Author's notes: As always, thank you guys for reading and giving me your feedback! You guys are amazing, seriously, and if I could put a heart right here I totally would, but I can't. :(
So, I've been putting off writing this chapter for a while, mostly because I wanted my fic to be happy up until this point and this is kind of where it all starts going downhill. So, I apologize for disturbing the happy!
I also apologize for any triggers there may be in this chapter. I'll put a list of anything and everything I think may be a trigger in the warning list; though, I'm going to try and not get too graphic with anything that I write in here 'cause I know I hate being triggered by fics that do that with certain things.
Also - the parts in italics are a character's point of view (I did it to help with the plot/understanding).
Characters: Kendall, Carlos, Camille, Logan, Gustavo, James, Brooke Diamond.
Honorable mentions: Jo, Christopher, and Jennifer.
Warnings: underage drinking, character death, car accident, funeral.
The next week passes in a complete and total fucking blur for Kendall; before he knows it, Friday has come and he's standing in the kitchen, watching his friends move around the backyard. He takes a sip of his beer and watches Carlos and Logan roughhouse with one another, rolling around on the grass while Camille watches, her head thrown back as she laughs; Kendall smiles and drains the rest of his beer before setting the empty bottle on the counter.
Turning on his heels, Kendall goes to the fridge and grabs another beer from the fully-stocked shelves, twisting the cap off quickly before heading back to the door, pushing it open. He steps outside and takes a long pull from his bottle, letting his lips seal around it perfectly before pulling away, making a suctioning sound as the glass eases away from his mouth. With a heavy sigh, Kendall moves across the lawn and slides a hand into his pocket, laughing at Logan and Carlos, shaking his head slowly.
He moves away from the wrestling and joins Gustavo by the grill, nodding his head slowly when the older man opens it, revealing a line of burgers, ribs, and hot dogs. Laughing, Kendall nudges Gustavo's arm with his shoulder and takes another sip of beer, nearly spitting it out when he hears Camille squeal, the high pitched noise ringing out for a good three seconds before it stops.
"What was that for?" Kendall asks, turning to glare at Camille, raising an eyebrow expectantly.
"Sorry, sorry! I thought Carlos' knee jabbed into Logan's crotch, sorry." She blushes and chews on her lower lip, listening to all four men around her laugh. "I'm just worried about my boyfriend, okay?"
Kendall nods and smirks. "Yeah, you're worried about the family jewels," he mutters, lifting his beer to his lips again.
"That too," Camille admits, chewing on her lip harder, her cheeks completely red.
"She has every right to be worried about them," Logan says, rolling off Carlos and onto the grass, leaning back on his elbows as he throws a glance at Kendall, frowning. "Didn't bring any for the rest of us?"
Pulling the bottle away from his lips, Kendall shakes his head and swallows, grinning proudly.
"That's rude," Carlos comments, pushing himself to his feet, wiping his hands against his jeans.
"Haven't you learned by now that I'm not nice?" Grinning more, Kendall holds his beer out to Carlos, who takes it when he turns around, giving his boyfriend a thankful smile. "Besides, you guys have legs, don't you? House is right there," he says, making a vague motion toward the back of the house, grinning when Logan flips him off.
Carlos hands the beer back after taking a long sip and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "We're gonna eat inside anyway, right? It's starting to get dark and I don't want to eat in the dark," he says, glaring at Gustavo when he laughs. "And didn't you say that you got fireworks, Gustavo?"
"Yeah, we'll light 'em when it gets dark enough," Gustavo says, flipping a couple of burgers before shutting the top of the grill, turning to look at Kendall, who's raising a brow at him. "What's that look for?"
"Fireworks, Gustavo? Really?"
Gustavo spreads his hands helplessly and then points at Logan. "He suggested it and I rolled with it because, what's a backyard barbecue without fireworks? Plus, we didn't light any on the fourth, so I figured - better late than never, eh?"
