"Where. Is. He!"
The barrel of the gun was digging into his forehead. It wasn't the first time he'd been in this situation, but the feeling that your life could be over in the next second never got any less terrifying.
Ok, think Tony! How do I diffuse an angry housewife?
"Laura, honey, I know you're mad but-"
*BANG*
Obviously that wasn't the right way!
Tony felt his life flash before him. Luckily she hadn't blown his brains out, but he wasn't expecting her to actually fire a warning shot either. He stared down the smoking barrel once again aimed at his face then glanced at the wall behind him.
"You know there could be someone on the other side of that wall.."
"There's no one in this shithole but me," she growled, "Well, until night-time when the whores and druglords come out to play. It's exactly how I always wanted to raise my children, to the sounds of the bed next door banging the wall and the shouts of 'Daddy, daddy fuck me harder' that are basically in the room with us.."
"And lets not forget all the drug paraphernalia just lying around everywhere! I had to waste money on bleach and cleaners with the hope that the kids wont contract hepatitis! Would you like to know how many needles I found under the bed?"
"Please don't kill me..I came in peace!"
"Seven, Tony! Seven used needles, because this is the only place I can afford to stay in since my husband flew over the cuckoo's nest! I'm now truly living the 'American Dream'.. Would you like me to continue?" she screamed at him.
"...I'm afraid to say no..." he deadpanned.
"I only managed to grab a few clothes before the CIA took our house, we're all running out of clean ones because there's no money to do laundry. I'm down to the last twenty dollars of my emergency cash, I have two diapers left for Nate and I haven't eaten in four days because I'm trying to keep the kids fed.."
"Laura, please just let-"
"Then there's Lucky whos locked up in the bathroom because the kids couldn't bear to leave him. And would you like to know what happened to me yesterday? I went to the DHHS to try and get some help for the kids, get them food and, and some clothes but you know what they told me?"
"I don't-"
"They told me that I have been locked out for any forms of help because of my association with wanted terrorists! And! AND that my children, my kids, are in a potentially dangerous situation and I'm supposed to expect a visit from CPS by the end of the day today! Because I'm-"
Tony cursed to himself, fucking Thaddeus. That had his name written all over it. No doubt he'd found some way to influence the system.
"-considered a 'person of interest' to the government all because they think I know where Clint is!"
The fiery rage was slowly burning out of Lauras eyes. She lowered the gun and collapsed onto the floor. "Oh, God.." she cried, tears welling up. "Oh God, how could he do this to us..? He abandoned us.. He left without even a word, I didn't even know he was leaving," she sobbed into her hands on the dirty floor. "There was a call and then he was just gone.. He didn't even say goodbye.. He always said goodbye because he was afraid he wouldn't see us again. Why...? Why did he do this to us..?"
Tony never really knew how to deal with crying, it was the one emotion that whenever he saw it he hauled ass in the other direction. Tears scared the shit out of him, but seeing Laura bawling on the floor, well he just couldn't do that to her. He remembered back when Ultron happened, how kind and caring she was to him. To everyone, she didn't blink an eye at Bruce when he said he was afraid to stay because of Hulk. She had just smiled and patted his cheek.
Laura just had that mothering vibe no matter how old you were. While he was there she always made sure he ate, always asked if he needed anything. Love was just her nature..
Tony came over and slid down beside her, pulling her into his arms in a tight embrace. For a minute she was still, openly crying into her hands. Then she seemed to accept the hug and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face against his chest. He could feel her tears dampening his shirt, his muttured assurances not doing anything to ease the pain her husband had left her in.
As he rocked her from his place on the floor he took a look around the room. Little Nate was sleeping on the bed, what looked like noise cancelling earphones on his head. Tony recalled Clint saying something about the baby only being able to sleep in total silence. Laura had stripped the sheets from the bed and covered it with plastic trash bags, probably afraid of hidden diseases lurking in there. She'd piled her clothes on top of them so Nate could sleep comfortably. Two small sleeping bags were on the floor for Lila and Cooper, bags underneath those too.
Food for the past weeks must have been McDonald's if the empty wrappers in the trash meant anything. Other than that and Lucky scratching on the bathroom door there wasn't much here belonging to the Barton's.
But when the government takes your shit, they really don't leave you with more than the clothes on your back. Tony's suprised she got as much out as she did.
After what felt like eternity, Laura finally seemed more calm, "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to let loose on you," she sniffed, rubbing at her runny nose.
Tony grinned, "I don't mind. I helped get you into this situation, so if you need to punch me, go ahead. Totally won't try to stop you, if you want you can even hit me with that dead rat in the corner!"
"WHAT?!" she screamed.
"Kidding! I'm just kidding, sorry," he was trying to lighten the mood a bit. He gave a short pause, "Actually it's under the nightstand.."
She jumped to her feet, arms flailing about. Loud screaching noises coming from her mouth. "Oh, fuck! I want out of this whorehouse, I want to go home and sleep in my nice, clean bed. I want to eat an actual meal, not fake chicken from McD's! I want to take a bath and not worry about catching syphilis! And son of a bitch, I want a divorce!" She screamed the last part.
