Shades – Chapter 21
Universal Pictures owns all rights of Fifty Shades of Grey and Pitch Perfect…I only own the idea of this twisted mash-up of an alternate universe love story.
A/N: In this AU Jesse James Swanson is a mid-twenties billionaire and alumni of Barden University. Rebeca (Beca) Ann Mitchell has just turned twenty-two and is a graduating senior of the same college. Their paths cross during an interview, which will forever change their lives. This story will be told through the POV of Beca.
Warning! Chapters may include graphic sexual situations (BDSM) which may not be suitable for everyone. Reviews and/or comments are always welcome. Thank you for reading.
"Last time on Shades...
"Oh, before I forget you ladies are invited to our parent's anniversary celebration this weekend." Jesse announces looking directly at me. "My mother specifically asked for me to bring you, and my father and sister can't wait to meet you."
"Yikes!"
And it starts...
And now…
Jesse's Apartment - Los Angeles, CA
Due to adverse weather conditions our move was delayed a couple of days so we've had to stay with Jesse a little bit longer but, to our delight our stuff has finally arrived. Deciding on an early start Chloe and Tom have left us to supervise the movers and prepare our new residence letting us sleep in and have some time to ourselves. With it being Saturday, the Swanson's Anniversary dinner is also tonight, and while Jesse takes care of some business related matters I use this opportunity to call my mother.
"It's okay...I completely understand." I try to explain, getting comfortable on the living room Italian leather sofa.
"But sweetie, you only graduate from college once in your life and I missed it. I just hope someday you'll forgive me...sniff...sniff"
"Please!" Taking a deep breath. "Mom! Stop crying...there's nothing to forgive."
"Honey you know under different circumstances we would have been there."
"He had a heart attack!" I blurt out. "It was just a stupid ceremony. I'm fine, and besides there was nothing you could have done. I'm just glad he's okay."
"Well actually he's not out of the woods yet. Sam had bypass surgery on Thursday."
"What!?" Exhaling deeply. "He had open heart surgery?" Fully annoyed I can't believe my mother neglected to tell me about this but I try my best to keep my emotions in check. This is my stepfather after all who puts up with her shenanigans. After the divorce they met through mutual friends and hit it off immediately, then married within a year. Robert's a decent guy who's been good to both of us, providing my mother with the love and stability she needs in a spouse and all the support and kindness I could ever hope for in a stepparent
"I wish you would have told me earlier. I should have been there!"
"I didn't want you to worry."
"Okay...that's it. I'm coming out to see you." I conclude, sighing heavily. "I've got a dinner party tonight so I can probably be there Sunday afternoon at the earliest. I just need to check for available flights."
"Sweetie...you don't have to but I would really love to see you. I'll be staying with Rob in the hospital over the weekend so anytime on Monday would be perfect." After a brief pause my mother's curiosity takes hold of her. "So, is this dinner party with your boyfriend?"
"Yes...it's for Jesse parents actually, they're celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary."
"Oh wow...30 years! That's a long time to be married to the same person."
Is that a slam?
My eyes roll in response to her comment.
"Are you nervous about meeting his family?"
"A little but Chloe will be there. She's dating his brother after all."
"You have to tell me everything when you get here."
"Yes mom...I'll tell you all about it."
As our conversation continues Jesse enters with a couple of glasses of wine and hands me mine. I mouth "thank you", clink glasses with him and take a sip. The man really knows his booze as the golden liquid glides down my throat like silk eliciting a moan of appreciation from me and a smile from him. Hearing the sound of clinking glasses my mother just has to ask.
"Is he there with you now?"
"Umm...yes. Actually, Chloe and I have been staying with Jesse while our place is getting ready." Having not divulged the nature of our relationship to my mother, I'm already regretting my last comment.
"Beca...darling, please tell me you're being careful."
And here it comes...
"Mom...I've already had this conversation with dad." I explain, taking a deep breath. "I'm an adult who's just graduated from college with honors; I've already got a job lined up here in L.A. and I'm in a committed relationship." I defensively blurt out sipping my wine.