"Guess so," Kendall says, laughing, "just don't light anything on fire, okay? I don't want the fire department to be called, because they'll see all of us underage kids drinking and call Carlos' dad to come arrest all of us."
Snorting, Carlos puts his hands on his hips and stares at Kendall. "My father wouldn't arrest us," he says, sticking his tongue out at Kendall when he rolls his eyes. "He'd find a way to go around the law."
"That would lose him his job," Kendall points out, tipping the neck of his bottle toward Carlos.
"He's done it plenty of times for us," Logan says as he stands up, wiping the back of his pants off. "I mean, when your kid and his best friend smoke pot in public and your partner catches them, what else are you supposed to do - let them get arrested?"
Kendall considers this for a moment and nods. "Guess you're right," he says, chuckling quietly. "If you two were put in jail, how else would I have met Carlos?"
They all laugh at that and Kendall watches Carlos and Logan start to wrestle again, both of them ending up in the grass again, rolling around in it. He watches them for another moment and then turns to look at Gustavo, who's already plated the food and is shutting the grill off.
"Grab a plate, will ya?" Gustavo asks, nodding his head toward the plate of burgers.
Nodding his head, Kendall grabs it and turns, heading back toward the house. "Dinner's ready," he calls out, hearing everyone exclaim and laugh behind him. They get into the house mere moments before everyone starts digging in, piling their plates high and taking a seat at the table.
Each of them drink beer and they talk in between bites, mostly about the party they threw a few days ago and how Kendall punched Sam in the face. When they talk about that, Kendall ducks his head and finishes his ribs, tossing the bone onto his plate, sighing heavily. He looks down at his hand and flexes it slowly, feeling a dull ache in his knuckles from the party and he swallows thickly, sighing again.
It's completely dark by the time they finish eating and everyone moves outside, carrying beer and blankets out; they lay the blankets out and Kendall sits down on one with Carlos, wrapping both arms around him. They watch as Gustavo walks a few yards away, setting the first firework display down before lighting the fuse on fire.
When it's lit, Gustavo makes his way back to the group, standing next to the blanket that Carlos and Kendall are sitting on, all five of them giggling as they watch the fire creep up the fuse. The giggling gets worse when the fireworks explode and they all tip their heads back, watching as brilliant blues and reds and greens burst against the night sky.
Gustavo waits a few minutes after the first one's done before going to light another, stepping back with his friends, laughing when the fireworks explode, making a high pitched squealing noise as they spiral into the air, bursting against the sky like the previous one. It's fun and simple, just like Kendall wanted it to be, and he nuzzles his face against the side of Carlos' neck while Gustavo goes to light another, laughing against his skin.
After ten rounds of fireworks, they take a break and sit around, drinking beer and telling stories about when they were younger; Carlos and Logan expertly avoid the paste story, even when Kendall and Camille beg them to retell it. They change the subject by asking Kendall and Camille questions in rapid succession, making them all laugh when the two of them get frazzled and stumble over their words.
"I have a question," Logan says after they all calm down from giggling. "For Camille," he adds, pulling her tightly against him.
"Ask away," she mumbles, playing with his fingertips as she leans her head back against his shoulder.
Licking his lips, Logan nods and chuckles. "Do you ever want to get married and, if so, at what age?"
"I do want to get married," Camille answers - almost immediately - before adding, "and whenever I feel like I'm ready. If that's when I turn eighteen, then it's when I turn eighteen. If I don't feel that way until I'm fifty... well, then, I feel sorry for whoever's chasing after me then."
"What about you, Kendall?" Carlos asks, nudging his head against his boyfriend's jaw.
Kendall hums and shrugs, laying his head against Carlos'. "I do want to get married, but not until I'm done with college or I've got a steady career."
"I'd like to get married one day," Carlos murmurs, running a hand up Kendall's forearm slowly.
