FYI, it gets a bit graphic near the end of this chapter.

Mrs. Bennet's POV

Chapter 21: I Shall Do My Best.

While Mr. Bennet and I exchanged more letters after I wrote that I wished to do better in our marriage, I still was not sure what he was thinking. His only direct response to that statement was that when I returned to Longbourn he looked forward to discussing the matter with me further. Other than that, his side of the letters mostly spoke of Jane. My letters to him shared things more freely.

When I wrote to him and announced that we had left the sickroom, I was hopeful that he would let me return to Longbourn a day or two after that. But he did not. Instead, after replying in his letter that he was pleased that we felt the sickness had left our house, he told me, "In an abundance of caution for Jane's health, I think it better for you to remain apart from us for a time, to make sure the contagion has left both your house and the town."

While I thought about once more walking to Longbourn (though such a walk was probably beyond my strength in my present condition, I had hardly walked at all since becoming ill) and asking to be admitted, I knew such would be folly. I had likely humiliated him the last time I had done so, with the things I had shouted. I knew even beyond the words I had uttered that it was highly unseemly to make such a spectacle of myself, to question his decision in front of others. I knew my place was to support and defer to him, to give him all the respect a husband and master was due. I resolved to myself to guard what I did and said in front of our servants, in front of anyone. If I had a disagreement with him, I would keep it quiet.

Mr. Bennet finally let me return in March after the younger Mr. Jones (he was perhaps a decade my senior) came to see me. He arrived in Mr. Bennet's carriage which I spotted from my window. At first I thought it was Mr. Bennet inside, come to fetch me. I was disappointed then in seeing Mr. Jones the younger step out of it and not my husband.

However, I was pleased when I understood the purpose of Mr. Jones's visit (thought it seemed a bit odd to me that his father had not come on this mission instead). He was to examine me and then report back to Mr. Bennet on the state of my health and whether all sickness was gone from me and my family. His examination consisted in him asking me a few questions and looking me over, including peering inside my mouth, at my nose and my ears. He did not touch me.

Afterwards, he told me, "I will advise Mr. Bennet to admit you. There is no sign that you or your family bear a risk to anyone now. However you are too thin. It is the normal course of things after a serious illness, but you must work hard to eat well, so that you can fully recover your strength. I would also advise taking walks and drinking a health tonic I will send to Longbourn."

We talked for a bit after the official reason for his visit was completed. When I asked after the elder Mr. Jones, the younger told me, "He succumbed to the illness, like so many others."

I gave all the appropriate sympathies. I suppose I should have guessed from his presence and black clothes he wore, yet almost everyone was in mourning for someone. The milliner in selling black dye and black crape fabric was in all likelihood the most successful business of the day, along with the coffin maker and those who were paid to bury the dead. For those that had money, jet jewelry was in demand, along with mourning rings.

The younger Mr. Jones told me, "My father, God rest his soul, worked so diligently seeing the ill and in trying to get families to keep the sickness within their households. I suppose, though, it was an effort doomed to failure for the most part. Both Longbourn and Netherfield were mostly spared, yet in the closer quarters of Meryton people must have exposed one another when they were in the early stage of the illness. After all, someone had to go buy the medicine, the food, the other necessities of life. My father insisted that I was to make no house calls, to only prepare medicines to sell in our shop with all exchanges taking place through the cracked door, with the money placed in a dish of vinegar. He, himself, stopped crossing the thresholds of homes, diagnosing through descriptions and exchanging money and medicine at each door. When he became ill, he kept himself secluded, with only my great-aunt tending to him; she had survived a great many illnesses of the past and never became ill. It was a miracle that none of the rest of us took sick."

"So who tended the ill if your family did not, excepting of course through the medicines?"

"Know you of the barber surgeon, Mr. Slyfeel? He took to making calls, knocking on doors of those he knew had the funds for his services and asking after the inhabitants' health. He mostly let blood, telling people that they should have visited him for regular bloodletting before. He credited this practice with his ongoing state of health (he never sickened) and so I believe many thought his treatments must be sound."

"Could there be any truth to that?" I asked, wondering for a moment if Aunt Gardiner and my father might have recovered had their blood been let.