"So just how committed are you to this man?"
Well mom...he ties me up and blind folds me, and now we're practically picking out China patterns.
"I care a great deal for Jesse. Not only is he a gentleman, he treats me very well so you have nothing to worry about."
Just as I'm taking another sip my leather collar is dangled in front of me making my eyes go wide as I nearly spit out my drink.
"Oh goodness gracious! You're having sex with this man. I can hear it in your voice. Please tell me you're using birth control."
"Goodbye mother...I'll talk to you soon. Love you."
Ending my call I carelessly toss my cell phone onto the coffee table and glare at Jesse.
"What?" He innocently asks.
"Don't what me! Do you have any idea what wine feels like coming out of your "nostrils?"
"No...I can't say I do." He laughs, stuffing the leather accessory into his pocket. I nearly roll my eyes but stop myself. "I'm sorry babe...I just couldn't resist it."
"Where did you get that anyway?"
"It's the same one you wore in Houston. I thought we might get more use out of it."
"Yeah...well, put it away! We're not exactly alone here. Did you forget we have company?"
"Relax Beca...nobody's here but us. I've given Benji the week off to spend with his family, my housekeeper won't be here until tomorrow and Tom said something about him and Chloe having some errands to run." He replies, putting me at ease. "Anyway my brother also said they would be meeting us at my parent's house tonight so we have the entire day to ourselves." He states, scooting closer to me. "What can we do to pass the time, Miss Mitchell? Do you have any suggestions?"
"I might." I seductively respond, biting my lip.
"Hmm..." He says brushing his lips to mine. "Do you wanna check out the room?"
Downing the rest of my wine I place my glass down, pull him closer by his shirt and firmly press my lips to him.
"Yes." I breathe. "Show me."
Walking down a hall we enter a door that has a staircase leading upstairs. Going up the flight of steps I can feel and hear the thuds of my heartbeat increase as my arousal takes hold of me. Approaching another door Jesse whips out a key and inserts it into the lock. With a quick turn of the knob the door is opened to a pitch dark room. He flicks a switch and it's all revealed to me as a more elaborate version in size and content of the Houston playroom with more specialized furniture including several wedges, chairs and tables of all sorts with various machines used for sexual play and God only knows what else. Torture? My immediate perception is that of fear but having already experienced some kinkery fuckery with Jesse I'm overwhelmed with excitement and suddenly feel overdressed.
"Well? Say something." He's insistent but patiently waits for my response. I'm speechless as I stroll further into the room and stop at something that appears to be a variation of a Saint Andrews Cross. It's large and round, grid-like made of steel with leather fasteners to hold the subject in place.
"What is this?"
"It's a revolving bondage wheel." He says softly, eyeing me like I'm his next meal. "I can't wait to strap you in and fuck you on it."
He's not the only one…
Swallowing deeply the gulping sound I make could probably be heard back in Atlanta.
"And this?"
"It's a Shockspot robotic fucking machine with attachments for deep vaginal and anal penetration." He says matter-of-factly. "The human body can only do so much. It's when I can't give you enough stimulation or when you just desire more."
Wow! I think I'm in shock.
"You want to use that thing on me?" I ask with reluctance, turning bright red. "I'm not so sure I-"
"-Relax Beca...you're not ready for this. I wouldn't dream of thrusting this (pun intended) upon you until much later, but I'm dying to use this." He says picking up a metallic looking suitcase.
"Oh...kay. What the hell is that?"
"Something I picked up a little while ago in Europe and I want YOU to be the first to try it with me." He says opening the case. "It's the latest in Electro-Stimulation."
First and only, weirdo...
The case includes a wand with several attachments for different sensations which intrigues me.
"Will it hurt?"
