It was a peaceful day when she returned to her home village. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, the genin were training, the ANBU were screaming bloody murder...

Wait, what?

She paused, and wondered who was up to trouble. Mostly to see if she would join in. She couldn't wait to see the look on the old man's face when he realized that SHE had returned. The last time she was in town, her sister had gotten married to the newly instated Fourth Hokage.

The screams of horror after she beat Jiraiya and Tsunade in a drinking match still brought a smile to her face.

This time she was bringing a friend. A rather misinformed blond who believed she was some damsel in distress and had proclaimed to be her bodyguard. She had kept him around solely because he was one of the few people who could keep up with her at the dinner table.

She went to see where the chaos was...and found something that caused her blood to run cold.

A pack of civilians were beating up a small child, who barely appeared to be three. She growled, and shot a Fireball at them. They scattered rather quickly in the face of her anger.

The poor kid was cut and bruised but he would live. He had the same shade of hair as her so-called bodyguard, and the same eyes. The only thing that convinced her that the kid wasn't some illegitimate offspring of the guy were the whisker marks.

The kid slowly uncurled once he realized she wasn't going to hit or kick him. The fact that he knew to curl up like that spoke volumes.

"Kid, where are your parents?"

"Don't got any."

She took a look around, and noted that most of the civilians were giving the kid the dirty look. Like he was something smelly they had stepped in.

"Right... Why don't you come with me and I'll treat ya to some ramen?"

The kid perked up at the word ramen.

"From Ichiraku's?" he asked hopefully.

She laughed, and picked the kid up. He didn't protest, but rather curled into her side. Clearly he was starved for positive attention.

She went straight to the Hokage's office, her bodyguard staying close behind her.

Sarutobi took one look at her, and winced. He had hoped that the rumors she was back were just that. They he realized who the child was in her arms.

He sighed.

"Not again. I had hoped the civilians would learn to leave you alone Naruto."

Naruto mumbled something, and curled closer to her.

"You know this kid Sarutobi-sama?"

"You should have recognized him yourself Lina. He's your nephew."

Her face turned cold.

"Where is my sister and that baka husband of hers?"

"Dead. Fighting the nine-tailed fox."

"Right...Naruto, why don't you hang out with jellyfish for brains while I talk to the old geezer here?"

"Who?"

She nodded to her companion and Naruto giggled. The two quickly started a conversation on ramen flavors.

"Right, start talking."

"Kushina died helping Minato seal Kyuubi in Naruto. Minato used a forbidden jutsu that required his life in order to use. He doesn't know his parents, or the fact that the Fox is inside him. Civilians seem to target him simply because of that fact."

She sighed. Trust her sister to die protecting her child.

"You know this means I'll be stuck in the village, don't you?"

The Hokage winced. While it would mean Naruto would no longer be alone, the sheer damage Lina Uzumaki-Inverse caused when angered almost made his head hurt.

"I'll take Naruto in. Has anyone bought my sister's old place?"

"No. I'll give you an advance on one condition..."

"What?"

"No spells until Naruto goes into the Academy. I don't want him using them on the civilians."

She smirked, and he had a sense of foreboding doom.

"Don't need one. I've been robbing bandits for the past six years."

He looked at her, then reached into his drawer and took out a sake bottle. It seemed her reputation had been earned, rather than made up by her.

He wondered what the council would do once they realized the 'Enemy of All Who Lived' was back in town. And had plans to stay! Then he had an evil, spiteful idea.

"Would you be interested in formally announcing your return?"

"Why?" she asked in suspicion.

"So I can watch the blood drain from the face of the council when they realized exactly who Naruto is related to, and the fact that you intend to stay."

She looked at him, and cackled evilly.

"Old man, you have a deal! Bring a camera!" she smirked.

Naruto was bouncing off the walls when he learned that not only was Lina his aunt, but she was taking him in! He was so excited that he had to tell his only friend his age.

Shino Aburame.

Lina shivered. While she could respect the Aburame clan, some of them actually had spiders in their hives. She disliked spiders and absolutely loathed squids.

Shino, however, didn't have any spiders in his hive. So she told him that he could visit once the house was cleaned.

Naruto practically bounced the entire way there. He was so excited about living with his aunt.

Lina took one look at the house, and sneezed. The dust was horrific! Then she had an idea that appealed to her greatly. She hated cleaning unless she absolutely had to (or she was being overpaid to do it), so why not have a newly minted genin team do it? She immediately removed most of the breakable things, and anything that would indicate who had lived there before. Naruto helped her pack most of it.

