Chapter Twenty-One

The Doctor pressed his finger against the button on the side of the razor and the low buzzing sound stopped immediately. He stood behind Zoe in front of her bathroom mirror that stretched from ceiling to floor. She was sat in a chair in front of him, swallowed up by a pair of his old pyjamas that hung loosely off of her thin frame. Her skin was over-sensitive from a mixture of the drugs he had running through her system, and the psychological effects of what she was dealing with regarding the aftermath of her experience. Her clothes all felt too tight and so he'd rummaged through the wardrobe to find a pair of pyjamas that he had thrown into the wash for her and then let Rose help her put on.

With gentle fingers, he brushed the remnants of her hair from her ears and lifted the towel off her shoulders.

Three days she'd spent in the sickbay, drifting in and out of consciousness, occasionally screaming with such terror that it scared both him and Rose. One or both of them was always with her at all times. Rose needed more sleep than he did so he often found himself in the position of sitting up and simply watching her sleep, or reading aloud to her when she blinked up at the ceiling, consciousness returning to her and, with it, her memory of what had happened. She hadn't spoken much except to say please and thank you and to tell him which book she wanted him to read.

There was a period of a few hours though, not long after he was sure that she would make a full physical recovery, where he left the girls in the sickbay with a laptop open between them so that they could watch a film and returned to Tolandra. It wasn't difficult to find out who had been responsible for Zoe's torture and when he'd left the large, airy flat, he was certain that Officer Tol would never again be able to work in any branch of the government. He hadn't harmed her, at least not physically, but he did make sure that she regretted her part in the torture of his friend.

He would never tell Zoe though.

He wasn't sure if she would approve or not.

She'd forgiven him for worse things but those hadn't been done in her name.

He set the electric razor down on her sink and used the folded towel to brush the loose strands from her hair. Her jailers had done a bad job although he supposed they weren't focused on making sure that it was an even buzz cut. He had smoothed it out so that it was uniform. She was fortunate that her head was a nice shape – nice, smooth, and oval. The buzz cut suited her even if it was obvious that she hated it. Her healed fingers reached up to touch her new hair, brushing over the stubble, before smoothing her palm over it.

"I look like an alien." She said, her large eyes hooded by dark, sleepless bruises staring at her reflection in the mirror.

The Doctor was able to smile at that, tossing the towel into her laundry basket after shaking the hair into the sink.

"You are an alien." He told her.

She threw him an unimpressed look. "My head's weird."

"Your head's lovely." He promised her, resting his palm on the top of it. His hand was so large it covered most of her head. "Like an egg."

She frowned at him in the mirror. "I don't think that's a compliment."

"Why not?" He protested. "What's wrong with eggs?"

"Nothin'." She replied. "Just don't want to look like one."

He stroked his hand back off of her head. "If it really bothers, I know a great place where we can get you a wig until your hair grows back. Any colour you like, any style too."

"What's the point?" She sighed, curling in on herself, looking like a wounded animal trying to prevent further injury; his hearts ached for her. "Won't actually solve anythin'. I'll still know the truth."

"Well, if you change your mind." He said, offering her his hand and he helped her to her feet, steadying her when she swayed dangerously.

Her strength had deserted her in the aftermath of her experience and had yet to return; it left her feeling weak and vulnerable. She could still barely stand on her own two feet without help. Not that he minded being her support as his arm was hers whenever she wanted it. She'd regained a little of her strength, enough so that she could at least lift a spoon to her mouth allowing her to feed herself – a small dignity that she fought for at every meal. It was obvious that her helplessness bothered her, even though Rose and the Doctor didn't mind playing the roles of her assistants. She hadn't yet lost her temper but she rode a wave of irritability and it was difficult to predict when sharp, biting words would spill from her mouth.

As it was, she was forced to lean her slight weight against him and her feet shuffled slowly out of the bathroom. They made their way towards her bed where the covers were pulled back and a hot water bottle, courtesy of Rose who'd stuck her head in to say goodnight earlier, were waiting for her. He helped her sit on the edge and crouched to lift her legs into bed, tucking her in and removing her slippers at the same time.

