I'm so sorry this took so long. Usually it's because my cosplays get in the way (which did happen in Oct for a London con - I made Uryu's vandenreich outfit : ) but unfortunately I've also been very ill and I also lost my job unexpectedly so I've been dealing with a lot of crap! I also wanted the ending of this story to be perfect so I wanted the time (and the right frame of mind) to write it.
Penultimate chapter. One more to go which you will get in a few days I hope. Possibly even tomorrow...
I don't often ask for reviews but at this point when I've spent so much time on this story as a whole I'd really appreciate if you took the time to say what you think. Especially as we're near the finish line : )
Autumn leaves breezed across the pavement as Uryu walked towards the cemetery. It was another cold day, with the air so chilled that Uryu's breath left its mark, but at least it wasn't raining. Actually, there was a dry, crisp taste to the morning. It felt as if the weather was changing as the sunlight flittered over the pavement. And somehow that made it easier to breathe and forget. Even though Uryu had always hated days like this because of the memories, it felt better than walking in the rain. On bright, dry days like this he'd gone for walks with Sensei or played with his mother in the park or garden.
He should have gone to the cemetery yesterday. Yesterday was nine years to the day that Sensei had died, but after Uryu had got out of Ryuken's car yesterday afternoon, Ryuken had wound the window down and leaned out into the rain.
"Go tomorrow, Uryu. The dead don't care what day we visit them. If your grandfather were alive right now he would weep at the sight of you."
Uryu made a point of never listening to Ryuken, but he'd made an exception this time. After getting inside his apartment, he'd just collapsed into bed anyway and he'd known he'd never make it to the cemetery. But Sensei had always been understanding so Uryu knew he'd be forgiven as he'd buried his head into a pillow.
Though as payment, the morning had opened with one that was eerily similar to the day that Sensei had died. There was no scent of Hollows anywhere but Uryu could remember their roars and the blood dripping from their claws. And once again he was hating himself for being unable to do anything. The vampire had thought it over and realised there was nothing he could have done. Uryu also knew there was nothing he could have done.
But it doesn't change the fact that I wish I could have.
Nothing right ever seemed to happen to him. At least with Sensei he could see what he could have done differently if he'd had the strength.
With everything that was happening at the moment... it was completely different.
Uryu froze as he suddenly came within sight of the cemetery gates. For a moment he wondered if he should run as he saw the one leaning by the entrance, but such a childish and impulsive action was very un-Uryu like and now that he wasn't a vampire he was supposed to be more like his usual self. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to walk forward calmly.
"Kurosaki, what are you doing here?"
Ichigo was dressed in a puffy black jacket and a woolly hat to protect against the cold. His breath misted the air and he rolled his eyes. "You asked me, idiot. I thought we were supposed to come yesterday, but you ignored my messages. I waited here and you never showed. I got soaked. When you weren't in school today, I figured I'd just got the days mixed up so I came back. And here you are."
"When did I ask?" said Uryu warily.
"Hmmm..." Ichigo stared at the ground, his brow furrowing in that way it always did when he tried to think hard. "I don't remember when to be honest, but I know you asked. I'd be a total dick if I forgot about something like this. I felt like a dick yesterday."
Uryu had asked as they'd cuddled together the other day in the autumn leaves. It wasn't necessarily a problem that Ichigo remembered; Uryu knew that the kikan shiki didn't wipe out everything.
And I know you don't remember anything that I don't want you to remember...
Still, Uryu thought about telling him to go away. Even though he didn't want him to go away because as a vampire he'd looked forward to not being alone here.
But I'm always alone and I have to get used to it again.
He opened his mouth but nothing came out. Ichigo looked miserable as he stared at the ground. Uryu wondered if it was because Ichigo didn't want to come (because it wasn't exactly fun to come here), but he knew that was spiteful because Ichigo was more thoughtful than that. Ichigo was worrying because he'd almost forgotten about it.
Uryu still thought he should probably tell him to leave because that was the sort of thing Uryu did, but instead he pushed open the gate and didn't say a word as Ichigo fell into step beside him.
