Hola!
I know it had been awhile, but at least, this chapter is long... Not the longest i have wrote but it is long! :)
My beta got back to me! SO to MoonstarWorld, Special thanks! She is awesome!
Anyhow, save copyright rules apply. I do not own Star Trek
Chapter 21:
The Mind's Depths
It was total darkness for Jim with no up or down. He couldn't tell what was going on or if he still existed in time. His mind was so confused that he did not know what was real anymore. He didn't know if his memories were real, or what was true. What he did know was that he was trapped somewhere, and he had no idea of how to get out.
Did he want to get out? Did he want to face his demons? He didn't know if he would be able to. He wasn't able to see the past, or what he thought was the past. He was just spineless baby, who couldn't do anything but whine in a corner. He was weak and he was a coward. There was no point in denying it, though he wasn't sure if it was something he could fix. His fear had taken ahold of him, and he didn't know if he could free himself of the pain.
He could see something had taken ahold of him and had pulled him deeper…
Jim's back had started to hurt from sleeping on the floor, but he still could not go anywhere near the bed, which served as a reminder to his failure. Instead, he just lay on the floor with a pillow under his back as he stared up at the ceiling. A tray of food on the table was left touched but not eaten, while another half-eaten tray had been thrown in the trash. Dr. M'Benga had sat with him the day before and made him eat as he watched, making something as simple as eating into a painfully awkward moment. He wasn't a child, though if he thought about it, he was acting like a child. No wonder why no one wanted him to be the captain.
"Shut it," he told himself as he pushed himself up. "Just suck it up." He had to stop acting like a baby and grow up.
He crossed to the desk and took a seat in front the tray. He slowly picked up the fork, but he couldn't do anything besides poking at the replicated food. Forcing himself, he put it to his mouth, as he wasn't a child and he didn't need someone to feed him. As the food neared his mouth, the smell made him nauseous. In fact, he was going to puke. Feeling something rise up to the back of his throat, he bolted to bathroom. He didn't bother to check if the room was empty. The only ones allowed to use it were himself, and a certain First Officer, who should be on duty.
Jim didn't enjoy puking, and this time was no different, even if he had nothing in his stomach to puke up. He was going through the painful motions of dry heaving, coughing up a small amount of his stomach acid. His stomach ached as it forced the air out. His throat burned as he arched forward over the toilet. His back throbbed as he leaned over and rested his forehead against the toilet. He felt like he was on fire as he struggled to breathe. What the hell was wrong with him? He couldn't even puke without turning into a baby.
It wasn't until he pushed himself off the toilet that he realized that he was not alone. Standing in the doorway was his traitorous First Officer, who was looking at him with disgust, though Spock would never admit to it. He was too goddamn perfect for that. The Vulcan never made a mistake and it made Jim sick. Without saying a word, Jim pushed himself to his feet and turned to the door.
"If you are ill, Captain, you should go see Dr. McCoy," Spock stated in his monotone voice that drove Jim up a wall.
Jim glanced over his shoulder at Spock. He didn't have the energy for this argument, though Spock would refuse to acknowledge it as one. "I'm not sick, Commander," Jim responded. "And you can ask M'Benga if you like. He can attest to that." Jim knew why the Vulcan kept pushing him to see McCoy. He wanted him declared medically unstable and needed the CMO to assist him as M'Benga would not sign off on it.
"I do not know if I value Dr. M'Benga's diagnosis as you are clearly not well."
"Why do you care if I'm sick?" Jim asked, knowing that Spock was trying to take his ship from him. Why did he have to take everything from him? Couldn't he just leave him with something? Unable to take whatever answer Spock had, he bolted out of the room, shutting the door behind him. He couldn't take the look the Vulcan was giving him. Those judging eyes cut through him. They made him feel like a child and a failure, and he was sick of always being a failure.
Storming into his quarters, he couldn't contain his anger any longer. He flung the tray off the table, and kicked the food across the room, but it wasn't enough. Turning to his makeshift bed, he kicked it until it was against the wall. He was sick and tired of feeling like this; he was sick and tired of being treated like shit. He was sick of the looks and the whispers, but there wasn't much he could do. He brought this onto himself; he was the reason. There was no one else to blame but himself.
It made him feel like he was worthless and that pissed him off. He wasn't worthless. He had proved that when he saved the Earth. He was the damn captain! He was supposed to be a leader, but why didn't he feel like one? Why did he allow himself to be beaten? Why didn't he stand up for himself?
His life was different after that one night, and it hit him hard by how much it had affected him. He realized it had to do with how weak he felt. His strength had left him. How could he allow that to happen to him? Why wasn't he strong enough? If it was possible, negative thoughts flooded his mind, forcing out everything else.
He crossed to the monitor as he needed to vent what he was feeling, but who he could he talk to? He couldn't keep calling Selek with all of his problems. The Vulcan elder shouldn't waste all of his valuable time on him when he had other things to worry about; besides he already regretted calling Selek in the first place. He felt like a child, needing someone to hold his hand as he cried. He refused to be a child.
Shaking his head, he stepped away from the monitor and moved towards the door. He had to get out of this room before he did something crazy. He didn't want to contact someone and then regret what he might say. Though he was fighting it, there was a part of him that agreed with Spock. He knew if he stayed, he might give in, and resign his position. He knew he was a huge mess. Spock was right; he was losing it. He had lost what made him a good captain.
