AN: Hopefully this isn't too much of a disappointment. The Sakura scene here was originally part of the last chapter but the length didn't work, so this may seem a little unstructured.

Hokage-sensei

Chapter Twenty-one: Stupid

As Sakura had approached the gate to their home that night, she had gotten her wish. Finally, she had experienced the sight of her new life and her new home with an arm around her that loved her.

Of course, it wasn't quite how she would have hoped, as the love that he had for her was that of a brother and over the course of the night the pair of them had become so intoxicated that his hold on her was merely an attempt to keep them both upright. That was hardly the point.

She'd had a night of freedom with her friends and yes, she had let it get to her head. By the time she'd tripped her way over the doorstep to the Hatake residence, she was quite certain half the neighbourhood knew what state she'd returned home in.

"Don't let sensei see you!" Naruto urged her with a laugh in the most unsuccessful whisper he'd ever managed.

"Stupid!" She giggled as she pushed his hand away from her waist. "We share a bed... he'd have to be blind!"

"Ewwwwwwwwwww!" he whined.

"Go home Naruto."

"Why?"

She put a finger on his forehead to confuse him. "If you don't do it now, you'll pass out somewhere bad."

"Yeah yeah ... g'night Sakura!"

"Shhh! I'll see you later." She pushed him out the door and shut it to prevent him hanging around any longer.

Once the sound of her friend's terrible drunken singing faded out of her range of hearing she took a deep breath and silence began to draw in around her.

Her smile faded as she turned away from the door and stared down the dark corridor of their home. It was in these moments of stillness, despite inebriation and stress and everything else, that realisations dawned on her.

It was a broken record that had skipped all night long, every time the distractions of the night detached themselves, from the moment Shikamaru had left her alone. What they had discussed, and the look of loss on his face, sent her mind along the track it had been struggling to get onto for weeks.

He was in love with her... real, true love that he couldn't do a thing about, and for him the agony of not knowing was too much for him to bear. Shikamaru had given up everything to save himself from frustration. For all Sakura could tell, Tenten could have felt the same but despite her guileless nature she was impossible to read.

The parallels were terrifying. Every time she thought of Shikamaru's expression as he stared into space, all she saw was Kakashi. Was that how they were too? Was that the expression Kakashi had when she wasn't looking?

For Shikamaru and Tenten, putting up pretence was the beginning of the end, and it was that which inevitably pulled them apart. Sakura knew that the same thing could so easily happen to her, and that the public face of their relationship was a barrier that would stop anything progressing naturally... and it scared her.

Somewhere between that last cigarette on the edge of the rooftop and the last drunken dance before Naruto dragged her home, she had reached an odd sense of clarity. This wasn't fair.

Athough she would never be able to find the words to tell him, it meant the world to her to finally be with someone who cared as much about her as she did them, no matter what stupid mixed up plan started it. She no longer cared that it only started as a result of an order.

She didn't care if it was real or not, but she did really care that he shouldn't ever feel the way Shikamaru did. She cared that he shouldn't feel alone.

It wasn't complete yet, this puzzle of theirs, and she didn't know yet what she thought about the result but for now she would keep working on it. He deserved at least that much from her, and she deserved it from herself.

Shaking off the thoughts, she stumbled her way towards the bedroom, palms flat against the walls as she went like she needed to hold them still. She found the door wide open, Kakashi sprawled across the entire bed diagonally, bed sheets kicked to one side lazily. Despite all of Naruto's best efforts he was incredibly still asleep, so he didn't so much as twitch when she kicked her shoes across the floor.

Smiling, she pulled out her hair and changed her dress for an oversized t-shirt, running a blurry eye over his sleeping face with no inhibitions whatsoever. Without another thought she collapsed onto the bed beside him, resting her head comfortably against his chest, her throbbing ears barely registering the slow rhythmic sound of his heartbeat.

An arm dragged over his waist, she sank into the warmth of him as one final thought echoed her into sleep. This, I can cope with.

Having waited around for longer than he would normally would at a party with Ino present, Shikamaru began to wonder why he hadn't seen Tenten all night. He couldn't imagine that she'd gotten so panicked about what to wear that she'd decided not to come, so his best assumption was that she was avoiding him.

With a headache developing from the annoyingly loud music, and his feet tiring from the effort of slowly circling the area in hope of finding her, he was close to giving up when he found his patience thinnest in front of the one person he would least like to speak to. Not that it mattered much, not now anyway.

