21. Better off

Elliot and Olivia had only taken a few bites when he spoke again. He just couldn't keep quiet any longer, now that he'd started to talk to her at last.

"I always meant to come back."

Her eyes were on him in an instant again and he forged ahead, ignoring the trembling of his stomach.

"I never meant to stay out of touch for so long."

"Then why did you?" she asked flatly. "It's been twenty-four years, Elliot."

"I'm sorry," he choked out again, knowing it wouldn't be the last time he'd say those words. "I thought I'd eventually pick myself up and call you, but once I was back in training, I have to admit time got away from me and before I knew it, I was on a plane to the Middle East."

Olivia just nodded and continued eating her soup. If he didn't know any better, he'd think she was unaffected by his words. But he did know better. And she deserved to hear this from him. Even the part that he was going to address next.

"I didn't hear about what had happened to you until after he was dead."

Olivia stopped eating then, freezing just when she'd been scooping up the last of her soup. Her eyes remained fixed on her bowl and he wanted to reach out to her and touch her. Comfort her. But he didn't. When Olivia slowly put her spoon down, he swallowed hard, waiting for her eyes to meet his once more. She lifted them a little, but she didn't look into his eyes. She seemed to be staring at his chest in stead.

"I was sick for a week when I heard," he continued. "I would have killed the bastard if he hadn't been dead already."

She was still frozen in place. The only movement was the heaving of her chest and he knew she was trying to contain her real reaction to his words. He decided to keep on talking to help her through it.

"Kathleen sent me newspaper clippings after he shot himself and she also told me that you had someone taking care of you."

Olivia remained silent and he didn't know what else to say about her ordeal and what he'd heard about it. Noah put his arm loosely around his mother and she moved then, looking at her son and giving him a small smile.

"She didn't," Noah said, looking at the older man sitting across from his mother. "But mom's a fighter. She's a survivor with a capital S."

Olivia's smile widened slightly.

"Thank you Noah," she said softly and Elliot felt a lump forming in his throat seeing the mother-son moment unfold before him.

He could see the love and it was all he'd ever wanted for her. She was a wonderful mother and her son's love for her was proof of that.

"I was so happy to find out that you'd become a mother after all," he told her honestly.

"Tell her how you found that out, grandpa," Catherine nudged him gently.

Both kids were aware of the tension between their older companions but they were dealing with it very well, he thought. They kept the conversation moving at the exact moments it was needed.

"I came back after my first five-year tour was over," Elliot continued, and Olivia finally looked at him again.

…

"You should have just walked up to me."

It was the one thing she just couldn't get out of her mind. Why hadn't he just walked up to her when he saw her with the boys? That he'd been out of the country during her run-ins with Lewis was one thing, but he'd been back. He'd seen her. And then he'd left without even letting her know he was there. Had they really become such strangers to each other that he couldn't even talk to her?

2016. She hadn't expected him to show up anymore at that time, but part of her had still been hoping. Her brief relationship with Ed Tucker hadn't been so brief without a reason, just like the relationships before and after him. She simply didn't trust anyone anymore. She'd had trust issues before but once her best friend had walked out of her life without so much as a goodbye, her heart had simply slammed shut completely. The only reason that she was still a functioning human being was because she had the children. Noah and Sarah had been her salvation. They loved her unconditionally, like she loved them. They had breathed life back into her in a way no man could have. Not even Brian, although he'd given it his all.

"You were happy."

His tense words pulled her back to the present. To Elliot, her long lost partner, who was sitting across from her at a restaurant with her son and his granddaughter. The whole situation still felt a little unreal to her, although all the emotions she was experiencing were very real.

"Since when is that a reason not to talk to someone?" she asked.

Hadn't he known how much she'd missed him? How badly she had wanted to see him after, and even during her abduction by Lewis? How she had hated herself for still thinking of him when she adopted Noah, wishing he'd be there to share in her joy? How she'd cried after the adoption party, remembering what she'd said to Nick about him? Her relationship with Elliot truly hadn't left room for anything else where her heart was concerned. But he would have supported her when Noah came into her life and she had missed him more that night than she had in a long time.

"I don't know," Elliot said sadly. "I just didn't want to intrude. You had the life I always wanted for you. A family."

"I had Noah. I would have loved for you to meet him as a baby."

She wanted to bite her tongue the moment the words had left her mouth. She hadn't planned on telling him anything, let alone how she had wanted him to be a part of the happiness she'd found.

Elliot put down his fork, that he'd been using to eat his shrimp salad. His eyes were sad again, a little glazed over even.

"I honestly thought you were better off without me Liv. You … you never had anything serious going on while we were partners, and as soon as I leave you find yourself a family."

"God, Elliot," Olivia sighed, slightly frustrated.

Did he really think it had taken him leaving for her to be happy? She didn't know whether to laugh at how important he clearly thought he'd been to her or to yell at him for screwing up her love life in the first place while they were partners. But both reactions would be a lie, because he had been that important to her and he hadn't screwed up her love life. She'd managed that on her own just fine. She couldn't really blame him for the fact that she'd fallen in love with him.

"The kids told me that it wasn't like I thought at the time, and I will blame myself for the rest of my life for not bothering to check."

Elliot was on a roll and she was mildly surprised at how well he was able to talk about himself these days.

"Check what?" she asked, knowing what he meant but needing to hear it from him.

She wasn't going to volunteer any information at this point.

"Noah tells me that he and his sister were adopted."

Olivia nodded and smiled at her son again.

"Yeah. They came without a daddy attached. Saved myself a lot of trouble that way."

When Elliot chuckled her eyes flicked back to his.

"I can't help but agree with you there," he said by way of explanation. "So I guess you were better off without me after all."

Olivia wasn't going to throw him a bone, not even as a joke. Because she hadn't been better off without him for several years. She'd needed him and had missed him, more than she should have. And now that he was back, frankly, she didn't know what to do with him. And so she said nothing.

A helpful young waitress came to clear the table and asked if they'd like another drink while waiting for the main course. Olivia downed the last of her wine quickly and ordered another glass. She hardly drank anything alcoholic anymore these days but she needed it to take the edge off her nerves a bit.

"So," she said after the waitress had dashed off again. "When you decided for both of us that I was happy and better off without you, you took off again?"

Elliot didn't take the bait and just nodded. Humbly. That was new, too. Could he have gotten softer over time? Less combative?

"Yeah. Stayed in the Marines until they practically had to force me to retire. And then I moved back here about six months ago."

Six months. And he still hadn't come to see her.

"You must have been shocked to find yourself in my apartment so suddenly. You clearly had no intention of finding me at all."

She had sounded bitter, and she was. She knew it wouldn't have been easy for him to contact her but he could have made some effort. They were only here because of the kids, after all. If Noah hadn't asked Catherine out, they still wouldn't be talking. She must not have meant much to him after all.

...

"Liv … Olivia. I was going to. I know how lame this sounds. And it is. It's lame. But I moved back to the city to be near you. That's the god's honest truth. I … I know we will never get the time back that I wasted but … I'm hoping we can do something with the time we still have left."

Olivia bit her lip and Elliot couldn't help staring. She was well into her sixties and she was still a vision. He was at her mercy now but looking at her, hearing her voice again after so long and seeing all the emotions in her eyes that she thought she was hiding, he knew that there was no way he was going to stay away now. Not unless she forced him to. And even then, they'd still be connected through the kids. He was rooting for Noah and Catherine for them as well as himself now.

Her next words knocked the wind out of him.

"I'm not sure what we could be to each other at this point in our lives, Elliot."

He was at a loss for words and he welcomed the fresh beer that was placed in front of him just then. He grabbed it and took a long gulp while reminding himself to keep breathing. She didn't know if there was still room in her life for him? Not even as a friend? He wanted to try. He wasn't one to beg but he wasn't going to give up that easily either.

"Can we try, Olivia? After tonight, could we just go out for coffee or something?"

…

What will Olivia say?