"Oh, no." Zoe whined softly when he reached for her medication that he had left on her bedside table next to the book that they were reading.

"Sorry." The Doctor apologised softly, pushing her sleeve up with one hand. "It's for your own good."

"It makes me feel weird." She sulked with a pout, face contorting when he pressed the tube against her warm skin and depressed the medication into her system. "Makes my teeth go numb."

"Can you normally feel your teeth?" He asked curiously, interested at a new aspect of human biology he hadn't been aware of.

She pushed her tongue out at him and he watched the medication take effect. Her eyes turned liquid, unable to focus too strongly on any particular point in her bedroom, and her entire body relaxed into the bed. He observed her quietly, watching as her fingers flexed and curled against her duvet covers. He knew she hated the medication and he hated having to make her take it, but it really did help her. She made a few sounds in her throat and he tugged her sleeve back down. Her hand caught his and she tangled their fingers together. She stared down at their joined hands and started laughing to herself, pressing her cheek into her pillow, glazed eyes amused..

"Alien hand." She giggled and even though she was drugged with a powerful relaxing agent that helped to speed along the healing of her wounds and allow her mind to rest so that she could sleep without nightmares, he smiled at the sound of her laughter.

"Yours or mine?" He asked, rubbing his thumb softly over her knuckles.

"Dunno." She replied loosely, her words slipping together. "We're both aliens. To each other. And other people...specially the Tolandrans."

"Yes, we are." He said carefully.

She hadn't mentioned the Tolandrans since she was carried her out of her cell and secured safely within the TARDIS.

"It was a pretty planet." She told him, head rolling back and forth against the pillow, feeling the material beneath her skull and, judging from the expression on her face, finding it a peculiar sensation. "Diamond trees. You took me to see diamond trees."

He sighed quietly, rubbing her hand with his. "I did."

"Diamond trees, and pretty flowers." She crooned softly, battling against her heavy eyelids to stay awake. She did it every time. She never just let the medication sweep her away. "Such a pretty, pretty thing..."

"Pretty planet," she exhaled, mouth twisting. "Ugly, ugly people"

His chest tightened at her words.

"With small minds," she continued around a yawn, "and smaller ideas."

Her mouth continued to move but no sound came out as her eyes started to fall shut and she slipped into her drug-induced sleep. He exhaled shakily, and placed his hand gently on her forehead.

"Home sweet home." The Doctor said, opening the TARDIS doors to the roof of Rose and Zoe's building on the Powell Estate. Normally he parked in the grey courtyard but the thought of Zoe walking up all the stairs in the building made him feel exhausted. "Ah. It's raining. Great. Is it summer? Hold on, ladies, let me just check."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Honestly. You think he'd be better at this."

"Apparently it's difficult to pilot with just one person." Zoe replied, mouth curving into a small smile that pleased Rose.

"Both of you are horrible." The Doctor said cheerily although he was personally dreading the visit. He popped up behind them like a Jack-in-the-box and Rose grinned at him. Zoe raised her eyebrows, her body leaning heavily against the door although she was trying not to show how weak she was feeling. "We're in the right place. It's just bad weather. Trust Britain to have rain in the summer."

"You going to melt, Doctor?" Zoe asked him, taking his offered arm with quiet gratitude and they left the TARDIS.

"Possibly." He sniffed and she looked away, amused.

It was only a fine drizzle but it did make the estate look uglier than normal, coating it in a grey haze. Still, it was nice to be home. Her body ached, although not as badly as it had done, and she still was exhausted all the time. She was exhausted from walking the few steps it took her to get to the bathroom. She was exhausted from eating the food that was placed in front of her. She was exhausted from turning the pages of her book. She was exhausted from breathing. Everything made her feel so impossibly tired that she was exhausted from being exhausted as well.

The one thing that exhausted her the most though were her nightmares.

They made her twist and turn in the middle of the night, contorting her abused body and pulling at her spine as she stretched against the shadow of pain that tormented her. She would always wake with a scream ripping out of her throat and her body drenched in sweat. The Doctor was always there to help steady her mind afterwards but her body still throbbed from the torment that her mind put her through each night. It was just flashes of memory – a burst of heat that seared her skin; the tightening of cuffs around her wrists and ankles...just small flashes but enough to send the terror racing through her.

