A/N I am still writing but am posting this because I promised some people a chapter would be up by early today and don't want to leave you hanging. I was planning on post Part II tonight but I don't think I have time. :/
Anyway, please comment if you can because your thoughts and interpretations are very important feedback for me! xoxo.
Pam pressed her back against the front door and stared vacantly out ahead. She was feeling a range of emotions and every one of them was unpleasant: disappointment, desire, regret, and anger, predominantly at herself for getting her hopes up in the first place. She eventually walked to her bedroom, tossing her purse onto her bed and blowing out an unenthusiastic breath through her mouth. All she wanted to do was go to sleep and forget about this night.
She moved into her bathroom and washed her face, wiping her lips, cheeks, and eyes and throwing away the tissues stained with black, rosewood, and cerise into the bin. She brushed her teeth and tied her hair into a loose, low ponytail before unzipping her dress. She didn't even bother hanging it up; she walked out of the bathroom and dropped it onto a chair. She took off her bra and slipped on a cream colored nightgown and crawled into bed.
Just forget about it, she told herself. Go back to last week. Before you saw her. It will be fine.
But Pam knew it wasn't that easy. She couldn't so effortlessly forget. And as disappointed as she was, she did want to see Tara again, even if it caused her pain to do so.
She lay still in bed, her mind too preoccupied to be able to find sleep. She tried not to, but she ended up travelling back to the last moment they had shared on her porch, recalling the feeling Tara's rich brown eyes focused entirely on her. She envisioned Tara tucking away her loose strands of her hair, and then tilting her chin up, leaning in to brush their lips together. She imagined them kissing, so freely and so effortlessly, as if there were no longer any barriers or obstacles between them. As if they had never been apart. It was such a wonderful thought that it felt physically painful to conjure it. Pam knew this kind of thinking was futile and would just cause her further anguish, so she forced herself to cut it out. She tried to sleep, tucking her arms into her chest as she curled up on her side.
XXX
The next day Pam felt a little better. She made herself breakfast and grabbed her nicest pen and her favorite journal, which was made of a deep turquoise leather. She got inside her car and drove ten miles on Highway 39 to the San Gabriel River. She parked and walked a while to one of her favorite spots, where there was a lovely view of the water by a typically unfrequented area of clustered trees. She lay a blanket down on the ground and leaned against the thick trunk of an Oak tree.
It was a beautiful day; there were a few clouds scattered amongst the bright azure sky and a mild breeze that rustled strands of Pam's flaxen hair and tickled her nose. She crossed her legs and set her notebook in her lap. When she wrote, it helped to be in a natural environment, and she preferred writing by hand; everything felt more organic, including her words. She sat there, letting the images and moments come to her, then pressed the tip of her pen to paper and transcribed them. Everything seemed to be flowing freely today, because after an hour she had already written almost 20 pages. She felt accomplished; she hadn't truly been able to come out and write like this for a while. Regardless of certain other aspects of her life right now, she was still grateful that she got to do what she loved. Not everyone was so lucky, and she told herself that she should truly be focusing on this instead of what she had recently begun to do: yearn for someone who was no longer hers.
She had been severely lonely many times in her life, often for excruciatingly long stretches of time, that she occasionally turned to other's words of wisdom for comfort. She used to read certain maxims so frequently that they were now etched permanently into her memory. As she gave her wrist a break and gazed out at the eton blue water, she thought of some of them.
The whole value of solitude depends upon one's self; it may be a sanctuary or a prison, a haven of repose or a place of punishment, a heaven or a hell, as we ourselves make it.
It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.
Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.
Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.
Without great solitude no serious work is possible.
Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement.
Often these sayings were a great consolation to her, other times they did nothing at all. The one that typically helped the most was the most realistic in her mind:
There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.
But it didn't help that with her profession, she knew so many sayings about love as well, some uttered by the most influential and gifted writers that ever lived. She tried not to consciously think about them, but they made themselves known regardless.
The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.
A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.
All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.
Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
Let no one who loves be unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.
Is it not by love alone that we succeed in penetrating to the very essence of being?
The sweetest of all sounds is that of the voice of the woman we love.
Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't, they never were.