*O*O*
*O*O*
Selek watched as Spock readied himself to enter Jim's mind. They both knew it would be difficult as Jim would not want Spock in his mind. Jim would fight him every step of the way, which would hurt both Spock and himself, and the damage could not be repaired if the young Vulcan was not careful. There was a part of him that worried about letting Spock enter Jim's mind, but he was the only choice. They were each other's other half, even if Spock did not deserve him, even after everything that happened, even if Jim hated him. They belonged together.
The elder Vulcan took a deep breath as he thought about how their lives would have been had Spock not turned away from Jim. He had enjoyed a love-filled life with his own Jim that ended too soon. The younger Vulcan did not know how wonderful he had it, being able to love Jim from nearly the moment they met, and it annoyed him that Spock threw it all away without a second thought. If he really cared, wouldn't he have fought for it? Why did he just let Jim go so easy? If it had been him, he would not have let Jim go. He would have asked Jim for the truth. Now, he had to help his counterpart get back what little was left of their relationship.
"Are you prepared?" Selek asked as he glanced around the room. Dr. McCoy, though not pleased about it, had left them alone with Jim and had cleared the area so no one would interrupt them. He understood that they needed to do this in private, even if he did not want to leave Jim's side. Selek did not blame him, knowing that McCoy regretted everything he had done; plus, knowing Jim, he would probably die or stop breathing the second he left. The kid was near death more often than anyone else he knew.
"I shall never be ready," Spock answered. He glanced down at Jim.
Selek stared at him, feeling foolish for even asking. He had known the answer without even looking at Spock. "You understand what you need to do. You must be careful not to rip apart Jim's mind," he warned.
"You do not need to warn me. I am aware," he answered.
"You must not take anything in his mind personally," Selek added. He had been inside of Jim's mind before, and it wasn't like anything he had expected. It was difficult to be inside of Jim's mind, feeling everything that Jim was feeling. The hatred nearly overtook him. "If you allow it to, you will fail."
Spock did not look at Selek as he kept his eyes on Jim's blank face. "You fail to take into account that this is my fault," Spock responded. "I can never get rid of that feeling." He paused. "It is a haunting feeling."
"Then you should not enter Jim's mind," Selek answered.
"You may be correct, but we cannot wait," Spock stated. There was something in Spock's voice that worried Selek. He did not sound defeated, but he did not sound certain of himself. He was unsure of what the young Vulcan was thinking. "Jim's readings are decreasing with every hour. We must do this now."
"I have seen his readings," Selek replied as he looked up at the monitor above Jim's head. "Are you ready to enter his mind?"
"I am," Spock stated as he leaned forward and placed his hand over Jim's face.
*O*O*
*O*O*
When Jim woke up, he had made a plan to go with the next landing party, but the second he stepped on the bridge and gave the order, he froze and his heart stopped. He couldn't even start the sentence to say he was going with them. He couldn't do anything besides staring forward with his mouth wide open. If there had been any flies on the ship, they would have flown right in his mouth. He knew he looked like an idiot, but he couldn't say anything. He couldn't make a sound. How pathetic was that?
"Are you going with the landing party, Captain?" Spock asked. His eyes were glaring eyes into Jim's back.
Jim knew what the question really was; it was a test. It always was a fucking test. The Vulcan was looking for a way to take his ship from him, and he would do anything to achieve it. If Jim didn't watch, Spock would succeed, though if he couldn't get a sentence out, may be Spock was correct. However, he was going to go down fighting no matter what, even if the odds were stacked high before him. And at the moment, they were.
"Are you okay, Captain?" Uhura asked, stressing his rank. Her bitterness was dripping from her words. If looks could kill, Jim would be dead. "Do you need a doctor, Sir?" Each word was colder than the last.
"…No, I don't," Jim stated, as he glanced around the bridge and seeing every eye on him. He had tried to tell himself that they all didn't hate him, but he was failing. All he could see was his failure in their eyes; he could see their distrust in him. He knew they didn't trust him or his decisions anymore.
"I can beg to differ," Uhura shot back.
She was getting bolder in her comments, and Jim knew as her Captain, he should stop it, but at that moment, he didn't have the strength. He really had nothing to say in his defense. "Just send out the party, Commander," he stated as turned away from the crew. Jim didn't give anyone a second look as he entered the lift, and the second the doors closed, he fell to his knees in mental and physical exhaustion.
He knew his insomnia was hurting him. He wasn't able to walk the ship like he used to. He couldn't even walk to the bridge from his quarters without being out of breath. His strength was weakening, which was probably a good thing that he didn't go with the landing party. He didn't need to slow everyone down.
And there it was his answer. He knew what he was doing, but he couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop attacking himself, because he blamed himself for it. He was the reason why it happened. If he had been stronger, if he wasn't some pathetic loser, none of it would have happened.
Stop it! He yelled at himself. But how could he stop it? He was right. He was a loser that no one wanted. He didn't even trust himself, which was the issue. He couldn't even look at himself without feeling disgusted. How could he have let that happen? Even with all that he had been through, he had never hated himself.
He knew the secret of how to get better and that was stopping these thoughts. It involved forgiving himself, but how could he forgive himself when he had hurt anyone so badly? Though Jim hated his First Officer at the moment, he knew how much pain the Vulcan was going through. And it was his fault. He was the reason.