"Oh no baby...this will feel extremely good to both of us. It also has a power-tripper feature which makes one of the participants the conductor. Imagine me inside you or giving you oral gratification with this attached to me, giving you mild electrical current adding to your pleasure. You think your orgasms are powerful now... Talk about mind blowing sex." He pauses, as my feet can no longer support me. Taking a seat on the enormous four poster bed covered in red leather sheets, I shift my legs, putting one over the other feeling the pooling moisture between my thighs. "Are you okay? You're looking a bit flushed." He says with amusement. I'm speechless as I shake my head in disbelief.
"How can you be so calm describing this stuff when all I wanna to do is climb you like the Rock of Gibraltar." My comment takes him off guard as he cracks up. "Is it getting hot in here?" I ask, fanning myself.
"Oh...believe me Beca, the feeling is mutual. I'm more affected than you'll ever know. Having you in here is almost too much for me to handle but we'll have to wait until we're alone."
"You're right, but I don't think I can." Giving in to desire my legs shift again. "You said they're out..." I say softly. "Help me out of this." Turning around I lift my hair to give him better access. "Unzip me."
"Beca...we really shouldn't. What if they come back unexpectedly and hear us?"
"Then I guess you'll just have to gag me." Not quite believing the words I'm vomiting Jesse's eyebrows disappear into his hairline as he's just as shocked to hear what I'm suggesting. "Jesse...you brought me here..."
"Okay baby...I hear you." He says in the softest tone bringing the zipper to it's lowest position, exposing more skin. "Put these on." He instructs, reaching into his pocket and handing me my collar and matching restraints. "Braid your hair the way you I showed you, kneel by the wheel and wait for me until I return."
WARNING! THIS NEXT PART CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR EVERYONE! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OR SKIP OVER IT...YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Returning a few minutes later Jesse is wearing faded loose fitting jeans minus a shirt and has bare feet with those delectable toes I want to suck on. I sneak a quick peek at him then lower my eyes to the ground. Oozing of sex appeal he really stirs my juices as I wait patiently anticipating what he has in store for me. Gripping my braid he yanks my head back forcing me to gaze upon him.
"I know what you need Beca, and I'm going to give it to you, but you may live to regret it." He threatens eliciting fear in me but I don't dare to show it.
"Stick to what you know Swanson and let me be the judge of that." My challenge entices him as he crashes his lips into mine. "I'm ready for you, Sir."
Pulling me up by my braid I'm brought to an upright position as my collar and wrist restraints are fastened to the wheel. Kneeling before me my legs are spread apart as his nose is buried into the apex of my thighs, breathing in my scent, closing his eyes in pure ecstasy as my panties are gently removed and stuffed into his pocket.
"You're so ready for me." He purrs, swiping my folds with his keen digits, gathering my juices to bring to his eager mouth. "And so delicious." He adds, licking his fingers clean, then placing a lingering kiss to my labia making me groan softly as I clench and squirm with anticipation.
"Remain still or I won't let you come." He forewarns, fastening my ankle restraints, leaving me completely vulnerable, nude and in a spread eagle position. "Do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir." I breathe, with a heaving chest.
Rising to his feet I'm forced to look at him.
"Do you remember your safe words?"
"Yes, Sir." I respond softly getting more nervous.
"Tell me."
"Yellow for warning and red to stop, Sir." I reply quietly.
"Very good." His voice is dripping with seduction as he places a kiss to my lips. "I won't sugar coat this Beca...with what I have planned it's going to get really intense in here. With the possibility of our guests returning unexpectedly if you make a sound I will have to gag you. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Do you still want to continue?" I nod quickly with confidence.
Hellyeah!
Managing to keep quiet my nipples are practically gnawed on, then pinched and pulled elongating them for effective clamping, but when Jesse kneels down and aggressively sucks my clit into his mouth followed by intense pulling, I gasp out as a cold metallic clamp seizes my sensitive flesh. The pain is excruciating as it's tightened, pinching me in a way I never thought possible making me shriek out in agony. His hand is immediately over my lips as I'm not able to hold back. A ball is stuffed into my mouth as the gag is in place muffling my cries as the assault on my most delicate point continues.