They all hum in agreement and fall silent for a while; no one speaks until Kendall and Carlos move to lay on their sides, foreheads pressed together and limbs a tangled mess on the blankets. Gustavo, Logan, and Camille all start talking quietly, their voices mixing with the sounds of the night and the cars passing by; Carlos and Kendall listen to their friends talk as they hold onto each other, both of them dozing off.
Everyone loses track of time and they all end up falling asleep on their blankets, sleeping a few yards away from the house. The night is quiet around them and Kendall stays asleep for a while until his phone buzzes in his pocket; he groans and fishes it out of his jeans, blinking rapidly before squinting his eyes at the bright screen. Tapping the screen, he brings up a message from James that says to meet him out front in five minutes.
Kendall locks his phone and puts it away, kissing Carlos' lips softly before moving away from him, rolling off of the blanket and onto the grass, laying on his stomach for a moment. He pushes himself up and starts moving toward the house, staggering a bit but not falling once as he goes inside, flicking the light on quickly. His eyes protest to the brightness and he closes them for a second, standing in the middle of the kitchen with his hands cupped over his eyes.
When he thinks his eyes are adjusted, Kendall pulls his hands away and blinks slowly, looking around the room, yawning quietly as he moves a hand through his hair, scratching the back of his head lightly. He sighs and moves through the kitchen, bumping into things and knocking his hip against the edge of the counter, cursing loudly as he makes his way into the foyer. With another yawn, Kendall moves toward the door and grabs a hoodie from the rack, slipping it on quickly; it's too big for him and the ends hang off the ends of his hands, just the way he likes it.
Stepping out onto the porch, Kendall curls the ends of the sleeves around his fingers and balls the extra fabric in his palms as he goes down the porch steps, glancing down the road quickly. He catches a glimpse of headlights and swallows thickly, moving down the concrete walkway and onto the driveway, making his way toward the road slowly, heart pounding in his chest. He doesn't know what James wants, but he has a feeling that it's not going to be good, worry and anxiety coming to the surface as he stops at the edge of the road.
James' car slows to a stop and Kendall moves out of the way, letting him park in the end of the driveway, biting his lower lip; he watches the lights fade out and he turns, walking up to the driver's side of James' car, leaning against the back door. It takes his ex boyfriend a moment to get out but when he does, he turns to Kendall with a small smile that's gone the second it appears.
"What d'you want? Was sleeping when you texted," Kendall mumbles sleepily.
"Want to talk." James bites his lower lip and lifts a hand, carding it through his hair. "And not argue, please."
Kendall crosses his arms over his chest and nods. "I think can manage that."
"I'm really sorry for everything I've ever done to you. I know that I'm an asshole, okay? So you don't need to remind me for the millionth time," James says, slurring his words like he's drunk but Kendall is too tired - and tipsy himself - to really notice or put two and two together.
"I know you're sorry." Looking down at the ground, Kendall sighs, chewing on the inside of his cheek.
James sniffles and Kendall lifts his gaze at the noise, blinking at his ex. "I had some other stuff to say," he says, voice breaking.
"Okay," Kendall says, moving a hand to the side of James' face, brushing his tears away. "I'm listening."
"You're like, the only person who's shown me love and com - compassion in the past couple of years," James starts, tears streaking down his cheeks, "and I w-w-wanted to say thank you, for that. Even if I treated you bad, I still appreciated it."
Nodding, Kendall smiles softly. "You're welcome."
"And I shouldn't have started shit," James mumbles, screwing his eyes shut. "I should have left it alone because you've always been too good for me... Outta my league, completely."
"That's not true, but thanks for saying it." Kendall chuckles and swallows thickly, not used to seeing James as vulnerable as he is in that moment. He thinks about all the time he's spent with James and realizes that he's never seen the other boy cry, not even once.
James' eyes open and lock on Kendall's, completely out of focus. "S'true, Kendall; you've always been good to me, even when I treated you like sh - shit," he mumbles, voice cracking and breaking more with every word he utters. "Car'os is lucky to have you, lucky like I never was, cause I never had you."