The Ishida family tomb was at the end of the cemetery in its own private corner that measured several metres. The family had always been wealthy, although Ryuken had used the majority of the fortune to have the hospital built since he'd said there was no place for Quincies in the world anymore.
Ichigo paused. He was definitely surprised and as his eyes darted around the plot and the size of the stones, Uryu knew he wanted to ask questions. Uryu had never told him about his family. They were all dead, except for Ryuken (who might as well have been dead), so it hadn't really mattered. And telling people about your dead family was awkward and tended to invite the kind of sympathetic eyes that Uryu despised.
And Ichigo seemed to know all of that because he didn't say a word as Uryu stood in front of the tomb with his eyes closed to say a silent prayer. He knelt beside Sensei's gravestone. "I'm sorry I'm a day late, Sensei."
He'd intended to tell Sensei all about this week. He remembered planning it all out as a vampire. Obviously things had changed since then. Sitting quietly in front of the stone, he said it all in his head and asked Sensei silently what he thought of it. He wasn't sure what Sensei would have thought of boys together. Sensei was old fashioned and had often told Uryu that he'd get married and have a family one day. But for some reason Uryu thought that Sensei would just stare at him in surprise and then pat him on the head and smile as he told him to be happy.
Ichigo sat with him and then together they cleaned the tomb. Uryu let his hand linger on his mother's name. She wouldn't mind what he did. He'd never been able to do any wrong in her eyes. It had caused arguments between her and Ryuken because she'd been too soft on him.
He's a boy, Katagiri. Please at least change the pink apron for a blue one and get him to make shirts rather than dresses.
Uryu wiped his eyes. Those words had led to an enormous argument that day. And yet for some reason he felt like smiling right now as he remembered chasing after her in a pink apron wearing big yellow rubber gloves and holding a feather duster.
Ichigo handed him a tissue. He didn't say anything. It was frustrating really that this orange idiot who'd bowled ungracefully into Uryu's life somehow knew exactly how to act around Uryu. Uryu thought about talking with him about Sensei and his mother, but it almost felt as if they'd be a distraction from other things that he wanted to say. That wasn't the way it should be. Also, although he might have spent a lot of time with Ichigo this week, Ichigo wouldn't remember any of it so it would be weird to suddenly act like they were closer than usual.
After a while, Uryu stood and they started back side-by-side along the moss-lined path back towards the gates. Ichigo remained silent and Uryu kept his eyes on the ground.
Thank you for coming. Uryu didn't know why those word were so hard to say or why he'd always had trouble saying things like that. Thanking people was hard because it suggested you needed them, which suggested weakness. Revealing a weakness showed you were vulnerable. Or allowed someone to see that you really cared about something when you'd rather give the image that you cared about nothing.
Say thank you, Uryu. He swore he could hear Sensei's voice somewhere amidst the leaves. He remembered being lost once as a child. A man had found him crying and then had helped him to find Sensei. Say thank you to this man for looking after you, Uryu.
"Ichigo... thank you," Uryu murmured, though his voice was so quiet that he wasn't sure whether he'd spoken aloud or not.
He paused, suddenly realising that Ichigo was no longer beside him. He turned. Ichigo stood motionless in the middle of the path, staring with an intent expression that Uryu couldn't read.
"Ishida, what do you want?" said Ichigo.
No trace of his usual smile. Instead, stern eyes and a serious expression that wasn't like him. And for some reason only one little word would come out of Uryu's lips as he stared at the way the autumn breeze ruffled Ichigo's hair sticking out from the edges of the hat. "Eh?"
"What do you want?" Ichigo repeated.
"I don't understand the question, Kurosaki."
"What do you want from life? A good education? A high-flying job? Someone to love?"
Everything else in the world seemed to slowly fade. The cemetery was empty and there wasn't even a sound from the road. Just two boys and the sound of the leaves rustling overhead in the silence.
"You. I want you, Ishida."
Still the serious expression. And Uryu could still only stare. "E-eh?"
"Well?"
"E-e-eh...?"
