~ 21 ~
The scream that reverberated through the caves had nothing humane in it. It came from Matt's mouth, but in the same time it belonged to me. When sleep had tricked me, it had opened the gate wide open for nightmares to come, and they hadn't let themselves be expected for long. It was the same old one that had been torturing my psyche for years, only that this time, the difference was that I wasn't the only participant. Matt saw it too.
We were on the rooftop, talking to Ryan, trying to convince him to put the gun down and turn himself in. I was in Vicky's body, and it was me speaking the words, like repeating an old play, while Matt just watched with horror and morbid fascination. He wanted to know what had happened to his brother, and it was too late to prevent that.
'Bye, Vicky,' Ryan spoke the dreaded words. Blood and gray matter spread on the ground, and his body fell in slow motion, a vacant look in his eyes.
I ran to him like I did each time, and I cradled his head in my arms. When I looked down, it wasn't Ryan's face I was seeing, it was Matt's. And then I screamed. My desperation travelled along his throat, tensed his vocal cords and exploded out of his mouth. I didn't remember screaming so loud before. Of course, now I had a different set of lungs.
It was so loud that it woke Brandt up, and it made him come running into our room.
"Matt, what happened? Are you alright?"
Matt was sitting straight up on the cot, holding his head with both hands and panting heavily.
"It was… a nightmare," he gritted between clenched teeth. "I'm… fine."
"Are you sure?" Brandt watched us warily.
"Yes…" Matt nodded, still focusing on the dream.
Brandt waited a few more seconds, as if expecting for him to turn feral or something, then he retreated quietly. Both doors remained open.
Was that real?
No, I whimpered. Technically, it had been a dream.
But it happened, he insisted. That's how he died.
It was not a question. He knew.
I stifled a sob. Welcome to my world. Try living with that memory every second of the day and then dare complain that our life was easy.
The attack took me by surprise. I hadn't seen it coming. He tore into my memories with the force of a bulldozer, shoving them left and right, going deeper; digging for more. He didn't know what he was doing so it hurt. Memories were supposed to be handled with care, like delicate stamps, and not split open with a knife.
Stop! I wailed in panic, scared to reveal so much of myself to him. He paid no attention to my plea, and I was convinced he had found a way to kill me from the inside. He hated me. I started sobbing, totally irrationally, and let go of all defense. If this was what he wanted, then so be it. I could not stop him; I didn't have enough strength left.
The torture went on for a while, but as he realized he didn't have to put so much effort into it, his actions became less invasive, turning to feather-like touches eventually. But I had reached a point when I didn't care. I was curled up in the back of his brain, crying quietly to myself and waiting for the world to end.
Preoccupied, Matt was shifting back and forward through my memories, interested in the ones featuring Vicky, Ryan and himself. Since they weren't mine to begin with, they were blurred and faded like old pictures, and he didn't like it. I could hear his discontent clearly inside my head even when he wasn't speaking to me.
Is this all you remember?
Yes. I shuddered. Wasn't it enough?
You don't remember correctly. He forced his own memories inside my brain, insisting on the ones that felt more relevant to him. The avalanche of sensations nearly drowned me.
Oh… but I thought…
What? That I was in love with her?
Uh…
We were good friends, but she was Ryan's girl.
Ah.
Well, that wouldn't have stopped him from having feelings for her if that was the case.
It wasn't. She wasn't my type.
I couldn't help feeling a little hurt by that statement. I hadn't known Vicky personally, but I knew her from her memories and she hadn't been that bad.
Then… why…?
I shoved at him the memory of the time when he had grabbed me and kissed me in the corridor. He kissed her, I corrected myself.
Vicky is dead. You told me so, and now I have the confirmation after having looked through your memories.
But then you didn't know that for sure, I reminded him.
Still… I wasn't kissing her.
It made no sense.
Why? I repeated weakly.
I… it's hard to explain, he hesitated. Maybe this will help… He lowered the shield and let me in.
At first I prodded tentatively, as delicately as I could, not really believing my luck. For a human to do that willingly it was unheard of. There were tons of memories neatly stacked there, and I wasn't sure where to start. I didn't even know what to look for.
He guided me. From the first time he'd seen me in town, then at the supermarket, and inside the caves. I saw myself moving around, straightening my back, tossing my hair over my shoulder, plugging weeds, climbing on the walls, helping in the kitchen, watching people and trying to read their body language, chatting with Wanda and laughing with Mel, attending to the rodent's needs with Jamie, keeping a healthy distance from Uncle Jeb's gun, eyeing Jared with respect like from one leader to another, tensing each time Matt passed by, smiling tentatively at him, dancing at the party… It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, he was constantly watching me. Watching me. Watching me. WATCHING ME!
Oh…
When the realization hit, he threw at me the memory of the ceiling incident, with him trapped under the rocks, and it was suddenly dark and quiet and all I could feel was him all around me. No, it was me, 'cause I was seeing things from his perspective. My own memories came to life, and our heart started to beat faster as our blood raced.
Enough! I panted overcame by too many emotions I could not control, and he stopped the assault right away.
That's what it is, he said quietly.
You say… you… love… me?
I don't know. I don't have a word for it. Love is for humans.
A dog loves his master, I reasoned.
Am I supposed to be the master or the dog? he joked.
I was tempted to roll my eyes so he did it for me.
It's not the same, you know?
Yes, I sighed, I know.
But it's still… something.
It is.
We shook our head in mutual agreement. Now that we had full access to each other's mind things were much easier, and simple. There were no more secrets.
I like this, I told him. It's supposed to be this way with all Hosts… but I've never had it, not on this planet.
It's a first for me too, he admitted. It's not as bad as I feared.
Because you're in control.
Perhaps. He meditated on the matter. Can you still not move?
I tried the usual. I discovered that I could control the heat beats to some degree and the activity of the internal organs, but on the outside nothing moved.
That's it.
Well, we'll have to settle for this for now, he said.
Yes.
We lay down and crossed our arms underneath our head. Neither of us felt like sleeping. We kept browsing each other's memories at a slower pace, asking for explanation when we didn't understand something.
Will you tell me about your big plan now? he wondered after a while. It was the only part he hadn't touched. He could have done it without asking for permission, but he hadn't.
Why? It didn't seem that feasible at the moment, more like a utopia.
I want to help. I trust you.
It was as good as a love declaration. Almost.
OK.
And I did.