The Doctor sat by her bed the night before, his hand in hers, and had gently let her know that when she stopped taking her medication, her nightmares would probably increase in intensity and duration. A spike of fear had lanced through her and her fingers reflexively tightened around his but he promised her ,in that sincere way that only he could pull off, that he would help her through them if she let him. She didn't like the thought of vocalising what happened to her in her sleep. It was bad enough that it crept up on her during her waking hours – in the middle of a conversation with Rose, or when she stood under the spray of the shower – the thought of having to speak about it made her stomach churn. The Doctor hesitantly suggested going to see a therapist because it helps to talk, it always helps to talk. He knew someone that he could take her to see if she wanted to go down that route.

She wondered whether he'd spoken to anyone after Gallifrey had burned. She didn't imagine he had. He didn't seem to be the type of person to help himself in the way that he helped others.

Rose pushed open the door to the flat. "Mum, we're home!"

"And on time too!" Jackie exclaimed happily, Rose moving forward to meet her with a tight hug so as to give Zoe a few extra seconds. "Oh, darling, it's good to see you. I've missed you. C'mon, get in, get in, I want to see –"

Jackie fell silent when she set eyes on Zoe who looked, to someone who had not seen her since her experience, objectively awful. Her hair was shorn, her face hollow, dark circles beneath her eyes, and her body leaning against the Doctor as though he was the only thing holding her up.

"Hi, mum." Zoe said, raising a hand to waggle her fingers although she was barely able to move them. She let her hand drop through the silence.

Jackie stared, mouth slack in surprise. "Zoe, sweetheart, what happened?"

"I'm fine, mum, don't fret." She replied, pushing away from the Doctor and moving forward with unsteady footsteps. Jackie met her and folded her into her embrace, her arms gentle as her eyes met the Doctor's over her shoulder and flashed with anger.

The Doctor looked down at his feet.

Rose cleared her throat uncomfortably. "I'll – er – I'll put the kettle on, shall I?"

It took a while to tell Jackie what had happened as both of her daughters were hesitant to come outright and tell her the truth. She wasn't an idiot though, at least not when it came to her daughters. She heard the words they didn't say. She could see the grey pallor of Zoe's face, and took in the way her hands trembled slightly as she held her cup of tea and came to the conclusion that the Doctor was to blame.

His ears were still ringing with the slap that she had given him. His jaw ached and his skin felt as though it was still on fire. He relegated himself to the kitchen after Rose made certain that Jackie was unlikely to actually kill him, although he thought that it would be best not to be alone with her for a while. He could have left the flat and gone back to the TARDIS but he was reluctant to be out of shouting distance in case Zoe needed him. He busied himself with fixing Jackie's washing machine. In one of her phone calls with Zoe, she mentioned that it had been running funny lately, and if it made her feel a little less inclined to not slap him again, then he would be satisfied with that.

Rose had left to visit with Shareen, and to give Jackie and Zoe some time alone. As he stuck his arm up around the back of the washing machine, he could pick up the sounds of Jackie and Zoe talking softly in the other room. The worry and fear that laced Jackie's voice made him feel sick, his mouth going slick with bile.

"Why don't you stay home, huh?" Jackie suggested gently. The Doctor could easily imagine her stroking her palm over the short stubble on Zoe's head. "You've already done your exploring, seen all sorts of things. So why don't you just come home? Keep your old mum company."

"You're not old, mum." Zoe said quietly, a soft little sigh slipping from her mouth. "And I don't want to."

A tight knot of tension that had existed in the Doctor's chest since he had seen her slumped naked in her cell eased so quickly that he felt breathless and light headed. He hadn't realised how terrified he had been of the prospect of her wanting to leave. It had happened before. Companions, friends, who had left because his life got hard and dark. He remembered Tegan walking away from him in the dark basement. It's not fun any more, Doctor. He knew Zoe would leave. They all did eventually. He just wanted it to be when she was good and ready, not because he'd messed up and ruined her life. Yet between him yelling at her after Thanatos, and then the Dalek in Utah, and now Tolandra, he wouldn't have been surprised if she had wanted to leave. She had had a rougher deal than his friends usually got when they first came onboard.

