Penelope was ashamed of few things more than the way she behaved at the house of a woman who offered to take her in, when Penelope's life fell apart. March was dawning crisp and cool. By now, Penelope had been sober for three months. She was doing outpatient work and weekly counseling and living in a sober house. She was eighteen now and didn't have Elle Greenaway breathing down her neck, but she checked in anyway, which was nicer than Penelope would admit. It was nice to have someone care about her, when they were not obligated.
Sometimes, Penelope read the Christmas card Emily gave her. She kept it close at hand and looked at it whenever she had difficult days. I see something in you, Emily had written. Something that reminds me of me at your age. There was a time when I was as lost as you feel. But I believe that if you want to, you can make the choice to heal and give something beautiful back to the world. I'm sorry for misleading you. But I am not sorry I met you. Please take care. Emily.
It was the message in the card that sent Penelope back to Emily's neighborhood on a Wednesday. She deliberately picked a time when the kids were in school because the last thing she wanted to do was freak them out. This wasn't about her, and fulfilling a need in herself to have a mother and three brothers again. This was about apologizing and doing something to make up for her actions in December.
She knocked on the door of the beautiful red brick house and waited. It looked more striking now that she was sober. She wished fervently that she hadn't screwed everything up and scared small children so badly that she wasn't allowed back inside.
"Yes?" Emily said, pulling the door open and staring.
Penelope's heart galloped in her chest. "It's me…" she said, "Penelope Garcia."
She hadn't realized that she changed so much that she might be unrecognizable. But the green hair was gone, replaced by her natural blonde. She wore fun, loud make-up and had some color in her face again. She looked healthy.
"Oh… Penelope… Is everything okay?" Emily asked, stepping outside and closing the door behind her.
"Everything's fine. I just…wanted to come by and apologize to you for everything. Drunk or not, grieving or not, I knew what I was doing was wrong and I'm so sorry for all the damage I caused to your house…and your boys… I'm sorry for calling you names…and making your life more difficult than it had to be. I don't have money to pay you back, but I was wondering if there was some work I could do to pay you back for the things I did."
"I'm not sure this is a good idea, Penelope…" Emily hedged.
"If you don't trust me in the house, I completely understand. I can stick to outside chores if you like. Anything you need. If it helps, I've been sober since that day. I'm really working on myself and I'm in counseling. Living at a sober house. I don't want to worm my way in or try to take advantage of you. I just want to do something, like you said. I want to give something beautiful back where I caused so much heartache."
"Come with me…" Emily said, and quietly led Penelope to the shed in the corner of her yard. "I've always wanted a garden, but I can't keep anything but the rocks out front," she smiled. "I can't do high-maintenance, but I've got some supplies here. Spades, seeds, and soil. I can't pay you. And I need you gone by the time the boys come home."
"Of course," Penelope nodded. Without another word, she gathered the things and got to work.
For the first few days, Emily didn't speak to Penelope. It wasn't that she was being petty; it was that she honestly didn't know what to say. In the past few months, she seemed to have transformed from a troubled, tortured soul into someone with a future and hope. It was Emily's dream for all the kids who passed through her doors, except she couldn't take credit for how Penelope was turning out. That was all her.
"Someone in your family must have a green thumb…" Emily mused, seeing the progress Penelope had made.
"My mother," she smiled. "And my step-dad, too. They both loved gardening. I always thought it was kind of a lame hobby…until now…" Penelope said, seeming suddenly sadder.
"You miss them," Emily observed.
Penelope nodded and Emily could see her pressing her lips together; willing herself not to speak.
"Go ahead," she urged.
"It's just…I was a terrible daughter while they were alive. Not the whole time, but the last couple years? I really…I don't know…just lost my way. Now, I'd give anything to feel close to them again." Penelope said wistfully.
Emily sat quietly, watching Penelope work. There wasn't much to say that wouldn't feel hollow and trite, so Emily stayed silent. She wondered if it was right to allow Penelope back after all the stress she'd caused. But the deeper part of Emily believed that everyone deserved a second chance. Penelope was doing her best to make things right. To do better. If there were appropriate boundaries in place, Emily didn't see why Penelope couldn't succeed in righting her wrongs.
Spencer missed his mother, the literature professor, so much. It sometimes hurt inside like a physical pain in his heart. He tried to ignore it, but it didn't do anything but make it worse. At night, he dreamed of her having episodes alone. Being scared of all the colors in the world, when they were just there to make the planet unique and special. He dreamed of her hurting herself when she got overwhelmed. He dreamed of her calling his name and him not being able to get to her because she was trapped and so was he. Sometimes, Anderson was there, taking him away. Spencer would fight and scream, but it never worked. He always woke up at Emily's and missed his mother even more.
Soon, March was going to turn into April. There was a new garden outside, magically. Spencer thought that government spies planted it, but Emily said they didn't. She said Penelope did, and that made him nervous, just like April made him nervous. That was the month Anderson took him away. Whenever Anderson came to check on him now, Spencer always ran and hid, because he didn't want to leave. But in April, it wouldn't matter how well he hid or how much Anderson said that he was just coming for a visit. Because April was the month for taking people.