Then she went to the mission desk and wrote up the task she wanted them to do. The pay was slightly higher than what they would normally get for the task, but the sad fact was that she barely knew how to clean. It was one of the reasons she had become a jounin who went on a lot of training missions outside the village.

The next morning a young genin team arrived, and found the cleaning tools waiting. They were resigned to this boring task while Lina chatted up their jounin instructor.

Gourry, her friend/bodyguard, was out with Naruto buying food. Gourry would buy the food and then have Naruto help him carry it.

By the end of the day, the genin were exhausted. They honestly felt like they were being under paid for the sheer amount of cleaning they had to do.

Which was why Lina rewarded each of them with two jounin level scroll that they could keep. Her talk with their sensei had given her the right types to buy. Their complaints were promptly dropped, since the ones she had given them were rather expensive for new genins.

She had some of the Chunin help her move the new fridge in, since the old one had burnt out a few years ago.

Naruto was given the bedroom that faced the village. He had no idea it was originally his nursery. He should have guessed from the fact that Lina had given him a whole new bed to sleep in.

Naruto absolutely loved his aunt. Not only was she nice (to him anyway. The last time a civilian tried to kick him he got hit with some weird fire jutsu) but she actually helped him prank people! Plus there was the nickname she had for the Fourth Hokage, it made him laugh.

("I don't know who convinced the Blondaime to look so constipated when they did that carving," she grinned at him.

Naruto stared at his aunt, before he said the first thing on his mind.

"Blondaime?"

"Blond and Yondaime. Blondaime. He was a bit of an idiot though.")

To the relief of Lina, not all of the civilians hated her nephew on sight. Some, like the owners of the Ichiraku stand, actually adored the kid. She was a bit dismayed to learn that Naruto couldn't read or do maths yet. He was five, which meant he should have at least started the basics. They didn't really teach them at the Academy.

Which was why she spent every afternoon showing Naruto how to read and balance a checkbook. It was more than most parents would teach their kids. Plus it was a rather good example of basic math.

Within a month of returning to the village, Lina formally announced her return. She was rather pleased to hear the screams of outright horror and terror coming from her fellow shinobi. And the screams of sheer terror coming from a majority of the civilian population.

Though to be fair most of the civilians had already faced her wrath when it came to hurting her nephew or getting on her nerves.

She was very happy watching the looks of the council. Danzo turned white as a sheet, while the other two began to twitch uncontrollably while mentally doing calculations on how much sake they would need to survive her return.

Lina had a...unique...way of dealing with people who tried to manipulate her or her family. It involved butter, a dull kunai, and places not named in public.

As it was, the Hokage was rather enjoying the looks of complete shock and horror on the three who had tried to turn Naruto into a weapon.

Lina may have been a natural force of destruction that no insurance would dare cover (she was labeled under Acts of Kami/Shinobi War on their papers, and naturally she found that fact absolutely hilarious) but the sad fact was that if the council had ever dared to label her a missing Nin, then she would have started really destroying places in their name for the hell of it.

Frankly it was easier to tell the other countries that she was currently on a training mission, and wasn't associated with the Leaf unless absolutely necessary.

Lina found it amusing that the Hokage always had the option of calling her to destroy a village if someone tried to start a war. She had made it a point to stay in contact with the village just for that occasion.

Time skip four months...

Lina was on her way back from the store when she saw them. Kumo recently decided to make a peace agreement with Konoha, and she had thought it amusing that people actually believed that lie. Which was why she went shopping near the Hyuuga compound that night.

She found three Kumo ninja kidnapping a little girl. And smirked evilly.

"Now, now boys... are you really sure that's such a wise idea? I'm sure the Hyuuga wouldn't like you taking one of their girls..." she grinned.

A kunai was sent her way, and she leaned the other way. She carefully placed her food down, and then took out the three shinobi, catching the girl before she fell on the ground. She then deposited them in the ANBU headquarters explaining how she found them.

When Kumo took offense that their three chunin had been caught causing trouble, Lina was downright evil as she smiled at them. One of them apparently recognized her, because his face paled.

"Now boys, I'm sure you weren't suggesting that I was lying? I would hate to have to go to Kumo and...rearrange...the village," she said calmly.

The pale man looked like something that had died as he realized what she was saying. If they continued to pressure the Hyuuga for one of their people, Lina Inverse would show up at the village and obliterate it.

