"So if its just tonight

The animal inside

Let it live and die" - Ke$ha

One Month Later

Brennan ran a brush through her hair before pulling it up off her neck into a ponytail. She smoothed her hands over her clothes, feeling awkward as she did so. The clothes she had worn before her pregnancy no longer fit as though they should. If they didn't stretch across the small bit of weight she'd gained in her stomach then they were tight around her breasts, drawing much more attention that she didn't intend nor want. As she was preparing for her first outing since having Christine she wanted to feel comfortable.

Only when she was satisfied did she turn away from the mirror in the bathroom. She walked across the hall into the bedroom where Booth lay asleep in bed. Christine lay in her carrier besides him on the floor, also lost in a slumber. It would have been sweet had it been a conscious gesture. But Brennan herself had placed the newborn besides her father while she'd been readying to go.

"Booth," she bent down to his level. He opened one eye long enough to acknowledge her. She continued. "I'm going to meet Angela for lunch. I have Christine with me. If you need anything I will have my cell phone."

He gave no motion of understanding. Mere moments passed before he was sound asleep again. She sighed in frustration. Since arriving home from the hospital this was what life had been like for the couple. That first day they'd come in the door to find a small surprise party awaiting them. Brennan was thrilled to be among her friends that she hadn't seen in quite some time. All mingled and spread around the joy. The only one who hadn't been so keen was Booth. By the time the get together was coming to a close she'd noticed he'd disappeared. The scene had been too overwhelming for him. He'd tucked himself between the sheets of his bed and gone to sleep.

That seemed to be where he spent a good portion of his time these days. He was willing to help out with Christine, and had been. He got up several times in the night to feed her a bottle or change her diaper. Around the apartment he assisted with chores. In short he did his best to take care of both Brennan and Christine without being asked or expecting anything in return. But whenever he wasn't engaged in some activity he was sleeping. More often than not she found herself waking him to take care of his own basic needs that he'd suddenly chosen to neglect.

Brennan retrieved Christine. With a diaper bag strapped over her shoulder she made the trip alone out to the car. Traffic was light she found as she drove to the outdoor café Angela had picked out for them. Though it was a mid afternoon on a weekday the business was busy, with a small crowd gathered at the take out counter. After finding a place to park Brennan toted Christine to the table where Angela awaited them.

She rose to her feet once the family drew near. "Sweetie! So glad you could make it." She hugged her tightly, leaving room for Christine in between them. "I know its only been a month but look how big she's gotten!"

"She's growing at a normal rate. And though she eats quite frequently its nothing out of the normal range. She's perfectly healthy." Unlike Booth.

"She's a darling." Angela held both of Christine's tiny hands. "If you want to sit with her I'll get us something to drink."

"I would like an iced tea." Brennan agreed.

Angela was gone for a good ten minutes before returning with two take out cups. "I didn't realize they were so busy."

"Yes. It's unusual for a Wednesday. You're out of work awful early as well."

Angela half smiled. "Well, there isn't nearly as much to do without you and Booth." She went on to explain the work her colleagues had had to occupy themselves with in her absence. With no murders to solve they'd reverted back into doing museum work. There might have been a lift in Angela's voice but Brennan could determine how bored her friend was; perhaps how bored all of them were. They might have started out working for the Jeffersonian museum but it was forensics that had captured all of their interests, even if it got tiring sometimes.

"So, enough about me. How are you? How are things going with Booth?" She saw her friend's gaze fall down onto the table top. "Uh oh. Not well?"

Brennan exhaled. She organized her thoughts before speaking. She'd been keeping her feelings to herself for so long that it felt strange to be giving them a voice and tossing them onto someone else. "Since Christine's birth he's been very helpful. He interacts with her, in that he sees that all her needs are met. But the way he is with her… its as though he's afraid of her. Parker came over one afternoon to meet her and the way Booth behaved with him was far different."

Angela nodded slowly. "Well, I can see that. I mean, Parker's much bigger. I don't think Booth is all that familiar with babies anymore. He'd probably afraid of doing something wrong, or accidentally hurting her."