No, you aren't! A voice in his head shouted, like it had been saying since it happened, but Jim wasn't listening. One, he never listened, and two, if it was in his head, it couldn't be correct. He was never correct about anything. His ideas never turned out well for anyone, as they at times got people killed and he always ended up in the medical bay. Stop it, the voice stated. Shaking his head, he pushed himself to his feet and closed his eyes as he tried to catch his balance. After taking a deep breath, he headed to the Medical Bay. Though he did not want to see McCoy, he needed to see M'Benga, or he was going to go crazy if he wasn't already passed that point.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the medical bay and took a look around. Not seeing McCoy, he stepped deeper into the bay. His stomach growled and his body ached as he walked through the noisy sick bay. The nurses, who were talking up a storm, looked up and greeted him, though the greeting felt more of an attack than anything else. They were all judging him with those eyes, probably after hearing McCoy bitch. Shaking his head, he glanced at Nurse Chapel, who was looking at him differently than the others. He could see that she was worried about him as he did look like shit. He had lost a large amount of weight, and he was beginning to look like a zombie.
Jim passed by McCoy's office, and he could see the CMO was sitting behind the desk working on a report. He didn't notice Jim staring at him. McCoy looked different, he looked older. Jim stared at him, fighting the urge to go in there and speak to him. They hadn't spoken to each other since the fight in the transporter room, and he had wanted to speak to him, if only to argue. Since that day, he had only seen McCoy once or twice, and the look in his eyes stopped Jim in his tracks.
There was another part of him that was livid. McCoy had no right to be mad; he wasn't the one raped. He wasn't the one everyone hated; Jim was the one who was falling apart. He was the one dying on the inside. McCoy had no right at all to be angry. Besides, he was supposed to be his best friend, who was supposed to be with him until the end. What the hell happened for this to have occurred? Shaking his head, he stepped away from the office.
A few feet away, he felt dizzy and had to stop to take a breath. "Come on, Jim," he whispered. His stomach groaned in pain from vomiting and lack of food. Taking another deep breath, Jim pushed himself forward to where Dr. M'Benga was located. The Doctor was sitting in the back of the bay with a P.A.D.D. in front of him. "M'Benga," Jim called when he come within a few feet of the Doctor.
The doctor looked up and his smile narrowed into a frown. "You haven't been eating," he stated.
"I tried," was Jim's response.
"And you aren't sleeping either," M'Benga stated as he pulled a medical curtain around them. "Sit here." He pointed toward a bench.
Jim closed his eyes as he obeyed. "Can you give me something?" he asked, no begged. He sounded pathetic.
"Captain Kirk, I'm afraid I can't until you see a therapist. Giving you all of these drugs, isn't good for you," M'Benga stated as he waived the medical scanner above Jim. "You need to eat."
"I tried."
M'Benga backed up slightly as he looked him over. "If you don't eat, you will end up in one of these beds, or worse, dead."
"I'm trying. Don't you think I'm trying?" Jim pushed himself to his feet and pushed pass M'Benga. "I don't want to be like this. I want to eat. I want to sleep, but I…." He drifted off, unable to finish his sentence. Every time he had tried, his mind would freak, and he lost the ability to breathe.
"Kirk," M'Benga said as he turned to Jim, who was now pacing.
"I tried to eat earlier, but I just puked." Jim shook his head violently. "And Commander Spock was there to see it!" He stated, angry. "Just one more thing that Vulcan can use against me."
There was a long pause. "I can prescribe you something now, but only a few pills. You need to speak to someone."
Jim took another deep breath. "I would if there was someone," he answered as a flash of dizziness passed through him. He blinked a few time to focus his mind and took another deep breath. "There's no one," he stated. Everyone that he had ever trusted had turned on him, and he didn't want to put any more on Chekov and Scotty.
M'Benga backed up and handled him a bottle with a few pills. "Go back to your quarters and take one. After you sleep, let me know if you're feeling any better."
"I will."
"And you need to stop sleeping on the floor," M'Benga stated. "You're killing your spine."
"I can't sleep on that bed," Jim stared as he pushed open the curtain. "I can't sleep on any bed."
"Kirk."
Jim shook his head and stepped away in a rush. He couldn't take talking anymore; he couldn't take baring his soul to anyone. If he did that, they would probably just stab him in the back. Shaking his head, he stormed pass McCoy, who had come out of his office, and out of the medical bay.
*O*O*
*O*O*
When Spock first entered Jim's mind, he had expected there to be some kind of fight, but it was too calm and that worried him. A mind such as Jim's should have more energy than this, but now it was dull, almost boring. There was nothing, and that was a horrible sign. Jim's wonderful mind should not be this quiet. It should be bright and vivid.
The young Vulcan took a long look around, but there was nothing. The grey sky was empty. The dull grey, ground went on forever, and no matter how far he walked, nothing changed and he got nowhere. He even tried to influence Jim's mind with his own, but nothing happened. He continued the trek for what seemed like days.
Spock was about to pull himself out of Jim's mind as he felt his own mind slipping. He was losing control as Jim's mind started to influence his, but before he could leave, a shadow took shape a few feet in front of him. The shadow was tiny compared to Spock, who towered over it. Spock couldn't speak as he watched the shadow form into a boy, who looked barely older than eight Earth years. However, it was hard to be sure of the age as the body was tiny, and he was drowning in his clothes. He looked like he had not eaten in a long time.
The boy stared at Spock with such an intensely, but he did not speak.
"Are you well?" Spock asked after five minute of what seemed to be a staring contest.
"You don't belong here!" The child hollered. His eyes looked dull, like his soul was dead.
This child was not Jim; Spock knew this, but he was a part of Jim's consciousness. He may not be Jim, but he was the key to finding the real Jim. "I came to speak to James. May I speak to him?" he asked. He would start out easy for now.
"No."
"If I do not speak with him, he will surely die," Spock stated.