"You used Rukia's kikan shiki on me."
Uryu stepped into hirenkyakyu but Ichigo suddenly lurched forward and grabbed his arm so hard that Uryu almost fell backwards into him.
"No. Not this time, Uryu. I knew you'd try and run but there comes a time when everyone needs to stop running. I know you've done something to me because my head is totally screwed!"
"E-eh?!"
"What's with this 'eh' business, eh? Rukia told me how that thing worked a long time ago. She used it on Inoue once, but Inoue got her memory back. It's not so hot on those with reiatsu and it will only work if someone really, really wants to forget. And if everybody else plays along. You forgot about everyone else, didn't you, Ishida? How can someone who plans everything so perfectly all of the time be such a total idiot! I've had my sisters asking about you. Texts from Chad asking about you and a text from Keigo demanding to know if I'm over my 'nerd fetish'. And my head is totally screwed up! I've got bits and pieces of different memories everywhere and I don't know how to order them. And you've given yourself away right now by staring at me with that face!"
Oh god...
But it had worked! Uryu knew it had worked because of the way Ichigo had acted yesterday morning. So even though his deepening breaths were betraying him by misting the air ever more thickly, he quickly pushed away 'that face' or whatever Ichigo was talking about and retreated into his usual calmness. As was typical of Ishida Uryu. Calm. Quiet breaths. Glazed eyes. "You're talking rubbish again, Kurosaki."
"No, you're rubbish."
"Kurosaki-"
"You have messed up, Ishida! I know something happened between us. I have three versions of last week battling it out in my head. Version one! We had an argument because you were being stupid about something and you just wouldn't let up. And then somehow I got you pinned up against the corridor wall. Everybody was watching us and you told me to kiss you. And then you told me to go back to yours that evening and you'd wear one of your dresses for me."
Mist billowed as Uryu's breath froze in the air. "WHAT THE HELL?"
"And then I thought there's no way that would happen and then another set of memories began to unfold where you came to school looking really tired. So I said I'd take you home. Only you were being really annoying and taking your time. We took a short cut through an alleyway and then the same thing happened with me pinning you against a wall and you were absolutely begging me to do all kinds of things to you. And then somehow you got kidnapped so I went to find you and then-"
"WHAT?! That never happened! It would never happen!"
"You begged me to be your doctor and said you'd be the nurse. You even had this little outfit-"
"Why the hell did that thing cast me as a transvestite?"
Pink aprons were fine... but wearing dresses? And a nurse's outfit?
Kuchiki-san. She was dead. Beyond dead when Uryu got hold of her! He should have known better than to trust a a Shinigami...!
"Oooooooh?" said Ichigo slyly. "So you admit you used it on me then?"
Such a stupid trap and Uryu had walked right into it. He stared at the path as he readjusted his glasses. "Oh. Very funny, Kurosaki."
"I'm not joking, Ishida. That's what you did to my head. You only have yourself to blame for the fact that I now remember you in a dress and nurse's outfit with straps and-"
"Get those images out of your head right now!"
His voice sounded nothing like him. Nothing like Ishida Uryu and more like the vampire. Emotional. Desperate. Furious. And something else too that Uryu couldn't identify because it felt too strange. He turned his back on Ichigo as he wiped his face. He was sweating, even though it was far too cold to sweat. He wanted to laugh in an effort to make out to Ichigo that this was all nonsense but he couldn't manage that either. Why memories like that? Why couldn't things just be normal for once?
There's no such thing as 'normal' around Kurosaki...
"But if those memories are false, which they obviously were, then the real ones must be the vampires?" said Ichigo quietly. "Tch. Let down."
?!
"A-and what the hell do you mean by that, Kurosaki?"
He was trembling. Uryu wasn't supposed to tremble and now it was happening he had no idea how to stop it. He knew what Ichigo meant...
Because in the other memories I was the one who came onto you?