"You did have me," Kendall corrects, cupping James' cheek in his hand. "You just didn't know it, so please don't blame yourself, okay? I could have been more aggressive and shown you that you did deserve me, but I didn't."
"I don't wanna be a asshole anymore." James clenches his jaw and Kendall can feel it underneath his fingers. "I wanna change, be more like you, Kendall."
Kendall laughs and shakes his head slowly. "You don't want to be like me, trust me."
"But I do," James slurs, lifting a hand to run down his face. "You're so nice and everybody loves you."
"Not true; everybody loves you," Kendall whispers, dropping his hand, curling it under his arm again. "I know because I was one of the people that thought you were the most beautiful thing ever."
Sniffling, James shakes his head and lets out a noise that sounds like a broken sob. "That's you," he whispers, the words barely audible but Kendall hears them and stares at James, mouth open. "So beautiful, Kendall."
"Thank you," is all Kendall can manage to squeak out, his mind clogged and hazy with that admission.
"I - can I tell you somethin?" James asks, getting closer to Kendall; he can smell the beer and liquor on his breath.
Kendall nods and swallows again, squeaking out, "Of course you can."
"I love you and think I always have, just been too stupid to see it. To see what I had in frontta me this whole time, so much better than Mercedes and twice as brains," James says, frowning as he closes his eyes, leaning against his car a little with a sigh. "Don't know what m'gonna do," he adds, opening his eyes before settling his gaze on Kendall's.
Taking a deep breath, Kendall shuts his eyes and presses his fists against his eyes, trying to block out the words James had just said, trying to un-hear them or something, but all he can hear is James saying 'I love you' over and over. It makes his stomach twist and knot and he wants to throw up on the ground but keeps it all inside, dropping his hands before flicking his gaze to James, swallowing again.
"You're drunk," he says, nodding as if to confirm that fact. "You should go home, get some sleep, and maybe we'll talk again when you're sober and I'm not asleep on my feet."
James sighs and pushes off the car, nodding. "Go home, kay," he says, licking his lips.
"Let me know when you get there, okay? Be safe."
"Kendall?" James asks, voice soft and innocent, eyes locked on Kendall's.
"Yeah, James?"
Sighing again, James bites his lower lip. "Can I have one last kiss? Just... one more, please?"
As much as he wants to say no, Kendall can't find it in his heart to do it, so he just nods and swallows thickly. He moves into James' space like so many times before and puts both hands on either side of his face, the balled up fabric of his sleeves a barrier between their skin. It feels like every other time before but Kendall's heart isn't speeding up because he's turned on; it's quickening because he feels bad for James and he knows how badly he must be hurting.
Their lips touch one last time and Kendall makes a noise against James' mouth, trying to prolong the kiss as long as he can before the other boy pushes him away gently, both hands on his elbows. When they ease apart, Kendall makes a sobbing noise and buries his face against James' chest, sobbing against it as he pulls his hands out of his sleeves, curling his fingers around the other boy's shirt, clinging to him for a moment.
"Gotta go," James says before pressing a kiss to the top of Kendall's head, keeping them there for a moment before pulling away, wrapping his arms around Kendall one last time. "I love you," he whispers, leaning down to kiss the top of Kendall's head again.
"I loved you," Kendall chokes out, tears streaking down his face as he looks up at James, vision blurry. "I wish things could be different because a part of me still loves you."
James bites his lower lip and blinks his eyes, a few tears rolling off his eyelashes. "Love him," he says, giving Kendall a smile.
"I will." Nodding, Kendall leans up on his toes and presses his lips against James' again, whispering against them, "I'll always love you, don't forget that, okay? Always, James."
"Me too," James whispers back, pushing Kendall away gently. "Goodnight," he says, giving Kendall another smile before getting into his car. He looks at Kendall one last time and waves before backing out, disappearing down the road quickly, leaving the other boy standing in the driveway, sobbing so hard that his shoulders shake.