"I do not believe so. My grandfather has a different theory on Mr. Slyfeel's continued health. My grandfather believes that many of the elder denizens of Meryton must have survived a similar illness and perhaps this offered them some protection from this typhus. This was why his sister, my great aunt, was willing to care for my father. Likely she and Mr. Slyfield, both being in their sixth decades, were of this group. Sadly, perhaps Mr. Slyfeel himself helped to spread the illness by visiting so many homes."

Later that day, Mr. Bennet sent the carriage for me. I hoped he would be inside with Jane, but the carriage was empty. However, when I returned, he was present to greet me.

"Welcome home, Mrs. Bennet."

"Thank you, Mr. Bennet."

He offered his arm and as he escorted me told me that he was bringing me to see Jane. I was so very happy that I would soon see my daughter, but had a slight fear that she would not know me as it had almost been three months since I had left Longbourn.

Fortunately, that fear was not borne out as when I first entered the nursery Jane ran (not walked, had apparently mastered what had been hesitant, toddling steps when I left) to me. I bent down and she placed her little hands on my cheeks, and said, "Mama" several times while patting my face.

I was just about to pick Jane up when she left me to walk over to Mr. Bennet, said "Papa up" while lifting her arms up.

Seeing Jane in Mr. Bennet's arms, I felt I had been replaced and though I tried to hide how I was feeling, I feared it was writ large upon my face. Yet, I still had the glow of happiness in seeing my beloved child, of being in her presence.

I stood up from my crouch and walked closer to them. Jane was looking at me, while holding Mr. Bennet tightly around his neck.

I told her, "Mama missed her Jane. I was so sad being away from you, but Papa kept you safe when Mama was helping her family and when Mama was sick. Papa helped Mama a lot. I am glad that Papa kept you happy, too."

Mr. Bennet looked over at me when I referred to him as Papa, a curious look upon his brow, a slight softening of what I had come to think of as being his normal expression. I remembered how hard he had tried to get Jane to call him Papa, how I had always referred to him as Mr. Bennet in her presence. I felt then the weight of the wrongness of my prior actions, felt I deserved to have missed out on being with my daughter.

Suddenly Jane was leaning out of Mr. Bennet's arms and toward me. I gratefully grasped her as Mr. Bennet loosened his hold on her, let her slither from his arms. She was heavier than I remembered, smelled different and her hair was longer and lighter. She touched my face, my hair, fingered the edge of my now black gown.

While she examined me, I tried to learn her new smell, the feeling of her in my arms. I, too, stroked her face and hair. I was still learning who this older Jane was when she wriggled to get down and I had to let her go. Then she walked away from me and picked up a rag doll from the ground.

I was just watching her, when Mr. Bennet came up to me and said, "We need to talk, in private."

"Now?" I did not wish to leave my Jane for I needed to be with her, even if she did not need me there.

"Whatever you might think of me, I would never be so mean as to make you leave during your reunion with Jane, but when she takes her nap, come find me in my book room." He left then, without another word to me, though he said, "Good bye, Janey."

She looked up from her playing to say, "G'bye Papa."

I spent a blissful two hours becoming reunited with Jane, playing with her, caring for her, as the nurse and nursery maid mostly looked on, before the nurse announced, "Nap nap" and Jane followed her obediently to her bed. It was I that tucked her in, making sure the dolly was tucked in, too. I read her a story and she fell asleep without any trouble at all.

I worried and fretted while I walked to Mr. Bennet's book room. I had every intention of humbling myself, begging for his forgiveness for my past actions, telling him what I planned to do to be the wife that he deserved, but I did not have a chance to do any of that. As soon as I entered the room and shut the door behind me, he gestured for me to sit. He then kept standing, looming over me as he began to lecture me, to read me the riot act.

"Mrs. Bennet, your conduct has been inexcusable. I am glad that you want to do better, and I have decided just how to make that happen. I have made a list of rules for you to follow. If you do well with these rules, we may indeed improve our marriage. If you do poorly at them, I will have no hesitancy to have you removed from Longbourn without Jane." He held up a hand indicating that I should be silent when I made as if to speak.

He grabbed a sheet of paper and told me, "Here is the list." He appeared to be reading all the items on the list while explaining them in further detail. "One, Jane will not sleep in your bed. While you have been gone after those first few nights her nurse and I got her to sleep in her own bed in the nursery. It is not hard to get her to sleep there. I will not have you ruin this progress in her independence."