"What do you think I mean, Ishida? Not that I want you in a dress or a nurse's outfit, but actually-"
"No. No!" This couldn't happen. Uryu didn't want it to happen. And yet... maybe... he was relieved as Ichigo stared at him. But he didn't want to be relieved. Didn't want any of this because Uryu's life was complicated enough. "Don't you dare look at me like that! Or think of anything like that. Don't you dare!" Uryu shook his head. Ichigo was staring at him. Blatantly staring, as if he was enjoying what he was seeing. "Why the hell was everything it put in your head about me?!"
"I guess it wiped out the vampires but somehow kept the rest. And Ishida, you're a jerk! Do you have any idea how big it is for a person to realise they're gay? And you were going to make me go through it a second time at some point? Do you know how weird it was to realise that I like you? Ishida Uryu who annoys the hell out of me? Are you that desperate for attention that you need to repeatedly make me fall in lo-"
"There! Stop right there! Kurosaki! You're confused and that's normal since everything that happened was weird, but it's only confusion! You don't like me!"
"Ishida, I'm gay."
"No you're not! And even if you are I'm not!"
I'm not...
Because Ichigo was the last person on Earth he'd ever want to be...
Even though you're looking at me like that.
And even though he was one of the only people that Uryu did like being around...
I'm not gay...
Ryuken would kill him...
"Ishida, it's funny. You're shouting but you're not angry because I know when you are really angry. Actually... you look alive."
Uryu tried to run with hirenkyaku but Ichigo had hold of his arm again and it seemed no effort at all for him to hold Uryu back. Why was he so ridiculously strong?
"But if the vampires were real then it means I bit you... didn't I?" said Ichigo. His grip didn't falter but his eyes lowered to the ground.
Ah, this was the look that Uryu despised.
"I hate it when you look sad like that. I don't think you have any idea how it makes me feel," Uryu muttered. "You weren't supposed to remember. What's the point of the kikan shinki if it doesn't work? I wanted you to forget! I didn't want you to hurt because of me!"
"If I'd wanted to forget then it would have worked."
"Why don't you want to forget? You're not supposed to remember!"
"You had no right to choose what I remember. Discounted."
"No. I am not being-"
"Discounted!"
Uryu shoved his hand into his pocket. "I've still got it here with me! I'll wipe them again and this time I'll reinforce it with a Quincy technique so there will be no going back!"
"No! You can't just erase someone's memories because you feel like it!"
"Shinigami do it all the time!"
"Stop changing the subject! From here on, all your opinions are discounted! Discounted, discounted, discounted! Tuesdays! From now on, every Tuesday, we're hanging out!"
"What do you mean 'hanging out'? I don't 'hang out'."
"Want me to use the 'd' word?"
"No! Absolutely not. I'm not gay! And I'm not hanging out with you!"
"We can just do homework if you want, or kill Hollows, or go to one of your little sewing shops. I don't care! And maybe something will happen or maybe it won't. It's fine. But we should hang out more because we're friends. And maybe this isn't completely insane. I didn't think I was gay and maybe I'm not because the only guy I like is you."
"I don't like you!"
I don't...
"So was the last week disgusting and gross?"
"Of course it was!"
"So why did you wipe my memory and not yours?"
I can't tell you.
Because it was far too complicated and not the type of thing Uryu talked about. He stared at the ground. He'd always found it difficult to look people in the eye anyway and it was completely impossible with Ichigo staring at him like this.
"I didn't know how to use it on myself," Uryu managed. Another deep breath; seeking his usual calm nature that seemed to have shrivelled somewhere in the conversation.
Ichigo pushed his face close to Uryu's. Uryu flinched as he turned his head away. He couldn't retreat because Ichigo still had hold of his arm.
"Your dad ratted you out, Ishida," said Ichigo. "He offered to wipe your memory and you refused. He called me. He didn't tell me what had happened but he said I needed to speak to you and that you were missing me."
Oh. Ryuken. Uryu could feel his hands clenching so tightly it hurt. "You spoke with him behind my back? How typical. That does it. I've told you before and I'll tell you again! I hate you, Kurosaki Ichigo! And keeping me here like this and trying to force all of this on me is so typical of you! Just like what you did when you bit me."