Love is the only gold.
Pam needed to stop. She could feel herself spiraling into a hopeless and miserable place. There was no point in dwelling. She looked down at her notebook and tried to resume writing, but it wasn't flowing anymore. She leaned her head back against the hard, embossed bark and sighed. She turned to the last few pages of the book and looked around. She decided to do an exercise she had done in school many, many years ago. In one class, they had been reading Walden by Henry David Thoreau and their assignment was to start a journal mimicking his experiences. They were to find any isolated place in nature, and there they were to sit, in stillness and in peace, and record what they observed. And that is what Pam did. She took in everything around her, describing the mossy ground beneath her legs, the mild, sweet fragrance of begonias that wafted through the air, and the occasional chubby squirrel that scampered through the grass.
It worked. When she was done, her mind was focused again. She was present. She stood up and brushed off the dust from her lap and gathered her things. Before she headed to her car, she went for a walk along the water, and as she moved along the dusty pathway, she imagined she was Thoreau.
This is all you need, she told herself as she inhaled fresh, summer air through her nose and listened to the gentle sounds of the streaming water. This is all you need.
But no matter how much Pam preached it, and with how much conviction she stood by it, she still didn't fully believe it.
XXX
Pam drove back and returned to her empty home. She checked her phone and saw that Isabel had called her and sent her a couple messages, but Pam hadn't replied yet, unsure of what to say. Or she simply wasn't able to say it right now. She knew Isabel would still protest and try and give her hope about the whole situation, but Pam couldn't get into it right now. She just wanted to move on with her life, like she always did. She decided that she was going to call another one of her friends to try and make plans for the next weekend. She was going to make an effort to start going out again, because this whole wallowing in self-pity thing was not acceptable. She would be fine, she just had to take initiative and keep her life full of activities and good people.
When it was dinnertime, she opened one of the kitchen cupboards and pulled out a large recipe book. She picked out a new dish, deciding to make a potato leek soup and endive, pear, and Roquefort salad. Maybe this would be one of her activities: trying to cook a new meal every couple of days. And it would help, being productive and learning something new. The only moments that would make things worse would come when she was finished. It was hard not to wish there was someone there to taste the dish with her, to share and relish it, to even give her praise for the work she put into it. Cooking was always more enjoyable when it was done for someone else. But Pam was trying to retrain her brain again, like she had done for so long. She didn't need someone for any of this. She was fine the way she was. At least that's what she tried to tell herself.
When she was finished with the soup and salad, she set a plate and bowl down on the table and began to eat. The house felt hauntingly quiet. So much so that when her phone started ringing, Pam literally jumped in her seat at the sound. Her cell was on the kitchen counter and she stood up to grab it. She saw the screen and didn't recognize the number, but the area code was somewhat familiar. She answered the call and leaned against the counter.
"Hello?"
"Hey... Pam? It's Tara."
Pam's heart skipped a beat and she reached her free hand behind her to hold onto the counter.
"Oh, hi," she replied casually.
"I wasn't sure if you still had the same number..." Tara told her.
Pam tried to chuckle. "Yeah, I do."
"How are you?" Tara asked.
Pam pursed her lips. "I'm well, thank you."
"Great. So listen, I wanted to ask you something. I actually was going to tell you last night before you went inside…" Tara began.
Pam swallowed. "Oh?"
"Yeah," Tara answered. "I was just wondering.. um, the volunteers, from Pomona and a couple other schools in the area will be starting tomorrow. I was wondering if you'd like to come? Even for just a little bit, if you wanted to stop by. I thought I could show you where I work and, what I do and all of that."
Pam was quiet for a moment. Was she ready for that? She contemplated whether seeing Tara would be more helpful or harmful for her right now. Maybe it would be good to try and spend some time with her without any expectations. Or maybe it would continue to deepen her affection, and consequently her anguish.
"You there?" Tara queried after a while.
"Yeah," Pam stuttered. "Sorry. Um… sure," she replied. Even if Pam didn't want to, she couldn't say no to her.
"Is there something I would need to do there?" she asked.
"No, don't worry about that," Tara returned. "I just thought I could show you around and introduce you to some of my co-workers or something."
Tara didn't know if this sounded incredibly boring and that's why Pam's reaction wasn't very enthusiastic. She hoped this wasn't the case, because she did want to see her again.
"What time should I get there?" Pam inquired.
"Well I think it will be an all day thing but you can stop by whenever. The students will get there around 10 in the morning but you can come in the afternoon sometime."
"What's the address?"
"I'll text it to you, but it's 1550 W. 8th St. It's the Central office and there's a parking lot right beside it."
"Okay," Pam replied.
"You sure you're all right?" Tara asked.
"Yeah," Pam confirmed, clearing her throat. "I'll see you tomorrow. Looking forward to it."
"Okay," Tara smiled. "See you then."
Pam hung up and set the phone down. Well so much for adjusting to solitude again. But it was nice that Tara called her so soon about trying to see each other again. It meant that she was at least thinking about Pam, even if it wasn't in the way Pam wanted.
XXX
Pam woke up at 7 AM the next day. She showered, changed, and blow-dried her hair. She left by 8, giving herself enough time to account for rush hour traffic as she headed over to the city. She found the place relatively easily, as she was familiar with L.A. She parked in the lot and walked inside the building. She checked the room number again on her phone and moved down the hallway. She arrived at the right door and went inside.
This particular room was quite large, and Pam figured Tara arranged for the students to meet here because it was spacious enough to hold them all. No one was there except for Tara, who was sitting and going through a packet of papers she was intending on handing out to everyone. She had heard someone coming through the hallway though, and she turned her head as Pam stepped into the door-way.
When she saw Pam, she immediately wrinkled her brow and tilted her head.
"Hey…" she murmured.
Pam smiled reservedly. "Hi."
"I didn't think you would be here this early…" Tara told her.
"No, I know," Pam responded. "I just thought I could help you set up. If you needed an extra pair of hands for anything."
Tara blinked, and her lips slowly curled into a gracious smile. "Wow, that is so nice. Thank you."
Pam smiled back at her. "No problem."
They held each other's gaze for a moment, and then Tara scratched her head.
"Well there isn't too much left to do. If you want you can help me set up some chairs in here. And then I was going to quickly run to the grocery store and pick up a few snacks for everyone."
"Sure thing," Pam remarked.
"Okay," Tara said, smiling again.
And that's what they did. They set out some foldable chairs in a large circle and then left the building to head to a nearby store. It was fun, going down the aisles, figuring out what to pick together. Pam swung the basket lightly as she watched Tara scrutinizing the aisles, finding it adorable how seriously she was taking this all. She wanted to make sure that they bought the exact right things.
"Do you think we need hummus? For the pita chips?" Tara asked with a tightly furrowed brow. She said it so quickly, as if it was the most crucial and pressing of matters, and Pam couldn't hold back a smile.
"Yeah, that makes sense," she answered.
"Are you sure? It would be too dry to eat without it, right?" Tara pressed.
Pam chuckled. "Right."
Perhaps it was because they were alone, but Pam found herself forgetting that Tara was with someone else. Right now it was just the two of them, like it had always had been, and it was simply wonderful.
They soon headed back to the Foundation. It wasn't long before people began to arrive, and Pam sat in one of the chairs with her legs crossed as she watched Tara and observed some of the students. There was a small table in the back set up with some muffins and pastries and orange juice, and some people were gathered over there, quietly conversing. There ended up being around fifteen people in the room, which was a very good turn out for this. At one point, a girl with short blonde hair with fiery highlights walked inside the room. Pam peered curiously at her for a moment, and then recognized her from the coffee shop last week. She bit her lower lip and looked down at her lap. Well that was one question answered. She saw her walk over to Tara, whose eyes lit up as she opened with something vaguely like "So glad you could make it."
After Tara introduced herself to the group and went over the packet she had typed up, she gave them a tour of the place. Pam followed them all, none of whom she recognized, but a couple were wearing Pomona t-shirts. When they were done, they ate the rest of the snacks Pam and Tara had bought while Tara began to speak individually to them. She talked to them about what they were most interested in doing while figuring out the best schedule for them to come in.
Before she came, Pam figured she wouldn't be staying for more than a couple hours. But the day went by faster than she expected, and today was just about introductions anyway. By the time it was four o'clock, all of the students were gone. The girl from the coffee shop lingered a little while, trying to talk to Tara alone, but she had a shift to get back to and soon had to leave as well. Eventually it was just Pam and Tara, cleaning up and restoring the room to how it was in the morning. When they were done, Tara turned to Pam, who was in the corner putting something away in her purse.
"Hey," she began, moving a little closer as Pam turned her head to look at her. "Thank you so much for helping today. With everything. Really, you didn't have to do any of that."
The ends of Pam's mouth turned up. "You're welcome. I didn't mind at all. I enjoyed it."
Tara gazed at her, her eyes gleaming with gratitude.
"They seem like a good bunch of kids," Pam contended.
"Yeah," Tara agreed. "I think it'll be good. Most of them seem to be here for the right reasons."
Pam nodded. After a moment, she stood up and grabbed her purse. "Well I guess I'll head out now," she murmured.
"Oh," Tara replied. "All right. I was thinking I could buy you a drink or something. To thank you for everything."
Pam smiled. "Well you bought me dinner last night. After much protest," she chuckled.
"Yeah but still," Tara returned. "Am I going to have to insist again?" she teased as her eyebrows rose.
Pam laughed. "No, I guess not."
"Actually, I can show you my place. I've already seen yours now," Tara remarked.
"Sure," Pam said lightly, suddenly growing nervous for some reason.
"Great," Tara replied. "I guess you can just follow me there, that all right?"
Pam nodded. The two of them grabbed their things and left.
XXX
Pam ended up staying for a while. Tara's place was nice: not too big, but it was colorful, fresh, and hip. She briefly glanced around to see if there were any telling picture frames around, but she couldn't find any. They ended up having a couple glasses of wine and talking more. They could feel themselves already at the point of becoming so comfortable with each other that it was like they had never become strangers. It was a slightly different vibe and dynamic between them now, but by the end of the night, being slightly demonstrative with each other, or delving into deeper conversations instead of small talk didn't seem unusual. It was nice.
Pam waited a little after her second glass to leave, and when she got up Tara walked her to the door. There was a bit of an awkward pause, but then they both leaned in to hug each other.
"I had fun today," Pam told her warmly.
"Yeah, me too," Tara responded.
"And let me know if there's anything else I can do to help out," Pam suggested.
Tara nodded and then ruminated for a beat.
"Actually, I have been thinking about that. I know this is now your summer vacation and I want you to have time off and everything. But if you would like to come back, I think you could actually help some of the interns a lot."
"Yeah?" Pam replied.
Tara nodded again. "Well there's a lot of writing they have to do. Whether it's letters to politicians or drawing up petitions, or even important emails we need to send out, I can't always oversee everything. If you were interested, I think your skills with language and editing could really come in handy."
Pam nodded. "Sure, I'd love to."
Tara was glad to hear it, but then she hesitated.
"It… would still be a volunteer thing though... I wouldn't be able to pay you or anything."
"Oh, of course," Pam retorted knowingly as she shook her head. "That didn't even cross my mind."
Okay," Tara answered, feeling slightly guilty. It's not even like she made a lot of money herself, but she knew how tiring and consuming the work could be and wanted Pam to at least get something tangible out of the experience. What she didn't realize, though, was that Pam getting to spend time with her was reward enough.
XXX
And that's what Pam began to do. She didn't go to the Foundation all the time, but when she did she would devote her entire day there. Typically just past noon, she and Tara would go and grab lunch somewhere closeby. Sometimes, because Tara felt bad about Pam always coming to her place, she would go back to Claremont to hang out after the day was done. They would watch movies, they would talk, and sometimes they'd go for a walk around town.
As much as Pam loved being with her, there were times it was not easy to do this. She longed to touch her, she wished she could kiss her, and with every passing day they spent together with no sign of Tara showing romantic interest, Pam grew more and more hopeless. She would look back to their first kiss so many years ago, remembering how it was Tara who initiated it, and who did so in a situation that was so ethically wrong and risky, yet she didn't care. Pam compared this to now. They were no longer in such a situation, yet Tara was still keeping her distance, aside from her generally friendly and affectionate demeanor. She knew that Tara must truly be happy with someone else then, but she couldn't bear to ask her about it.
Still, being with her was too wonderful to give up, so Pam learned to enjoy their time together as much as she could. She worked on ignoring that ache deep within her that secretly and desperately wanted more.
There was one night when Tara was over at Pam's where they had both been watching "The Imitation of Life." When the movie ended, Pam looked over at the other end of the couch and saw Tara lying there with her lids gently closed. Her mouth was slightly open and her stomach was expanding and contracting slowly with each breath. Pam wanted to clutch her hands against her chest at the sight; it was the most precious thing she had ever seen. It took her back too. She sat there and gazed at Tara for a few more moments before moving closer. She grabbed a pillow and gently lifted her head to place it beneath her. She picked up a blanket from a nearby closet and draped it over her body. Tara's lips closed and her head automatically tilted to the side. Pam knelt down beside her and reached her hand up to caress the side of her face. Her thumb brushed lightly against her cheekbone and she sighed. It was still hard at times to believe that Tara was back in her life. Despite other disappointments, this was something she would always be grateful for.
She leaned down and kissed her forehead before standing up and heading to bed.
XXX
A few weeks had gone by since Pam had started volunteering at the Foundation, and one night after work Tara was back at Pam's place again. They were sitting opposite each other on the couch again and had just finished watching a documentary called "The Waiting Room" which was a film about an American public hospital struggling to care for a community of largely uninsured patients. When they were finished watching, they discussed what they saw, which included Tara sharing personal anecdotes about similar situations she had witnessed in the past from her work. In the middle of their conversation, her phone began to ring, and she pulled it out of her pocket and checked to see who it was.
Tara's eyes lit up and she glanced at Pam.
"Can I take this?" she whispered.
Pam nodded and Tara pressed the phone to her ear.
"Hi darlin'!" she exclaimed. "How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while."
Pam recognized Tara's change of voice and demeanor well enough to know that this was the same woman she had been talking to on the night they first had dinner. She brought her hands to her lap, beginning to wring them as she bit the inside of her lip.
"Did you have a good day today?" Tara asked as her voice elevated significantly in pitch.
"Well I had to go to work, and now I'm hanging out with a good friend," she remarked.
Pam stared down at her lap and swallowed.
"Yes, she's a very special lady and she's been helping me a lot."
Pam wrinkled her brow, confused at the way Tara was describing her.
"No sweetie, I don't think I have time to read you a story tonight."
Pam's lips parted as a dumbfounded expression swept over her face.
"I know, I am going to try and come and see you as soon as I can. I promise. But can you put Daphne on the phone for me right now? Thank you so much. I will talk to you soon, all right? Yeah, just give Daphne the phone, don't press any of the buttons. Okay… Sweet dreams, love. Bye bye."
Tara waited a moment, then resumed speaking when someone else took the phone at the other end of the call.
"Hey, Daphne. How is everything?... Okay… Oh… When did that happen? … All right… No, I suppose that's what had to be done … When is that going to happen?... Okay… And how is she doing? … Good… Oh, I'm fine. I'm doing well. Yeah, no I'm doing great, don't worry about me. And listen, I really have been meaning to come down sometime… No I know, but still… Okay…. Well, I actually can't talk for long right now, but I'll take a look at my calendar and see if there's a weekend I can come down relatively soon... Yeah… All right. Thanks Daph… Yeah, you too… Okay, good night."
Tara hung up and placed her phone down on the table beside the couch. Pam was still gazing down at her lap, too embarrassed to lift her head.
"Sorry about that," Tara commented.
Pam was quiet, but she shook her head. "No, it's totally fine." She was still silently chastising herself for jumping to conclusions the way she did. She already knew most of the answer, but she asked the question anyway.
"Who was that?" she murmured.
Tara smiled. "Her name is Kiyana. She's this girl who is… eight now, I think, that I met at a group home back in Louisiana when I was working there after undergrad. Her mother had died of a drug overdose, and her father left before she was even born and… anyway, when we met, she sort of instantly became attached to me. I started visiting more and spending a lot of time with her. She likes to call me sometimes in the evening, just to hear my voice I suppose. I'm surprised she still remembers me, because it's been three years now since I've been there. But she's the sweetest girl I know, and I love her a lot. I worry about her, and that place in general, which has never been in the best shape. But it's nice that I get to speak with her every now and then. I mean… if I were ever to have a daughter, she would be the perfect one… she'd be what I'd hope for."
Pam gazed at Tara in the most admiring and heartbreaking way. How could she stay upset after hearing something like this? She knew Tara was full of love and compassion, but hearing this just made her melt even more. While simultaneously making her feel like an even bigger idiot.
She stood up and moved away from the couch, crossing her arms as she walked over to one of her bookshelves, keeping her back turned. As her feelings of foolishness eventually began to recede, confusion began to replace it. Did this mean Tara was not seeing anyone? But then why didn't she try and pursue anything romantically? Was it because she didn't view Pam in that way anymore? That she had moved on from that idea a long time ago? But then why did she want to spend so much time with her? Was it simply because she was happy to be part of her life again?
Pam knew what she had to do. She knew she had to say something. It had been long enough now that the need to communicate this and get it out in the open had been building steadily inside of her. If she didn't say something soon she felt like she would explode. She needed to know, one way or the other. So that they could either move forward, or so that she could finally give up on this idea and fully move on.
Tara watched a quiet and visibly distraught Pam for a while, patiently waiting while she tried to understand what the problem was. She eventually stood and crossed over to her. Pam kept her back turned, but Tara moved so she could see her.
"What's wrong?" she asked softly.
Pam swallowed. "Nothing," she mumbled, casting her eyes down at the floor.
Tara waited another moment, but then reached up and tenderly swept Pam's hair around her neck and behind her shoulders as she gazed at her.
"I don't believe you," she said teasingly, trying to get Pam to smile.
Pam rotated her body so that her back was turned again. She placed her fingers on the spine of a large, dusty book in front of her and dragged her hand down slowly.
"Hey," Tara said faintly.
Pam's eyes slipped shut for a moment.
Say something.
Pam swallowed and blew out a shaky breath.
You have to say something.
And the moment she felt Tara's fingers gently stroking her arm, she found her voice.
"I don't know what you want..." she whispered. She closed her eyes and tried to stay calm. She knew her words were vague, but that's all she could manage at the moment.
But Tara understood her perfectly. This was the first time Pam had finally asked her what she was feeling, after all this time. And Tara was ready to speak. She reached down and brushed her fingers over Pam's before her lips parted.
"I want to make love to you," she declared softly.
Pam's knees almost buckled and she gasped. She gripped the shelf edge hard with both hands and tried to keep her body steady as her legs began to tremble. She felt Tara slowly wrap an arm around her waist from behind, and her warm palm pressed gently against her stomach. Pam closed her eyes again and felt Tara turn her around until they were facing each other. Tara gazed at her intently as she ran her hands up the sides of her waist, sending shivers up Pam's spine. Pam tried to hold back tears as her heart began to pound relentlessly in her chest. Tara eventually leaned in until their lips were an less than an inch apart. She held there a moment and Pam's mouth fell open as she began to pant, her chest visibly heaving.
Tara reached her arms around so that they were against Pam's lower back, and she leaned in further, brushing their lips together ever so faintly. Pam was now sure she could no longer remain standing, that her legs would surely collapse. Tara waited, gently stroking Pam's back as she continued gazing at her. A moment later, she kissed her again, harder this time, enveloping Pam's soft pink lips with her own and trailing her hands up to lightly caress the back of her neck. Pam was too overwhelmed to truly kiss her back, and as Tara swept her tongue over her bottom lip and slipped her warm hands under her shirt, she became dizzy and short of breath. Her body continued to tremble as a heavy pulse between her legs intensified.
Tara broke away and bent down to grab the back of her thighs. She easily picked her up and Pam wrapped her legs and arms around her. She kept her eyes closed as their foreheads touched, and they both held each other tight as Tara moved to the bedroom.