The child tilted his head. "You have already hurt him. I can't let you do it again."
"It was a mistake."
"A stupid mistake." The child glared. "Go away!" The boy bolted.
Unsure of what else to do, Spock followed after the small boy, who was way too fast for his age and health, and to make it even harder, the surroundings begun to change rapidly. Trees and brushes popped out from the ground as a playground appeared in the background. The child sat on a swing with his head drooping, and the swing was moving slightly back and forth on its own.
"What do you call yourself?" Spock asked when he stepped closer. The wind had started to pick up and it whipped him hard.
"It doesn't matter," he started. He kicked his feet forward.
"Where is Jim?" he asked switching to Jim. Maybe, the boy would respond better.
"Hiding."
"Do you know where he is?" Spock asked, as he eyed the boy's face.
"No."
He did not have time for the one word answers that were starting to annoy him. "Can you tell me of his state of mind?"
The boy looked up. "It isn't good."
"How do you know if you do not know where he is?" Spock asked as the weather started to change. The ground shook not long after it.
"Because I'm part of him," he answered. "I can feel him." He stressed the word feel. "And he doesn't want you here!"
"And I shall leave, but only after Jim wakes."
"He won't wake for you," the boy teased back as he jumped to his feet. "I won't let him!" The boy bolted again and everything started to change. "Not for you! Never for you!"
*O*O*
*O*O*
Doctor McCoy was going out of his mind after Selek had kicked him out of the room so Spock could have total quiet. He understood this was important, but it was torture to stand outside, not knowing what was happening. If this didn't work, McCoy wasn't sure what he would do. He knew he had a hand in Jim's current condition as he had turned his back on his former best friend. He was the one who refused to listen. He was the one who didn't give his Captain a chance to explain.
Shaking his head, McCoy stepped toward Salean, who Nurse Chapel had finished patching up. He would remain in the sick bay for another half an hour before they transferred him down to the brig. "How is the psychopath doing?" he asked.
"DO NOT CALL ME NAMES, DOCTOR!" Salean roared, "You are beneath me, Pet!"
McCoy glanced toward Chapel. "Has he been this way the whole time?"
She gave him her famous look. "Do you really need to ask?"
McCoy took a deep breath. "No, I guess I don't, but I want to make sure that he isn't abusing my staff."
Chapel glanced at him as if she wanted to say something, but didn't. She stared a moment longer before turning away. He knew she wanted to say something, and when she stayed silent meant that it would have been pretty bad. She never liked the rift between Jim and himself from the beginning, but never said anything to him about it. In fact, she didn't really talk to him during that time. Barely making eye contact, she treated him like had a disease. He knew why as Chapel was loyal to both him and her Captain. She may be playing well with him now, but he knew he would get it soon. She wouldn't let him live this down.
The doctor stared at Salean for a few seconds before turning and walking away. He glanced back to Jim's room, knowing that Jim's life was in danger. He knew he couldn't just stand there, but he couldn't leave either. Shaking his head, he turned back to his office, but stopped when he heard a familiar voice. It sounded like the woman that had accompanied Jim the event, and if he remembered correctly, her name was Aurelan. He remembered their encounter in the bar, and did not want to deal with her right now, but he wasn't that lucky.
"Where's Jim?" she demanded.
"How did you get in here?" he asked. There were supposed to be officers at the door so no unauthorized person entered. There was a highly dangerous criminal here.
"Where's Jim? I demand to know how he is," she stated as she stepped toward him.
McCoy looked at her. He knew she wasn't going to back down easily. "You aren't family," he answered, choosing the path that would be the best course of action. Though he didn't care what she thought, he did not want to set her off any more. He didn't need any more drama in the medical bay.
"Bullshit. I'm the closest thing to family he has."
He stared at her, trying to judge her statement. Jim had never mentioned her to him. "Listen sweetheart, just because you say that does not make you family, and I cannot release any information to you."
If it was possible, she would have exploded. "Don't fucking sweetheart me. I-"
McCoy knew that he had to stop her ranting before it disturbed Spock. "Enough! This is a medical bay, and you have no right to demand anything here!" This woman was pushing all of his buttons. "I need you to leave."
"I have every right," she countered. "No one else does."
He wasn't going to lie that hurt, because she was right. No one helped Jim when he needed it. Jim's friend or not, he still could not have her in here. "I still can't have you here," he stated as he waved a few security guards forward. "They're going to take you bring back to the observation deck."
"I won't go!" she yelled, as the security guards forcibly dragged her out. McCoy felt bad, because she was just as worried and concerned as he was, but he couldn't have anyone in the bay unless it was necessary. Shaking his head, he turned towards his office as he tried to get her yelling out of his head.
*O*O*
*O*O*
Did that really just happened? Did McCoy just walked out of the mess hall at the very sight of him? Jim couldn't believe that had just happened. Yes, he knew McCoy was pissed at him and they had a massive fight to end all fights, but this was too much. He couldn't stand the silence or this 'I can't be in the same room with you' thing. It was just a constant reminder of how much he had screwed up. It showed how much he had fallen in the eyes of his crew. How could he be the Captain when he chased people out of rooms? He hated that he had become a freak show.
Jim bolted out of the room as panic started to rise through him. He couldn't let anyone see him like this, though he had been very close to breaking and knew everyone could tell. Spock knew how to push him over the edge, and he did it often just to see if Jim would break. Sure that behavior pissed him off, but how could he run a ship when everyone was waiting for him to fail? How could he be here if no one wanted him? He couldn't blame them as he hated himself as well. He had failed, and how could he in good faith let himself captain when he didn't trust himself?