"Perhaps. I don't know, Ange. I really thought we'd made such progress out in the wilderness. But since we've come home its as though he's quit on me. He hardly speaks, or engages with me. He sleeps more than he ever has. I don't understand how a single person can sleep so much. I know he isn't awake at night. I feel him when he leaves to tend to Christine, and he always returns to bed right away." She sighed. Getting to talk about this after holding it in for so long was both freeing, and disheartening. "He doesn't seem at all interested in continuing to work on his vocabulary or other cognitive skills. I don't understand what happened."

"Sweetie, it's obvious. He's depressed."

"I know. But why now? Out at the cabin he was making strides in his recovery. We talked out several issues we'd both been side stepping. He told me he loved me." She looked away to try to rid herself of the hot tears that burned her eyes. "I just had our daughter. I thought that alone would be enough of an inspiration to try harder. Instead he prefers to shut himself out from the world. He sleeps."

Angela was silent for a long moment. "Has he been eating?"

"Not often. I have to force him to take care of himself. But he insists he's nauseated quite a lot."

"Sweetie," she gasped sadly. "I think I know what's wrong with him. I think you know, too. You just won't admit it."

Brennan did know; had known. But after all they'd been through it was unfathomable to believe. "He's somehow found a way to obtain pain killers again, and he's abusing them." She shook her head firmly. "I do believe that he's in pain. And I can understand if it's a greater pain than what over the counter medicines are capable of relieving."

"But is it real, Brennan? He's depressed. He doesn't care what happens to him. Whatever he's taking is making him drowsy and letting him escape his problems. Maybe he's getting some sort of high off of it." It killed her to instill that thought into her best friend's head. But it was a real possibility, and Brennan needed to wise up.

Predictably Brennan shuddered. Her voice rose in defense. "No. Not Booth. He wouldn't behave in such a manner."

"Addiction runs in his family. His father was an alcoholic. Look, I don't want to believe it either. But this isn't the old Booth we're talking about. This Booth is lost and in pain. Eventually he's going to develop a tolerance, and he'll keep increasing his dose to try and get rid of that pain. He already overdosed once, sweetie. What if he does it again? What if you're not there to save him?"

"Oh my God." She breathed. It may have been realistic but she was still devastated. "So what do I do? Do I hospitalize him again? Take him back to the same place that failed to help him before?"

"This isn't about helping him right now. It's about keeping him safe from himself."

"What about if he runs from me? What do I do then?"

Angela reached across the table. She firmly gripped Brennan's arm. "Then you do what you didn't do that night. You go after him."

Booth had made the short commute from the bedroom to the couch when Brennan arrived home. Despite the change in scenery he still slept the deep sleep only induced by powerful medications. She stood over him to watch with a barrage of unanswered questions rolling through her mind. How had Booth managed to get another prescription? When? Why? Why wasn't the birth of his daughter enough to bring him back to life? Why wasn't their love enough? A tear fell down her cheek. "Booth." She pushed at his shoulder.

It took him a few seconds before he squinted up at her. He studied her before asking, "Christine?"

Knowing their confrontation was due to be an all out battle, Brennan had left their daughter in the care of Angela. "She's taken care of. We need to talk."

Those four words were sure to strike panic in the hearts of others. Booth appeared unmoved. He continued to stare at her dully. She inhaled deeply to gather up her strength. "I want to know where you've hidden your pain killers."

He blinked before furrowing his brow. "What?"

"I know you've been consuming some sort of prescription pain reliever. The evidence has been in front of me for some time now. I've been too distracted to see it through. Since you have no desire to take care of yourself its up to me. Now please, tell me where your medication is."

He was on his feet in an instant. "Why?"

"So I can dispose of it, and we can get you proper help."

"Help?" He laughed. "No. Forget it. Can't help. No one. No drugs anyways." His back turned on her.

"Booth, I'm not a fool. I know the symptoms. I see the signs. You're depressed and want relief. I can understand that. But doing this to yourself isn't the answer. It only complicates matters. You deserve better than what you are doing to yourself."

