I am a coward. Instead of talking to Remus and fixing some of the tension between us, I hid in my room. His eyes had followed me across the common room but he said nothing. I had fallen into a fitful sleep. I finally gave up at about 5 a.m. and rolled out of bed. I got ready for the day and left for breakfast much earlier than Remus so there was no chance of running into him.

Like I said, coward.

I nibbled on some toast and fruit while students trickled into the Great Hall. Eventually a tired Regulus joined me. He mumbled a hi before piling his plate with food and quietly eating.

"How's the Head dorm?" Narcissa asked sliding into the seat across from me.

"Terrible I'd imagine. You're locked up in there with Lupin right?" Yakley said with a disgusted look on his face. My heart sped up. It was a problem that I couldn't even hear his surname without having a reaction.

"Yes. That's right. I guess Dumbledore really has lost his mind. Why would he make one of those freaks Head Boy?" Narcissa said sneering.

"Who knows? But hopefully his little friends keep him out of my hair." I said sighing. At this point, Professor Slughorn reached our section of the table.

"Hello! Are we all ready to start the year off right? Miss Strauss I'm so thrilled you'll be keeping up with potions again this year. Now hurry along! Don't want any of you to be late on the first day do we?" I took my schedule from him before he heaved his large stomach down the rest of the table.

"See you all later then." I said slinging my bag over my shoulder and heading off for my first class: charms with who else but Gryffindor. I was one of the first to reach the room and took a seat in the front row. This had nothing to do with me wanting to improve my grades or anything honorable like that. No, true to my cowardly nature, I was sitting in the front so I wouldn't have to see Remus.

And this was how the rest of my day went. An absurdly large portion of my classes were with the seventh year Gryffindors. So I sat in the front of all of them. I focused on all of the lessons like my life depended on it. I was always the first in the class and the first to leave. I never made eye contact with him in the halls or the Great Hall, even though I could feel his eyes burning into me most of the day. But of course that couldn't last forever. I dragged my feet after dinner because I didn't want to return to my room. But I couldn't delay it forever.

Just like last night, Remus was sitting on the couch when I entered the room. And just like last night his eyes instantly followed me. I felt my heart stop when my eyes met his. I tried to walk calmly to my room but his voice stopped me.

"Evelynn come on. Don't do this." His voice sounded tired. My back was to him since I had made it all the way to my door before he spoke. My shoulders shagged.

"I don't know what else to do." I whispered. I wasn't even sure he heard me.

"What changed from last year? Why can't we just keep going like we were?" I could hear him walking up behind me. I turned around, defeat in my eyes. He stopped where he was about a foot from me.

"Everything has changed Remus. It's more dangerous this year." I could feel tears forming but I pushed them back as best I could. "I can't do this anymore Remus. A clean break will be easier for both of us." Remus started towards me again. I moved back until my back hit the door to my room. I closed my eyes as his hand came to rest on my cheek.

"Have you stopped loving me?" Remus asked quietly. The tears broke free and silently fell down my face.

"No." I said shakily. His thumb brushed away tears as they fell.

"I haven't stopped loving you either. So we have to be more careful. So what? We decided last year that yes this would be hard but it was worth fighting for. So I'm not giving up. Nothing about this is clean and easy Evelynn. I'm not stopping until you stop loving me." And then his lips hesitantly brushed against mine. I sighed into his hold. His hands stayed gentle on me. I felt like I was going to break, but Remus was holding me together. And so I stayed in his arms for the rest of the night.

The sun was just beginning to rise, but I was wide awake. Remus was lying next to me, his arms wrapped around me snoring lightly. I knew that I would keep this up as long as I could. I was selfish. I knew it was wrong to keep leading him on like this. I knew that it would only be harder the longer I waited. But as I felt his breath tickle my skin, I knew that I needed this. It would be these memories that I would use to comfort myself in the future when I was forced into a loveless marriage. It would be these thoughts of love that I used to calm myself down during the oncoming war. I would need the biggest pool I could get to last me the rest of my miserable life.

I didn't want to wake Remus. So I stayed in bed as the sun rose higher. My right hand absently traced the spot on my left arm where I knew the ugly mark was as a memory played through my mind.

Once again we all stood in the ballroom at the Black Manor. All the new recruits who would be returning to Hogwarts at least. Voldermort stood in the middle of us all.

"I am so happy that you have all shown your loyalty to me. But we all know that there are many that do not understand the importance of our mission. And it is for that reason that your loyalty must remain a secret until you leave school." His eyes scanned the room. I felt shivers run down my spine. So just like before, we all filed up one by one. He then did a complicated wand movement and the mark sank back into our skin. "Do not misunderstand. If I need you, you will still feel the call. The mark will just be concealed until it is safe to return to the surface."

So my arm was blank currently, but I knew it was still there. And it made me feel dirty. I felt dirty lying to the man I love. Dirty because I knew that I wasn't the same as I had been last year and I would never be the same again.

But then Remus began to stir. He slowly blinked his eyes open and a smile spread across his beautiful face. "Good morning." He slurred.

"Morning yourself handsome." I pecked his lips and snuggled closer to him. I wanted it to stay like this forever. He pulled me closer and captured my lips into another kiss.

"Let's just stay here all day" He murmured against my lips. I laughed and pulled back.

"Who are you and what did you do with Remus?" He pouted and tried to pull me back. "No sir. We are Head Boy and Girl. We must set a good example. Plus it's the second day! We can't start off the year skipping." So I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom to get ready. I started the shower testing the water with my hand when I felt hands grab my hips and lips brush my shoulder.

"Well I can at least start the day off right can't I?" Remus said with a smirk. I smirked back and pulled him into the shower with me.

September slowly bled into October. And while the dark mark was still always on my mind, I was so happy. Remus and I continued our secret relationship. It was much easier now that we shared a dorm. We slept together every night. I still acted like he was scum with my friends and still refused to acknowledge Matthew. But this life was much better than I would have imagined back over summer.

"What are you thinking about?" Remus asked from the couch. I was sitting on the ground working on homework in front of the fire.

"Uh currently what I would do if faced by a dragon. You know for our defense essay." I chewed on my quill as I scribbled down some more. He nodded and went back to his charms book. Then he looked up at me again.

"Do you think we'll ever be able to come clean about all this?" I stopped and looked up at him.

"What?"

"You know our relationship." He shrugged and turned a page like he was still reading. "I mean one day I'd like to tell my friends about you."

"Black already knows." I pointed out.

"He thinks this all ended last year." He countered. "You're stalling."

I sighed. "I hope so. But I can't imagine it happening any time soon." He nodded but I could see the slump in his shoulders. I stopped my homework and got up moving over to the couch. I took his book from his hands placing it on the couch and curled into his lap. "Remus I wish I could tell everyone how lucky I am to have you. I'm not scared of my friends and my family really I not. I would tell everyone if that was the only thing holding me back. But there's so much more going on right now. It's not safe. There's a war happening." He pulled me into a hug and held me against his chest.

"I know I know. It just kills me that you still have to be with Regulus. And that I have to act like you mean nothing to me."

"I know. It kills me too." And so we stayed like that the rest of the night.