Once he entered his quarters, the weight of it all sent him to his knees. He didn't know how to deal with all of the hatred, anger, depression, or his distrust. The incredible weight took his breath away. "What's wrong with me?" he asked through his shallow breaths. "Everything," he breathed out. He had to do something or he was going to go crazy.
Selek had helped in more ways than Jim thought was possible. He didn't want to constantly lean on Selek, even if the older Vulcan reassured he could. He had more important things to do than deal with him, and Jim told him this each time. He wasn't important; he was trash that people kept using over again. Those were thoughts that Selek did not care for. He told Jim this may times and told him why, but Jim didn't believe him as his memories were of his Jim and not of him. In addition, those talks just pissed him off because he could never be like his Jim and he knew it. It just hurt to listen to them.
He let himself fall to the ground in exhaustion, not that he knew why he was so tired since he hadn't really done anything. Yes, he knew it could be related to his not eating or sleeping, and he desperately wanted to sleep… Wait! He suddenly remembered the sleeping pills that M'Benga had given him. Forcing himself up, he took a pill from the bottle and put it in his mouth, washing it down with a tiny bit of water. He needed this pill to work because it was only a matter of time before he truly went crazy.
Lying down on his back, he stared up at the ceiling as sleep started to overtake him. Just before he finally fell asleep, a horrible feeling of dread filled him.
*O*O*
*O*O*
When Spock came across the boy again, the park looked like a battleground, and the boy himself looked like he had gone through the wringer. The boy's clothes were muddy and torn, and he had a rather large black eye. "What has happened to you?" Spock asked.
The boy, who was again sitting on the swing, looked up at him. "Go away. You aren't wanted." He glanced back down at his shoeless feet. His socks were filthy with dirt and what appeared to be blood.
"Where is your footwear?" Spock asked. It was odd to him that this boy would not be wearing shoes, though nothing was odd in a mind. A mind was the place for illogical items.
"I didn't have time to put them on," he stated as he wiggled his feet.
"Why not," the Vulcan asked. He did not have time to waste on this child, but it was the only way he would get to Jim. This child looked a lot like his Jim.
The boy glanced at Spock again. "Why do you care?" he asked as the sky darkened, and it started to get cold.
"Why do you presume I do not?" he countered. Spock glanced up at the sky, knowing that it must mean something. Maybe, it had something to do with Jim, and if that was the case, he needed to find him as soon as possible. Jim could be close to death.
"Because of what you did to Jim."
The statement struck Spock hard, but he knew he couldn't let it get to him. "What happened to you?" he asked again, trying to clear his mind of guilt. He had to be focused on the task in front of him.
"Frank."
The child's voice shocked him; he sounded defeated and scared. "What did he do?" Spock asked, remembering the name Frank. Jim had once told him about his stepfather, and though it wasn't much, it was enough to paint a scary picture.
The child hopped to his feet. "Enough, Hobgoblin." A glare reappeared on the boy's face.
Spock raised an eyebrow. He did not understand the point of being called that name. He was not a hobgoblin, nor did he look like one. He was clearly a Vulcan. "You state you are not Jim, yet you treat Jim's injuries as your own," Spock stated.
"I'm not Jim. I'm his memories, and his feelings. I feel what he feels." The ground shook. "And he doesn't want you here."
Spock was growing impatient with this child, but he had to follow Selek's advice. "He needs to wake."
"He doesn't want to." The answer came out as a whine.
That took the very breath from Spock, and he had no idea how to respond.
"You hurt him," the boy stated. "You hurt him badly. I can see it." The boy started to shake as flashes of memories started to pass around them. "He doesn't want to wake up."
It shocked him, because that wasn't what he remembered of Jim. Jim was lively, bright, and a fighter to the end; he wasn't like this. "This is not-"
The ground shook again, sending Spock to his knees, but the boy didn't move. "You're running out of time." It was a mock this time.
"Why? Is it Frank?" Spock asked. He tried to look around but the ground was shaking too much. He couldn't get his bearings.
The boy tilted his head. "Frank's not here. I'm just living through a memory. That's not what's affected Jim."
"Then why am I running out of time?"
"Because Jim is running out of time."
*O*O*
*O*O*
"You look like death, McCoy," Admiral Pike stated from the doorway of Dr. McCoy's office.
McCoy glanced up at Pike. "Is Salean out of my sick bay yet?"
"Yes, he has been transferred to the brig, and the Enterprise is set to depart in half an hour for Earth," Pike stated.
The doctor looked up at him, confused. "What about the rest of the event or whatever you call it?" It wasn't important anymore, but they couldn't just leave, could they?
"Just the Enterprise is leaving. We need to get Salean to Earth before the Dalenien Counsel learns that we have taken Salean and Seleen." Pike took a seat on the sofa by the door.
McCoy flashed back to Jim, who had a bad habit of laying on it with his feet up whenever he came to visit. "Won't they demand their release anyway?" he asked.
Pike nodded. "They will, but there won't be anything they can do. They can attempt to fight it, but Salean and Seleen kidnapped and assaulted a Starfleet Officer at a Federation event." He took a deep breath. "I just want to get away before they start a fight at the colony. I'm not sure how this planet will react." Pike laid back and looked up.
"I understand that," McCoy stated as he looked over Jim's medical records again. Even after he learned everything, it still sickened him to know what had happened to Jim. He couldn't get the image of Jim's mutilated, bleeding side out of his head. How could someone do that to Jim?
