I own nothing.
Chapter Twenty-One
I Can't Tell You
Edward was on his way over. He was coming over to spend time with Sadie or at least he thought that was the reason. The truth was Sadie was over at Rosalie's.
She had feared that if she asked him over just to talk that he would deny her request. Not that she would blame him for a second.
What she had done to him was heartless and cruel.
"Bella?" she heard calling from the front room.
"Edward?" she called back, her breath catching.
"I rang the bell but you didn't answer," he softly spoke standing in the door way before she could even think about moving to greet him.
"I'm sorry. I guess I was off in my own world," Bella said to him feeling her response to him instantly. She didn't think he ever understood what a presence he had. When he walked into a room you couldn't help but sit up and take notice. He commanded your attention.
"I know the feeling. I have been kind of in my own head a lot lately," he told her pausing briefly and then continued. "I am sorry that I have not been to see Sadie. I know she has to be confused to why I am not here."
"I just keep telling her that you are at work. I feel like if I keep saying that it is not such a lie."
"I have been at the hospital almost none stop. We have been short handed and I keep volunteering to take the extra shift trying to keep busy. It has not helped. I still think about you every second of every day."
"Edward…"
"I'm sorry. I should have been a better husband. I never saw how unhappy you were. I guess I missed the signs. Maybe I just never paid enough attention. I guess I was too wrapped up in being the best doctor, the perfect husband, and an amazing father. In trying to be it all I just ended up being not enough to anyone or anything," he confused to her.
"You were all those things and more. I never want you to think that anything is your fault. I am the one to blame. I was the one who…who…"
"Had the affair…" Edward bluntly announced.
"Yes," Bella simply said because what else was there to say.
"You will never know how it feels to realize your greatest fear is a reality. I always knew how much in love you were with him. I knew no matter what I did I would always come in second. I tried to hide my doubts and fears from you but I always felt like I was walking on eggs shells. That one wrong step and you would be gone. Do you know how many times I was with Sadie and I would catch you looking at us and you would have this look in your eyes like you wished that it was him playing with his daughter instead of me. Because no matter whom she calls daddy in your eyes I am just a stand in."
"That is not true. I have been thankful each and every day that she has you. You might not be her father but you will always be her daddy. I know better than anyone that only a true man can be a daddy. No matter what happens between us you will always be her daddy. I mean as long as you want to," Bella explained to him not knowing how he was feeling concerning continuing on in Sadie's life now that he had walked out of hers.
"My love and affection for her and for you will never fade just because yours has for me."
"Edward…you have to know that I have not stopped loving you."
"Please stop lying to yourself."
"I am not lying to myself or you."
"If that is what you believe then not only are you lying to both of us but you are deceiving yourself as well. It is hard to still love me when I don't think you ever loved me to start with."
"I do love you Edward. Maybe in the beginning it was not a love match but I did fall in love with you. How could I not?"
"That was how I always felt about you…how could I not fall in love with you? Even after everything that you have done to me I still love you. I'm going to love you until I die. Every moment of every day until I'm put out of the misery of loving you and not having you. And then just maybe when that happens I'll be able to stop loving you. I fear though that I'll love you even then."
"Edward…"
"Don't say anything. I just had to let you know how I feel about you. We both know that I shouldn't be here. I don't belong here. You don't belong to me anymore. You made your choice and I wasn't it. I'm just having a hard time excepting that."
"Honestly Edward I have not made up my mind yet," Bella confessed to him. It was the truth too.
From one minute to the next her decision changed. Just when she was sure she knew who she wanted to spend the rest of her life she would think of some reason why it was the wrong choice. She had gone as far as writing a pros and cons list for each of them. If she was going by that only Edward's pros far out weighed Jasper's. But the problem was the list was based on her brain. Her heart was another story.
In the end she realized that she loved them both and nothing was going to change that. In a perfect world she would have been able to be with them both but it was not a perfect world.
Besides she was pretty sure that neither Edward nor Jasper was into polygamy.
"I'm sorry I just guess too me the affair implied that you had made your choice," Edward bitter threw at her assuring that no matter what he said he was not over her betrayal.
"I'm only human. I made a mistake. No matter what I should have never broken the vows we spoke. If I was unhappy I should have come to you but at the time I was not thinking clearly. My life was falling apart around me and it seemed like everything that mattered to me was disappearing before my eyes. First it was Emmett and then the thought that Jasper was going to take Sadie away and then to top it all off I lost the baby as well as the hope that I will ever have another child."