They weren't that suicidal. And the other villages wouldn't exactly call them weak for backing down after Lina expressed an interest in their village while in a bad mood.

After that, Hinata and Neji were allowed to hang out with Naruto. Apparently Hiashi felt he owed Lina for saving his twin brother, so he overlooked the fact that Hinata and Neji were around the boy.

If asked, he would put it down to the Lina Effect. She broke down more barriers by being herself than any diplomatic approach.

Of course it wasn't until Sasuke ended up being dumped on the woman that things really turned interesting.

Itachi, tired of the fact that his father and clan always ignored Sasuke in favor of him, decided to try something drastic. He kidnapped his brother under the guise of training, knocked on the door and asked Lina rather politely if she could help train Sasuke for him.

When asked why, she couldn't help the cackling as Itachi replied "I want my brother to avoid having a stick lodged up his ass."

Needless to say, Lina took great pleasure in showing the boy how to cast the flare arrow. And told the boy he was to use it any time his father tried to force him to act like a 'Proper Uchiha'. Sasuke liked Itachi better than he did his father anyway.

The fact that the Uchiha compound suffered a rash of fires was just a coincidence...right?

Time Skip Two years...

Lina couldn't believe what she was hearing. Itachi Uchiha, one of the rare Uchiha she could stand without wanting to fireball them, had massacred his entire clan and left Sasuke the lone survivor.

She found it hard to believe he would do such a thing. Sure, they were a pack of idiots, but with Sasuke's natural ability with the more...destructive...fire spells, Itachi couldn't have made their lives more of a nightmare. She would even give him ideas on what to hit next! So she went straight to the Hokage and demanded a proper explanation, not just the cover story.

"Itachi...uncovered a plan to perform a coup within the Uchiha clan. The only way to stop it was to kill them."

"And that lead to the so-called problem of him being a missing nin, even though he actually did the village a service," said Lina deadpan.

The Hokage nodded. They could let the truth out once Itachi came back from his long-term undercover mission in the Akatsuki. If Sasuke didn't kill his brother first.

"Right... I guess this means the Elders are planning to force the kid with another family?"

"That is their plan. I was leaning toward Sasuke living on his own."

"Like hell. I'll take him in, and he can have the room across from Naruto. The two of them get along fine, and it will keep the Elders from trying to mold him like they did with Itachi."

The Hokage paused... then looked at her.

"I could care less about the boy living with you, but nothing higher than a Gaav Flare until he reaches genin, am I clear? It's bad enough that Naruto can pull off a Ra Tilt before he's even been in the Academy for a year."

"That? I had nothing to do with that. Zel happened to be in the area, and when he found how good Naruto was at picking up shaman spells, he had to see exactly how quick a learner he was. I think Amelia was going to show Hinata how to use the higher level White Spells next week."

The Hokage had only met Lina's other traveling companions twice, the first time being a formality that allowed them to enter the village without trouble.

How Lina managed to become that familiar with both Princesses of Seiryuun he had no idea, so long as she didn't start a war.

Zelgadis had been rather surprised to learn that no one looked twice at his odd appearance, but he had rather liked it. He tended to show up in the village more often than not because of it.

Naruto had, unsurprising to Lina, taken to the Chimera with fervor. He had also successfully drawn out the man's inner prankster.

Lina had never laughed so hard in months. She did feel sorry for Iruka, the only teacher in the Academy that she didn't want to fireball.

Even if the teachers were actually doing their job in concerns to her nephew out of fear of her wrath, they still gave him dirty looks.

Sasuke was rather quick to launch either an ice or flare arrow at them every time he spotted them doing it though.

Time skip to the Genin test...

"So what did Lina say about the exam?"

"She said and I quote, 'Screw using illusions, I'm showing you how to make them solid!'," answered Naruto.

Lina had watched Naruto fail at the exam twice, and upon learning what jutsu caused him to fail, had decided to teach him a jounin level trick called the shadow clone.

To the amusement of the boys, the genins preferred landing the mission of cleaning the house for her. She hated doing it, and the boys were only in charge of their rooms. Any team that ended up cleaning the house were usually rewarded with training scrolls she kept on hand. The pay was rather lousy though.

Sasuke still couldn't believe that the one woman who he respected had adopted him into the family after Itachi had killed everyone. If she hadn't, there was no doubt in his mind that he would have become a broody, narcissistic jerk just like his father would have wanted.