"Hey Ino." He sighed heavily, resigning himself to whatever she was going to do as she sauntered over.

"So, I'm prepared to forgive you completely for being so much of a tease." She smiled, hooking an arm around his with a kiss to his cheek. "Shall we go somewhere private?"

"What?" he frowned at her. Unimpressed, he folded his arms and stood solid, with no intention of letting her drag him anywhere.

"Well now that silly thing with Tenten is all over and done with, there's no reason why we shouldn't..."

"Over...?"

"Yeah. If you ask me you're both better off. She said to say 'thanks' by the way, though I don't really know why. I suppose it could be for the self-esteem boost your little prank gave her, since she did look very pretty earlier."

Deathly serious, he grabbed her by both shoulders like a petulant child and forced her to stand an arm's length away from him. "She was here?"

"Yeah, while you were talking to Sakura about me." She traced a hand up along his outstretched arm in an effort to soften him. "Took one look at your smiling face and wished us the best, isn't that sweet of her?"

He'd heard the rumour that they had broken up, but had worked diligently to make sure not to claim one way or another all night. He wouldn't say a thing until he'd talked to her. That alone wasn't too hard, but hearing that she had gotten up the courage to come alone and had obviously gotten the crazy side of the rumour from Ino was nearly heartbreaking. Did she really not care? Had she really wished Ino the best, and had stepped out of this drama he'd put her into?

He pulled his arm away from Ino with a scowl. "You need to grow up and snap out of it right now! I am not interested in you, and I never have been. I am certainly not going to suddenly change my mind after everything Tenten and I have been through. Clinging onto me like an idiot is just embarrassing Ino and you really need to pack it in."

He stormed away from her in anger, too worried for Tenten to exercise restraint. Even if their relationship was truly at an end, it didn't stop him caring for her, and after the last time Ino had upset her he needed to make sure.

As he'd been unable to find Tenten amongst the crowds, he assumed that she'd gone home for the night and made his way there right away. What he never expected to find was her apartment door, left unlocked as usual (seen as she refused to give him keys), but with a note pinned to it with one of her senbon. By the neat, even handwriting, it was obvious to him that it had to be written by Neji:

"She cried."

Simple but effective. Shikamaru barely let the thought register before a sick feeling rushed through him and he stepped into the apartment without delay.

He found her in the bedroom, sleeping with her head resting on the bed as she slumped in a huddle on the floor. Her cheeks were no longer damp, but were stained a light grey where her mascara had run. Her hair lay in soft curls over her shoulders, framing her face in a way he'd never seen.

He was surprised to find that, despite the range of yukata she had been picking over earlier (which for the women of fire country were as much a part of life as a kunoichi's uniform), she was wearing a dress. Astonishingly, it was a light chiffon dress of the kind of grace he, or anyone else, never expected Tenten to pull off.

What Ino had said was right, that she had looked pretty, even dishevelled by emotion, though he knew it was nothing to do with a confidence boost from their fling. She had an energy that appealed to the core, even if only to him, and this was only amplified by the image of her displaying her true femininity in fabric he could only describe as being his absolute favourite colour (or if he was unsure before, it was certainly his favourite now).

So trapped in awe he was, that he completely failed to notice when her eyes fluttered open and noticed him there.

"Shikamaru?" Her voice cracked gently, still hoarse from the sobs she'd let out once she'd been left alone in her room earlier.

He looked up from her body to make eye contact, but couldn't manage to say a word.

She sat up straight as she realised she wasn't imagining him and began trying to tie her hair back quickly. "I'm sorry, I was tired. Did Neji go home?"

"Y-Yeah."

"Excuse me, I'm such a state." She muttered, flustered as she stood up and tried to pull a throw from her bed over her dress so that he couldn't see. "I suppose you've come to get your things."

"No, that wasn't-"

"Well I can't imagine what else you'd be here for."

His heart sunk, leaving him to feel completely alien. "I'm sorry. Yes, I suppose that was it..."

He felt suddenly like he was an unwanted presence in the room, the harsh tones of her voice cutting like sharper blades than any of her mastered weapons. He'd hurt her, obviously, and that made him feel sick.

She turned away from him, avoiding eye contact as she struggled to her feet. "What happened? Things were so good."

