Mucho apologies that this is so late, but I came down with holiday-itis and could NOT stop watching Howls Moving Castle and Sailor Moon…really bad, undubbed Sailor Moon on YouTube. It's just as cute as I remember, and get this: I haven't watched it for seven years, but I still remember the theme song!!
The human brain is really cool.
Yeah.
Thanks for being patient, and I think this is the penultimate chapter, everyone!
So…
DISCLAIMER: I'm Eoin Colfer. Seriously.
Oh, wait. I'm not!
The Sue Slayers
Chapter…seriously, I can't remember.
Buddha and His Giant Plasma TV
'Excerpt from ARTEMIS APOCALYPSE, page 17
The Seven Sues of Artemis Fowl fanfiction are the Minerva Sue, the Arty's Daughter Sue, The Random Student/Everyday Gal Sue, the Hybrid Fairy Sue, the Maid/Babysitter Sue, the Parents Friend Sue and the relatively new, fellow Genii/Crim Sue.
All are dangerous when in 'Stripped back form.''
Unfortunately, unlike most protagonists with owies, I didn't get a nice long rest to cough up water. No, about four point seven seconds after Amelia abandoned (1) me, a Fanboy (rather rare) dove for the fountain and smacked me in the face with his foot.
So I was hacking up water and the blood that was now pouring out my nose was staining my shirt.
Oh happy day.
I rolled off the rim and crawled across the mud before struggling up. I had to walk.
There was no way in hell I was crawling over gravel.
I stoggured over to the shrubbery and began to look for 730-Days Boy, or whatever his name was. Oh, and Artemis. (2)
Finally, after parting the lavender, I found them. A-drian or whatever his name was- was sprawled out on his stomach under some azaleas and Artemis was meditating under the magnolias where I'd left him.
A-ndrew looked up.
"Finally!" he said. "Given up?"
"Yeah, you cab go." I spluttered. "Fiss off, kid."
"No, that's not very nice." Said the kid. He grabbed his gun, scrambled to his feet and ran off.
I stepped into the garden and leant against some rhododendrons, sighing.
Peace.
For about five bloody seconds.
I launched into a major coughing fit, bringing up about four litres of water with some of the blood mixed in and unfortunately (3) I disturbed Artemis from his meditation.
"What happened to you?" he asked, pulling a neatly folded tissue from his spotless jacket and handing it to me. I repressed the urge to throw dirt at him.
"Fanbirls are goob swibbers." I pinched the tissue over my nose. "And I felb in da fountain. 'S all your fault, boo. Too, I beam."
Artemis seemed to suppress a smirk. "How is it my fault?"
"Your fanbirls."
He seemed to consider my argument for all of three nanoseconds.
"If you tip your head back, the bleeding will stop."
"By neck hurts too buch."
"So you fell in to the fountain."
"Sord of. A Fanbirl pushed be under and I like, nearly died or whadever."
I recover from trauma quickly. I'm like, the Queen of trauma recovery.
"And hab you been having fun with the Slayer?"
I unpinched the tissue slightly. The bleeding had slowed a little, and I could talk without sounding like a complete imbecile. (4)
"It was a laugh riot." Said Artemis in a dry voice.
I pulled out my gun and checked it would still fire, before reloading.
Artemis handed me another tissue. I used it to wipe all the blood (5) off my face.
"Why on earth do you do this?"
"Huh?" I asked. There had been some pips in my ear and I was trying to hear what the person was saying.
Artemis sighed. "Why do you fight Fangirls and Mary Sues? I can't see a valid reason-"
"Shut yo face."
I tuned into the right frequency.
"Great work guys! There are only forty left! Now, team B report to the oak, while C takes the Squee. Dicktation, you sweep the house. A, you check the perimeter, and what-"
The transmission cut off.
"Weird." I said quietly, yanking out my ear piece. It tangled in my hair and I had to yank out a huge clump of it.
"Must be waterlogged. What were you prattling on about?" I asked sweetly.
Artemis looked up through the leaves for a moment, then looked back at me.
"Why do you fight Fangirls and Mary Sues-"
"And Bad OCs and clichés."
"And Bad OCs and clichés?"
"Oh, and shippers….and flamers. Shippers are really hard to-"
"Yes, but why? Why do you fight them? They aren't truly hurting anybody."
The world stopped spinning, the sky fell down and hit me in the head, God threw a temper tantrum and Buddha decided he wanted a giant plasma TV…all for himself!!
No one had ever asked me that.
Groundbreaking, Buddha buying moment.
"Uh…." I said. "You bresent a bighty fine argument there, Arty-boy. Um-"
I really, really needed to get out of there.
Why couldn't I come up with something? I was a FAN FICTION writer for crying out loud. I was meant to lie!
Suddenly, I realised the music had stopped too.
"That's not right." I whispered. Artemis tilted his head three degrees to the right.
I stood suddenly, dropping the tissues.
Nobody was moving.
Every Slayer, every Fangirl, every Canonist, every Fangirologist, every ant, every living organism was standing stock-still, staring at the gates.
Seven beautiful women stood at them in a perfectly straight line.
As one, the Slayers all loaded with a click and pointed their guns at the Mary Sues.
Artemis made the biggest mistake of his life just then…well, would've.
He stood up, but even before he got past the hydrangeas, I tackled him and pinned him to the ground, sticking my elbow in his appendix.
"Do not move." I whispered. "Those are Mary Sues…if they hear you…mate, you're a goner." I said that last bit in a terrible Aussie accent.
I heard gunfire-but no explosions.
I got off Artemis (6) and looked over to the gates, jogging forward and hiding behind a handy bush.
The middle Sue, the one with long, curly, golden, shining, insert adjective of your choice here hair was holding out some kind of lightsaber handle, which was projecting a translucent blue shield.
The Minerva Sue. The thing MINAS members hated, the Canon turned Sue by jealous Fangirls and Suethors.
Now, as you may have read in the ARTEMIS APOCALYPSE excerpt, there are seven Mary Sues in the Artemis Fowl fandom. They are the core basics of each Sue. For example, they have the most common looks chosen by the Suethor for their characters.
The Minerva, or Canon-Sue is always blonde with curly hair and is a genii. The Arty's daughter Sue has raven black hair and is either a genii or incredibly talented at almost everything.
The Minerva Sue, who was on the left of the Daughter Sue, stepped forward.
In a deep sensual voice, she announced;
"We haf comme, to tayk Artumies. Brung him to us.now."
The Hybrid Fairy Sue on the end, with violet eyes and dark lilac (7) hair held up a big gun. So big, it would make the Terminator put his hands up and go, 'I submit. You may terminate.'
The Random Student/Everyday Gal Sue was on the other end. She had deep auburn hair and a naughty schoolgirl uniform on. You know, mini pleated skirt, tied up top, pigtails and fishnets. She was chewing gum and holding a large, large knife.
Of course, the Babysitter/Maid Sue was the exact opposite of her, the epitome of randomne-I mean, the epitome of averageness. Brown hair, brown eyes, plain clothes…on a models figure. She'd end up being pretty under her glasses, and have a wit and intelligence rival to Einstein's. If Einstein was witty…uh, a wit on par with some great witty author.
Then we had the 'Hitlers Dream' or Parents Friend Sue. We called them Hitlers Dream, because they were always Aryan, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She was standing slightly behind the Crim Sue.
Ah, the Crim Sue. My second most hated Canon-Enemy, straight after Level 23 US-Strain 2-67-976 Fangirls.
I would've gone into more detail, but I wanted to get back to narrating.
"Vair's ARTY?" asked the Babysitter/Maid Sue.
"Yeah, like, where's Artemis?" the Schoolgirl Sue blew a gum bubble.
"HE'S NOT HERE!" All the Slayers yelled.
"You lie!" cried the PF Sue.
"We don't!" yelled the Slayers. God, they really had this Sue-fighting thing down.
Please note my sarcasm.
"You lie!"
"We don't!"
"You lie!"
"We don't!"
"You lie!"
"We don't!"
"You lie!"
"We don't!"
"You lie!"
"We don't!"
"You lie!"
"We don't!"
Everybody began to yell. I heard names that can't be repeated, insults that burnt my ears, and somebody yelled, 'For Carlisles sake, move the chapter along! Where's the main character?!'
Sometimes I hate being a protagonist.
I ducked down again and stuck my hand in my shoe pocket, scrabbling around for it, where was it…where….yes! I tucked the small bottle into my waistband and covered it with my t-shirt, before standing again.
I marched across the battlefield, through the yelling Slayers and the Fangirologists, who weren't really paying attention. (8)
And the Canonists were gone, searching Fowl Manor for Artemis, so they could get him to safety.
I passed the fountain. Amelia, who was standing on one leg with her right hand on a yellow dot grinned at me.
I looked at the Sues. They looked like a set of Bratz dolls. Vicious, vicious Bratz dolls.
As I walked slowly though the field, I found myself pondering Artemis' question.
Why did we do this? Why did we risk our lives to save fictional characters from bad dreams and things that went bump in the night?
Now that I thought about it….
I didn't know.
I remembered walking through libraries as a toddler, touching all the books and wondering what they were about.
We had photos of me as a baby with baby books with bright pictures all around me.
At primary school I had three friends. I can't remember two of them, but the other was Elliot.
All we did was read. The characters were our real friends. Harry, the Baby Sitters Club, Superfudge, Morris Gleitzman, Paul Jennings, Enid Blyton.
The worlds we could escape to. Each book, each chapter, each word was a gateway to a different place where I could be ten metres tall, be the most beautiful girl in the world or a princess.
They were magic. The characters were real. I knew they were – I'd met Artemis. I'd seen flying bird kids. I'd been to the Cullens house. (9)
They were my friends, in a slightly stalkery way.
I shook those deep, ten fathom thoughts out of my head. Ten metres to the Sues.
It was weird. I remembered those books better than the rest of my childhood.
I was in front of the Minerva Sue-or as close as I could get without touching the shield.
"Where's Artemiss" she asked.
"Not here." I shrugged.
Minerva-Sue bent down. "This is hisss Canonverse. Of courssse he'sss here." She hissed.
"He's in our imagination." I told her.
"He's real."
"He's fake."
"He's a person."
"He's a creation."
"You're a bitch."
"You're a one dimensional cliché!"
"You're a badly written OC!"
"Um…you…are from Tasmania!"
"That doesn't mean anything! (10) You're short!"
"You're a genius who can't even use proper grammar!"
"You have very bad hair."
"You love….John Howard!"
"Well, you love….Neil Diamond!"
"Well, you're going to marry…uh, Mr. G!"
"You listen to Paris Hilton."
Oh.
No.
She.
DIDN'T!
"Now that is just way, way too far." I whispered.
The Minerva Sue straightened up. "Oh yeh? Whatcha gonna do bout it?"
"PLOT DEVICE!" I yelled, grabbing the bottle and spraying her in the eyes with Chanel No5.
She dropped the lightsaber thingy and clawed at her face, shrieking.
The Slayers realised the shield had gone, and went crazy, shooting up a storm and the Sues exploded in big, bloody messes.
All over me.
"Oh, for Jeebus' sake!" I screamed, spitting out the Aryans blood and wiping bits of Crim Sue eyeball off my face.
The music instantly kicked in again. Gyroscope. Australia.
I really, really wanted to go home then.
"In the early 80's when I washed up on the shore
I could breathe a little more than I would realise
You can call me crazy,
You can call me what you will
You could take the bitter pill, if it helps you sleep at night."
Or, alternatively, a lamington would do.
The Slayers began to scrape up the remainder of the Sues.
I jumped as someone grabbed the one clean part of my t-shirt. It had been protected by…oh Carlisle. A massive, matted knot of my hair.
'I can safely say we feel as safe as we like
Lest we forget those who die, I never will
Such a perfect Island, tucked away in the sea.'
"Good job." Said Amelia, pulling me away. "If it was up to me, I would've used Pine-O-Cleen, but great improvising." (11)
I spat out a little more blood.
"You have no idea how great that makes me feel."
"I think I do."
Can't ANYONE tell when I'm being sarcastic?
Amelia clicked her tongue as we approached the fountain.
"Pack it up guys! We're going home."
'The real land of the free, do you hear me?
Its a long way home my crooked friend,
But I do appreciate the time we spent
Its a long, long way back home.'
I sat gingerly on the edge of the fountain, keeping one eye nervously on the water.
I wouldn't be swimming for a long, long time.
(1) Yes Amelia, ABANDONED! All ALONE!
(2) Oh, I was going to hurt him. Stupid genius canon Irishman.
(3) Now imagine….sarcasm.
(4) Relatively speaking.
(5) And snot.
(6) NO, no, that came out the wrong way, you dirty, dirty minded people.
(7) Yes, you did read that right. Dark lilac.
(8) Who the hell brings Twister to a battle?
(9) Oh yeah…that had something to do with the lamingtons.
(10) HOW DARE SHE??
(11) That is how you spell Cleen, in advertising language anyway.
そうか。思考か。、それあった第2 最後の章が覚えれば私は300 の検討に得ることを望む。それがとても涼しいので!
so? Gedanken? erinnern Sie sich, das war das zweite letzte Kapitel und ich möchte an 300 Zusammenfassungen gelangen. Weil das SO KÜHL sein würde!
Seriously, how would I get by without my little translator thingy? I loooove it!
Yeah, it says,
so? thoughts? remember, that was the second last chapter and I'd like to get to 300 reviews. Because that would be SO COOL!
Yes, Nicola, it would be cool.
Thanks for reading…
Lotsa love,
Nicola.
Next chapter up: I'm going away for a week, so nine or ten days? That good?
Word count: Including this little sentence I'm only putting in to bump up the count, 2350!!