I nodded.

"Two, and this relates to number one, you will no longer bar me from your chambers and bed. I have removed the lock from our connecting doors. Mrs. Bennet, it is a duty of our marriage that you willingly allow me to exercise my marital rights. I will be exercising them most frequently to get you with child. This, Madam, is largely the result of your actions. My father has placed Longbourn under entail as he does not want one that is not of our blood inheriting. We need a son and you will give me one. Given the uncertainty that one will be enough (this recent outbreak has shown once again that many can die most easily), you will give me as many sons as you can. I expect to keep you pregnant throughout your childbearing years. Longbourn will stay with me and my children."

I felt dizzy with imagining his frequent visits, imagining him imposing on me, but it made sense given what he had just revealed and I knew that I would like to have more children. I thought that perhaps he would leave off visiting so frequently once I was with child again. I could only hope that I might have two or three sons in rapid succession and then he might be willing to leave off with trying as diligently to get me with child.

"Mrs. Bennet?" I looked at him and then realized he was waiting for me to agree. I nodded once more.

"Three, you will always speak respectfully to me and about me where others might hear. That means servants, company, anyone. You will not disrespect me to your family or others. You will know your place as my wife and will attend all meals with me, will act the part of wife in all ways that are expected. You will obey me. If you disagree with me and want me to know about it, you will either approach me in my book room or wait until we are both in our chambers that night. At either location, you will knock at our connecting door to ask to speak with me. I do not guarantee that I will chose to speak to you, or that you will influence me. You will recognize that I make the decisions and it is my choice whether or not to listen to anything you have to say."

I nodded to this also, I had already resolved not to disrespect him, but I felt small indeed that it seemed he had no respect for me. I hoped, though, that I could prove to him that I sincerely intended to treat him properly.

"Four, you will not interfere with my time with Jane or how I choose to raise her. She is my daughter for all intents and purposes and I have the right to raise her as I choose to do. I do not ask that you leave the nursery when I come to visit with her, but you will defer to it being my time with her."

I nodded yet again, wondering how long this list was.

"Five, you will not take Jane out of Longbourn, out of sight of the house, without my express approval and without her nurse accompanying you. That means, and all the staff will know this as well, that you are not allowed to take her in a carriage unless I have previously approved the outing, and she will return at a designated time with the nurse whether you are ready to leave or not. There will be no deviations from any approved outing. You, madam, can walk back to Longbourn if you want to change plans once you are out. I will not risk Jane being exposed to people and places that I do not approve or of you deciding you are unhappy with my rules and trying to leave with my daughter. Is that clear?"

"Yes," I told him, trying to not let the growing resentment I was feeling show in my face. Did he really think so little of me?

"This is the complete list of rules for the immediate future. I may choose to add to this list at any time if your conduct warrants it. For infractions, I reserve the right to withhold you access to Jane for a time. Should this prove completely unworkable, I reserve the option to have you permanently removed from Longbourn without her. I hope this shall not prove necessary. I would much prefer that our marriage function as it ought, for Jane to keep her mother, for you to conceive my son and for him to one day be master in my place, but I have resolved that if that is not to be that I shall still have my daughter and you shall have nothing."

He thrust the list into my hands, walked to the door, opened it and gestured for me to leave. I had a sudden flash to remembering Mr. Bragg pushing me out of the Netherfield library after he had taken what he wanted. I was being similarly dismissed here, though Mr. Bennet laid no hand upon me. I arose, the list grasped in my hand, and tried to leave with as much dignity as I could.

I went back to my chambers and reclined on my bed with the list. I read it over. It was titled, "The Duties of a Good Wife." I noticed that he had spoken more frankly than the list was written; it alluded to matters he set out in more vivid detail during his lecture. I supposed that he did not want anyone to see exactly what he thought of me. It read as follows: "(1) A good wife keeps her children in the nursery at night. (2) A good wife welcomes her husband to her chambers. (3) A good wife is respectful and obeys her husband. (4) A good wife defers to her husband's judgment as to how the children shall be raised. (5) A good wife keeps the children at home unless her husband agrees to the outing." I could not help but notice that this was all about how I should act, that he had not set out what his duties should be as a good husband. I supposed, though, he had been trying all along to be a good husband. He had not failed, I had.

