When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale
I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
- 'Demons' by Imagine Dragons

Numbness had become my life. I couldn't remember the last emotion I had felt. It had been two months since we came back home from New York, and I had spent every moment I could alone in my room. I barely slept, I barely ate, and I barely moved. This was my life now. Nothing seemed right, and everything seemed wrong. I couldn't cry anymore because it felt like I had no more tears. I knew it wasn't the end of the world. Plenty of parents get divorced. Many people cheat on their significant other… but it was the end of my world.

I fought to feel something. During the day, I would have eight complete hours of solitude while everyone was in class. And I would spend all eight of those hours staring at the wall in hopes that maybe even a dribble of emotion—pain, sadness, even anger—would spill out. It still hasn't happened. Maybe I had become incapable of feeling emotion. Maybe I was more like Valentine than I had imagined.

For the first couple of weeks after class let out, I would have loads of visitors. Isabelle and Simon would sit in my room and try to crack jokes. I couldn't even fake a smile for them. Sebastian and Cecily would catch me up on the latest gossip. I couldn't be bothered to be intrigued. Jem and Tessa would try to catch me up on classwork. I couldn't pay attention. Alec and Magnus would sit in my room and talk about fashion—mostly Magnus, of course, but Alec was there too. I couldn't care less, though. Jace and Will would just sit on my floor and talk to one another. I tried to listen, but I couldn't. Now only Jace and Will visited me.

I glanced at the clock from my spot on the bed. Classes had just been let out, and according to the past two months, that meant Jace and Will would be heading my way at this very moment. I continued to stare at the wall, trying to force myself to feel something, anything. But there was only a dull ache in the back of my head from the effort.

Giving up on my endeavors, I laid down on my bed. The door opened right after my head hit the pillow, and I felt two bodies settle next to mine on the bed. I sat back up and stared at Will and Jace. "Well I suppose this is improvement." Jace muttered under his breath, probably assuming that I was blocking him out.

Will rolled his eyes at Jace. "Isn't that what we want?"

"I don't know. Do we actually want to hear what she has to say?"

They have had this conversation every day since we got back from New York. Usually I didn't care to listen, but for some reason I couldn't help but listen this time. Will stared at Jace for a moment. "Well, considering she hasn't spoken to anyone for two months, yeah, we do want to hear what she has to say."

Jace mumbled something incoherently, and finally I had had enough. "It'd be nice if you involved me in this conversation. Thanks." I snapped irritably. Both of their heads whipped towards me, and they stared at me in shock. I huffed in annoyance. "Stop staring at me."

Will, being the first of the two of them to respond, smiled softly. "Clary," he sighed as if he hadn't seen me in years. "Everyone will be so happy to know you're back." He began to ramble on about how everyone had missed me and some more things that I couldn't be bothered in which to listen. All I could concentrate on was the scowl placed firmly on Jace's lips.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked, interrupting Will.

Jace glared at me with his hands curled into fists. "I try so hard not to get angry with you, Clary. I understand you've been through a lot. And I'm saying this because you don't want to know what's wrong with me, so it doesn't matter."

"It does matter. Tell me what's wrong." I ordered impatiently.

"How like you to try to order me about when you haven't spoken to me in two months." Jace growled venomously. "Actually, this whole situation is pretty like you. The first words out of your lips happen to be an order. Will may be patient and kind enough to let that slide by, but you have no right to act like this after you deserted us for two months. So, no, screw you. I'm not telling you anything."

"Jace!" Will exclaimed in surprise. I didn't flinch at his words, though. He was right, of course, but my pride was on the line, seeing as how I had almost none left from the trip to New York.

I rolled my eyes at him and stood up, stalking to the door and throwing it open. "How like you to not even be understanding. You didn't just find out that your dad cheated on your mom or that your best friend was actually your sister. But why would you try to sympathize because that would be too considerate?!"

"That's because my parents are dead. I'm not going to feel bad for you just because shit has happened to you, Clary. I never even met my goddamn mom, and you're sitting here feeling sorry for yourself because your mom got cheated on? You're acting like a spoiled brat." Jace responded immediately, standing up with me. "And what are you going to do? Run away like you do with everything else? Maybe you wouldn't be such a mess if you would just face your problems."

This time I did flinch at his words. "Get out." I muttered dangerously. "Get the hell out of my room and don't come back. You're an asshole, Jace. That's all you'll ever be. I'm sure Kaelie doesn't mind, though. She's probably naked in your room waiting for you."

He laughed condescendingly as he stood in front of me and stared down at me. "Gladly. She's worth more of my time than you are." Then he stalked out of my room without another glance back.

