I LOVE YOU PIGGY
MARRY ME.
-kex
Jack: Kex rhymes with sex.
Ralph: Why are you such a pervert?
Jack:Because, let's be honest, it's me we're talking about.
Maurice: *nods* And he likes anything that moves!
Jack: *stares at Maurice*
Ralph: *stares at Maurice*
Maurice: What?
Jack: I do not like anything that moves.
Maurice: But you said you'd take anything to bed as long as-
Jack: NO! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Maurice: *is creeped out* Alright...
Piggy: EVERYONE BE QUIET.
Everyone: *is silenced*
Piggy: *grins really creepily and turns head* Alright, you childish buffoons, today is MY day because I GOT A LETTER.
Roger: Oh god why...
Jack: I don't understand any of this.
Piggy: Who cares what you understand? Someone LOVES me and wants to MARRY me!
Sam: Maybe they meant-
Eric: -to say Ericnsam-
Sam: *glares* SAMNERIC.
Eric: *ignores Sam*-but they messed up-
Sam: -as they were typing.
Roger: Because Samneric is just so easy to mix up with Piggy.
Sam: IT COULD HAPPEN-
Eric: -IT COULD HAPPEN.
Piggy: STOP MAKING UP EXCUSES FOR MY GREATNESS.
Bill: So...what's your answer?
Piggy: Huh?
Bill: You gonna marry her what?
Sam: Oh brave Lamp, you know of everything-
Eric: In this new realm of humanity!
Bill: What?
Piggy: Well, I mean *blushes*, this is all happening so fast!
Roger: Oh boy..
Piggy: I feel like it was just five minutes ago that I first opened the letter, and now we're already talking about marriage!
Jack: For real?
Bill: So, you're...engaged, now?
Piggy: Well, I mean, I'm not quite sure...
Ralph: Piggy, aren't you-
Piggy: YES! MY ANSWER IS YES!
Roger: You sound like a girl.
Boulder: He's a pig. Pigs squeal.
Roger: BOULDER ALWAYS KNOWS THE TRUTH! *grins*
Piggy: CALL ME WHAT YOU MAY, IT HAS NOW BEEN DECIDED THAT I, NATHANIEL, SHALL BE MARRIED FOREVER MORE.
Sam: But you're-
Eric: -dead.
Simon: I think it's sweet!
Jack: THE DEAD CAN'T GET MARRIED MY GOD.
Piggy: WELL I SHALL!
Jack: WELL I SHALL MOVE ONTO THE NEXT LETTER. All this Piggy madness is hurting my head.
is ralph gay
-daspartanreviewer
Jack: Someone has finally recognized Ralph's true potential.
Ralph: I AM NOT GAY.
Piggy: I'M MARRIED.
Roger: SHUT UP.
Jack: Ralph's definitely gay.
Maurice: He likes Roger.
Ralph: This is FALLACY.
Jack: This is true!
Maurice: THIS IS SPARTA.
Everything: *is awkward*
Maurice: *is decked out in full Spartan clothes*
Everyone: *stares*
Maurice: What?
Simon: Where'd you get all those clothes from?
Maurice: Party-World! *snorts* Where else?
Simon: Oh...well it looks good!
Maurice: Thanks! I was thinking that Ralph can use it when we start our business!
Ralph: WHAT BUSINESS?
Maurice: You know...that business.
Ralph: *seething* What on earth are you on about?
Maurice: Weeeeellllll...the business in which I CAN BE A PIMP.
Ralph: WHAT THE HELL NO.
Maurice: Bu...but...I already have my pimp outfits ready! See! *magically changes into pimp outift* Whatsup, bitches.
Jack: *sad* Why does he get to be the pimp?
Maurice: Because I'm Maurice. Bitches.
Jack: I want to be the pimp!
Roger: Why so eager, Jack? *grins*
Boulder: YEAH.
Jack: Because pimps are awesome!
Ralph: THIS IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.
Maurice: Shut up, bitch.
Ralph: I'M NOT ANYONE'S BITCH.
Roger: You're Maurice's, obviously.
Ralph: OKAY. THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.
Jack: I'm sorry?
Maurice: Bitch's opinion don't matter.
Simon: What's a pimp?
Roger: My GOD you are innocent.
Simon: I don't understand!
Jack: Alright, after we get our pimping business up and running, remind me to give Simon an in-depth talk on the basis of everything.
Ralph: THERE WILL BE NO BUSINESS.
Piggy: AND NO CORRUPTING SIMON.
Roger: Maybe he needs to be corrupted.
Piggy: I THINK NOT.
Jack: I think it's time.
Piggy: DON'T DO IT.
Simon: Do what?
Bill: Wait, Ralph's gay?
Jack: *ignoring Bill* I'M GIVING SIMON THE FULL TALK.
Bill: SINCE WHEN IS HE GAY?
Ralph: I'M NOT GAY. GOD.
Jack: READY SIMON?
Simon: For what? I AM SO CONFUSED.
Roger: It's okay, Jack will sort out your confusion.
Maurice: SICK.
Roger: ...
Bill: What?
Maurice: SICK!
Roger: Yes, mentally, you are.
Maurice: NO. SIMON AND JACK = SICK.
Roger: *thinks* Oh my god that's fucking hilarious.
Jack: NO! WE ARE NO SICK.
Ralph: Who's sick?
Roger: You probably, with STD's.