Ichigo should have let him go because Uryu knew those words would hurt. But of course, Ichigo was not dumb. As often as Uryu said that, he knew it wasn't true.
Ichigo squeezed Uryu's arm harder. "I am not letting you go. I knew you'd say that. You try to push people away and you know how to hurt, but secretly you don't want to be alone. I don't know why you push people away. I don't think even you know why, but the why doesn't matter. I know what I did to you, Uryu. I don't remember everything very clearly, but I know you were terrified and that I made you cry. It's the worst thing I could ever do to you. I'm sorry. I have to live with it, but you had no right to take it away. You brushed over the fact that I hurt you in Hueco Mundo. The fact that you cast it aside so easily hurt more than anything because I wanted to make it up to you by protecting you next time. I have to learn from my actions and it makes me realise how important it is to keep control over my powers. I don't want to forget. Forgetting would be an insult to you. I want to say that I'll never hurt you again but I can't promise that. I will try to control myself and I guess I need to work even harder. But I can't forget. Just because something hurts doesn't mean you should erase it from existence."
It wasn't fair. Against all odds, this oranged-haired moron that Uryu had been determined to hate could see right through him. Uryu knew he didn't make sense. Even he never quite knew what he wanted or why he said some of the things he did. Ichigo didn't know either and he didn't care because it seemed as if he'd just drag Uryu down whatever path he thought was best for him anyway.
And I…
Uryu liked that about him.
"I didn't want you to live with that memory," said Uryu quietly. "I just didn't want you to hurt anymore."
"It's my pain to bear more than yours. Why do you always think of me above yourself?"
"I…"
Because you charge in no matter what. You've almost been killed on so many occasions. And one day maybe you won't get back up. I can't bear to think of that.
"Ishida, I don't know what you think. Maybe I can't have you, but I'd like to know what you think now. And what you think of everything that happened this past week. I've seen a different side to you. You were fun."
"I'm not a vampire anymore. It was different."
"No. You were emotional and it was extreme, which is no good for anyone. But at the same time you were happy. So maybe you should be somewhere in the middle."
Uryu tilted his head back to stare at the sky where the occasional leaf swept by in a breezy spiral. True, it had been fun to smile like that so easily and he had a feeling he'd miss that for the rest of his life. But that kind of existence wasn't for him anyway. The cold life before suited him, even though it was vastly unfair.
"Kurosaki, you can never understand me. I make no sense so don't think you can work me out. This is who I am. And I don't change my mind. Whether it's what I want or not."
Ichigo pressed his hands against Uryu's shoulders. Warm hands. "Uryu, you're always telling me to think and to analyse more. I know how you feel because you didn't wipe your memory. Why do you want to remember? Why are you not trying to kill me right now for saying all of this? I've always left you alone when you've pushed me away but that's not good. I'm not letting you sulk and hide. I've seen another side to you and I'm dragging it out. Don't go back to how everything was before."
Uryu moved his eyes from the sky to the ground, avoiding Ichigo en route. "Your analysis is wrong. I don't like you."
"But I get the feeling that if I tell you look all nervous and a little cute... you'll go red... Oh look... I'm right!"
And Uryu could feel it. The un-Uryu like flush dominating his face to elicit a triumphant grin from Ichigo. Uryu grabbed Ichigo's arms but he couldn't move them. Damn it! He was going to have to take lessons from Chad because he couldn't live with himself for being this weak.
"Discounted!" he snapped. "I'm red because my friend is embarrassing himself by declaring some insane feelings that I do no reciprocate!"
"Eh? Friend? You've never called me a friend before. It's a start and I'll take it." Ichigo looked smug.
And the really, truly most annoying part of it was that for some reason Uryu liked that expression. And the fact that he did was utterly, utterly ridiculous because he hated attitudes like this.
"I hate you," he muttered. "I hate you!"
Uryu tried to shove Ichigo away, grasping at the air for reishi so that he could use hirenkyaku as he did.
"NO! No running!" snapped Ichigo as he kept hold of him. "Honest to god, I will buy handcuffs if you don't quit it! I know it's weird but we are hanging out on Tuesdays! If nothing happens and you realise you don't like me then fine but we are hanging out either way!"