"I heard Clary's out of her weird living dead coma." Jessamine said from across Kaelie in the cafeteria. Jessamine rubbed a piece of spinach in some leftover ranch dressing and shoved the food in her mouth.

Kaelie wrinkled her nose in disgust at Jessamine before stabbing a crouton with her fork. "I don't care." Kaelie glanced around the cafeteria, taking a mental count of her old friends. They were all huddled together in a corner, and now the rejects Simon and Maia had joined with them. Kaelie and Jessamine had been kicked out and those freaks took their spots.

Will had his head in his hands, and he was ignoring the others, and Jace seemed nowhere to be found. He was probably with that red-haired bitch. Kaelie huffed in aggravation and slammed her hand down. "It doesn't matter anyways. I found out why Clary's here." Jessamine's mouth dropped open in surprise, revealing half-chewed food. "Close your mouth. You look like a floundering fish."

"How did you find out? Her files were nearly empty." Jessamine swallowed her food quickly, eyes bugging out of her head at the news.

Kaelie smiled wickedly, her blue eyes lighting up with malice. "I had a friend's help."

Jessamine cocked her head to the side. "Oh, yeah. Duh… Wait, who?"

"Sebastian, you idiot. He went to New York with all of them, and he managed to find out what happened. It's quite the surprise, actually. I'm sure everyone will be thrilled to hear the story."

"Don't we need to plan this out, though? Make this hell for Clary?" Jessamine asked, and for once making sense to Kaelie.

Kaelie waved away Jessamine's concerns. "Trust me. I have this all planned out."

Jessamine clapped gleefully. "Well, what are you waiting for? Tell me!"

"You'll just have to wait. I have the first thing planned out already."

"When are you going to bust her out to everybody?" Jessamine asked impatiently.

"Right before prom. They're having it in March, so that gives us two solid months of torture time." Kaelie laughed and tossed her fork down. "Clary has no idea what's coming."

"Clary," Will whispered in the darkness. Clary stared past him with her arms wrapped around her legs and her head resting on her knees. He tried again, "Clary." She didn't respond to his words. "Dammit, Clary, I don't agree with Jace often, but if you do this to me again, I'll be forced to—"

"Forced to think I'm worthless?! It's all right. It seems everyone thinks so." Clary questioned, swiveling her eyes to focus on Will.

Will swallowed quickly. "I just think that this is getting old."

"What is getting old?"

"You and Jace. You fight, you ignore each other for however long, you scream at each other, and then you two are fine. You might as well go find him. Waiting on the two of you to make up gets tiring."

Clary stood up. "I have nothing to say to him. I'm going back to my room. Tell Tessa and Jem I said hi."

Will considered chasing after her, but the two of them continued to seem like a lost cause, and he decided against it when the door snapped shut behind her.

Immediately Clary headed back to her room, but she stopped quickly when she noticed an object and a note taped to her door. She raced to the door and stared in fear. A small, premature baby diaper was pinned to the door with a note attached to it. A small whimper escaped Clary as she ripped it down. The note fluttered to the floor, and even from her position far above it, she could read the spiraling letters. I know about the baby.

The words would've been harmless, but combined with the appearance of the diaper, Clary knew they weren't. It was obvious who it was. Kaelie and Jessamine had somehow found out what happened. Clary held the tiny diaper between her thumb and index finger, like the diaper contained an incurable plague.

"Clary!" Clary jumped at the sound of the voice and shoved the diaper behind her back, throwing a fake smile toward Sebastian.

"When did you start going out again?" he asked casually, eyeing her hand behind her back.

"Just today. I need to go." She backed up against her door and spun around, careful to keep the diaper hidden.

"What is that you're holding?" he took another jab at conversation.

Clary, sick of his nosiness, shoved the diaper under her shirt and tucked her shirt in. "I'm not holding anything, Sebastian." She raised her hands as if to prove she wasn't lying and typed in the code to get into her room. When the door opened, she turned back to Sebastian. "If you don't mind, I've had quite a day, so I need some rest before class tomorrow." Then she slid into her room and slammed her door for effect. In her haste to get away, she didn't notice the award-winning smile planted on Sebastian's face.

"I can't believe you!" Isabelle screamed angrily. Her attitude had been born mostly out of disbelief, but after an hour of arguing, she had finally gotten to a point where she was past even caring. "I swear to god if you really said that…" she trailed off as Simon snickered from behind her, lost in the depths of the incredibly soft couches in the common room.