Pike eyed Leonard. "How's Jim?" he asked. "I'm surprised that you aren't by his side."
"Not that I deserve it."
"No, you don't," Pike stated. "But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be there."
McCoy was surprised by Pike and how he was handling this. He expected, no deserved, for the Admiral to start yelling at him and tell him that he was a horrible person, but Pike wasn't like that. He didn't beat anyone while they were down. "Selek and Spock are with him. Doing one of those Vulcan mind melds."
Pike looked at McCoy for a few seconds. "He's that far gone?"
Hearing Pike ask that question made his stomach drop, nearly making him sick. He knew Jim was in critical condition and there was a high chance that he wouldn't make it, but it hurt to hear him say the words. "Yes," McCoy answered, not sure if he trusted himself to say anything else.
"Do you believe that's wise?" Pike asked.
"It-"
"The truth," Pike stated.
"No," McCoy answered, judging from the little knowledge that he had about those mind melds. He knew Jim would most likely fight Spock. "I don't." He paused as he took a breath. "But it's our only option right now."
"I don't doubt that, but I worry about Jim," Pike stated.
"I know you do, Admiral Pike," McCoy smiled weakly. Everyone knew Jim was like a son to Pike. The man would die if anything happened to him.
Pike slowly stood up and turned to the door. "I have to speak to Captain Pitts before we disembark." He took a deep breath. "And once we're off, I will need you down in the brig, Doctor."
McCoy knew why they needed a doctor down in the brig. They wanted to 'talk' with Salean and Seleen, and though they wouldn't intend things to get rough, having a doctor with them would be wise. "I can send Dr. M'Benga down," he stated.
"No, I want you," Pike stated at the doorway.
"Didn't you just ask me why I wasn't by Jim's side?"
Pike took a deep breath. "I did but I need you down in the brig."
"I don't want to leave Jim," Leonard stated. He didn't understand why he was explaining this.
"M'Benga has been taking care of Jim and can continue to do that. I need you down in the brig in an hour. I am understood?" Pike asked.
"But, Sir," McCoy pleaded. He knew he couldn't disobey the Admiral. He needed to understand that he couldn't leave.
"McCoy, that's an order."
The command stole the breath from McCoy. Pike may not have meant that as an insult, but that how he saw it. However, he knew he couldn't blame anyone else but himself. "I will be there," he stated.
"Good," Pike stated as he left, leaving McCoy's alone with his thoughts.
*O*O*
*O*O*
Jim's body felt like it was on fire and the pain made it almost impossible to breathe. He had no idea what was happening, but it couldn't be good. He knew he had to be dying, though he didn't know how or why. He wasn't even sure where he was or what was going on. The last thing he remembered was… Wait, he couldn't for the life of him remember how he got here. What he could remember was conflicting. In one memory, he was taking a sleeping pill because his nightmares kept him up, while in the other, he was chained down in a burning craft. He wasn't sure which memory was correct, but he knew he didn't like anyone of them.
Jim tried to shake himself into motion, but nothing wanted to respond. His body and mind were just a dull sense. He wasn't even sure he was breathing as the pain was growing out of nowhere. This pain was a mystery to him. Maybe, it was from the burning flames. Maybe, he was still in the burning craft. Or worse, maybe he was still with Salean and that almost stopped his heart. He couldn't take it if Salean still had him.
He tried shaking himself out of that thought, but he couldn't move. Maybe, he really never got away from Salean. Maybe he was still raping him. As Salean's hideous face came into his thoughts, he lost the ability to breathe. Even though he was finally aware that he was breathing, he couldn't keep his breath. To make it worse, his heart was racing, and he couldn't get it to slow down.
It was a horrible feeling to being dying, and Jim did not wish it on anyone other than Salean who deserved to die in the most painful way. Jim tried to think of happy thoughts to override the death feelings, but none of them were strong enough. All of those happy moments had been ruined, and now all they did was make him sick as the pain increased. The thoughts of the rape and torture overtook everything. All he could feel pain and hatred. He was losing himself.
Jim tried to move but nothing happened. He tried to scream, but there was no sound. He couldn't feel anything and even his pain went away, which was a bad. How could he exist if he couldn't feel anything? He kept asking himself if it was worth it. Maybe, he should just let go; it would make things easier… for everyone
*O*O*
*O*O*
The next thing that Spock knew, he was on the ground as everything trembled around him. He took a look around, trying to figure out his location, but all he could see was a desert and a cliff, with a long drop. A smashed crimson car was a few feet down, but as the ground shook, it was inching closer to him. Spock pushed himself up to move out of the way as the ground suddenly shifted and sent the car flying at him. Without thinking, his reflexes took action and the Vulcan jumped into a roll to get out of the way.
"Those are some quick reflexes," a voice stated.
Spock, still not able to get to his feet, turned his attention to the voice. The boy in front of him was not the same one that he had seen before. This child was older, but his state was still the same. He still looked like he had been through a terrible fight. "What is going on?" Spock asked as the ground shifted again.
The child, who looked to be around 15 now, took a few steps toward Spock. The shaking ground did not affect him, though his face was broken and bleeding like the ground around them. He was so thin his clothes barely clung to his frame. "Jim is dying."
Spock did not want to hear that. "Where is he? Let me see him. We do not have time for this," he stated as he looked over the teenager.
"It would be better if he died," the boy stated. He paused. "I won't let you near him."
It would be useless to fight with this teenager, but it was difficult to listen to him without getting angry. "Death is never the answer." He did not care what the reason is; death was not the answer. Life was something to be cherished and protected, not thrown away.