Even after James is gone, Kendall stands in the same spot, crying with his hands pressed against his face, tears falling against the fabric of his hoodie, getting it wet. He doesn't know how long he stands there, just knows that, in that amount of time, he cries so hard that he throws up on the grass, his entire body shaking so badly that he feels like he's going to fall over.
Somehow, Kendall gets himself inside and he goes to the backyard, shaking Carlos awake; when his boyfriend gets up and asks what's wrong, he explains everything. Carlos wakes everyone up and gets them inside, putting Camille and Logan in one guest room and Gustavo in another, getting Kendall to his bedroom, rubbing his back slowly.
They get into bed and Kendall starts to sob again, his body trembling against Carlos' so bad that it worries the other boy; he asks Kendall several times if he's okay, getting a choked off sob in response. He keeps rubbing his boyfriend's back slowly, listening to him sob until it starts to fade, the noises getting softer until they stop altogether. When they stop, Kendall falls asleep against Carlos' chest, hands curled into fists, the fabric of his shirt caught between his fingers.
Tears blur James' vision and his eyes burn; no matter how much he rubs at them, they won't stop hurting and the tears keep coming, streaming down his face, rolling down his jaw and falling onto his shirt. He doesn't know how fast he's going and he barely sees the stop sign ahead, not paying attention to it as he takes the sharp turn. Tires squeal against the pavement and the car topples a little but goes back to normal as he drives home, sobbing harder than before.
At least he told Kendall how he felt before they went their separate ways and Kendall went off to be some famous rock star or someone who writes music for famous singers. He always liked that about Kendall, how he could write a song easily and he could fit the words against a beat perfectly, making a harmony that could make anyone fall in love with him. Including James.
James never thought he'd fall in love with someone but, in hindsight, he's glad that it was Kendall; Kendall is everything anyone could want in a partner and James was stupid to not see what he had in front of him. He was dumb for waiting so long and letting Kendall slip through his fingers, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe Kendall would be better off without him and he'd be much happier than he ever was with James.
He takes his hands away and rubs his eyes quickly, returning them back to the steering wheel, wrapping his fingers around it tightly, sniffling noisily as he continues speeding down the road. The world moves across his window quickly and James flies through an intersection, making another sobbing noise as he pushes the gas pedal down to the floor, his engine roaring.
His car merges over into the other lane and James lets it, his body not responding to any of the jerky movements or the way he's swerving in and out of the road, car toppling again.
James doesn't notice the car until it collides with his own and the last thing he sees is a pair of headlights; the last thing he hears is the sickening sound of crunching metal, and the last thing he says is Kendall's name before his body is pressed against the steering wheel, pinned between the seat and the dashboard.
The last thought James has is of Kendall and their last kiss; he can feel the other boy's lips brush against his own as his life slips away and he can just hear the faint sound of someone yelling. Everything goes dark and James' body goes still, his breath coming short before stopping completely; his heartbeat follows right behind it.
James Diamond dies at 4:32 AM on a Saturday morning in July.
Kendall wakes up just after ten in the morning to an empty bed and his phone buzzing in his jeans pocket. He waits until it stops and closes his eyes again, rubbing one of them with his knuckle, groaning at the pain in them and in his head. When he drops his hand again and takes a deep breath, fully intent on going back to sleep, his phone buzzes again and he grabs it out of his pocket, blinking his eyes open.
He sees Jo's name flash on the screen and he taps 'answer,' putting the phone against his ear.
"Kendall? Kendall, are you there?" Jo's voice is frantic and it puts Kendall on edge; he nods and grumbles something, turning over onto his back, sighing as he sits up. "Kendall, please say something," she says, and Kendall sighs again.
"I'm up," he answers, running a hand over his head. "What's the matter?"
There's a moment of silence and Kendall's stomach drops before Jo answers, "James is dead, Kendall. He... he's dead."
"No," Kendall says, shaking his head roughly, snapping his eyes shut. "No, he was just here a few hours ago, he can't be.."