"What can't you believe? He acted like a dick and said things that no man should say to a lady he has feelings for." Magnus commented matter-of-factly from the sidelines of the raging MMA fight in the center of the room.

"I don't have feelings for her!" Jace snapped, his eyes flashing as he turned to face Magnus.

Magnus held his jewelry adorned hands up in mock defeat.

"Of course you don't. You just stare at her and watch her every move and follow her like a little lost puppy dog." Alec tossed in his two-cents, taking the attention away from his boyfriend.

Jace's eyes landed on Alec harshly. "Who are you to talk about feelings? You kept yours hidden from him for a good while." Jace accused as he pointed at the couple.

"There's a difference between them, though." Isabelle spat, jabbing her finger in Jace's chest.

"Oh, really? And what's that?" Jace snapped immediately. Isabelle and Jace resembled that of animals fighting ferociously. Jace was the large, leader-of-the-pack lion and Isabelle was the sneaky, cunning panther. The two of them circled each other as they waited for the other to pounce.

Isabelle took the leap. "Because they're together, you jackass! Alec stopped being a loner and admitted his feelings to Magnus, and guess what! Low and behold, they're actually happy. What a shocker?! Oh, and another thing, I'm pretty sure they don't hurl insults at each other every time one of them is being difficult."

"Neither one of them shut everyone out for two months, either. Clary is being selfish and unfair. I don't see how I need to protect her feelings. Everyone else is doing enough of as it is."

Impatient with how the argument was panning out, Maia finally spoke up, "Look, Jace, I don't really like you… I mean, I like you more now than I did when I didn't know you, but you're obviously being hardheaded as shit. Yeah, Clary might be acting a bit like a whiny bitch, but cut her some slack. It'd be different if the only thing she found out was that her parents were getting divorced, but it's not. Her dad cheated on her mom with her best friend's mom and said best friend is actually her sister. And her brother is suddenly fully committed back into her life? I think she's handling it decently under the circumstances." Everyone stared at Maia in surprise. "What? I'm just saying that Jace is being an ass."

Jordan rubbed her shoulders soothingly while Isabelle flailed her arms out toward Maia. "See, even Clary-hating Maia thinks you're in the wrong!"

"I don't hate her. I was misinformed." Maia interjected with a flourish of her hand. "You guys aren't so bad."

"Oh, thanks. That just warms the cackles of my heart." Jace replied snidely with his hand pressed against his chest.

"Shut it, Jace." Isabelle ordered, annoyance seeping back into her tone. "I don't know what crawled up your ass today and made you this moody, but you better fix it because I'm sure Will is with Clary right now—"

"Probably shacking up with the love of your life." Jordan interrupted with a quick wink. Maia smacked the back of his head, but no one disagreed with him.

"I wouldn't say shacking up, per se, but probably heading in that direction." Magnus added with a purse of his lips.

"Oh, wow, that's quite the pep talk, guys." Alec said sarcastically.

"Well someone has to say it. I, personally, am sick of this bullshit, back and forth, love triangle thing the three of you have going on. You fight, you make up, you fight with Will, you make up, you fight with Clary, and you make up. Quite honestly, it's nauseating, and I wish one of you would just seal the deal." Simon finally put his point of view in, and everyone nodded along vigorously.

Jace flung himself down in a lounge chair, suddenly looking very exhausted. The bags that lived under his eyes spoke of many restless nights, and his pale skin resembled nothing of the once sunkissed pallor he had before. "So what am I supposed to do? Just walk up and kiss her?"

Isabelle shrugged after joining Simon on the couch. "I assume it couldn't do more damage than you talking does. I'm sure that would at least let her know that you really don't think that Kaelie is worth more than she is."

Alec face-palmed at her words. "I still can't believe you compared her to Kaelie. What were you thinking?"

Maia snickered this time. "Obviously he wasn't."

"Oh, hardy har har." Jace faked a laugh and grimaced at them. "I haven't been able to sleep, afraid that Clary was going to have a breakdown in the middle of the night. I can't even tell you the last time I slept in my own room since we got back. I've slept outside of Clary's room or in her room just because I'm afraid she might be sick like she was in New York. I mean, has she eaten much of anything since we've been back? Let me answer that for you guys. No. She'll eat a couple things Will and I bring for her, but only for our benefit. It's like she doesn't even need to eat anymore. And don't even get me started on her nightmares. Even when I do get sleep at night, I get woken up by her screaming at night… I'm just agitated that I can't do anything for her, and it seems to get worse every time I see her. Then she's finally talking today, and it's like Will and I are in the wrong for not acknowledging the fact that she might be "stable." Yeah, okay. Because everybody who goes two months without talking, barely eating, barely sleeping, and barely moving just suddenly is better? No."

Everyone exchanged glances. "Maybe you should go say all that to her instead of hiding behind your pretend anger." Alec suggested.

Jace barged into her rooms so quickly and so unexpectedly that Clary didn't even have time to hide the tiny diaper. "Clary I have something to say to you, and I won't be able to figure us out without saying it now." Jace said the words hurriedly, but the end of his sentence died on his lips when he saw Clary huddled in the corner of her bed, sobbing endlessly. "Clary, what—what's wrong?"

Clary couldn't think and she could barely breathe. She clutched the diaper in her hand and rocked back against the wall. Jace slid into her bed with her, a frown already creasing his forehead. He leaned against her shoulder as she cried, listening to the way her breathing hitched each time another whimper escaped her. That's when he noticed the diaper wrapped so tightly in her hand that it barely resembled a diaper. He attempted to wrestle it from her grip, but she only sobbed louder.

"Clary, what's wrong? What happened?" Jace fumbled for words, for comfort. He couldn't figure out why the diaper of a baby doll could elicit this type of reaction from her, but he didn't question it. Instead, he embraced it, satisfied that Clary was no longer the emotionless, catatonic zombie she had been over the past two months.

She didn't say anything, but she shook her head back and forth in an attempt to stifle her tears. They flowed faster, though, and she could only hiccup as she rubbed her empty hand across her face. The action didn't really do anything. Her face was still soaked and salty, and the tears continued to flow freely.

So, despite needing to get his feelings off his chest, Jace sucked it up, and pulled Clary into his chest, allowing her to soak his chest as he stroked her hair and mumbled pointless reassurances to her even though he had no idea of what he was reassuring her.

Gleefully—and selfishly—Jace realized that his friends were wrong about Clary and Will. Will hadn't made any more progress with Clary today than Jace had, and now Jace was in a far more secure position in regards to his and Clary's relationship. He had said some really crappy things to her, and she to him, but it seemed like no matter what happened, they continued to find each other every time they needed to.

Clary began to quiet down, and her sobs became more whispers than anything. Jace's shirt was now soaked, but Clary's face had dried and had the remnants of her tears down her cheeks. Clary had fallen asleep crying on Jace's chest, and Jace took that opportunity to loosen her grip and pull the diaper out of her hand. He inspected it with great caution, being sure not to harm or disrupt it in any way, but he couldn't figure out why it had had such an emotional toll on Clary.

As he inspected it, he noticed that underneath Kaelie's bed, on the opposite side of the room, there was a whole pack of them nestled in one of the green packages they were sold in at stores. Jace set the diaper down, deciding he'd investigate the incident further later on when a sleepy Clary wasn't passed out on his chest. It seemed like this Clary was going to be way more interesting than the Clary that had arrived at the institute months ago.

But that thought only rested in his mind for a moment because Jace found himself drifting off to sleep along with Clary. Losing two months of a full night's sleep seemed to do that to you, and soon the two were both passed out with nothing to show for the day except for tear tracks and a crumpled diaper.

I really hope I still have people reading my story even though I've been total crap with updating. I decided I'd let you read the chapter before I attempted to explain myself. I meant to update Tuesday but this week has been hectic and just bad. For a while, I literally couldn't because my hard drive on my THREE MONTH OLD computer failed. Thanks Hewlett Packard. Then I finally got the new one in the mail and yada yada ya... I was just so upset because I literally had to redo EVERYTHING on my computer. I couldn't even salvage my documents... so yeah. But I'm better now, and less stressed :D I will be updating the Tuesday after next and we will get back on schedule.

In all honesty, the story is close to over. I'm estimating maybe 10-12 chapters left, maybe less. Then I will dedicate all my time to finishing TLIAK, and writing the sequel to BMP. But I've got a serious question to ask... How many of you have a twitter? And if you have a twitter, do you use it often? I'm considering making a twitter account for my writing that way you can all follow my writing account and I can update you on my life, possible late updates, give you little quotes from future chapters or even new and upcoming stories... If I did that would you follow me and enjoy postings in the life of me? I wouldn't want to make one if it won't do anything for you guys. I really want to do something that will at least connect me with you guys on at least an every other day basis or something, so you know I'm not dead if I'm not updating... you know? I don't know if that made any sense, but if you have any questions just ask in a review or PM me!

Oh, and last chapter barely got any reviews, and I was really sad about that... so could you pretty please leave a review for me? It would make my week 500x better :D Peace out girl scouts!