"In this case, it is," the battered teenager stated.
"What has happened to you?" Spock asked. He could not comprehend how it turned out like this. Maybe, something happened to this person, or rather Jim, to make him this cold.
The boy cocked his head. "You're asking about me when your time to save Jim is running out?" A crack ran through the ground, and the sky flashed as lightning struck two feet from them.
"To get to Jim, I must get passed you," the Vulcan stated. This teenager was the key to get to Jim, but he wasn't sure if he would be able to get passed him before it was too late. "And you reflect what has happened to Jim."
The boy turned and took a few steps away from Spock, who had finally pushed himself up onto his feet. "You left him. That's what happened."
"I made a mistake." Spock was and would be regretting that every second of his life. "I will suffer for it for the rest of my life."
"And Jim will pay for it with the rest of his life."
Spock knew he must not let this teenager get to him, because if he did, he would not be able to save Jim. He told himself that the child in front of him was not Jim; he was just a defense that the real Jim put up to keep him out. "I am not to blame for it all," he stated. "Salean is the beast who had attacked Jim."
The boy closed his eyes and fell back, as if he expected someone to catch him, and before Spock knew what had happened, everything around them changed. Now, he was a waist deep in roasting water, and the boy was gone… just himself and endless water. Spock knew it would be pointless to call out for the teenager, but he couldn't help look around. His skin burned with each drop of water that touched him as though it was real and not a product of Jim's mind. He focused and tried to tell himself that the burning water was an illusion. It was worrisome with regard to everything else that happened in Jim's mind.
"Stop!" A voice rang through.
Spock turned but was unable to locate the source and direction of the voice. The water started to become violent, and whipped him back and forth, almost knocking him down.
"Stop. Please, stop." The voice screamed again. The sound became blood curling.
The Vulcan knew who the voice belonged to; it was Jim's. Hearing his fear angered Spock, and it brought up his own panic. He couldn't leave Jim alone when he was in danger and feeling this way. He focused and tried to remind himself that none of this was real; he didn't need to find Jim as he was already in Jim's mind. He knew what this illusion was attempting to do. The teenager was trying to lose him and force him out. "It will not work."
"Please don't do this," Jim's voice cried out. There was pause and then another blood curling scream.
Spock's fist balled, knowing what he must be listening to, and it drained him "Stop this. I cannot listen to this."
Another scream echoed across the water. "You don't have to do this." There was a pause. "Please, please. Don't do this." His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, along with a painful moaning. "Just let me die, please."
"What do you accomplish by watching me?" he asked as he glanced around. It was just endless water.
The battered teenager suddenly appeared in front of him. "I want to see how you would react."
"Does it please you?" Spock asked, trying to reclaim his composure. Another tremor ran through the water. "Jim will not last much longer. He needs to wake."
"What does he have to live for?" The teenager asked. The water turned ice cold, taking Spock by surprise.
Spock thought about an answer, but he wasn't sure what the boy was looking for. Life was defined as much then what a person could live for. "Jim is too innocent to die."
The boy tilted his head again. "You believe that even now?"
He surprised the child with his answer, "I do."
The water started to slowly disappear, but everything around them started to quiver more. "Why?"
The sky started to darken, a sign that they did not have much time left. "The reasons why I love Jim are more than I can possibly describe." It was hard to describe why he loved Jim, because there were things about him that Spock disliked. However, those little annoyances could not compare to Jim's kind heart, his spirit, his loyalty…
The boy stared at him wide eyes, but he shook it off. "You're running out of time."
"I understand." He watched the teen's eyes, knowing he was getting to the boy. "Why will you not let me speak with Jim? If he tells me to leave, I shall."
"I speak for him. He wants to go and he wants to let you go."
"Why does it frighten you to let me speak with him?" Spock asked as the lightning struck.
The boy turned. "He is too weak to talk." Everything started to darken.
The change worried him. "You are afraid." He needed to convince the teen to let him through. Time was disappearing.
"I feel what Jim feels." The ground shook violently, creating a rift between them. The ground continued to shaking.
Spock knew what this meant and his fear grew. He had to convince the teen right now. "Let me speak to Jim before it becomes too late."
The ground started to crumble below them and disappear. "It's already too late, but I would've let you see him," he stated as he started to disappear into the darkness. "I can see you care."
"Wait," Spock yelled as the teen disappeared completely and Spock was forcefully pulled out of Jim's mind. He didn't have the power to stop the strong force from pulling him out.
*O*O*
*O*O*
When Spock came to, he and his chair had been forced away from Jim's bedside and Selek was kneeling in front him, staring directly at him. However, Selek could not keep his attention as Jim was going into a cardiac arrest. Dr. M'Benga, with the help of Nurse Chapel, was trying to get Jim's heart rate under control, while another nurse tried to keep an eye on his other stats, her main focus were Jim's barely readable brain functions.
"Where is Dr. McCoy?" Spock asked after he was able to make sense what was going on.
Selek glanced up at M'Benga just as he hypoed Jim. "Admiral Pike called him away."
"Then someone should call him back," Spock stated firmly as he tried to catch his breath. His own mind was fuzzy, but he was almost through Jim's mental defenses. He was so close. He almost had Jim back. "Someone should alert Dr. McCoy."
"Dr. M'Benga is well versed and fully capable of saving Jim. Yet, we have sent someone to acquire Dr. McCoy." Selek didn't move away from in front of Spock as he did not want to allow him the chance to get up.