"Shh...baby. I know you can take it but if it's too much press this button and we'll stop." He says softly placing a small remote in my hand, stroking my hair as tears stream down my cheeks. Shaking my head from side to side the pain is just too unbearable. "Look at me Beca." He says, stilling my head between his hands. "Give me your submission and the pain will go away." My tears suddenly cease as I look into his warm brown orbs. I desperately want to please him so I breathe in deeply through my nose and do my best to ignore the throbbing pain and submit myself to him.
With my inner goddess front and center yelling out cheers while tossing pom poms into the air, my subconscious with crossed arms looks on with complete disapproval.
"Are you okay to continue?" He asks again to be certain. Closing my eyes momentarily I nod my head. "Very good." He purrs, and without further delay inserts his digits into my opening, spreading me wide, hastily pumping me and striking my G-spot as I'm brought to one crashing orgasm after another, catapulting me into the place I long to be...subspace.
Life is about a dream...
Everything is a blur afterwards as my hypnotic trance deepens as the pain fades away, my body accepting more stimulation from my domme and his plethora of sex toys. With the ball gag removed I'm vaguely aware of what's happening as the wheel is rotated and I'm filled to capacity being massaged from the inside by whatever buzzing device has been selected for play. And when the genital clamp is taken away I climax exquisitely as a rush of blood returns to my swollen clit sending me into instant bliss igniting all nerve endings along my spine. Before I'm able to recover the wheel is rotated again as Jesse enters me and relentlessly pile drives his way sending me into another release as I continue to let go...and let go...and let go.
With my sense of self slipping away I'm semi aware of a new sensation being introduced as my rear experiences it's first ever prolapse as something worms it's way inside me without warning. Wanting to protest at the intrusion, I'm unable to because the new sensation of double penetration is beyond anything I've felt before as I'm further lost in euphoria. Not wanting to admit something so deviant to myself I crave more and soon my body receives exactly what it desires. Climaxing harder than ever before, screaming internally as my surroundings fade to black with me succumbing to the darkest side of me yet.
A few hours later...
Finding myself in Jesse's bed. He's sitting in a chair watching me intently with the most loving expression I've ever seen. Wearing nothing more than a bathrobe I'm sore all over and can barely move. Helping me into a sitting position I'm handed a glass of orange juice and tylenol which I take without question.
Don't you have something stronger...like morphine?
"What happened?" I ask, groggily rubbing my forehead. "Everything hurts, including my..." I can't bring myself to say it because I know something happened but wait for his response to confirm.
"Relax, I only fingered you so your ass is still a virgin...well sort of." He says smiling mischievously. "You came so hard, squirting no less then blacked out on me." My eyes widen at his remarks.
What the hell?
"I did what?" He nods his head and hooks a strand of unruly hair behind my earspike. "It was amazing Becs. I didn't think you were capable of it."
"Apparently I'm capable of a lot of things." I admit, closing my eyes. "How long was I out?"
"A few hours. It's almost three o'clock." He says, looking at the alarm clock on his night stand. "How do you feel?"
"Very achy and...woozy, but hungry as hell." As my stomach grumbles, the need for consumption is confirmed. Jesse takes my glass and helps me off the bed and onto my feet. I can barely walk, shuffling my feet until I'm across the room, giving him one of my signature smirks. "What the hell did you do to me?"
"You'll feel better after a bath." He says smirking back and leads me into his elaborate ensuite bathroom.
Needing to take care of business I'm hardly able to lower myself to the same type of numi toilet that's in his Houston residence. Looking on with amusement, Jesse observes me as I continue to move with the agility and speed of a ninety-five year old.
"Dude...I've got this. We're not close enough for you to watch me pee."
"Until I know you're completely out of trance I'm not letting you out of my sight." He pauses with a sigh. "If it'll make you feel more comfortable...I'll go first." And undoes his jeans, whips it out and aims for the ultramodern porcelain God. After a couple of taps he cleans himself with a small wad of bathroom tissue and tucks himself back in. "Happy now?"