Ralph: I DO NOT HAVE STD's.
Jack: THEY THINK SIMON AND I ARE SICK.
Sam: With what?
Eric: Hopefully not the flu!
Sam: That's bad this time of year!
Bill: No, uncool people, sick is Jack and Simon pairings. Sick.
Sam: Jack and Simon pairings are Sick?
Eric: WITH WHAT?
Sam: *stares at Eric* WE SHOULD SEND THEM A GET WELL CARD.
Eric: BRILLIANT SAM.
Maurice: WHO'S SICK?
Bill: NOBODY'S SICK.
Jack: EXACTLY.
Bill: EXCEPT JACK AND SIMON. THEY'RE SICK.
Ralph: I'm so confused...
Roger: *casually sips on green tea* Don't stress your little blonde mind, Slut.
Ralph: *is really, really confused*
Boulder: *is also really confused*
Jack: SIMON AND I ARE NOT SICK.
Sam: GET WELL SOON!
Jack: NO!
Bill: Not THAT kind of sick, it's more like THAT kind of Sick!
Eric: I don't follow you-
Sam: -Lamp. You are being ambiguous.
Bill: Like, sick with a capital S, so it's Sick, which is a proper noun for Simon and Jack's names combined.
Eric: ...
Sam: ...
Eric: ...
Sam: ...
Eric: ...
Sam:...
Eric: So what are they sick with again?
Bill: *slaps his forehead*
Jack: THIS HAS GOTTEN OUT OF HAND.
Roger: You're telling me.
Simon: *has fainted some time during this entire spiel*
Sam: SIMON REALLY IS SICK!
Eric: *gasps! GIVE HIM A CARD. QUICKLY. IT WILL CURE HIM.
Sam: *places crudely drawn get well card on Simon's head*
Simon: *does nothing*
Eric: OH MY GOD IT DIDN'T WORK.
Sam: HE'S DONE FOR.
Bill: EVERYONE NEEDS TO CHILL.
Jack: HOW CAN I CHILL, BILL?
Maurice: I FIGURED OUT WHY BILL IS COOL. His name rhymes with chill! DUH!
Sam: WHO IS THIS BILL YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT?
Jack: *points to Bill* Him.
Eric: *laughs* You guys are stupid.
Sam: That's a Lamp.
Simon: *still has not woken up*
Piggy: *has left because nobody was talking to him and Roger kept giving him creepy looks*
Roger: Can I go now?
Jack: NO!
Roger: I'm going. *goes*
Maurice: GUESS IT'S TIME TO PEACE OUT?
Jack: Guess so.
Maurice: CAN I-
Jack: No.
Maurice: JUST THIS ONCE?
Jack: No.
Maurice: JUST FOR A SEC-
Jack: NO.
Everything: *is silent*
Maurice: *sighs*
Jack: *waits impatiently*
Maurice: *taps table with fingers*
Jack: *is annoyed*
Maurice: *leans forward* Please?
Jack: *slams head on table* Whatever. Go ahead.
Maurice: YES. *turns to camera* THIS IS MAURICE, AND YOU'RE WATCHING DISNEY CHANNEL.
A/N: Thanks for your reviews! Oh my gosh, they seriously made my life! I cannot believe how many views this story has...WOW!
DON'T FORGET TO CATCH MY NEWEST FICTION, Crumble to Infinity! PLEASE? I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!
Bonus Content:
Ralph: *hides from savages in bush*
Random-Female-Voiceover: HEY KID! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN DANGER!
Ralph: *looks around* I...I am, I guess?
Random-Female-Voiceover: You look like you could use, ALLEGORY-AWAY-SPRAY.
Ralph: What?
Random-Female-Voiceover: It eliminates all aspects of allegories from your life!
Ralph: *now looks pretty creeped out* What's an allegory?
Random-Female-Voiceover: For only one billion dollars, ALLEGORY-AWAY-SPRAY could be yours! Here's a demonstration!
Ralph: I JUST NEED TO SURVIVE! I DON'T NEED-
Random-Female-Voiceover: *uses ALLEGORY-AWAY-SPRAY on Ralph*
Everything: *is sprayed away because it's all symbolism and allegories*
Simon: *fades away again* MEEEEP NOOOOOOO!
LOTF: *falls into black abyss* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT ALLEGORY-AWAY-SPRAY!
Island: *disappears*
Spears* disappears*
Roger's Name: *also disappears...psst...it means spear...*
Life as Ralph knows it: *is gone*
Ralph: *is floating in a random white, blank space*
Random-Female-Voiceover: SEE? Now isn't that better!
Ralph: THIS IS HORRIBLE! WHERE...WHERE AM I? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?
Random-Female-Voiceover: It was an allegory for the destruction of innocence, so it was sprayed away.
Ralph: WHAT? BUT THAT'S MY LIFE.
Roger: *is now nameless* At least you didn't lose your name!
Random-Female-Voiceover: SO, IF YOU'RE BEING PURSUED BY HUNGRY SAVAGES AND HAVE NO WHERE TO TURN, CALL 1800-ALLEGORY-AWAY TODAY!
Ralph: NO THIS IS TERRIBLE!
Random-Female-Voiceover: THAT IS, 1800-ALLEGORY-AWAY TODAY!
Ralph: BUT MY LIFE HAS BEEN SPRAYED AWAY.
Random-Female-Voiceover: *sprays again*
Ralph: *disappears*
Fini :D