"But –" he recognised Jackie's exasperated tone of voice as one he'd used on his children often enough over the centuries. The memory made his mouth twist into a sad smile.

"I know you don't get it." Zoe replied. "I don't really get it either. All I know is that this is something I have to do."

"You've been tortured." Her mother replied, low and angry. "Don't think I don't know that. You two can weave whatever story you think I want to hear but I'm not stupid, love."

"I've never thought you were."

"What is it about that man that drives my daughters batty?" She demanded, frustration seeping into her very being. Prone against the washing machine, the Doctor held impossibly still for Zoe's response, his arm going numb.

"He's a good man, mum." She said, lightly amused. "You'd know that if you stopped slappin' him for five minutes." Jackie huffed. "And it's not him, not really. It's more...it's more his life, the way he lives for every moment. He doesn't waste a single second and it's – it's amazing. I didn't know it was possible to live so much."

There was a beat of silence. "Is it still amazin' when it's bad?"

"God no," Zoe replied without missing a beat, "it fucking sucks then." Jackie snorted with laughter while a grin flashed across the Doctor's face. "But it sucks less than it's amazing. If it starts to go the other way, if it starts to suck more, then I'll think about coming home, but right now? Right now, I'm good."

"Well," Jackie sighed. "I always thought you were a little cracked in the head."

"Gotta take after you somehow," Zoe said before - "ow!"

They stayed with Jackie for a week.

Or rather Rose and Zoe stayed with Jackie for a week. The Doctor hid in the TARDIS for fear of finding himself alone with Jackie Tyler. Without Rose or Zoe to run interference, he was afraid that she might force a regeneration on him and - big ears aside - he was fond of his current body. He did appear at the end of every night to help Zoe back to the TARDIS. She slept a grand total of three hours in her mother's flat before she woke up screaming and it was decided all around that sleeping in the TARDIS was better for everyone - Jackie didn't need another noise complaint.

The Doctor then made the mistake of asking about the first noise complaint.

"I got myself a new boyfriend." Jackie said with a grin. "'S name's Howard. He sells fruit down at the market."

"What does that have to do with a noise complaint?"

Jackie laughed and he didn't like it. "Don't know how I thought you were some sex pervert. Pure as snow you, honestly."

It took him longer than he would have liked to understand what she was getting at and it was a combination of Rose's red-faced amusement and Zoe shaking with laughter in his arms that he realised what she meant. He looked disgusted.

"Hell, Jackie!" He exclaimed, horrified as his ears burned red. "I don't want to know that!"

She shrugged carelessly, eyes glittering with amusement. "You asked."

"And now I'm going to have to bleach my brain, thanks." He scowled, hands gentle with Zoe and Jackie looked far too pleased with herself as they left the flat.

Once making sure that Zoe was in safe hands, Rose disappeared to spend a week with her friends. She would go out at night and spend the morning and early afternoon nursing a hangover, trying to wheedle someone into making her a cooked breakfast. Jackie surrendered only once and then set about making as much noise as possible until Rose retired to the sofa in defeat. It was rinse and repeat every night. As Mickey was off somewhere for a lads holiday - the Doctor hadn't paid that much attention - he spent most of his time tinkering in the TARDIS and fussing over Zoe.

"He's like a mother hen, that one." Jackie said when he slipped out of the living room after having draped a blanket over Zoe's lap and made her a fresh pot of tea - her favourite blend from 14th century China.

"He just worries." Zoe replied as the front door shut behind him.

Once, when Jackie had to work - she was doing a zero-contract job at the hairdressers and she had to be ready to work whenever they called - he took her out in Bessie. The look on her face when he drove his beloved open-top yellow car out of the TARDIS was worth the trouble of unearthing her. He took her to parts of London even she'd never seen - dismissed as too expensive or too touristic. Her strength climbing back into her with a combination of fresh air, her mother's cooking, and long naps in the middle of the day, she was able to enjoy their day out.

All in all, it was a nice interlude after the horror of Tolandra.

