked when I'd first stumbled onto the truth about Edward. I grabbed a different CD from my meager collection—one given to me by Phil—and placed it in the CD player before slipping my headphones on and turning the sound up as loud as it would go.

I concentrated on the rhythm, allowing it to fill every part of me, to disrupt my synapses and make them fire with nothing but the music. Despite working the last time I'd attempted it, the music wasn't quite loud enough to block all of my thoughts and tears began to fall as I thought over the day, quite possibly the longest day of my entire life.

When I realized my plan wasn't going to work, I took a couple of sleeping tablets, thinking they were the only thing that could cut through my anguish and help me find some peace. I replaced my headphones and let the heavy bass drown out my thoughts. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore my silent tears.

~ 0 ~

The music I'd had playing as I'd fallen asleep had stopped, leaving a steady beeping and a mechanic hum in its place. A warm hand wrapped around mine tightly, holding on as if I would slip away if held with a weaker grip. My mouth and throat felt parched. I tried to speak, but it came out as a wordless groan. The hand around mine gripped tighter.

I opened my eyes and saw Edward, his green eyes darkened with tears and rimmed in red. His breathing hitched and he leant forward over me, looking as if he could barely believe what he was seeing.

"Bella," he croaked, his voice sounding like it was coming from a throat as desiccated as mine felt. He brought our joined hands to his dry lips. "Baby."

His other hand brushed phantom strands of hair from my forehead. I tried to sit up, but he placed his hand gently on my shoulder to stop me.

"Just relax, baby."

I wanted to tell him to stop calling me baby, and stop pretending like nothing had happened. I wanted to scream at him that he wasn't real, that this world wasn't real.

"You're in hospital, you were in an accident. Do you remember?"

I was going to shake my head, but then visions of the accident came back to me and my hand flew to my stomach, tugging a tube connected to my wrist.

"My baby," I whispered my voice hoarse and cracking.

In that instant I didn't care about what had happened in the other world. I didn't care about Kieran's confession or Edward's apology. I only wanted to know what had happened to my baby.

The devastated look on Edward's face told me everything I needed to know. A sob built in my chest and tears sprung to my eyes.

Edward sat on the bed and leaned over me, placing his forehead against mine. "I very nearly lost you too. I would never have been able to live with myself if I had."

I just looked at him with eyes that I was certain were devoid of emotion. The instant I'd seen that look on his face, my body had shut down, closing off rapidly to save me from collapsing under the pain. I couldn't even feel angry; I was beyond feeling anything. I turned away from him, unable to bear the look of pity in his eyes.

He pressed his forehead against my cheek.

"I'm so fucking sorry," he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

I curled away from him as best as I could, wrapping my hands around my stomach as if I could change the past and protect the precious cargo within. His apology, and the guilt that consumed him, broke the dam holding in my emotions and I suddenly felt everything.

The room filled with a wailing sound and it took a moment for me to realize it came from me. I pulled myself even further away from Edward and he seemed to understand that I needed him as far away as possible. He shifted so that he was no longer on the bed, but instead sat back on the chair he had been occupying. I felt the bed shake under the weight of his sobs as he muttered obscenities to himself about being so stupid. His sorrow tugged at my heart, a longing to comfort him and wash away his pain niggling within me, but it was almost too easy to ignore in the face of the grief I felt.

~ 0 ~

"Bella!"

Someone pulled off my headphones that were still blaring the music loudly, and called my name.

"Bella," Charlie's voice slowly seeped through the fog in my mind.

"Dad?" My lashes were wet and my eyelids were heavy.

"You were dreaming again," he said sadly.

His face gave away just how worried he actually was. I knew he was probably wondering whether seeing Alice had sent my recovery backwards. I was glad he didn't know just how much I'd been suffering, that at least I had appeared happy.

"I'm sorry," I said. "It's just been a very long day."

His moustache twitched as his mouth twisted around words he couldn't say.

"It was a good one though," I lied, trying to infuse my voice with enthusiasm.

"I was thinking it's been a while since you saw Jacob," he stated.

"I know, but he won't talk to me since our fight." I winced as I remembered how I'd thrown him out of the house for no reason. I'd been entirely in the wrong, but it didn't stop the proceeding silence from Jacob hurting me.

Charlie nodded and looked like he was going to say something more, but instead patted my legs through the blanket. "Night, kiddo."

"Night, Dad."

I lay back down and pretended to sleep, but I knew I couldn't risk it. I was in agony in that other world, both from my injuries and the loss of my baby. If going to sleep meant that I risked having to face those things, I was determined to sleep as little as possible. I was frightened of returning to that world permanently.

Once I was certain Charlie had returned to his bed, I stood and crossed to my window. I looked out into the dark forest and wondered who, if anyone, was there watching me. I pressed my forehead against the glass and my fingers found the key around my neck.

As I watched, the stillness of the night was disturbed by a solitary figure wandering across the grass. His outline was unmistakable and his face was turned up toward me. He seemed to be hovering as if waiting for something, and I guessed what it was. My permission had never been requested before, but somehow I knew that was what he was asking for.

I took a deep breath before lifting the window open in invitation, and retreating to sit on my bed to wait for the inevitable.

~ 0 ~