Uryu stared him straight in the eye. "Kurosaki Ichigo, I hate you. You are an idiot and I despise your stupidity and the fact that you always put all of us in danger, including Inoue-san! Everything that happened this week disgusts me. Once again you flaunted your lack of control over your abilities and it resulted in me getting violated in every way possible. I hate you!"
Why? Why do I say such things?
Because people who tried to get close needed to be pushed away before they could hurt. Don't say what you really want to because you may leave yourself vulnerable or reveal a weakness that could be exploited.
Ishida, why don't you ever do what you want?
Why did he get asked that question a lot? And why didn't he ever do what he wanted?
Life had been so easy as a vampire with Uryu following whatever whim entered his mind: no guilt or regret. No concern for consequences. A frivolous life that no good would ever come of. It wasn't a life for Ishida Uryu who was supposed to be alone.
Ichigo threw his arms up in the air. "Fine. Fine! If you want to be impossible then be impossible. But in that case, give me that stupid kikan shinki and I'll erase your memories. Unlike you, I'll make sure everyone around us never tells you the truth. If you don't want any of this then prove it, Uryu!"
It would be easier, wouldn't it? To truly go back to who he was before all of this vampire and emotional nonsense? What Ichigo said about keeping memories and learning from them was useless because what was Uryu supposed to learn from all of this? That he was gay? Or confused?
He pushed his hand into his pocket and clasped the kikan shinki. They were idiotic memories to cling to anyway.
Kurosaki and I... Ichigo and I. How ridiculous.
He glanced back at Ichigo and then held out the kikan shinki.
Ichigo froze and Uryu saw him swallow. "What's with that face, Kurosaki? Did you think I wouldn't do it? You dared me so here. Take it. And let me go back to who I was."
Ichigo swallowed again. "Fine. Fine. I get it. Give it here."
They stared at one another. Ichigo reached to take the kikan shinki.
Uryu yanked his arm back and then hurled the device across the cemetery. The two of them stared, watching as it disappeared behind a tombstone with a loud crack. Uryu's breath misted the air thickly. He stared at the ground as Ichigo stared at him with his mouth gaping.
"Ishida, you just..."
It was just like the phone all over again. Uryu wasn't sure why he'd thrown it away because it was definitely for the best if he forgot. Emotions were a burden. And he wasn't sure what throwing it away meant. But he didn't regret it and that felt weird. He felt even weirder as Ichigo's brown eyes stared at him, teetering between shock and joy.
Oh god... I might be...
Because that expression made him feel really, really odd.
Uryu pushed his glasses up his nose, turning his back on Ichigo quickly as he felt the flush soaking into his cheeks. Fumbling to loosen his scarf, he started walking quickly to the cemetery gates. Weird. Far too weird. Better not to think and analyse too much.
"Ishida!" Ichigo called. "What-"
"I'm not doing Tuesdays. I have handicrafts and that's way more important than you, Kurosaki, so stop babbling about Tuesdays. Idiot."
"Eh? Wha? You just... I don't get it..."
Why do you have such a dumb voice? And why have I always tolerated it?
Even looked forward to it at times...
"Fine then!" Ichigo snapped. "Wednesdays! We'll meet on Wednesdays!"
And why do you always know what to say to me?
"Student council," said Uryu.
Impulsive nature. Energy Uryu couldn't match. And yet when he calmed down, a genuine thoughtfulness.
"Fine!" Ichigo roared. "I'll drag you out of that stupid council meeting by that pretty hair of yours-"
And why am I who found it impossible to smile suddenly thinking that it might be possible?
"Thursdays. I can do Thursdays," said Uryu.
Even without looking around, Uryu could tell Ichigo was standing there dumbly; eyes wide with shock and his mouth gaping.
"You look so dense with that expression it's embarrassing, Kurosaki. Close your mouth. I won't be seen dead with a dense person, understand? So no more looking dumb. And don't you ever, ever call me 'pretty' again!"