Thank you to Transmute Jun who was instrumental in providing me with the romantic interlude at the end of the chapter. For some reason, I was completely stuck with it.
Jason couldn't sleep. In the years he and Princess had been together, they'd only slept apart for a handful of nights. He was so used to her soft presence next to him, curled up against him, the feel of her in his arms as he drifted off, that anything else didn't feel right.
More than anything, he knew, deep inside, he had been wrong in issuing that ultimatum. He didn't regret it, and, if he had a chance to go back in time and re-do that night, he knew he'd do it again.
She trusted him. In spite of the threats he made. She had trusted him enough to let him take the kids with him to Australia when he left tomorrow. More to the point – she trusted that he would keep them safe whilst he investigated the Spectran base there and that he would come back with them.
When she looked at him, there was still love in her eyes. The only downside Jason could see was that love was also there when she looked at Mark.
He knew that with him away, she and Mark would end up in bed together. Even if he didn't go away, it would happen sooner rather than later. He knew it in spite of all her noble declarations to the contrary, and on some level, Jason knew Mark was also aware of it. The only person who didn't was Princess herself. Or if she did, she was denying it to herself, which made it worse in his opinion.
Then there was the situation with the protestors. He could sort of understand why these groups built a soap box out of what they perceived to be pertinent issues. He and Princess weren't married. She had no intention of marrying him. Her husband was now back in the picture, and that husband had made it quite clear that he intended on claiming his wife back.
The same husband who had been a professional whore and kicked off Riga for what Jason considered was a moment of bad judgement. He wouldn't mind betting that the other people involved got off pretty much scot free. Which meant Mark had been used as the scapegoat.
Now THAT bothered him. Jason made a mental note to talk to both Anderson and Cronus about that. Mark may be blaming himself, but Jason the cynic could clearly see that there was something else behind all this. Mark had never ever let himself be caught like that – and Jason knew of a number of occasions when he might have been. No. There was somebody out to get Mark. That lead to another realisation.
That somebody may be out to get all three of them. Mark kicked off Riga. Spectran attack on their house. These protestors. They were being manipulated.
On a lot of levels, Jason deeply sympathised with Mark. He knew of Mark's sexual proclivities prior to his getting together with Princess and still he sympathised. Jason couldn't imagine the horror of being drugged and then forced to perform sexually on whoever desired you, whenever they required and in whatever manner they fancied. That terrified him. What if you found yourself enjoying it?
The drug addiction itself would have been horrific. The Mark he grew up with had rarely even drunk alcohol and hated to take aspirin. He couldn't image Mark craving the bite of a needle or the burning sensation of narcotics flowing in his veins.
In some ways, Jason couldn't help but admire his oldest friend for how far he had pulled himself out of the hole he had been in. For him to be even functioning at the level he was – which was nowhere near the Mark of old, but still enough that he was able to take on the responsibilities of not only Commander of G-Force, but Chief of Galaxy Security – was a little short of a miracle. His recovery was a testament to Mark's own determination.
And he did it with only Cronus as a support. Cronus was hardly the person you wanted to help you when you hit rock bottom.
The thing Jason could never forget was his own addiction. Addiction was addiction: one day equalled one month equalled one year equalled one life time. Thankfully, he didn't have compound addictions from which to recover. He could never forget that without Mark's presence and unquestioning love and support, he wouldn't have been able to find the strength to strive for sobriety. Always, though, behind Mark's support was the unquestioning support of the rest of the team. They hadn't known what was wrong, but they were there providing whatever he needed.
For Jason, sobriety increased his cynicism. Carrying the label of 'addict' made him feel even more like an outsider and somehow tainted. Yet, to Jason's keen eye, Mark seemed to still retain something of the innocence that he had always had. His love for Princess still remained the absolute centre of his being – even overriding that towering sense of duty he had.
