AN: I want to thank everyone for all of the reviews you have sent in. I can honestly say that the overwhelming response that I have gotten just has inspired me to make sure I am putting my best into every chapter for you all. You guys are truly wonderful.

With that being said, this isn't one of my favorite chapters but it needed to be done. I believe this is the catalyst to get Bella off in the right direction and that direction happens to be wherever Jazz is.

Which reminds me chapter 3 of Finding Forgiveness, Jazz's POV will hopefully be out on Sunday. You'll find this weeks lemon there.

I want to give a shout out to Generation Klutz, Ladydread and FadedImport. These guys have made it a habit of talking about my story around the water cooler at work. There is nothing more fucking awesome than that.

I don't own twilight or any of it's characters – for fucksakes. I hate having to remember this every time.

What I've Done – Linkin Park

So let mercy come,

And wash away

What I've done

I'll face myself

To cross out what I've become

Erase myself

And let go of what I've done

Chapter 21

From my confrontation with Jazz, I immediately drive to Jacob's house. I should have called him to tell him I would come over tomorrow night instead. I am in no state to be with anyone but I have a strong need to be near someone. I feel so alone, like I have no one - again. That thought scares the crap out of me. So, because I am selfish, and to appease my ridiculous fears, Jacob will be made to suffer my less than desirable company.

Besides, we needed to talk anyway.

When I arrive at Jacob's apartment I study my face in the car mirror, ineffectively trying to remove the streaks left from the tears on my face. Giving up, I make my way up to his apartment to find him waiting for me at the door. He leads me in where I am instantly downed by Sparky.

"C'mon Sparky, down buddy," he chuckles as he clutches his collar in an attempt to drag him off of me. Once that has been accomplished he places a light kiss on my lips. Again, I briefly notice that there is nothing there, but I dismiss it instantly, refusing to acknowledge it. My mind is clouded for the time being, I am not thinking clearly.

This has to work. It's all I have.

He pulls me to the couch where he has a recording of his last swim meet on the television. He likes to watch previous events to study the form of his opponents, as well as his own teammates. Jacob is seriously into this swimming thing.

He presses the pause button so that he can talk with me without missing any details of the competition. "So, I was beginning to think you weren't coming." He mumbles with his eyes downcast.

We hadn't really spoken but a couple of words since the night we had sex. I feel like I have to assure him that I am still interested. I turn to him and put my hands behind his neck. "I'm sorry Jake, I should have called. I had a lot of errands to run today and it took much longer than I thought it would." I grimace at the reminder of what delayed me.

He seems to be appeased because he gives me a glowing smile. I frown again.

Why couldn't I have fallen in love with him? It would have been so easy.

When I notice his smile faltering, probably due to the expression on my face, I give him a kiss. A brief one at first but he insists on extending it by putting his hands on my rib cage and opening my lips with his tongue. He dives in and our tongues rub sinuously against each other. Jacob is a fine kisser. But I didn't have much to compare it to, did I? Just one fuckhot, irresistible…

When his hands start to rise to my breasts I start to hyperventilate.

Too much.

My nerves are raw from this afternoon and I know intercourse will be a very bad idea. I gently pull away from Jacob and ignore his hurt expression by petting Sparky who is sitting at our feet patiently waiting for a good rubdown. I decide to get down on the floor and oblige.

"Jake. I know we haven't talked much since Thursday and I just want to say that I really enjoyed what we did," I hide my face in Sparky's neck to avoid him from seeing the evidence of my very blatant lie. "But I don't think I was quite ready for that. Do you mind if we take it a little slower?" I look up just in time to see his face fall.

He was a man, after all. Could I blame him for it? He could be a little more considerate though, my mind argues.

"Just for a little while." I add.

He seems satisfied with that because he crawls on the floor next to me and gives me a really sweet kiss. I stay for a couple of hours and we just chat and make out a little bit. I cut him and myself off before it gets too serious. I never thought of myself as a cock tease and I am not going to start being one now.

God, Jacob is such a nice guy and he has real feelings for me, I should consider myself lucky to have him. Maybe one day I will.

^*^

I wake up at two in the morning, sweating from a nightmare that I just had. Realization dawns, and I recognize that it isn't a nightmare, it really did happen. I was dreaming about the previous afternoon's events.

How could I have let it go this far? I try to be strong, but eventually give in to the tears. I finally fall asleep wishing that I could rewind yesterday and do it all over again.

Once the light of day hits I am not any better. I have a migraine that will not go away. It feels like the MSU Spartan marching band is playing the fight song in my head.

I am, for the thousandth time, going over every detail of the conversation I had with Jazz. It may be my warped mind, but some things are just not adding up. And if I have learned anything doing my job it is that everything needs to add up.

I am starting to question some of the things he said and did yesterday.