It was the morning of August 17th that everyone was looking forward to as that was A Level results day.

The plan was for Zoe to collect her results, everyone to celebrate, and for them to then leave the next morning so long as everything went according to plan, which was always an uncertainty when it came to them. The Doctor drove Zoe to her college and waited for her in the car as she walked under her own strength with her rainbow cane at her side. He waited thirty minutes for her and just as he was starting to worry she'd collapsed somewhere, he saw her emerge from the building. He resisted the urge to leap out and help her. He suspected he was one good intentioned arm offer away from being impaled on her cane. He did however lean over and open the door for her, looking closely at her face for signs of her results.

"Well?" He asked her. "Do we celebrate? Do we need to go back in time so you can sit them again?"

"I thought you said crossing your own personal timeline is a strict no-no."

He smiled. "It is, but I'll make an exception for you. Just this once, mind."

She looked pleased at that. "Maybe I'll take you up on it, but I haven't actually opened them yet."

"Why not?" He asked, surprised. "You want your mum and Rose here?"

She shook her head. "Just nervous, I s'pose...which is stupid. It's not like these mean everything to me any more. Not after everything I've seen over the last few months...but..."

"But they're still important to you." The Doctor said. "It makes sense. You've worked hard on them. Go on. Open them."

She paused over the envelope with her name neatly printed on the front.

"What if I've failed everything?" She asked abruptly, allowing her worry to shine through because she knew he wouldn't tease her for it.

"Then you take them again." He told her simply.

She didn't seem to hear him.

"God, what was I thinking?" She moaned. "I'm just a stupid chav from the estate. I shouldn't have got above myself. Mum warned me -"

He sucked his finger in his mouth and then stuck it into her ear. She yelped and recoiled from him. She stared at him in horror.

"What the fuck, Doctor?"

"You're not a stupid chav from the estate." The Doctor said sternly. "And you've not got above yourself. You're pursuing an education and that is a worthwhile endeavour for anyone, regardless of their socio-economic background. Now open your results."

"Jesus." She muttered, shoulders around her ears and eyes darting warily towards him, but she slid her finger beneath the seal anyway. "Strict teacher on Gallifrey, were you?"

The Doctor just rolled his eyes towards the clear blue sky whilst trying not to smile.

There was silence and he glanced over at her. She'd unfolded the paper within and was reading her results with her mouth slightly opened, lips twitching with the words on the page in front of her. She blinked and, without saying a word, she held the sheet of paper out to him and he took it. He didn't understand a few of the things written as Susan had never sat her A-Levels, but he could divine their general meaning from context so he cast his eyes over what he did understand.

Further Mathematics A

Modern History A

English Literature A

French A

Biology A

"Zoe!" The Doctor beamed from ear to ear, looking over at her slumped in her seat with her cane between her knees and her hands over her eyes. "These are fantastic!"

She groaned, looking simultaneously relieved and sick to her stomach. She uncovered her eyes.

"I did it." She said, sounding punch drunk. "I actually did it."

He smiled a deeply fond and affectionate smile. "You did. C'mere."

She spilled over Bessie's handbrake and gear stick to sink into his arms. He hugged her tightly, making the most of it because he knew that she would one day leave him and he wanted to remember every moment of being able to celebrate something important with her. He rubbed his cheek over her soft stubble and drew a laugh from her. She pulled back and wiped at her eyes self-consciously.

She rapped him lightly on the thigh.

"C'mon then," she said, "let's go home. Mum'll be thrilled."

Thrilled was an understatement.

Jackie let out a scream of delight that had the neighbours banging on the walls and Rose clapping her hands over her ears, being unfortunate enough to be standing right next to her at the time of the explosion. She kept tight hold of Zoe's results - I'm goin' to frame them! Yes, I am! Put 'em right on the wall next to your baby pictures! - hugged her daughter so tightly that Zoe thought her eyes would fall out before she leapt onto the phone to call everyone in her phone book starting with Bev.

The three of them watched her with varying degrees of amusement before the Doctor looked down at Zoe.

"Fish and chips?" He offered and her face lit up.

"Ooo, yes, please." She said. "Extra everything."

"Extra everything, coming right up."