I had a little cry. I thought about how happy my parents had been together, how sad my mother was now that my father was dead. I felt the ache of my father's death overshadow me once more. I could not imagine ever caring about Mr. Bennet that much. I felt very much alone.

But after a while, I stopped my tears, washed my face and ventured into the nursery to see if Jane was awake. She was not, so I sat in a rocking chair and waited for her to wake up. We spent a good deal of time together and I was in a tolerably good mood by the time I had to leave to have dinner with Mr. Bennet.

Dinner was awkward. Mr. Bennet dished me up more food than I felt like eating; I had very little appetite in those days. The food was more flavorful and of better quality to that I had in my parents' home, but still I felt that I was not making much progress on it.

Mr. Bennet said little, save for urging, "You need to eat more Mrs. Bennet. You are too thin, you need to put more meat on your bones."

I told him, "I shall do my best, my dear Mr. Bennet." I forced myself to eat each and every bite he had placed upon my plate.

He gave me a slight smile when I finished, then said, "I see you are working hard to obey and respect me. I am pleased."

That night, after my maid prepared me for bed, I got into bed but did not blow the candles out. I stayed awake, waiting for Mr. Bennet to come. I was nervous but resigned as to what would follow. I waited perhaps an hour and then he entered. He did not knock on the door, just opened it up and strode through the doorway in his nightshirt. I turned down the covers, to welcome him into my bed. He climbed into my bed without a word.

Rather than just lifting my nightgown up and proceeding, he instructed, "Sit up," and pulled my nightgown up and off me. I felt myself flush with embarrassment as he examined me, running his hands along my ribs, my hips, my thin thighs.

He told me, "I think now is not yet the time to get you with child. I agree with young Mr. Jones. I do not think your body could adequately nourish my son. You must eat well. Mr. Jones suggested to me that you should have many small meals throughout the day, plenty of meat, much watered wine. He is sending over some health tonics tomorrow, which you must drink every day."

I was glad to hear him expressing some interest in my health, but I felt it was only as I was his brood mare. Still, I was glad to think I might be spared him imposing on me for a while. I thought briefly about trying to keep myself thin so as to keep his attentions from me longer, but quickly resolved that I would and must obey him. I knew he and Mr. Jones were right, that I needed to regain my full health.

Mr. Bennet then said, "Still, while we are waiting for that, I will have you learn some other ways to give me pleasure. Perhaps I can learn how to give you pleasure also, so as to ease my way when you are fit once more."

He drew his nightshirt off, showed me how to stroke his member, instructed me on how to use my mouth upon it. While I was doing so, he ran his hands along my body, stroked my breasts. I felt a bit of pleasure grow within me. I remember thinking that this was not so bad, until his member quivered and filled my mouth with his bitter essence. He withdrew himself, told me, "Swallow it down." That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I obeyed him in this.

He praised me afterwards, said, "Now you are acting properly as my wife." He poured a bit of water into the basin, dipped one of my handkerchiefs into it and brought it to me, for me to clean my mouth. Even in swiping it across my tongue, I could not remove the taste which seemed to coat my whole mouth.

Apparently he had missed my body greatly, for he then instructed me to lie upon my back. He kissed my neck, suckled at my breasts (this felt far different than nursing a baby had, made me feel a certain wetness in my nether region) and then, having grown hard once more had me use my hand to give him his pleasure. I felt a bit of disappointment that I did not, and never had, felt the sort of pleasure that he had enjoyed twice in rapid succession, instead had an unpleasant taste in my mouth and an odd emptiness inside me.

Yet, this was not so bad. I recalled that he had mentioned wishing to learn how to give me pleasure. I wished to be brave, wished to trust him, even if from his list of demands as to what I should do, it was most evident that he did not trust me. So I told him, "I liked it when you suckled my breasts, how it made me feel inside, a sort of longing."

"I will remember to do that again," he told me, then picked him nightshirt up, put it back on and exited from my chamber.

I lay awake for a long time. I was not miserable and not happy either. Things were not how I had hoped they would be, but not as bad as they could have been. I resolved to try to make the best of my situation, to do my best to make him happy by being the wife he wanted, as there was nothing else to be done. He was my husband and nothing but one of our deaths would change that.