"You forget that I was there going through all the same things as you. Emmett and I had become extremely close over the years. I lost a true friend. Then just when it felt like things are turning around Jasper comes back to take away Sadie. In the middle of the possibility that I will lose Sadie the worst happens and we lose our child. Worst yet I almost lost you only to in the end lose you anyways. For better or for worse….remember? I was there waiting for you to turn to me hoping that we would find strength in each other to get through the worst. Instead you left me alone to deal with my pain alone."
"It wasn't what I intended. It was just that I couldn't deal with my own let alone anyone else's. I just wanted to escape from reality where the pain wasn't so heavy that I could breathe for a moment."
"Is that what Jasper was, an escape?" Edward asked her not sure they could ever go back to the way things had been before but wondering if he was able to try going some place else. It was a big maybe and he as not even sure it was something that she even wanted.
"In a way it was. For a second I could close my eyes and I was eighteen again and I had the whole world ahead of me. I still believed in fairy tales and happily ever after. I guess I was just hoping to catch that moment in time and hold on to it."
"Bella, we can never go back but we can move forward. I don't know if I will ever be able to forget what you did but I have already forgiven you. I am willing if you are to give us, this marriage, our family another chance. It won't be easy and things can't be like they were before. Without a doubt we will have to see a marriage counselor," he told her laying it all out to her.
Once again his heart was in her hands and he just prayed that she did not stomp all over it as she had. But he knew it was a real possibility. It was more then a possibility. He was looking at a 95% chance that she was going to break his heart all over again. Yet he had to take the chance because if he did not have her then he had nothing anyways.
Bella stared at him not sure that she was hearing him correctly. After every thing that she had done to him here he was forgiving her and telling her that he wanted to give them another chance. She didn't deserve it and she didn't know if she wanted it.
"Edward the fact that you don't hate me is a treatment to the man that you are. I don't now nor have I ever deserved your love. You are the most amazing man that I have ever met," Bella told him as the words from another filled her head, "I understand that he might be the better man but you and I know that he will never be the right man."
"That all sounds good but what does it really mean? Does it mean that you want to give us another try or does it just mean that the good guy finishes last?" Edward demanded to know cutting through all her carefully thought out words to get to the only question that mattered.
"I…"
Jasper waited for her full of apprehension. Bella had called him to meet. She had not given him any details other than the time and place. He had shown up early unable to be away from her a moment longer, she however was late. Part of him wondered if she would show up at all giving him all the answers he would need in that one action.
He closed his eyes and willed away all the evil voices in his mind. He could not allow himself to think that way. He knew that she loved him and this…this was the moment that she was going to tell him that she was going to be his forever.
He could see it now…Bella and him curled up on the couch snuggling with their daughter. It was such a small moment that most people would float right through never feeling the importance but for him it was what he longed for more than anything.
He felt her before he saw her. It was this feeling he got when she was close. His senses were totally in tune with her. With her it was always like that.
"Sorry I'm late," she huffed throwing herself into the booth. She flashed him a smile that was not so convincing hiding her nervousness.
"You are not that late. I was just early," Jasper explained and flashed her his own smile. It seemed to put her at ease but just a degree.
"How have you been?" Bella asked having not seen him in awhile. He looked amazing. He smelled that way too. The scent of his cologne had caught her attention as she walked pass him. She'll never forget the way he smelled the first time he had hugged her. She had tried to crawl into that smell. It brought her right back to that moment.
"I have missed you," Jasper told her reaching across the table to take her hand into his. He let it go quickly though as if her hand had burned his. "How come you are still wearing your wedding band?" he demanded.
She pulled her hand away and placed it on her lap staring down unable to look at him.
"Are you trying to tell me something?" he asked her straight out.
"No," she blurted out quickly. "You have to understand that I have not taken it off in over five years. It has become a part of me. I didn't even think about it," she told him and that was mostly the truth.
"Well do you plan on taking it off?" he asked her wanting to know once and for all where she stood. No longer could she have them both.
"Bella…"
"Can we do this somewhere else," she finally said feeling like all eyes were on them. This was not the time or the place to do this.
He let her get up and walk out first. He threw a twenty on the table and followed her out. She was waiting by his car.