Like when did he notice that I took off my ring? Then it comes to me - I know exactly when. I remember that in the shower he had looked down at my hands that, at the time, were giving his chest a rubdown. It was then, that he had suddenly propped me against the wall and lost his carefully placed control.

Did he think I had taken it off for him? I gasp at the thought.

Did I?

He also asked me if I had slept with Jacob. Why would he ask me that? Did he care?

And what about when his voice broke? Or when his hands clenched? The bone-crushing embrace? I begin to shake uncontrollably. I am getting a very uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. After analyzing everything that had happened, and what was said, I am beginning to think I have made a mistake.

Call me crazy, but I am beginning to think that Jazz had cared, at least a little. I immediately pick up my cell and dial Jazz's number. I will ask him straight out if he cares for me. If he says he doesn't then I will pick myself up and do my best to forget him. If he says he does then…I don't know, we will have to figure it out…together.

The phone rings four times before an operator-recorded message comes on saying that the phone has been disconnected. To hell with that.

He really didn't think I would stop at that, did he? He doesn't know me very well.

I went to Jazz's hang-out. I don't see Jazz, but I see James. I wait for a little while before I get out of my car and make my way over to him.

He smiles at me like I am a potential customer and I cringe at the thought. I realize that he has never really seen me up close and probably can't identify me.

"You're James, right?" He now looks at me warily.

"Yeah, who wants to know?" He replies.

"A friend of Jazz's. Is he around?" I say. He eyes me suspiciously.

"If you were a friend of Jazz's you'd know that he quit the biz." He responds.

"What??" I am starting to feel light-headed. A mistake? I made a catastrophic fucking mistake.

^*^

I sit in my office making a chain with paperclips. The work I have accumulated on my desk this week is mountainous. I can't think about anything but how the hell I am going to find Jazz.

When I asked James where I could find him the bastard just laughed at me. I knew he was going to be of no help. I had gone back every night just to see if he had been lying, but the only ones that I ever recognized was him and the girl that they both worked with.

Did Jazz quit "the biz" for the blonde? Damn it, would I ever find out?

I have to face the fact that I have lost him but it is tearing me up inside.

Angela has just come in the office to drop off yet another assignment that is just going to sit on my desk untouched.

She plops down in the chair opposite me and reaches out to put a hand on mine. "Bella, what is going on with you this week? You are really scaring me." I know she is remembering the Bella from almost a year ago. I shiver, remembering too.

I decide, right then and there, that this shit needs to end. Now. I never needed to spill my guts more than I do right at this moment. "Angie, can you leave for an early lunch? I need to talk to someone." I can even hear the desperation and urgency in my voice.

I can tell from her expression and her answer that she hears it too. "Yeah, just let me grab my bag and we can leave now." She leaves my office in a hurry and returns in record time.

^*^

Angela is in the mood for pizza so we went to Primo's. They have an excellent deep-dish pizza. I would normally have been thrilled, but I haven't eaten much this week, so my empty stomach isn't too excited by being filled with greasy pizza.

Nonetheless, we order a vegetarian pizza, because that somehow makes us feel like we are eating healthier.

I wait for my Pepsi to come before I speak. I take a large gulp trying to figure out how I am going to tell Angela about my issue. I continue to guzzle my pop, noticing that I am either quite dehydrated, or stalling for time. I look over my glass to see Angela stare at me in confusion and worry.

I put my glass down and sigh. How am I going to expect her to understand this? Won't she think less of me? Nothing matters at this point. I need to get this weight off my chest. I am suffocating.

We stare at each other for a long moment. "Angie, I don't know how to say this." I begin. Shaking my head, not knowing how to tell her I am head over heels in love with a prostitute, or ex-prostitute, whatever the case may be.

Her eyes widen, she covers her mouth with her hand to cover her gasp. She leans over the table and whispers, "Oh my God, are you prego?"

"Whaaatt? Hell, no!!!" Goddamnit. Let us just dispel that topic straight away.

"God. FUCKING. No!!" I emphasize, just in case she didn't get it the first time. She holds her hands up in surrender and apology.

I give her the look that, under no uncertain terms, says she better be fucking sorry. Holy shit. I can't even imagine…

Getting my bearings together, I calmly say, "I met a guy."

A flicker of disappointment flashes in her eyes before it disappears. "Aren't you seeing Jake?"

"Well, first of all, we aren't really exclusive and second, I met this guy before I started going out with Jake." I am suddenly feeling defensive. Calm down Bella.

I take a deep breath and continue. "Do you remember the night we went to see the show at The Machine Shop?" I ask.

She nods her head and smiles in remembrance. "Well, I met him that night." I watch her expression closely.

She looks appropriately shocked. "What?? How come you never told me about him?"

"Angie, I don't think you'd understand the situation." I hedge. Should I just come right out and say it?

She is staring at me, obviously waiting for more information.