"What has happened?" Spock asked, as he kept an eye on Jim. It wasn't that he doubted M'Benga's skills. It's just he did not trust any doctor with Jim as much as he did McCoy. It was McCoy had brought Jim back from the edge many times, and Spock had learned never to doubt the doctor, who seemed to make the impossible possible.
"I do not know if it was your mind meld that sent Jim into this cardiac arrest, but I do not think it will be wise to allow you to enter Jim's mind again."
Spock quickly glanced at him in shock. His mind had yet to return to its normal controlled state, and his emotions were still affected by Jim's very overwhelming state. "I must go back," he stated, standing up and forcing Selek back. "He was allowing me in."
"He is not stable enough for another meld, Spock," Selek stated.
"I can-" Spock started, but Jim's heart began to slow to an unlivable state. Spock could only watch in horror as the machine sounded. His mind went into panic mode as he couldn't go on without Jim living. This couldn't be happening; he couldn't let this happen. He had to do something. "Where is Dr. McCoy?!" He couldn't lose someone else.
Selek stood between his younger self and the medical staff. "He-" He began to say but the sight of Jim arching up in pain stopped him. No, this couldn't be happening. He couldn't be losing him again. Even if he never saw Jim again, at least he would be alive. He could live with that; he couldn't live with Jim dying.
"Chapel, get me the hypo," M'Benga yelled as he tried to hold Jim down. "Damn it." He cursed, which was shocking as this man did not curse. "That Salean drugged him with so many drugs that I don't know how to counteract."
Spock felt anger. Where was Dr. McCoy? McCoy could have known what to do. Why in the hell did Pike take him away?
"Here, Doctor," Chapel stated as she handed M'Benga a hypo, but he didn't get the chance to use it as Jim flat-lined.
Selek and Spock's hearts fell and they lost the breath they were both holding. Selek dropped his guard.
"I need the defibrillators," M'Benga yelled at Chapel. "We're losing him!"
Spock's anger kept growing. Where the hell was Dr. McCoy? Why wasn't he here? Jim was going to die and he wasn't here to stop it. Spock couldn't allow that. He refused to allow that. He was torn between the needed to find McCoy and not leaving Jim.
"Clear!" M'Benga yelled as she handed the defibrillators to him. The sound echoed through the room. Jim's heart beat for a second before fading again. "Clear," he yelled again. He shocked Jim again, and his heart beat for another second before it faded. He tried again, and it failed.
"Jim," Spock called out. "Jim." His cries silenced the bay.
M'Benga looked up at Spock as the Vulcan broke. "Commander," he called out. There was a long pause. "There is nothing we can do. He's gone."
Spock wasn't listening as he stepped toward the bed and knelt down next to it. "T'hy'la, ni'droi'ik nar-tor," He begged as he laid his head down on the bed. He rested his hand on Jim's hand, while everyone stepped away from the bed, which Spock was grateful for. He wanted to be left alone with Jim or he would strike out at them, though in his mind they all deserved it. They let Jim die. They failed Jim. Where the hell was Dr. McCoy? Why did he let his best friend die? How could he allow himself to be drawn away from Jim?
You were also drawn away. Spock said to himself. For that, he would never forgive himself. For that, he would punish himself and live with his pain. He deserved nothing more, though he did not know how long he could last through this unbearable pain. He felt like someone had stabbed him repeatedly in his heart; like someone had tortured him for days. This was the worst pain that he ever felt, and Spock didn't know how to deal with it. "Taluhk nash-veh k'dular."
He paused. He did not deserve to say that. He didn't deserve to say anything. The only thing he deserved was death; he should have died in Jim's place. "Ni'droi'ik nar-tor," he repeated. He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Leave me be."
"Spock," Selek called out.
"I shall not leave," he replied, not taking his eyes off Jim. He wouldn't be able to look at him for much longer, and he was going to remain as long as he could.
Selek stared down at the Spock. "He is gone."
"I know. You do not need to tell me."
"Spock," Selek called again.
"Leave me" Spock said again.
"I cannot leave you in this pain," Selek stated, as he glanced down at Jim's body. He had never thought he would have to deal with the pain of losing Jim again.
"How did you deal with his death?" Spock asked, knowing this is the second time for Selek. How could he live through it again? His own pain was just too great.
"It is still there. I can never rid myself of it," Selek answered.
"I do not think I can live with this." He couldn't even think correctly at the moment; he didn't know how he could live with this pain. He didn't want to live with this pain, but he had no choice. This was his punishment for betraying Jim. This was his punishment for allowing Jim to suffer. He deserved it all.
"You must not think like that," Selek stated. "I can help you deal with the pain."
"I do not need your assistance. You are-" There was slight movement in Jim's hand causing him to jump. "Doctor M'Benga!" Spock called.
M'Benga jumped into action and ran back to the bed. He gave a Spock a look as he felt for a pulse. "He's alive," he said shocked. There was no way he was alive; his heart had stopped. He looked at the readings. "Nurse Chapel," he yelled. He needed to get Jim stabilized before he flat-lined again.
Spock felt his heartbeat speed up, and he finally understood how a heart could jump. It didn't stop there as he watched as M'Benga was struggled to keep the weak pulse up. "Save him," he begged.
M'Benga looked up. "I will."
The young Vulcan didn't move from Jim's side, because he couldn't leave him. It was impossible. He refused to leave him again.
The end for now.
haha. You know I was so was going to end this right after M'Benga told Spock that Jim was gone, but I couldn't end it there! I think you all would have revolted and cropped off my head.
I promise it won't be as dark! We are coming toward the end.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter!