The drive home was a quiet one. They'd spent nearly 5 hours at the hospital by the time they left, taking the last hour to regain enough composure to make it back to the hotel. Eddie's discharge orders were to return right away if she felt things were getting worse or if she was in a lot of pain, and to follow up with her own doctor as soon as they returned to New York. The nurse had already called and left a message with her doctor's office saying that Eddie would be in with the next few days.

"Can you just hold me all night?" Eddie asked Jamie as they neared the hotel.

"Of course, Eddie", he answered, "I don't think either of us would want to be any place but with each other tonight." They really needed each other after the heartbreak they'd been handed.

They arrived at the hotel at some ghastly hour of the night. "We're leaving first thing tomorrow," Jamie said as Eddie changed into her preferred pajamas, a pair of Jamie's old workout shorts and a faded Harvard tee.

"No, we are not," Eddie replied. "I don't want to think about traveling and we still have to visit your old stomping grounds. I am not letting this ruin what was for the most part a wonderful first vacation."

Knowing that as sad as he was, Eddie was hurting far more, Jamie gave in. She would tell him if she changed her mind. Exhausted both physically and emotionally, they got into bed and snuggled up close to one another and laid there in silence for the longest time, until the sorrow came flooding back. "I'm sorry," said Eddie as she began to cry again.

"Eddie", said Jamie, embracing and pulling her near, "Don't apologize like you did something wrong. You didn't, it's just one of those things that's nobody's fault, sometimes bad things just happen." Deep down, she knew that, but it seemed like someone needed to be blamed for what felt like the cruelest joke on earth. They'd been so happy the past few days, once he adjusted to the idea of a baby, and before they even got to tell anyone else, every ounce of that happiness had been snatched away and replaced with pain and loss.

"It's not fair!" she screamed.

"I know", said Jamie.

"Why couldn't it have all been okay? Why couldn't we have been one of those couples who go in afraid of the worst and find out things are alright?!" sobbed Eddie.

"I don't know, my love," said Jamie, his voice cracking, "I don't know."

They slept late the next morning, they didn't have an itinerary for the day. Jamie got some breakfast then called back into bed with Eddie. Jamie managed to go back to sleep, but Eddie just laid there thinking about everything. "I wonder if it was a boy or a girl…" she thought to herself. She laid with her back to Jamie, not wanting to wake him, and silently sobbed into her pillow. After a couple minutes, she felt his arm wrap around her, and she snuggled in as close as she could get to him and cried until her head hurt. Jamie just held her close, wishing he could take the pain away.

A little before noon, Eddie pushed herself up in bed. "Okay, Reagan…I want to see all the places that you used to bring the ladies to when you were in school."

"Eddie, are you sure you're up to this?" Jamie asked with concern. "I mean, you have to be bleeding kind of heavy…"

"I'm fine, Jamie. I can't just sit here and wonder you know. Let's go." Eddie got up and dressed in comfortable pants, a loose top, and shoes. "You have to take me to that all you can eat wing joint, too."

Jamie sighed and got dressed. He knew Eddie was putting up walls, trying not to feel. He would indulge her for the most part.

Jamie drove them to Harvard Yard and park the car. He held Eddie's hand, 'That building there, that's the law school. And that big tree, that's where I used to sit and study. That's the tree where I went to think, or anything. If I had a fight with Syd, if Danny was being a jerk…"

"Can we go there? I want to see it up closer."

Jamie nodded and they strolled the winding paths of his alma mater. "There it is, just a big old oak, but it's been her nearly as long as the school has. Has a nice sense of history here." Jamie reached into his backpack and laid a blanket down for Eddie and him to sit on. Jamie sat down and held Eddie's back to him wrapping his arms around her middle. "You know Eddie," Jamie said gently. "Baby, we can try again. If you are ready for a family, if you are ready for that step, Sweetie, we can try again as soon as the doctor says it's safe."

Eddie sighed and laid her head on Jamie's chest. Sitting below the tree, in his arms felt so right. "Things are fine as they are," Eddie sighed. "It's like you said, my being pregnant was a sigh that it was time to go out and tell, well this miscarriage is a sign to keep our mouths shut, that's all."