He leaned back into to the cushioned backing of the couch and, for the umpteenth time, faced the crux of his problem: insecurity. If he were selected for that fucking mission instead of Mark, subjected to the same terrible sequence of events that culminated in all the horrific acts Mark engaged in, he didn't think that he would have that same kind of strength to save himself. That same strength that Mark clearly exercised. Another facet of that insecurity he projected on Mark? Jason was worried that Mark's apparent strength was only for show, a game face, and that, when Mark could no longer sustain his charade, he would bring Princess down with him.
Jason never forgot the hell she had gone through when Mark had initially disappeared. He knew for a fact that, even with his support, his love and that of their children, if Mark betrayed her again she wouldn't survive.
He HAD to convey that to Mark. He loved his children deeply but Princess' well being overrode even that love.
"Jason."
He looked up to see her in the doorway to the living area.
"What are you doing up, Princess?"
"I can't sleep, Jason. I need to talk to you. Before you leave."
"About?" He made a sound of disgust. "I won't run off with the kids, Princess if that's what you're wondering."
"I know, Jason. It's not about that."
"Then what is it?"
She shifted from foot to foot, clearly searching for the right words to say to him. Suddenly, he knew what she was here for and what she was going to ask.
"I love you, Jason. I have for a long time now, and that's not going to change. I hate it when we argue like this. When we argue about Mark. I can't help loving him – and that's not going to change anytime soon either. It's something that both of you will have to come to terms with until I can make some decisions about my life, what I need, and what I feel is best for my children."
"I can live with your feelings, Princess. What I'm finding it hard to live with is knowing that you're sleeping with Mark."
She came in and sat on the floor at his feet, her arms resting on his knees. Jason inwardly groaned. This was Princess' "listen to me and agree with what I'm saying" pose. She'd been doing it since she was ten when she needed either him or Mark (or frequently both) to really understand what she wanted to tell them. It always worked. Neither he nor Mark had ever been able to come up with a defence against it. Not that they really had tried.
"I'm not sleeping with Mark."
"Yet."
Princess took a deep breath. "Yes. Yet." She twisted her wrists so that her palms rested on his thighs. She squeezed him gently, making her point. "Neither am I sleeping with you. Yet."
"That's a rather big assumption there, Princess. Do I have a say in it?"
She looked hurt at his tone, and yet resigned. He knew why. Whenever they had these arguments about Mark his own attitude sucked big time. He couldn't help it – Mark was his best friend and he loved him deeply. But they had always had this insane competitiveness which, he freely admitted, had caused trouble for all three of them on more than one occasion.
It was doing so again, but this time it was hurting the one person in the world that neither he nor Mark would ever want to hurt.
"Yes, Jason. Both you and Mark have a say in this. But not in the way that you think." She took a deep breath. "I know that I need you both, Jason. It'll be up to the two of you to decide if you both need me."
She stood then and sat in his lap. He allowed her to wrap his arms around her, loving how she felt snuggled there.
"Neither you nor I can sleep, Jason. That is something we can fix tonight." She touched her forehead to his. "We are more than what happens in our bed, Jason."
He snuggled her close, feeling himself relax as he felt her against him. She was right about that. "Sleep is looking fairly attractive about now," he whispered honestly.
"What do you do when I'm not there? When you're racing?" She allowed herself to be sidetracked, genuinely interested in his answer, but she couldn't help softly kissing his jawline, enjoying the roghness of a day's growth of beard against her lips.
"I doze. But usually it's enough because I know I'm coming home to you." Jason laid his hand over hers where it rested on his chest. "That's what's so horrible about now. I don't have you to come home to. I don't have you constantly telling me in lots of little ways that you love me. I don't have you giving yourself so generously whenever I needed you."
She reached up and stroked his face in wonder. This was unusually open for Jason. "Oh, Jason! And you wonder why I love you? Worry that I could stop loving you?" She kissed him. "I'm not generous in bed, Jason. I'm selfish. Which is why I'm nervous about asking you what I'm about to." Her eyes were wide and oh-so-green, her tone soft and reassuring. "Believe me, if either you or Mark disagrees, then nothing will happen."
"You want to sleep with us both." Jason had known from the beginning where this was going. And at first, he had been determined to stick to his guns. Either Mark or him. Not both.
And yet… She was completely open about her need. Then again, she always had been. He knew that, sexually, Princess needed more than he could give her. And if Mark could provide that more, then he couldn't deny her.
"Jason…" her tone was warning.
"What?"
"Don't compare yourself with Mark in this. And don't think that you don't satisfy me sexually. You do. I just…"
"Mark gives you something that I can't. And never could. When it comes to sex, he and I have completely different attitudes. Except for one thing. You. I've never wanted anybody else, and you've always been the centre of Mark's world. He told me once that after he slept with you the first time, he felt complete for the first time. He never wanted... No never needed anybody but you after that."
She was blushing. "He never told me that. You never told me that."
"You never asked."
She accepted his gentle rebuke and filled the meagre space between them with everything she felt for him.
"Jason, I do need you both. You both touch me in completely different ways. I don't remember much of Mark's touch physically, but I remember how it made me feel. I need to know again what that was like. I do know one other thing. Right from our first night together, you filled my needs in a way that Mark never could. Just as he does in a way you can't. It's wrong of me, I know. The morals of our society dictate that I should be with you or him. But something inside me says that without you both, I'm not whole. That if I'm with one or the other, there will always be something missing inside me." She nervously avoided his gaze. "I suppose that sounds really stupid."
"No, Princess." He tipped her chin so that they met eye-to-eye. "Remember – I missed Mark as well. And since he's been back I've felt more complete than I had for a long time. Consider this, love. We should hate him. We should be barely talking, and yet we've all fallen back into old attitudes and habits together. That tells me that something inside the three of us needs to be together."
"Jason, I think you've worked out that whilst you're away, I'm going to allow Mark to make love to me."
"Yes. It's killing me, but I think I'd rather know than speculate."
"But if you don't agree to let me do this and if he doesn't agree as well, then it's not going to happen. And Jason… it's not going to stop either. You and Mark will both need to recognise that once you come back, I'll still want to sleep with both of you. I don't know how I'll work it out. And I don't know how long I'll need to come to my decisions. But in that time, I want to be with you both. In every way. I will promise you both one thing. Whichever one I am with, I will be with you totally. I will never, ever, leave one bed in the night and go straight to another. That would make a mockery of what we all feel, and justify those who will accuse me of ..." She trailed off, blushing, but Jason knew what she was alluding to.
He nodded. She had just given him the one reassurance that he knew he needed. It was something he had dreaded – that she would come back to their bed smelling of Mark. Full from his loving. "I don't like it. But I can't see that I have a choice, do I."
"You always have a choice, Jason. I love you and I can't imagine my life without you" She kissed him again. "Please Jason. Please give me this." He could hear the desperate begging note in her voice.
He couldn't help it – the poison spilled from him again, and he hated himself as soon as the words came out. "You've already spoken to Mark, haven't you. Got his agreement? Is this just a formality?"
She made a disgusted noise. "No. I haven't spoken to Mark. I was going to do that tomorrow. I wanted to speak to you first."
First. She had come to him first! His decision had been made from the start of the conversation, and her confessions had only reinforced it. He loved her, and if he wanted to keep her, he had to allow this.
It didn't help that deep inside him, he knew it was the right decision and yet... There was still something missing. Some part of him that said "first step". It was time to take that first step.
"All right. I agree. It sounds insane, but I've got the same feeling deep inside that you do. That this is right. As for what people say," he grinned and kissed the tip of her nose. "When have I ever worried about that? Besides, anybody who says anything bad about you will have both Mark and I to deal with now. Nobody wants an angry Condor and Eagle on their tail."
She smiled. "True. I just hope that Mark and I can deal with the protestors."
"We'll do it the way that we always have. As a team. You know that I'll stand with whatever you and Mark say. We both know that when you confront them, the media will want a piece of all three of us. Before I go, the three of us should come up with some matching statements."