"He's dead, Kendall," Jo repeats, her voice breaking and he thinks he can hear her sniffling. "He was in a car accident early this morning."
Swallowing thickly, Kendall opens his eyes and gets off the bed. "No, he's... no," he mumbles, shaking his head.
"Kendall, I'm sorry." Jo's voice breaks more and Kendall bites his lower lip, feeling tears rim his eyes. "I'm so sorry," she says and he can hear her sobbing on the other end before the line clicks and he throws his phone onto the bed, staring at the window, eyes unblinking.
A scream leaves Kendall's mouth and he falls to his knees, curling up into a ball; the hood of his jacket falls over his head and he grabs onto the fabric, pressing his wrists against either side of his head. He screams until he can't scream anymore and then he cries, sobbing against his knees before falling onto his side, curling up into the fetal positon.
That's how Carlos finds him a few minutes later and he kneels next to Kendall, trying to pry his hands away from his head, telling him that it's okay. Kendall shakes his head and screams again, crying out 'no' over and over until his throat is raw and he can barely speak. He goes silent and grabs onto Carlos, clinging to him as he cries some more, his entire body shaking as the sobs rack his body.
Half an hour passes and Kendall's phone buzzes on his bed again; he thinks that it's probably Jo again and he ignores it, burying his face against Carlos' chest, staining his shirt with tears. Soon, his sobs stop and he calms down, hiccuping a little as he pulls away from Carlos, blinking his eyes open, vision blurry.
"What's wrong?" Carlos asks, chewing on his bottom lip worriedly.
Kendall shakes his head and swallows, a choked off noise leaving his throat. "James," he manages to croak, pressing his hands against his face, sighing deeply against them before crying again. He cries for a few minutes and then drops his hands against his thighs, looking at Carlos with red and swollen eyes. "He died."
"You're..." Shaking his head, Carlos sighs and moves a hand to Kendall's face. "You're not kidding," he whispers, swallowing hard when Kendall shakes his head. "Oh, baby.."
"He's dead and," Kendall pauses, hiccuping before continuing, "it's all my fault! He came over here this morning and - and - and he was drunk, I told him to go home and I knew he was drunk, Carlos! I made him drive and I killed him."
Carlos swallows again and shakes his head, pulling Kendall closer. "It's not your fault, baby," he whispers, running a hand down the back of Kendall's head, stroking his fingers over the nape of his neck. "Shh, it's okay."
This time, when Carlos says it's okay, Kendall doesn't believe him and he cries harder, his shoulders shaking as he lets go completely, crying over James' death and the kiss they shared not long before he died. He thinks about the last thing he saw and he cries harder, realizing that it was James' smile - a real smile, even if it was sad.
"Need my mom," Kendall chokes out, pulling away from Carlos, scrambling toward the bed.
Carlos sits back on his heels and lets Kendall go, watching him dial a number on his phone, biting his lower lip. He wants to do everything he can for his boyfriend, but he feels helpless. Sighing, Carlos gets up and goes downstairs, leaving Kendall alone even though he doesn't want to; he's afraid of what may happen in the short time he's gone.
When Carlos leaves, Kendall doesn't even notice; he's too busy dialing and redialing his mom's number, trying his dad's after a handful of failed attempts. On the tenth try, his father answers, his voice rough and Kendall knows that he woke him up, so he starts crying harder, sobbing into the phone.
"Kendall, calm down," Christopher says, his voice sounding louder and more awake. "Tell me what's wrong."
Biting his lip, Kendall makes a sobbing noise. "Where's mom?"
"She's right here," his father says and there's a rustling noise before his mother comes on, asking what's wrong.
"Need you to come home," Kendall replies, his voice broken and the words coming out with a childish tone. "Please, need you."
Jennifer sighs and Kendall bites down on his lower lip, listening to her talk. "What's the matter, honey?"
"James, he... he..." Pausing, Kendall takes a deep breath before managing, "James died this morning."