Spencer got out of bed even though it was still dark and the moon was full. That was a sign. Derek told him Bob Dylan wasn't really spying on him. Emily told him colors were just colors, but sometimes, Spencer went back to his old way of thinking. Sometimes he was scared all the time. He didn't like the dark. He didn't like the dreams. He didn't like Penelope planting flowers for the government, and he didn't like April.
He sneaked out the back door and stood in the backyard bravely. "Come and get me!" he screamed. "I said come and get me! Take me to my mother!" Spencer yelled. It only made sense. In April, they had taken him away from his mother. Maybe this April, they would see that he and his mother were reunited. If the government had her already, it would make sense that they would go to the same place.
When nothing happened, Spencer sat down and waited. It was cold and windy. His green pajamas didn't protect him from the weather that much. Slowly, he felt the fear come inside his body. It was so, so dark out here. Where Bob Dylan and the government could see him. Anxiety grew inside him like a fire. He pulled at his pajamas, until his sleeves came up. He scratched his face like he'd seen his mother do. He looked at the grass. Green. Green meant go.
He had to go, or something terrible would happen.
So, he ran down the street, not the sidewalk, until he got to Dave and Carolyn's house. Dave worked for the government. Dave could probably send messages or get him to his mother. Why hadn't he thought of that before?
He knocked at the door frantically. When no one answered, he threw himself at it. He couldn't breathe and he couldn't see because he was crying. He wanted to see his mother. He didn't want to get taken away but it was going to happen all because of April. The world was too confusing.
"Let me in!" he screamed. "Please! I need to come in!"
"Whoa, whoa, kiddo… What is it?" Dave asked. He looked different in pajamas.
"I need you to let me get back to my mother!" he exclaimed, out of breath. "I can't let her be alone."
Dave quickly brought Spencer inside and locked the door behind them. He surveyed the child. Cold, rumpled, and scratched in the face…and very clearly sleepwalking. Dave stared more intently. "Spencer, are you awake? Come on and wake up. Look at me kiddo."
Spencer's face crumbled and he started to cry. For the first time since Dave had met him, he was completely unable to communicate. He just cried and cried. Dave held him on his lap and tried soothing him gently.
"We'll get it figured out. It's okay. I'm not mad, all right? We'll just call Emily and let her know you're safe." He hung up with Emily just in time for Spencer to wind himself up again.
"I…want…my…mother!" Spencer gasped, tears running down his cheeks. "My…real…mother!"
"I see…" Dave said sadly, and hugged him a little tighter. "Did you have a bad dream?"
"Yes!" he insisted, near hysteria. "Can you…tell…the government to take me…too…please?"
"Spencer, the government didn't take your mother," Dave said certainly.
"The state….then… It's a state…hospital…" he managed. "Tell them to take me, too! I need to be there! I need her! I can't be in this world. It's too scary. I'll be crazy, too! I'll be like her and then you'll have to let us be together…" Spencer insisted, seeming less and less coherent.
"Hey…hey… I don't know a lot about your situation, all right? But I know your mother loves you very much. She doesn't want you in a hospital. She wants you to grow up happy and healthy at Emily's house, right? She signed some papers when your case worker came to pick you up, I bet."
Spencer sniffed and forced himself to think back. She had signed papers. Could Dave be right? "But I miss her…" he insisted, his voice breaking. "And it's almost April, so I thought it might be backward custody or something. Like a really long April Fool's joke. Last year I got taken away. This year, I could go back…"
"That's not the way it works, Spencer. You're still a very little boy and I know there are some things that are difficult for you to understand. I'm going to be very honest with you. There is no backward custody. It's not a joke. You live with Emily now. Your mother will never stop loving you or missing you, but your home is with Emily. No one is coming to take you away. Even in April."
"But I want them to," he sighed into Dave's chest. "I miss my mother…"
"I'm sorry about that. I'm going to take you back to Emily's now, okay?" he said gently.
Spencer nodded into his shoulder.
As promised, Dave delivered Spencer safely into Emily's arms, and pressed a small tape recorder into her palm. From his days as a cop, he couldn't break the habit of having one nearby, and he had recorded the conversation for Emily's notes and for Spencer's therapist. They needed to be aware of what was going on with this boy.
"What happened, buddy? Huh?" Emily asked, holding Spencer and the tape recorder awkwardly. She dropped it off in her bedside table drawer and returned to the living room where she sat on the couch with Spencer who was still crying. "Why did you go to Dave's house? It's really late at night?"
Derek and Aaron appeared almost simultaneously. Aaron stayed silent but Derek asked if everything was okay.
"Yes, everything's fine. I need you to go back to bed. I love you both," she said, focusing on Spencer, who couldn't be consoled. The only clue Emily had gathered from Dave was that Spencer had sleepwalked, and that he missed his mother.
She made a note to call his therapist right away and schedule him an extra appointment. Most kids grieved the loss of their former lives sooner, but Spencer was a special little guy. He intellectualized until he couldn't anymore. Now, he just cried. So, Emily just held him and rocked him.
She just assured him that everything would be okay. They would get through this together.
A/N: Spencer's grief has finally hit him. Poor little guy. Hopefully now he can start to heal. And Penelope's back, too. Feel free to share your thoughts! I was so happy to see so many of you enjoying this when I woke up this morning!