"He…he…approached me when I was walking to my car." I don't think I can get any more uncomfortable than I am. "He is a…I mean, he was a…" I stutter. Angela is getting impatient, giving me the, spit-it-the-fuck-out look.

"He was a prostitute." I whisper the last word.

Angela continues to stare at me. Undoubtedly, not believing what I just said. Waiting for the punch line, like this is some sick joke. Finally, after several moments of silence she opens her mouth, "He was a what??"

Now I am getting agitated. Was she really going to make me say it again? "Angie, you heard me the first time." I huff. "Can I talk to you about this, or no?" I stare hard at her.

She starts fidgeting, "No, no, I am just…shocked. C'mon Bella, without even knowing what the hell happened between you and this…this guy…I mean…to make you this sad lately, this is a lot to fucking process." I did understand. It was almost laughable. Well…not really.

She continues, "So am I to assume that you…you…left with him that night?" I don't say anything for a moment, and then I just decide to nod and let her take that in.

She sits for a moment; you can tell by her face that her mind is going a mile a minute. I can see her visibly calm down. "Okay, okay, well, what the hell happened? That was months ago?"

"Yeah…well…"

I go on to tell Angela the whole story. I tell her about meeting with Jazz almost every week, our verbal interactions – minus the details about the actual sex act, going out with Jacob, and seeing Jazz on our double date last weekend.

Then I continue to tell her, minus the details, about having sex with Jacob and then the terrible "break up" with Jazz on Sunday. The only time I pause in my story is when the waitress brings our pizza and then when she comes back to retrieve Angela's empty plate and my half eaten piece.

Angela has been leaning over the table listening and when I am done she reclines back in her seat, letting out a large gust of air. I feel like I can breathe again.

Angela will help me figure this out.

"Well, Bella, don't you think this is for the best?" She asks. Okkaaaay, maybe she won't help.

"Maybe, but Angie, I can't stop thinking about him. Wondering if he felt the same way." I am so confused.

"He doesn't. Bella that was his job. He is supposed to make you feel like that. You have Jake and he is a great guy. Seth tells me that he is really into you. Why would you want to give that up? Jake is good for you. I could tell on our double date that you guys are perfect for each other." She can tell that I am going to intervene with some sort of argument so she doesn't hesitate before she adds, "Bella, you deserve someone like Jake, he'll make you happy."

I am registering what she said. She is right and Jacob doesn't deserve this. I have two choices; I can leave Jacob, too or I can grow the fuck up and get over Jazz.

Be a real girlfriend for fucksakes, and stop pining over someone else.

Going back to my irrational fear of being all alone I chose to go with the latter of the two choices. I will give Jacob the chance he deserves and put some effort into the relationship. Since Jazz is no longer going to be in it, clouding my judgment it should be easier. I am not stupid enough to think that I can do it overnight, but I will try to purge Jazz from my mind.

Angela talks the rest of lunch about us doing another group date next week. I just sit in silence, brooding as I picture my future.

^*^

It was a couple of weeks later I pick Jacob up from swim class on a Saturday since his truck is getting new tires installed. We are going to go to see GI-Joe at the AMC. Uchh. It is not a movie that I am really looking forward to seeing.

Why couldn't we ever go to anything that I wanted to see?

By the time the movie is done his truck will be ready.

We are in my car, on the way back from the movie, when I hear a song on the radio that I need to buy off I-Tunes. "Jake, there is a pen and paper in the glove box. Please get it out and write this down." I point to the radio where it displays "Teenager by My Chemical Romance." Jacob rolls his eyes but gets out the pen and paper.

"My Chemical Romance? Is that the name of the song?" Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. He really had no clue about music.

He starts to put the pen and paper back in the glove box. "Wait, butthead. Don't put the piece of paper back in there, put it in my purse, so I'll actually DO it." I don't look at him since I am driving but I know he is looking at me. I smile inside, and I don't know why. For some reason it makes me happy that I have possibly irritated him. Eventually he whips the pen back in the glove box, while his head is still facing my direction. I swear it takes everything in me to fight the full-toothed grin that threatens to spread across my face. His eyes finally leave me when he turns around to the backseat to put the paper in my purse.

He is looking in the back seat for several moments before he swivels back into his seat. "What's this?" He asks. I glance over and then I do a double take. SHIT! He found the "menu". I quickly grab it out of his hand. "Oh, this was just a gag gift that I got from some of my co-workers for my birthday." I try to shrug it off, but my chest aches at having this reminder of Jazz in my hands.

He grabs it back and then peruses the list. He lets out a sharp bark and tosses it onto the backseat. "Wow, that guy is expensive. Listen, I'll give you a deal. I'll only charge you half." He giggles and adds, "And I'm sure I would do a much better job."

Not a fucking chance in hell.

AN: So what did you think? I live for this shit, and you guys know it! Personally, Angie pissed me off in this chapter.

If you ask nice you might see Jazz in the next chapter. :)