"Happy doesn't describe how I feel." I deadpan, bunching my robe at my waist and lowering myself to complete my task. Wiping myself clean I wince a little which gets Jesse's attention.
"C'mon...we have a little time...let's take a bath and then I'll feed you." He suggests affectionately. "It'll do you some good and I'll even give you one of my awesome massages." Giving him a nod of approval I disrobe as he draws our bath adding exotic oils to the steaming fountain cascading from the oversized jacuzzi tub.
Helping me down into a sitting position the water is on the hot side but feels amazing to my aching muscles. Scooting forward Jesse sits behind me and immediately I'm enveloped by his arms and legs. Feeling him harden against my rear brings me a sense of contentment knowing it's my body alone that excites him. Resting against his front he nuzzles my neck making me moan out. His hands are soon massaging my shoulders kneading out unwanted knots, as I melt like butter.
"So...did you like it?"
"Hmm...which part?"
"My fingers up your ass while I was fucking you."
"Wow! You certainly have a way with words, Mr. Swanson." I joke, still enjoying his strong hands massaging me. "Let's just say it wasn't what I expected."
There...I said something. Clear as mud, not committing myself either way.
"You still didn't answer my question. Is it something you want to explore or was it completely repulsive to you." He's adamant in wanting me to admit something I'm not ready to. He knows what it did to me, I passed out in the thralls of passion for God's sake. I can barely admit it to myself that I enjoyed the act but feel it's far too taboo to accept as part of my lifestyle or even discuss it.
"Well, if you won't answer me then I guess it's okay." He teases back, rubbing my rear. Unable to keep still I squirm making the water slosh giving him better access as his middle digits slide between my half globes and tempt me...there. Closing my eyes I moan softly as my body's deception over me continues, reacting on it's own.
"Do you want me to stop or should I just...you know, stick it in." He murmurs against my ear as a louder groan escapes me. "Okay...since you won't answer I'm just going to do it." And pushes his finger inside.
"You're so tight." He murmurs against my ear. "Isn't this nice?" He purrs, adding a second digit, stretching me.
"Yes." I breathe, on the presipice of unraveling.
Responding to his pumping action my body heats up, flushing bright red as I stiffen all over. Arching my back I grab the sides of the tub and orgasm gloriously, moaning out my lover's name.
"Well...I guess I got my answer." He says, withdrawing his digits and placing kisses to my temple. "Thank you Beca, you have no idea how happy you've made me. For someone so young and inexperienced, you continue to surprise me. You're so beautiful and you're all mine." He gushes, wrapping his arms around me, cupping my breasts while kissing the back of my neck as my body continues to convulse. "That's it baby...feel it. Let your body experience the pleasure it was meant to."
It must be his soothing voice because I'm literally coming apart in his arms pushing against him, unable to regain control of my senses as surge after surge consume me as my cries of passion continue.
"Shh baby...you're still in subspace. Enjoy it...I've got you."
And I do just that as my submission to Jesse Swanson is complete.
Later that evening...
Having slept off my trance I'm almost back to my snarky self as we get ready for the anniversary dinner. With tendrils hanging down on both sides my hair is up, styled the way Stacie showed me with my makeup applied lighter than usual, and with lip gloss rolled onto my lips I'm ready to meet the Swanson clan. Wearing the same dress I wore at graduation I grab my clutch bag and enter the living room to find Jesse sporting dress slacks hanging off his hips and a button down dress shirt revealing his dark chest hair. His hair is deliciously mussed, and with a five o'clock shadow enhancing his features, his masculinity makes my heart flutter. He's listening to soft jazz music and motions for me to come closer.
"C'mere." He say grinning, showing his perfect pearly whites, sweeping me into his arms and guiding me into a slow dance.
It's at this moment our eyes lock and I nearly lose the ability to breathe. His moves are fluid like and are those of an expert as we glide along the room feeling the music pulsing through our veins. A few minutes more and I'm dipped, held in position as he gazes affectionately at me.
"You look lovely tonight." He breathes and kisses me passionately. "Are you ready to meet my crazy family?"