He appeared to her as though a feral animal had taken control of him. "You did to me." He accused.

She winced. She should have been prepared, but the remark was still wounding. "That doesn't matter right now. If you aren't willing to tell me where your medication is I'll be forced to find it myself. I'd really prefer it not come to that. I'd like us to reach an agreement as far as getting you the help you need." She could see that idea was rapidly flying out the window with her hope. "Don't you want to get better? Don't you want to be healthy?"

"No." He barked. His hardened glare sent shivers down her spine. Step by step he was backing away from her. She'd alienated him, and there was little she could do to repair the situation. Not that she would stop trying. "Please. I know you haven't been happy for a long time. I know now that without going through the proper channels nothing is going to change that. No one event is going to undo the damage that's been done to your brain. I should have realized it earlier. But self medicating isn't a solution, either." She brazenly accepted a step forward. "I'm trying, Booth. But you need to meet me half way."

"Leave me alone." He hissed.

She tugged her bottom lip into her mouth with her teeth. She should have known he wouldn't make this easy on her. Without another word she left him to stew in the living room. She crossed the apartment until she reached the bathroom where she shut herself in by locking the door. She inhaled to clear her mind. Then she let her eyes guide her mind. Every crevice was examined closely. Every loose floorboard. Every concealed hole in the wall. Above the medicine cabinet over the sink the wood had splintered. Brennan was careful in climbing atop of the toilet lid and leaning over investigate. She used her fingernail to scrape at a small piece. The action was just enough. A chip tipped forward and dropped into the sink. Behind it were several prescription bottles. Her heart forgot how to beat.

She jumped at the sudden sound of Booth pounding on the door. Whatever she intended to do next she needed to decide quickly. A check of the labels told her he'd been taking several different strong pain killers. Each listed a different location on where it'd been filled. What doctor had prescribed it. Going to different doctors to get different scripts was a well known scam run by addicts. "You really do have a problem," she whispered out loud. Before any further action could be taken by either of them she popped off the lids one by one and dumped them into the toilet. Just as the lock gave way on the door she flushed.

The two stood in a face off. Meekly Brennan held up the empty bottles. "You were taking all these at once? This is a deadly combination. Were you trying to harm yourself?"

She received no response. He allowed his face to relax. Blankly his eyes stared straight through her. The last bit of resolve she'd had slipped down the drain. The man she loved; had had a child with; had shouldered all the blame for his current condition, had become a full out danger to himself. Nothing was keeping him tied to reality. He wanted to purge all the pain, regardless of the cost. And in that critical moment she lost sight of herself. "ANSWER ME!" She screamed at him in a voice she'd never heard come out of her before. An open palm shoved him in the chest.

He spoke coldly. "Want to die."

Brennan felt all the air dissipate from the room. She watched in stunned horror as he turned around and walked away. Underneath her nose Booth had hit rock bottom. She'd been so distracted as a new mother she hadn't realized what had been occurring before her very eyes. He'd had no more left to give, and so he'd quit before he'd appropriately gotten a kick start into trying. Well, if he wasn't able to fight for himself then she would.

By the time she caught up with him he was starting out the front door. "Where are you going?"

Booth didn't answer her. But he didn't need to. They both knew the deadly intentions he had in mind. She stood behind him. "Booth, I let you walk out that door once. It was the biggest mistake of my life." Cautiously she took a hold of his wrist. "I won't do it again. Don't go."

"Why stay?"

"Because I love you," she started to cry. "And while I am capable of mastering many things, I don't believe I can learn to live without you. I'm not here out of guilt, or because of Christine. I'm standing here because I love you. I love you so much. And I just want you to get better."

He rotated around to look her in the eyes. Their gaze held. Slowly he started to sink to the floor. She pressed him back against the wall to bring him down into a sitting position. He cried so quietly that she was unaware of his emotions until the tears on his face caught in the light of the lamp mounted over them. It was her action of wrapping her arms around his shoulders that broke the levee. He sobbed harder than she'd ever heard before. They wept, clinging to one another as though they were the only two left on earth.