"Eddie, I know I was the one that said…"

"Jamie, I want to keep things like they are now, okay. I want to leave it…" Eddie's voice cracked.

"All right, sweetheart, but know this, when you are ready, no more waiting…Waiting only makes regrets."

Eddie nodded and sighed breathing in the same air Jamie breathed in I while he was studying here. "Do you ever regret that you made the choices you did?" she asked after ten minutes of silence.

"Never," Jamie said quickly. "I only regret the time I wasted here when I could have been at the academy. If I was a cop already maybe I could have done something to…"

"Oh, Jamie, I'm so sorry!" Eddie gasped. "I am so sorry, I should never have insisted we come here! Oh my God!" Eddie got up and started to pack their things working herself into a frenzy.

"Eddie!" Jamie jumped to his feet trying to soothe her. "Eddie, what's wrong?"

"This is where you were…"

"Where I was?" Jamie asked. "Oh…Oh, Eddie." Jamie reached for her. He'd be lying if he said he didn't feel the loss more acutely here, where he was when he found out about Joe's murder, but there was no need for her to get all upset about it.

Jamie reached for her and pulled her close, "Ssh," Jamie soothed. "Ssh…I'm fine, sweetheart. I'm fine. Don't let your feelings over what happened bleed over into this. Yes, losing Joe stings more here than even at his grave, the memory is fresh here…but Eddie…I want to make new memories."

Eddie took some deep shaky breaths, "I think I want to go back. I don't feel very well."

Eddie was pale and shaking in Jamie's arms. The wound of Joe's death were open and bleeding again, all he wanted to do was go back home. "Let's rest a while and start for home." Jamie held Eddie close and tight. "Come on, Sweetheart."

Jamie held her hands as they walked back to the car. When they pulled into the hotel Jamie took Eddie upstairs, "Lie down. Are you bleeding badly?"

Eddie shook her head, "I just can't believe I was so selfish. That's why the baby didn't live. I'm too selfish to be a mother. I never thought about you and how you'd feel being back where you were when your brother died."

Jamie shook his head furiously at the thought Eddie was anything but caring. He sat on the bed next to her taking her shaking hand in his. "That is not true Eddie, you're a great person and will make a great mother."

Eddie's whole body shook, upset and full of guilt.

"Eddie look at me, the baby not living is not your fault, and I wanted to show you my old stomping grounds."

When Eddie didn't answer Jamie continued, "I didn't become a cop right away because my mom didn't want me to but if I had become a cop maybe I could have saved my brother. That tree is where I went when I found out but it has nothing to do with you. I wanted to make a happier memory, and you in my arms under that tree that was the happiest memory of all."

Eddie shifted in Jamie's arms, sobbing into his chest. "I already loved that baby, Jamie."

Jamie sighed, he hadn't been as gung ho about the prospect of parenthood as Eddie had been, but his heart still ached for the child they created and it's incredibly short life inside Eddie's body. "I know you did, I know…" Jamie rocked her in his arms. "We'll talk to the doctor when we get back to New York, and if you want to try, we will. I love you so much, I want us to marry one day and have a big a family as you can stand." Jamie brushed Eddie's hair and laid her down as he felt her body grow heavy. "Rest now, I'll be right here. I still owe you some wings."

Eddie laughed a little as Jamie covered her body with the quilt. He kissed her gently and watched as she fell into an uneasy sleep. Tomorrow, they would start for home and head from their loss. Tonight, whatever Eddie needed from him, he would do, including eating buckets of hot wings at a dive bar in Harvard yard.

A/N: Next week we'll resume the post episodes…Some readers have asked me when they will go public. It is likely I will have them go public the same time the show does or when the show is cancelled. Otherwise, I will try to work with their private relationship behind closed doors. I believed at least for part of the season, they were in a quiet relationship but recent episodes have changed my mind. Still, this is fanfiction so I get to play with these characters my way. I hope everyone enjoyed their vacation.