"Absolutely." I respond smiling and return his kiss. "Thank you for the dance."
After having experienced one of the most draining but emotionally satisfying days of recent Jesse and I leave his apartment and are chauffeured to his parent's house.
Swanson's Mansion - Beverly Hills, CA
At six o'clock we pull up to an elaborate gated entry and granted access with the flick of a switch. We drive another mile up a private road, and after a few twists and turns an enormous mansion comes in to view. It's beautiful and probably worth millions.
Entering through double doors we're greeted by a butler who takes our coats and my clutch bag, then led into the formal dining room where everyone is already seated. As we approach the table everybody stands to greet us, and with Jesse's arm around me, he's first with introductions.
"Beca...you've already met my mother, Janet; this here is my little sister, Zoe who just got back from a trip in Paris and my father, Jonathan. You guys, this is Rebeca Mitchell. Extending my hand to Jesse's father he pulls me into a hug.
"Oh!" I chime up not expecting to be squeezed so tightly.
"Welcome to our home Miss Mitchell." He says releasing me. "My wife has told me so much about you, the rest of us couldn't wait to finally meet you."
"Mr. Swanson...the pleasure's all mine and please call me Beca." I retort getting dragged away by Jesse's sister.
"So is it true you have tattoos?" The youngest Swanson enthusiastically asks, who I would guess to be a couple of years younger than me as she exposes the skin below her right shoulder displaying a colorful butterfly. "I got this while I was in Paris. My parents hate it. Can I see yours?"
"Zoe! Leave her alone. Let's have dinner first and then we'll play show and tell later."
"Fine daddy." The young blonde hair, blue-eyed girl responds, letting out an exaggerated sigh looking defeated.
"Hey Zoe!" I whisper to the youngest sibling. "It's beautiful." My compliment makes her giddy especially after I turn around and flash her my floral tattoo. Smiling with mutual understanding we take our seats across from each other enjoying our little exchange.
The Swanson's have paid staff who prepare their meals, maintain the inside of their home, manage the outside grounds and have chauffeurs on call at all times. These people are not only wealthy...they live like royalty. As the first course is brought in the hierarchy of the family rises to his feet to make a toast.
"It's a rare treat when all of our children can be here and no less to celebrate our anniversary." He says facing his wife. "Janet...you're the love of my life, my best friend and wind beneath my wings. I fell in love with you years ago when we met in high school and I love you more each day. Today we're celebrating thirty years of matrimony which feels like yesterday when we exchanged our wedding vows. You are my life and legacy Mrs. Swanson." Turning to face Jesse, Tom and Zoe, he continues. "To our kids who filled our home with joy and our hearts with love. Who have continued to evolve into independent and responsible young adults who we grow more proud of each and every day; and to our special guests." Now it's our turn to be put on the spotlight. "Beca and Chloe who not only add beauty and charm to our home, but have embedded themselves into the lives and hearts of our sons. Please join me in grace as we bless the meal prepared for us and for all that we're fortunate to have. Bless us O Lord, and your gifts, which we are about to receive, from your bounty. Through Christ our Lord….Amen."
As we all repeat "Amen" I can't help to feel a little out of place because of my parents predicament, divorcing when I was at the ripe age of fifteen. It's a pleasure seeing two people married for so long to still be in love. As I look around the table I see Tom and Chloe holding hands, grinning at each other afflicted with lovestruck syndrome, I see the parental figures who are older but wiser with so much love and affection for their family, I see myself in the youngest Swanson who I'm sure we have more in common with besides tattoos, and then there's Jesse, a tragic figure with a rough start in life but given the opportunity to thrive into a successful businessman with the help of decent upbringing. Where do I fit into this? Could I be the one who tames their youngest son and give him the love and security of a partner he's never had? With Tom looking as though he's about to burst at the seams we're all hushed as he rises to his feet.
Oh God! Is this a proposal?
Jesse smiles at me and holds my hand as his brother takes a large sip of his wine, then looks directly at his girlfriend.
