Chapter 20: Past

A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF).

And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz

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It had been many years since I had decided to watch over Bella's family. With each passing generation, I felt a lessoning of my burden as her descendants continued to procreate and flourish across the globe.

I had watched as technology and the world climbed to dizzying heights before crashing back down and altering civilization. I saw many changes and yet, just as many things stayed the same.

When I felt my responsibility had been met, I went in search of peace. I knew there was still an easy option for me if I wanted to take it. I could easily travel to Italy, to the Volturi stronghold and beg for them to finish me off.

I knew that wasn't my destiny though. Each time I even considered it, the words in Bella's final letter came back to haunt me.

Instead, I headed across the continent, wandering aimlessly in search of answers and the respite that Alice had promised I would eventually find.

During my search, I encountered things that made my heart ache anew. In South America, I heard rumours from the nomads I encountered. The area was known for vampires who appeared human; they retained their human eye colour and could walk in broad daylight with almost undetectable refraction from their skin. It was never my intention to discover new mysteries, only to find the path that would put my mind at rest—that would somehow, in some way, reunite me with Bella—and instead I found madness.

I wanted to disregard the rumours, but then the whisperings began to speak of a vampire named Joham who didn't kill his victims, but mated with them instead. His frequent trysts with humans, and the fact that many of the humans survived, were a local legend. There was even mention of human-vampire babies born out the unions.

I became crazed, obsessed.

I had thrown away everything with Bella for nothing? It was a question I asked myself time and time again.

I followed leads relentlessly until eventually I found an immortal called Nahuel.

It was a discovery that tore at my sanity because he had a human heartbeat, he was warm and appeared human and yet…he was older than I was. He was a hybrid vampire who proved that it would have been possible to have everything I wanted with Bella, everything and more.

My sanity plummeted rapidly as the potential for the life I could have had with Bella danced maddeningly through my thoughts. If only I had known. If only…

After learning about the possibilities that had lain before us, if I hadn't been so stubborn, I ran. I ran from…everything. I couldn't risk going to Isle Esme anymore. I had turned my back on my family and therefore I couldn't return to the one place I had found sanctuary. Instead, I ran inland. I ran toward the Amazon Rainforest, the tiny sliver that remained of what had once been a wide and proud jungle, majestically twisting across the continent.

However, I couldn't run from the thing I most desperately wanted to; myself and my choices.

I edged through the forest slowly, hunting only when I absolutely needed to and living alone with the memory of my beloved. I knew my mind had completely snapped when I stumbled across a young woman; a solitary human living deep in the jungle of the Amazon.

What convinced me that I was insane more than anything else was the fact that she was almost identical to Bella, even down to her silent mind. There were some superficial differences; where Bella had been pale with brown hair and eyes, the young woman's skin was a warm red-brown and her black eyes were far too old for her features. Her hair was jet black, hacked with a knife to rest jaggedly against her scalp.

She smiled widely at me, and beckoned me forward. I creased my brow and slowly followed the woman adorned in nothing more than a pair of cut-off shorts and a dirty, once-white tank. She hid behind a tree and I realised she was undressing. I averted my eyes and then, in less time than it took me to blink, a tearing sound filled the air and she was replaced by a giant, chocolate-brown wolf. The wolf bowed its head and whined once before flicking her muzzle to the side to indicate for me to follow her.

I stepped forward impulsively to follow the wolf. If I'd stopped to question what I was doing, or why, I wouldn't have been able to answer. I just felt the compulsion. Somehow, I knew she had something to offer me; some type of peace.

So many things about her reminded me of Bella, and not just the outward human appearance. Despite the fact that as a human she had black hair, as a wolf her fur was the precise shade that Bella's hair had once been. Staring at her face in the seconds before she had hidden behind the tree, her top lip had been ever so slightly off-balance, just as Bella's had been.

The large wolf led me silently through the thicket until we reached a cave. She pushed aside a door of twisted vines with her muzzle and gave another low whine. Even without the benefit of hearing her thoughts, I knew what she wanted. I stepped inside to see a small fire burning.

I was surprised to find I didn't feel…anything. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't thirsty. I just…was. Even the crushing agony that I'd lived with since leaving Bella dissolved as I passed through the mouth and into the cave beyond.

The wolf had phased back into the young woman. She stepped into the cave dressed in her human attire. She motioned for me to sit. I walked a little deeper into the cave and sat cross-legged on the ground. I breathed deeply—painlessly—for the first time in what felt like forever.

Wordlessly, she sat across from me.

"Who are you?" I asked.

She pressed her finger to her lips and threw something into the fire. It flamed blue briefly before dying back down to embers and sending thick smoke pluming through the small space. I breathed deeply again and everything grew clearer. The scent of the smoke began to take on the aroma of freesias. Through the smoke, I saw the girl step back out through the entrance.

I closed my eyes briefly and when I opened them again, Bella was sitting in the place vacated by the young woman. I knew it was a trick of the mind and that I shouldn't trust it, but I still didn't feel fear or panic. Instead, I found my mouth curl up slightly at the sight and smell of my beloved. It wasn't just a vision, the Bella before me was real. She was flesh, bone, and blood; delicious, sweet-smelling blood. Even if Alice hadn't seen her in the vision, I knew Bella was right in front of me. It wasn't quite the Bella that I had left, but neither was she the tired, older woman from Alice's last memory. Rather, she was an amalgam of everything that is and was Bella; the very essence of her being.

"I know what you want," she said with a wry smile.

I was so surprised seeing her right there, right in front of me that I blinked repeatedly as venom secreted in my mouth, a natural response to her wondrous scent. In all the years I had roamed the earth since her passing, I had found nothing that even came close to the appeal of her fragrance.

"I want you," I breathed out.

She smiled more brightly than I would have ever thought possible. It was a sight I didn't think I would ever see again.

"I should never have left you," I said.

Her smile twisted into a frown. "But you did leave me."

I cast my eyes downward. I wanted to reach across the small space between us and touch her to see if she was real, but I couldn't risk it. What if this is just another delusion? What if my mind has finally snapped completely?

I wasn't sure what to trust ever since the pain—the one that had overtaken me for so long that I had almost forgotten what it felt like not to be in agony—had lifted.

"I would do anything to change that, to get another chance at a life with you. To get an opportunity just to be near you again."

"You always thought you were soulless," she murmured, changing demeanour. She threw something into the fire between us and it raged green. A mountain lion formed in the smoke that swirled from it.

I nodded, transfixed by the perfect form of the big cat as it twisted and jumped, hunting for an unknown prey.

"You aren't," she smiled brightly again. Her words bought back the memory of her eighteenth birthday party and the events that happened after it. "But your soul is trapped. The venom binds it to your body. It's unable to leave and move on. Even if you do die, your soul will remain trapped in the ashes while your body endlessly tries to repair itself.

"There is no peace in the end for your kind. There is only living; endless living."

I should have been horrified by her words, but instead I was transfixed by the smoke cougar. I watched with fascination as she extended her hand out to the beast, which strode over and began its dance anew on her fingertips.

"Because of that, you and I can never be reunited."

I nodded, numb to the pain that I should have felt over her revelation.

"Unless…" she murmured.

My eyes snapped to hers. "Unless what?"

"What would you give up to be together?"

"Everything," I said without hesitation.

"Your future?"

I nodded.

"Your past?"

I nodded again. "Everything, anything," I whispered fervently.

"Me?"

I frowned. "No, I could never give you up. Never again."

"What if you had the chance to heal me? To give me everything I need? To love me completely? Would you give me up to have it?"

I closed my eyes. "I don't understand…"

I opened my eyes to see her nod with sadness.

"I couldn't give you up, Bella. If I ever had another opportunity to be with you, I could never leave you. Not unless you sent me away."

She beamed. My answer obviously communicated something she needed to know. "I think you're ready."

"Ready for what?" I asked.

"If you're willing to give everything away, she can help you find your way back to me."

Somehow, I just knew she was talking about the young she-wolf who was already playing with my mind by showing me Bella.

"Why would she help me? Help…us?"

"She's a healer, but she has her own reasons for doing this."

"What are they?" I asked.

Bella shook her head and smiled.

"What will happen?"

"Your soul will be released," she said.

"So I will die?" I asked plainly, the thought didn't scare me nearly as much as forever without her.

"Eventually," she shrugged. "Everyone who lives has to die at some point."

"But my soul…it will find you?" A bubble of hope grew within me.

"Your soul will be released, but it cannot move on until it has lived and died again."

I frowned at her, not understanding what she meant.

"You will be reborn into a life that is intertwined with my own."

"In the past?" I wondered whether it was even possible.

She didn't confirm it, just watched the smoke creature moving fluidly on her hand. As I stared openly at it, the smoke seemed to cycle back into itself and the animal grew.

"I will get to love you again?" I asked.

She smiled.

"I can undo the damage I did when I left you?"

"You won't change the past. You can only live it. If you wish."

"Will I remember you?"

She shook her head slowly. "No, and I won't know you either. But I understand now."

"What do you mean?"

"One day, you will understand too."

Her eyes shifted back to the cougar dancing over the back of her hand. She twisted her arm again and the beast came to rest on her palm. She held her hand out to present it to me.

"This is your animal spirit, your soul guide," she said.

I stretched my hand across the fire, daring to close some of the distance between us. The cougar snarled and leapt toward me, pouncing weightlessly onto my hand. My palm felt warm where the animal rested. The smoke shimmered and glowed a deep golden colour momentarily.

"She can help you. She can guide you back to me."

I looked past the animal to Bella's face. It seemed like she was fading away. Her features were fuzzy like watching a ghosted face on a poorly tuned TV.

"Please, don't go," I whispered as she became hazier. The cougar was growing larger on my palm, increasing in size and warmth. It stalked over my arm and growled deeply as it neared my shoulder.

"It's your choice," Bella said as her image dissipated completely. "If you want to be reunited, you just need to have faith."

I nodded. I would trust Bella to the end of the world—or at least until the end of me.

The cougar, now the size of a household cat, sat on my shoulder and snarled.

"Please," I begged. "Please take me to her."

The cougar snarled once more before leaping toward my face and I was struck by a cloud of ash which clawed at my nose and mouth relentlessly. I shook my head, trying to clear away the discomfort the ash caused me.

The smoke in the room thickened. I heard footsteps nearby and looked up to see the she-wolf standing over me smiling. The sweetness of the scent increased as the smoke turned purple and began to invade all of my senses. I choked on it. The smell grew putridly sweet, the scent of venom burning. My body began to convulse as the smoke crept into my mouth and throat. All around me, darkness closed in. My hearing was muffled. All of the pain that had been lifted away suddenly struck me and I cried out in agony. My body went from ice-cold to raging fire in seconds and back again. I was in agony. The hurt running through my body was even more extreme than the pain of my transformation.

I screamed out again. Physical agony ravaged my body and I clawed at my skin to pull it away, trying to ease the ache. My fingernail scraped against my arms, ripping and tearing away great chunks.

Moments that might have been days passed with the same agonising intensity. I couldn't focus enough to comprehend the passage of time. I was still without all of my senses, except for the cloying, thick scent of the fire that seemed to be within me and all around me simultaneously.

I knew I was dying.

I could only hope Bella was right.

Warm palms came to rest on my arms. I stilled my movements instantly, worried that my thrashing would hurt the woman; the she-wolf who promised me Bella. All I had to give up was everything. It was an easy choice.

"Relax, Edward," a soft voice whispered and yet the sound penetrated the complete wall of silence around me. "You will be free soon enough."

"Who are you?" I managed to push out through teeth clenched together in agony. I wondered whether I should have trusted her.

"I am Isabella Black."

I struggled desperately to remain conscious as her words filtered down into my subconscious. I felt the darkness marching on. Sleep; it was something I had craved for so long, except this would be an eternal sleep. The words that Bella had clung to at the end of her life came back to me.

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; for in that sleep of death what dreams may come.

I fought with great effort to remain lucid enough to listen to the woman as she continued to speak.

"I am the daughter of Jackson and Arabella Black. They told me your story; they showed me your letters. I have searched endlessly for a way to reunite you; my family owes you that. Without your sacrifice, my father might not have been around when a clan of vampires tried to wipe out our tribe. Without your loss, my mother would never have known my Aunty Alice who ensured we had vampires fighting alongside us. You have given up so much for us; I wanted to do this for you."

Her voice faded in and out, but I concentrated hard on her voice and I was able to guess at the words I couldn't hear. I tried to form words to ask questions, but each time I did, the torture my body was enduring stole my voice.

"Over the past century, I have kept phasing until I could help you. I've studied every religion and magical practice there is in the world. I have learned the art of soul flights. I have studied herbs and now know the way to release your soul and cast it back through time to be reborn.

"Once it is free, I will destroy your body and then we can both find peace."

Her voice faded away one final time, and then it was gone. Her hands were gone. Everything was gone. The last thing I heard was the tearing sound that I knew preceded a transformation from human to wolf.

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A/N:- I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this...but I couldn't.

The next (and last) chap will be up about this time tomorrow.

I would love to hear your theories about this revelation...