"Yes. Before you go. I'm going to miss you, Jason. And the children. But I'll miss you most. It's only in the last few days that I've realised just how much I rely on you just being there. I love you so much, Jason. I know that when we first started out, I wasn't in love with you. I've never told you, but I actually fell in love with you that first Valentines. The one you and Chris organised."
Jason was startled. "I thought it was when Vivian..."
She interrupted. "No. A long time before that. Jason, I would never have allowed myself to get pregnant if I wasn't in love with you – wasn't prepared to spend my life with you." She took a deep breath. "It was a big decision, Jason. I didn't discuss it with you. I should have. But my decision to have a child with you was when I realised that there was little to no hope of Mark returning. It was when I decided that I would make my life with you. But I had been in love with you for some time before then."
He marvelled. "I never knew."
"You never asked," she said, gently throwing his own words back at her.
Jason held her tight and moved his lips to hers, hoping he could convey all his love in his kiss. She returned it in a way that was entirely satisfactory, conveying her own love.
"Now, can we go to bed? I'm so tired I can barely see. And I've missed you, love." She initiated the kiss this time, a serious kiss that spoke to their mutual passion.
Jason sighed mentally. He could never deny her anything when she asked directly. He hated this, and yet knew that somehow it was inevitable.
All he could do was to love her. And together, he and Mark would shield her and their children from any fallout.
He returned her kiss, deepening it as he moved his hand to stroke her breasts. "And my needs?" he asked hoarsely, allowing his hands to roam freely. As he touched, he wondered what Mark would think. She wasn't the slender young girl she had been – she was a woman now, with the curves of a woman who had born two children, a woman who had been loved all her life. Still slender, still strong, but she carried that extra flesh on her that said "woman' rather than 'girl'.
"Right at the moment? Your needs are my needs, Jason. I need you to take me to our bed and make love to me."
"Not so tired now?" His tone was teasing.
"Sleep later."
Jason stumbled to the bedroom and was about to enter her when a thought struck him once again. She came to him first. Not Mark. Once again, she turned to him first.
It was him she wanted in her bed first. Not Mark.
He kissed her and was surprised to find himself fumbling with her clothes. Her shirt and skirt slipped to the ground at the same time she got his shirt and trousers off. He smiled at the lingerie revealed and ran his hands down her body, loving the shiver it elicited from her.
Princess..." he whispered, his knuckles softly grazing her cheek as his eyes devoured her lush form. A large part of him wanted to just take her then and there, but his heart told him that it wouldn't be enough. In order for him to attain absolute fulfillment, she had to attain it as well.
And truth be told, that was all he had ever wanted, anyway.
She smiled slowly, her lips curving up and pouting softly as she opened his fingers and pressed a gentle kiss into his palm. He closed his fist, treasuring her gift, before offering up his own kiss in return. His lips found the sensitive skin at the hollow of her throat, and she threw her head back, a sigh of simultaneous contentment and longing escaping her mouth.
"Princess..." he murmured again, his senses overcome with the heady taste and scent of her.
"Please..." she moaned, her fingers threading through his hair, urging him onward. "Please..."
It wasn't in him to resist her plea.
It was almost as if it was their first time. Although... In reality it was a last time. The next time he made love to her, she would have been with Mark. It was as though his body was trying to imprint how she was now onto his senses.
She was moaning under his touch, her body on fire with desire, every touch pushing her further into pleasure.
He entered her, thrusting in as deeply as he could, his own need intensified by her cries and reactions. As usual, she was totally uninhibited in her reactions and it aroused him even more.
Jason felt as if he couldn't get deep enough inside her, and he pulled her as close to him as he could, crying out as she wrapped her legs around him.
His climax was near, and as he looked down at her he saw those green eyes fixed on him. "I love you, Jason," she said, before screaming her release.
For Jason it tipped him over the edge and further. He felt that he had never climaxed as hard in his life. He thrust hard and had the reward of seeing her climax again, falling with him and then catching each other before crashing to the ground.
He collapsed next to her in bed, still holding her close, still with her legs wrapped around him. With wonder, he stroked her face and kissed her deeply. "I love you, Alexandra. No matter what, remember that I love you with all my being."