"Chloe baby, you know how I feel about you and I can't deny my feelings any longer." He says with a southern drawl. "I love you darling and want to be close to you so I'm moving to L.A. permanently. I've worked it out with my parents and I'm going to live here while I build my own place on a parcel of land already purchased in Malibu."
"Oh, my God! Tom...you're going to be here!" Chloe practically springs out of her seat and lands in her boyfriend's arms as they kiss passionately.
Turning to Jesse he's all smiles. "You knew about this...didn't you?"
"Who do you think bought the land."
His comment brings a smile to my face as I observe my best friend in love with a man who returns her affections, who is willing to relocate thousands of miles just to live closer to her. I've never been the jealous type but it's not easy seeing a relationship like theirs flourish without the complexity of ours with the potential of a prosperous future together. While at the same time I feel sadness for myself, for Jesse still won't allow himself to be touched and doesn't love me...or does he? Snapping out of my blue funk the arrogant ass taps his glass with a spoon and stands to make a toast.
"To my brother and his newest endeavor. May the road rise up to meet you, and may the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your field. Best of luck to you bro taking this leap of faith. I think I speak for all of us when I say, we can't wait to have you here."
We clink glasses and sip our wine. Putting my glass down a little too quickly I stand up, excuse myself and leave the table leaving everyone perplexed. Getting one of the servant's attention I ask for the whereabouts of the nearest restroom. A young blonde girl in uniform who's been eyeing Jesse all night points in a direction and I'm almost sprinting to find the restroom before I completely break down in front of my boyfriend's family.
Entering the facility I close the door behind me, grip the counter with both hands, look at my reflection in the mirror and begin my own personal judgment.
What's wrong with you Mitchell? You're supposed to be some kind of a badass, what the hell is this? You've become soft and weak, crying at the drop of a hat for some guy who won't let you in. You've given everything to him including parts once considered off limits, and he won't even let you touch him! You're a fool Beca Mitchell...a damn fool for trusting a disturbed son-of-a bitch like that. He doesn't love you and never will. Why should he buy the cow when he can get all the milk he wants whenever and however he wants.
As tears fall down my cheeks I feel like such a fool for letting myself be used. Hearing footsteps outside the door I try to compose myself as the door suddenly opens.
"Jesus! Don't you ever knock?"
"No." Chloe says matter-of-factly. "You should know that by now."
Trying to conceal any evidence of my sadness I turn away and wipe my eyes but the reporter inside her doesn't give up.
"Beca...what's going on?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"C'mon...it's me."
"Chloe I don't want to spoil the evening or your news. I'm happy for you guys...I really am."
"But you're sad because you wish Jesse would give you more."
Bravo Miss Beale...you're spot on as usual.
"He's trying...he really is. It's just complicated." I explain as more tears escape.
"Beca, it doesn't have to be." She says rubbing my back. "What has that no good son-of-a bitch done to you now?"
"Nothing...that's the problem." Sniffling now I back away, grab a kleenex and blow my nose. "I love him so much, but he doesn't feel the same way."
"I'm sure he's just afraid of making that kind of commitment. Beca, he has deep feelings for you. It's obvious to everyone."
"Yeah? But not to me. Would it kill him to love me back?" Raising my voice the waterworks resume. I've given that man everything! Every part of me belongs to him and he won't even let me touch him." Having said too much I immediately have regrets for the words falling from my lips.
Chloe grabs me by my shoulders and looks into my eyes. "What are you talking about?"
"It's nothing...forget it."
"Damn it Beca! What are you not saying?" She asks, tearing up. "What has that bastard been doing to you?"
"He had a rough start in life."
"Yeah? A lot of people have."
"Authorities found him at a young age with his biological mother who had died of some STD. He's referred to her as a crack whore so I'm assuming she was a prostitute. Anyway she was dead for three days before they were found. Jesse almost died of malnutrition and was hospitalized which, is when the Swansons found him."
"Okay that's horrible, but it was a long time ago. I'm sorry if I sound callous but what does that have to do with you?"