"You drive," she told him not trusting herself to drive.
He opened her door and she climbed in. He took his seat next to her and turned on the car without asking where he headed to his house. It seemed that was okay with her as she got out once they were there waiting quietly at the front door for him to open it. She threw her purse on the chair and turned around to face him.
He could see that her breathing had increased as her chest moved up and down. Without moving her head she lifted her eyes staring at him in a way that undid him.
She stared at the man that meant everything to her for so long. Tears formed in her eyes as she really looked at him. He had always been such a handsome man but now he was his own man which just added to his power. He was all man oozing strength and sexuality.
"Bella…"
"Jasper…"
He laughed which broke the tension. She smiled and he saw some of the fear leave her but as quick as it left it returned and he had this horrible feeling he was not going to like what she told him.
"I need a damn smoke…" he announced heading past her and out into the back.
She found him sitting jeans rolled up soaking his feet in the pool. He took a drag and the smoke rolled up and through the air.
"Smoking is so bad for you. It makes you smell and have yellow teeth and bad breath," she said but honestly he never did.
"Somebody told me that once before but it is my last bad habit and I just can't kick it," he told her taking another drag.
"I understand," she said wondering when she was going to get the courage to tell him what she needed to.
"Do you?" he asked flicking the cigarette. He pulled out another one and lit it.
"Smoking, no but I understand the need for something that isn't good for you. I understand cravings," she told him struggling with some of her own.
"I doubt you wanted to be alone to talk about my bad habits or yours so Bella…" he said and she wanted to run.
So she did. She gave him one last look and walked inside and grabbed her purse heading for the door. Of course she never made it there. She heard his wet footsteps behind her and when he grabbed her spinning her around she dropped her purse and grabbed him into a passionate kiss.
Both were heaving and out of breath when the kiss broke apart. She didn't speak, couldn't. She grabbed his shirt into her hands yanking up and off. Hers followed. They ended up making love right there in the hall. It was hard and fast and the release both needed.
She awake to find herself sleeping in his bed. She moaned as she rolled over. The bed had always been perfect. She never slept better than when she was in this bed. Part of it might be from the contentment she found there and with whom.
"Are you hungry?" Jasper asked walking into the room. He was back in his jeans but shirtless. She was hungry but just not for food. She bit her lip and tried to think of something other then Jasper's chiseled chest and flat stomach.
"What time is it?" she asked.
"Only around six. I can make you some dinner."
"Alright," she said looking around for her clothes but they were no where around so she grabbed his robe. It smelled like him. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves.
She found him cutting vegetables in the kitchen.
"I have been cooking a lot. Once I stopped drinking I realized that I like to eat. I also realized that cooking for one is no fun," Jasper announced to her not knowing what else to say. even though they had made love he knew it could mean nothing. She was yet to tell him it was over with Edward.
"Can I help?" she said needing to nr busy.
"Sure, how about you get the carrots out of the fridge."
She did as he asked and as she turned around she stopped in her tracks. Spread across his back was this huge tattoo. She knew it was new. She hadn't seen it before and his skin still showed the signs of trauma.
"When did you get that?" she asked dropping the carrots on the counter to get a better look. She ran her finger over it and he shuddered.
"A few weeks ago…what do you think?" he asked holding his breath.
"It is huge and by the looks of it painful. Why?" she asked.
"For you…" he simply said thinking every thing he did was for her whether she knew it or not.
It was a full back piece. The main part of it was an angel with wings outspread holding in her hands a heart, "I always said that you were my angel sent from above and you always will be. The heart in your hands well is my heart. You have held it in the palm of your hands since day one and always will. Then there is my two other angels," he said and she looked closer. In the clouds floating around her feet was a little girl that was smiling back at her. She knew it was meant to be Sadie. Then there was a tiny baby that looked to be asleep floating. It only took her a second to realize that it was their other child. Tears stung her eyes as she reached out and touched him.
"I have never forgotten him. I never will. I carry him inside of me. I just wanted a way to finally show the world everything that meant anything to me," Jasper said turning to face her.
"Jasper…it is perfect just like you. I loved the boy that was looking to find his place in the world but I love the man more that finally realized that he didn't have to," she told him.
"What are you trying to tell me?" Jasper asked, holding his breath praying that this was really going to happen.
"I…"