His mother gasps on the other line and that's what breaks Kendall again; he barely hears her say that they'll be on the next flight home, muttering things that probably aren't even coherent words. When they hang up, Kendall looks at his phone and reads several text messages he received from people who were acquaintances and who had his number but weren't really his friends.
With shaky hands, Kendall manages to text Camille, figuring she's at home, and tells her to come over as soon as she can. Once that's sent, he climbs into bed and pulls the blanket over his head, curling up on the middle of the mattress; he wants to cry again but, no matter how hard he tries, he can't anymore.
Kendall falls asleep and doesn't wake up until Camille lays down beside him, wrapping her arms around his body, hugging him close. He mumbles a few words to her but stays quiet for the most part, clinging to her like his life depends on it, his face buried in the crook of her neck. She stays with him until Carlos comes back in, asking if he can stay with Kendall for a moment and Kendall doesn't want to let Camille go, but he does, albeit reluctantly.
The first night is horrible and Kendall ends up crying more later, which causes him to spend most of the night on the bathroom floor with his head in the toilet. Carlos is by his side the whole time and Kendall is thankful for it but mostly, he's upset because he sees James whenever he looks at Carlos and that just makes him want to cry more.
Eventually, Carlos gets Kendall back into his bed and he falls asleep with dry eyes, sleeping through the night until the morning when he wakes up to Carlos next to him and a cup of tea on the nightstand. He takes the tea and sips carefully, thanking his boyfriend for it before laying back down, face buried in his pillow.
Four days later, Kendall goes to James' funeral; he stands in the back of the church, listening to sad music mixed with the sobs of everyone around him and he doesn't cry until James' mother goes to speak about her son. It's the first time Kendall's ever heard her say anything nice about James and he sobs into his hand, tears staining his face even after she's done.
But, when she's done, she calls out Kendall's name and he blinks rapidly, staring up at the front of the church with his mouth open. Brooke is waving him forward and he swallows hard, running a hand down his face as he makes his way down the aisle, taking a spot behind the pulpit. He takes a deep breath and looks out across the sea of people, seeing familiar faces and some people that he's never seen before.
"James Diamond was loved by a lot of people," he starts, hands gripping either side of the stand, "and I was one of them. I know not a lot of people knew about James' secret life but I was fortunate enough to be a part of it. We were close and I loved him more than anything, though sometimes I wanted to strangle him for being vain." At that, Kendall chuckles sadly and lifts a hand, running it down his face again with a heavy sigh.
He looks out across the crowd again and smiles. "But James was amazing, as I'm sure most of you know, and he was dedicated to a lot of things. Sports, his friends, his family, and even sometimes school when it wasn't a subject that was completely boring or that didn't hold his interest for long," he continues, sniffling loudly. "He was one of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and I'm lucky to say that I knew him for the brief time I did."
Everyone's eyes are on him and Kendall swallows thickly, tapping his fingers against the side of the pulpit.
"I was in love with James," he says, finally, huffing out a quiet breath before he continues, "I was in love with him for years before he realized it and before he admitted that he loved me too. Before he.." Kendall pauses and swallows thickly, feeling his throat constrict as his eyes rim with tears. "Before his accident," he corrects, "he came to my house and told me that he loved me. James Diamond told me that he had always loved me and then he was gone... I never thought that would be the last time I saw him, but I honestly don't think I'd trade that last memory in for anything."
Kendall stops when he starts crying and he shakes his head. "I'll always love James; he'll always have a piece of my heart, even though he's no longer with me," he says, voice cracking. "I'm sorry, Brooke. I'm so sorry you lost him and I'm sorry that I did, too.. Maybe if things were different, none of this would have happened, but... everything happens for a reason, right?"
He stops again and moves toward the coffin, tears streaming down his face as he leans down and kisses the top, whispering, "I love you, James."
