AN: Off to the island to drink beer and bury my feet in the sand. I was just going to rest up for rescuing the kids from tiny crabs and seals, but my friend Suebee needs some laughs so I shall provide them for her.

Enjoy!

Chapter 21

There was no way I was going to pull this off so I wasn't even going to try.

"Edward, you stink. I can't stand the way you floss your teeth at the table after eating buffalo wings. You like watching French pornos and quite frankly I like to enjoy a really graphic horror film." He looked at me with his mouth hanging open as I yelled so Charlie could hear me. Wait. . . Was he the one who was supposed to be breaking up with me? "I can't believe you slept with you sister!"

His face was a mix of repulsion and shock. "Bella, I—"

I slammed the front door in his face. It was so much fun. Edward wasn't allowed to be mad at me. This was all his stupid idea. He knew I was a firecracker when he met me.

"I'm moving in with Mom. I broke up with Edward. He's doing the horizontal mambo with Rosalie. This is disgusting for so many reasons and I'm heartbroken." I wiped imaginary tears from my eyes. I knew Edward was angrily stomping around the front yard. "I need Mommy. I love the way she listens to my sadness and comforts me as I snuggle in her bosom."

Charlie was sitting on his favorite Lazy-boy chair and choked on the beer he was drinking. He was laughing hysterically. Through the guffaws, he managed to bark, "Bullshit."

That made me laugh too. "I know. You should have seen Edward's face! He was devastated and it serves him right for being bossy about what I like to eat."

"He wants you to eat more vegetables? Kid, that's gross," Charlie gave me a thumb's up. "Your revenge practical jokes are the best. Doesn't he know that you would never willing go visit Renee?"

I perched on the arm of his chair. "I have no clue where Renee even is. I guess she is hanging out some bar and drinking margaritas while Phil strikes out on the field. Listen. Alice has a plan."

"Alice? I like that girl. If I was a few years younger—" My dad started to say wiggling his eyebrows.

"It would still be gross," I reminded him. This just made him laugh harder. "Calm down, old man. You're too old to be this giddy. Alice wants to take me on a trip. It will be a long weekend and i would only be missing a field trip so—"

Charlie tapped his knee. "How much is this gonna cost me?"

"It's free."

"Have fun. Don't drink and drive. If you need help, call Carlisle." Dad raised his beer up in a salute.

I stood up. "Oh I won't mind calling Dr. DILF."

"Now that is gross, kid." Dad looked thoughtful. "This might be perfect. I'm think I'm going to go on a fishing weekend with Billy. I'll take Winston. Jacob is scared if him. It's hysterical!"

"A nice romantic weekend with Billy sounds great. Use protection, Pop." I gave his two thumbs up as he gave me the middle finger. Charlie was truly the father of the year. "I'm going to pack."

"Leaving already?"

I gave Charlie a big smile. "For dramatic purposes, you know."

"French pornos?" Charlie asked as I walked up the stairs.

"Don't get too excited, Charlie. There's nudity but it's all discussion about philosophy and smoking unfiltered cigarettes. Totally right up Ed's alley."

XXXXXX

My acting was not as appreciated by the irate vampire who sat on the end of my bed glaring at me. I thought it was best to appease the beast by straddling him.

Winston was on his cat bed giving Edward the evil eye. My cat was the best.

"You wanna make-out, pumpkin head? I bet your crazy sister already packed my bag with slutty designer wear that I'm going to destroy with scissors. Won't it be fun when I force her into Walmart to buy me some really horrible new clothes? I'm thinking an I'm With Stupid tee-shirt and a Dickies trucker hat." I kissed his ear and he remained frozen.

He looked at me and hissed, "You didn't follow any of the plan I gave you. Not one little thing, Isabella! How can I keep you safe if you're acting like a child?"

"First of all, Gramps, I am a child legally and you can be put in prison for frolicking with a minor. Second, your idea is idiotic because your brain hasn't matured past adolescence. Finally, running off to hunt some dude you know nothing about is a dangerous fool's errand. Don't get me started on leaving me in a hotel with Vampire Vera Wang and her boy toy who wants to eat me for lunch. That's some real big pile of stupid right there." I moved my body over his lap. "Let's have some fun before Alice comes get me and those hippie vampires rip off your head, Superboy."

Edward's eyes rolled to the back of his head at the motions, but he quickly stopped it by holding tightly on my hips. "Isabella, I can't! I could hurt you! We're not joined in married bliss. You're human and must remain unblemished! Isabella, you are my perfect, virginal angel."

Oh god.

"I want to be your dirty devil girl." I took his face in my hands and kissed him hard. "I'm not going to deflower you tonight, Edward. That might scar poor Charlie for life "

"Then what do you want to do?" He looked positively terrified.

"My boy, I am sending you out to the world seeing a pair of boobs." I took off my shirt and tossed it behind Edward.

He stared at my bra. "I've seen them in paintings."

"These puppies are real and I'll let you pet them, Cullen." My bra was quickly taken off and joined my shirt. Edward gulped.

Grabbing his hands, I placed them on my breasts. "You can squeeze them. They're like soft tiny pillows. My boobs are definitely tiny like those little throw pillows that you would use in a doll bed. I mean I guess it's not completely about size but form of the—"

Edward let out a moan and his face screwed up. It only took a few seconds and he blew a load inside of his pressed baseball pants.

He buried his face in my shoulder "I'm so embarrassed."

"It's okay, my five-second pumpkin. I'll get you to a minute in no time." I patted his shoulder as Alice's car horn blew loudly in the driveway. "Saved by the Alice,

He handed me my shirt and kissed my head. "We should be going. I'll meet you outside."

Then it hit me as he was half out of the window.

"Hey, Edward?"

He stopped looking worried. "Yes?"

"I have question before I go with Alice and Jasper."

Edward gave me a reassuring smile. "It will be okay, my Bella. We will keep you safe and —"

"Not that. You neutered vampires couldn't keep a cactus alive. I can keep myself breathing. I have something more important to ask."

"Yes, my love?"

"Does vampire sperm sparkle too?"