"I'm going to kill Clint! I'm going to shove his arrows so far up his freakin ass they come out of his freakin throat! Then, then I'm going to cut off his dick and use it for target practice after I shove it down his throat! Then I'll go find Thor's hammer and smash his balls to bloody little bits! Over and over and over, til there's nothing left!"
"..."
Tony looked like a deer caught in the highbeams.
"What?" She yelled.
"...I don't think you can lift Thor's hammer...," he mumbled.
"You just freakin watch me! Uuuhhhhhhh!" She pulled at her hair and belly-flopped on the bed.
He felt like he was in one of those chick flicks that Rhodey watched when he thought no one was around. Joke was on him though, cause Friday had taken to recording everything when it came to Rhodey. For some unknown reason she liked to mess with him. Tony now had way to much footage of him watching Romy and Michelle and binge eating junk food.
"Laura, eat a Snickers.."
"What? Why the hell would I want a Snickers, Tony?" Came the reply.
"Because you're not yourself when you're hangry!"
She rolled over and stared, then the beginnings of a smile came on her face followed by full blown laughter. She laughed so hard more tears were running down her face.
"I can not believe you just commercialized me," she said between her giggles.
Tony sat beside her, pulling her into another hug, "Eh, it wasn't my best but it worked didn't it?"
"Seriously though, I'm here to bring you guys back to the city with me. I only found out about the farm and everything else yesterday. I would have been here faster but things have been pretty shitty at the tower the past few days.."
"Tony... That's," she paused, pulling back from him. "I can't ask that of you. Do you know how crazy that would be, three kids following you around, driving you nuts. And a dog! Pestering you hour after hour-"
"Technically, I did the asking, not you. If I didn't want you to be there, then I wouldn't even be here now. Believe it or not I care about you and the kids. If New York doesn't work for you then I'll just buy you another farm somewhere! Hey, I have a ranch in Montana, how about that?"
"Tony.."
"Please.." He begged. "When I screwed up with Ultron you didn't even blink an eye when we came to you. You made us feel like we belonged there.. Made me feel like I belonged.. Please let me help you, I know I'm not exactly a stand up kinda guy but I just want to do the right thing. I'm tired of messing everything up.. Please.."
"From where I'm sitting you're not the one who messed up," she kissed his cheek. "Alright, we'll go with you. But I'm telling you, three kids.. And a dog, Tony. Who loves to eat pizza. And then procedes to get the shits.."
"Eh, we can just stick him on Caps old floor. It would make it smell better anyway. Gotta get rid of the stench of his misguided American logic anyway.. Thank you," he hugged her. "Were you really serious about a divorce?"
She nodded, " Dead serious, I've had almost a month to think it through, a month since Clint left us in the dark. The kids, they don't know what's going on, they can't figure out why Clint abandoned them. For some reason they think it's their fault. So yes, I want a divorce. Well, as soon as I can afford a lawyer. Oh, God! I'm going to have to get a job!"
Tony nodded, "I know a guy, SI just hired him on recently to take some cases for us. He usually does pro-bono work but he is really, really good and I made him an offer no one would refuse. If you want, I can get him to meet with you. He's one of the best I've ever seen and I know a lot of lawyers. Name's Matt Murdock, he tore Wilson Fisk a new one in court a few months back, you might have heard about it."
"Mmmm, the blind guy, right? He's hot," she smiled.
"..."
"What, it doesn't hurt to look. I've checked out your ass a thousand time since I've met you."
"I knew that's why you kept knocking things to the floor the last time I was here!" he squawked.
He took out his phone, "Fri, you with me?"
"24/7 Boss!"
"Is there a car rental close by?"
"Sorry Boss, the closest one is in Des Moines, about two hours away. There is a Ford dealer just a few miles away from the motel though, if you don't wanna wait."
"Awww, no Audi? Eh, I guess Ford will do, do you even like Fords?" He shivered. "Fri, find me a nice roomy one, something that will haul three kids and a furbaby."
"This is rural Iowa, Tony, most people here don't know what Audi is," Laura said. "Wait, you're not buying a car are you? Tony!"
"You're good to go Boss. It should be here in the next twenty minutes. I made sure to have them install a safety seat for Nate as well as a crate in the back for Lucky. The nearest airstrip is in Waterloo and you should arrive about the same time as the Quinjet. I made sure to send the one with the cargo hold for Ms. Bartons new car. I've also secured a floor of the tower for you Miss, it should be fully stocked by the time you arrive."
"Tony!" She smacked at him.
"Ow, what? Are you not a Ford fan? I can get something better, how about a nice Cadi, huh? Ooh, or a Land Rover like the Queen! And it's just clothes and diapers for you guys, geez!"
"Don't forget about the in suite playground for the kids, and the multi-level condo for the dog Boss!"
"Fri! TMI Fri, TMI!"
"When we get to New York we are going to have a serious talk about your spending habits!"
He just laughed, "So you ready to blow this truck stop? We'll go get the kiddos from school, book it to looneyville-"
"Waterloo.."
"-and be in Manhattan before the baby bird in the bed even wakes up. Geez, that kid can snooze."
"I'm so ready to go, but I do have one question."
He cocked a brow.
"What kind of car did you get me?"
Tony just laughed, and if she went a little ballistic when the fully loaded Explorer pulled up, well she'd get used to it eventually.. Now he was ready to go back home, and see how T'Challa was doing.