As much as he wanted to assist her, it wasn't his place anymore. The most he could offer was his sincere apology, "I'm sorry Sempai. It's just not fair."

"What's not fair?"

"Well, you're so nice to me, putting up with Ino and spending all this time with me and..." he glanced down, "Obviously trying so hard to make me feel better... It's no wonder I like you the way I do. I don't even know how you knew that dress was a colour I find beautiful, but you see it's not right that you should be doing things for me when you deserve so much more, some one more.

"I'm the one supposed to be taking care of you, and I don't even understand why you were crying. You deserve to be with the one you love; with Neji."

She shook her head in disbelief, still refusing to look at him. "I don't... I don't love Neji, I don't know what colours you like or dislike, I don't try hard to make you feel better, and most importantly, I don't deserve more."

"That doesn't mean you have to put up with me. I don't want to hurt you."

"No, that doesn't. The reasons I have to keep you around are so much more substantial."

"You can always ask Ino to help with your bandages, or Sakura, and you're nearly recovered now."

"I don't want... fuck Shikamaru, can't you see I can't be strong anymore..." she began to tear up again, her voice increasingly weak.

He went to put a hand on her shoulder for comfort, but stopped himself. He reminded himself just how stupid he was to let this linger longer than it needed to. The way he felt needed distancing from her, and the way she was now was even more justification for that point; She was too weak for him to lose his strength, and she needed him as a friend.

"You are always strong."

"No. No I'm not... I can't bear to think of dealing with things on my own anymore, and I can't hold myself together when someone says hurtful things, and my ribs are hurting so badly it feels like my chest is imploding and I can barely breathe for the pain." Her legs went weak beneath her once again, and she let herself kneel back down, taking shallow breaths as she did so.

"Perhaps you should take another painkiller if the pain is that bad."

"No. I can't take them."

He noted how she was physically shaking, her nerves taking an obvious hit from the pain she was in. This wasn't an emotional problem anymore and his instinct forced him to give in, kneeling down beside her and holding her trembling hands between his own for support.

"What do you mean you can't take them?"

"I thought they were making me slow, that they were making me..."

"You stopped taking them altogether? Are you mad?"

"Yes!" she gasped as the pain from her ribs sunk through her. "Yes, I'm completely insane. There's something wrong with my brain and it's making me act like I'm stupid."

"Stupid..." he whispered, thinking back to what Sakura had told him. She had been right, that Tenten could have told him without him even realising what it meant, but there was only one thought registering in his mind.

She burst into tears again, clutching onto her chest. "It doesn't work."

"You still think you're stupid?"

"I hate you. It's your fault"

"Good..."

She looked up at him, bewilderment in her eyes.

He took a deep sigh, "... because I guess it's your fault that I'm stupid too."

"You..." Tenten struggled to think through the convulsions she was feeling in her body, "You've been spending the last ten minutes trying to break up with me and you feel exactly the same way? Then why the hell am I crying and everyone else seems to be convinced that we've broken up?"

"I'm not trying to break up with you... not if it's real." He traced a finger through her loose hair, letting go of the hands as she began to calm a little. "I just want this stupid pretence to stop. It's me and you, and that's no one else's business. Got it?"

"I really hate you." She smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... Just be glad you're so clever, because I'm about to get very... very stupid."

He pulled her into a hug, never wanting to let go as she rested her head against his shoulder, and he wrapped the throw blanket around her more fully. Her shaky limbs lay their weight onto him with absolute trust and he began to process that she wasn't going to leave him.

A wave of contentment began to settle around them both... up until the horrible moment that he felt her relax. The tight grip she'd had on the fabric of his clothing loosened as her head rolled across his shoulder to rest in the crook of his neck. This wasn't right and he knew it, reaching down to feel her pulse quicken unhealthily while he tried to restrain himself from panic. How long has she not been taking those painkillers?

"Tenpai..." he urged, hoping she wasn't fully unconscious. "Come on, please don't do this to me...

AN: I can't apologize enough for how long this has taken, for something that effectively just needed a few grammar tweaks and typing up. Life has been taking a little too much time out of my schedule over the past few months but I'm back into my pit of no hope now so I'm writing again for a little while. My family have a lot of personal issues going on at the moment so I can't guarantee another update soon, but keep hoping.

Stay shiny and show the luff

XX Belizma-chan XX