Sniffling, Kendall stands up and returns to his spot at the back of the church, running a hand down his face; he can feel everyone's eyes on him and that makes him cry harder throughout the rest of the service. When it's done and they're all instructed to meet in the graveyard, Kendall's the first one out of the door and he takes big gasps of air once he's outside, trying to keep himself from throwing up.
Someone comes up behind him and touches his back and Kendall jumps, turning to look at Brooke. "I'm sorry," she says in a quiet voice, offering him a sad smile. "I just wanted to see if you were alright."
"I'm okay," Kendall lies, nodding as he straightens up. "I'm sorry."
"I know," Brooke says, her smile fading. "Frankly, so I am; I was never the best mother and I hate that James and I never really got to know one another before he died."
Kendall nods his head and swallows thickly. "Did you know that he was gay?"
"That I did know." Nodding, Brooke looks up at Kendall and smiles again. "I knew about the two of you, but I never said anything because I didn't want James to hate me anymore than he already did."
"He didn't hate you." Brooke blinks at Kendall when he says this and he chuckles. "He didn't hate you, believe me," he says, shaking his head slowly. "If he hated you, he would have acted like he did."
Brooke purses her lips and sighs. "Do you want to walk me to the graveyard?"
"Sure," Kendall says, holding his arm out to Brooke, who loops her own around it. "Hey, can I ask you a question?"
"Go ahead."
"Can I, uh, have some pictures of James? I don't really have many, because he never allowed me to take them."
Laughing, Brooke nods her head as they walk. "Sure, come on by the house sometime and I'll give you copies."
"Thanks." Kendall smiles and bites his lip as they walk to the graveyard slowly, making their way to a freshly dug hole in the back corner. When he sees it, Kendall freezes up but Brooke squeezes his arm, silently encouraging him to go on. He keeps walking and they stay silent until they get by the grave and Kendall lets go of Brooke's arm, intent on going to stand behind everyone else.
Brooke grabs his hand again, giving Kendall a weak smile. "Stay up here with me, please? James would want you to."
"Okay," Kendall croaks, nodding slowly as he stands next to Brooke, looking down at the coffin. He's barely listening to the priest as he talks, his eyes on the casket and then on the headstone above it. Swallowing, Kendall closes his eyes and feels Brooke squeeze his hand reassuringly until the priest stops talking and they start to lower the casket into the ground.
Kendall opens his eyes and watches it being lowered, his heart falling into the pit of his stomach until it stops completely. He's given a rose a moment later and he steps forward automatically, tossing it onto the casket. Once it's on there, he hurries away and mutters an apology to James' mother before practically running back to his car, tearing his tie off once he's behind the wheel.
Taking deep breaths, Kendall leans back against the seat and presses his face against his hands, trying to calm himself down. He starts the engine once he's calm enough and pulls away from the curb, heading down the road slowly, stopping at a stop sign and sitting at it for a few minutes, even when nothing is coming.
It takes him a long time to get home but eventually, he pulls into the driveway and he shuts the engine off, getting out of the car before moving inside, feeling sluggish. He kicks his shoes off at the door and tosses his keys and tie onto the table, moving through the living room and toward the stairs, not stopping even when his mom calls his name.
On his way up the stairs, Kendall takes his dress jacket off and tosses it onto the floor once he's in his bedroom, shutting the door behind him with more force than necessary. He gets the rest of his clothing off and throws them aimlessly onto the floor before falling down face-first onto his bed, sighing heavily.
He thinks about calling Carlos but quickly dismisses that idea because he doesn't want Carlos to see him the way he is, even though his boyfriend saw him at his worst a few days ago. Thinking about Carlos having to deal with his crying and panic attacks makes Kendall's chest tighten and he screams into his pillow, putting his hands on the back of his head.
Kendall falls asleep like that, with his face pressed against the pillow and his hands on the back of his neck, fingers linked at the base of his skull. He dreams about the way James was on the night he died and the kiss they shared and how it had been wonderful and horrible at the same time. There are also dreams of Kendall and James living happily ever after and those dreams last longer than the others for some reason Kendall will never know.