Nothing...
"During his teen years he was sexually abused by an older woman which lasted for several years, it's where he discovered kink." Pausing with a sigh. "He never learned about love Chloe, his heart may not be capable of it."
He's broken...
"So he was dominated by this Mrs. Robinson type who basically robbed him of his childhood." She concludes, I nod yes. "You said he won't let you touch him. What the hell is that about?"
"He has some scarring. I've asked about the marks but he refuses to tell me." I say, wiping my tear stained cheeks and fixing my make-up. "Something horrible happened in his past to make him like this."
"Beca...it sounds to me that he's afraid to love or have anyone love him back. Trauma can do that. I can't believe I'm about to say this but don't give up on him. He needs you as much as you need him, but at the same time you're too available for him." She affirms pulling a kleenex from the box and helping to fix my make-up. "It may not happen right away but he'll come around."
"You really think so?"
"Yeah...I do. C'mon...we better get back."
"Thanks Red...I really appreciate it."
"Anytime my friend." She says, giving me a hug.
Returning to the table all eyes are on us. As I'm about to take a seat Jesse stands and pulls my chair out for me. Hooking a tendril of hair behind my ear spike he scrutinizes me as I look away.
"You've been crying." He whispers in my ear. "Are you okay?" I nod yes and pick up my fork to eat.
"I'm fine." I say softly taking a bite of my dinner as Jesse watches me with concern.
Trying to change the subject I ask Chloe about her plans to go to the Barbados. "Hey...aren't you guys like leaving next week?"
"Oh totes!" She says gazing at her boy toy. "Our flight leaves this Monday then we get back just before Copenhagen. Beca...you should use this time to see your mother."
"Oh...I am. I'm actually seeing her next week." I continue, purposely trying to evoke a response from the Jesse. "I leave Monday as well."
"You never told me about this." He says whispering to me, running his hand through his hair. "How long will you be gone?"
"Umm...about a week." I respond, taking a sip of liquid courage. "My stepfather just had bypass surgery so I'm going to help my mom with stuff. We just made these plans this morning. I'm sorry if I forgot to tell you."
Placing his napkin on the table Jesse rises to his feet. "Excuse us." He says reaching for my hand. "Beca, may I have a word with you?"
Gently wiping my lips with my cloth napkin I return it to the table and push my chair back. Taking Jesse's hand I'm brought to my feet. "We'll be right back."
As we head out the back door we enter a detached structure I can only describe as a cabana. Entering the small room Jesse grabs my wrist and spins me around to face him.
"What is this about!?" He's furious with me.
"Ouch!" I yelp out. Yanking myself away from his grip. Rubbing my sore wrist I finally speak. "I think we need some time apart." My voice is shaky as I'm not able to look him in the eye.
"You're leaving me...aren't you." He asks with a much softer tone.
"It's just for a week." I respond still rubbing my wrist. "I need some space from you and time to think about things."
"Like what?"
Stepping away the distance between us widens as I contemplate what I need to say.
"I see the way your father is with your mother and the way Tom is with Chloe, and I keep thinking to myself, why don't we have that?" Getting more emotional. "Jesse, there's so much I want to tell you...but I can't."
"Beca...you can tell me anything-"
"-No! Not this." Interrupting him I place my hands on both sides of his face and press my lips to his. "You need to let me go."
"But I don't want to. I love..." Unable to finish his sentence he closes his eyes. "I love being with you." He finishes.
"Me too baby, but it's not enough." I finally admit. "I need more."
"Okay...I hear you." He says, rubbing his forehead. "Let me at least offer you the use of my jet."
Having not secured any flights yet I nod in acceptance of his offer. "Thank you."
He nods approvingly then pulls me into his arms. "Please come back to me. I'll try harder, I promise." His voice is filled with desperation as his grip on me tightens. "I don't want to lose you Beca. Please tell me you won't give up on us."
I won't...
A/N: Next chapter will complete this story but a sequel titled Shades: Darker will start where this one leaves off so I hope you'll continue to follow along.