Disclaimer:
I don't own The Big Bang Theory.
A/N:
Thank you so much for all your sweet words. It really means a lot to me, because I had some hesitation about how I wrote Amy, and I still have hesitations through every chapter I write and tell her story, simply because a lot of Amy story is actually my own story.
Once again, I will write in the end or at the beginning of each chapter how or if, it relates to me.
This chapter I want Sheldon to learn more about Amy's experience. There will be some angst, but it is for a reason and in the end, it will turned out for the better. I know it maybe too soon for Sheldon to learn about it, but I also think that he would want to be prepared to whatever may come and how to deal with it.
Once again, this story is a way for me to deal with things that happened to me and things that I don't like about myself or even somewhat regret about things I did, and that include my own experience in relationships, which I'm going to write about in this chapter, in general, through Amy.
I will appreciate if you won't judge or critic it.
Chapter 21:
After a while, they broke the kiss. And looked at each other. Suddenly Sheldon reached for Amy's glasses and took it off gently. At first Amy was startled.
"What are you doing?" she asked him, with confusion.
"I want to clean them. they have tears all over their lenses." He said quietly and reached for a tissue and started to clean Amy's glasses.
"Oh… thank you." She said quietly, and looked around, as Sheldon cleaned her glasses thoroughly. Her vision was a bit weaker without her glasses, but she could still see the room quite well, and she saw more action figures and comic books, as she examined the room.
"Here." He said after a moment, and handed her, her glasses back.
"Thanks." She said, as she put them back on.
"I think we should get back there." Amy said, and Sheldon nodded, but made no move to go out.
"Is everything okay?" she asked him, when she saw that he was still sitting on his bad.
"I don't know." he said.
"what is it?" she asked him softly.
"I'm concerned or rather afraid…" he faltered.
Amy just looked and waited for him to elaborate.
"about your experience…" Sheldon said quietly.
Amy was afraid that this will alarm him. after all he was inexperienced. She decided to try and ease his mind.
"I can totally get where your concerns are coming from. It may seem like I have a lot of experience, but I honestly don't. I mean, I know what I want in a relationship, that's for sure, but regarding being intimate… I really don't feel like I have so much experience." Amy said quietly.
"what do you mean by that?" he asked her confused.
"look. Yes, I have had intercourse, but I don't feel, and I'm glad about it in a way, that I know exactly what to do." She whispered.
"how is that possible?" Sheldon asked.
Amy took a deep breath and let it out.
"I… I don't know… it's just is…" she didn't know if it was the right time to start this discussion.
"Please Amy. I need to know…" Sheldon implored her.
"But why? It's not like we are going to jump right to bed now. I don't want it to be like that…" she said earnestly.
"I need to be prepared." He said.
"Why?" she asked him, confused.
"Because I just do…" he insisted.
She thought about it for a while, and finally started to talk. Sometimes she really regretted dating those guys and doing those things with them.
She hoped everything will be different from now on, when she will have her next relationship.
"I just need you to remember that there are things that I'm not so proud of, and I would take some of them back because they were with the wrong guys and that is not what I'm looking for in a relationship. That's not the main thing." She said, and Sheldon nodded. She took a deep breath and started to talk, while she looked down.
"well, as I told you before, I have four ex boyfriends. The first guy I dated we just made out and got to second base. The second guy I dated, we mostly made out and got to third base. We made out a few times in his car. we did tried to have coitus when he broke up with me, but it didn't work out – "
"What do you mean that it didn't work out?" Sheldon was confused.
She took a deep breath and hoped that this won't alarm him so much, or make him doubt himself.
"Well, we were both virgins, and well, we tried to be intimate, but we didn't figure the mechanics so much, and it didn't happen eventually." She said.
Sheldon nodded, and let her continue with her story. Amy took a deep breath and continued.
"The guy I dated after him, was the guy I slept with for the first time. it was nice, and we did some things, that in retrospective I am a bit ashamed of them and I don't know what I was thinking." She said quietly.
"Like what?" he asked her, a bit afraid.
Amy was terrified of herself. She wanted to bury herself somewhere, and didn't know if it was a good idea.
"Sheldon, it's embarrassing." She said, not looking him in the eyes.
"Amy… please. This is important to me." He said.
"Why?" she asked him.
"I told you. I need to be prepared. I need to know what I'm up against." He said, trying to catch her eyes, but to no avail.
"Sheldon…" she whispered.
"Please." He said again.
"fine." she relented. "Well, after I finally had my first time with that guy, we did some stuff in public places. Not so much. One time we had intercourse in a public restroom and the few other times were just a bit more than make out."
"what is that mean?" he asked her, his voice barley a whisper.
"other forms of gratification." Amy said, and Sheldon nodded his head.
"you said you had one sexual experience with a guy you barley dated." He said after a few moments.
"Yeah. I was at shoes shop one time, and we started to talk and exchanged numbers. We met once after he finished his shift and hang out and… well… he took care of my needs. In a public restroom, too." She couldn't believe she reviled those things to him right now. She wanted to jump out of the window.
Sheldon was overwhelmed with that information. That was extremely bold, and so not him. how he could ever compete with that, he didn't know. he had to know about her last boyfriend before he will make a decision.
"and your last relationship?" he asked her, still overwhelmed with everything.
"with him, I didn't do anything like this. It was rather normal, and I was glad about it. he did surprise me, with stuff about himself, though." She said, and stopped for a moment. that was another uncomfortable issue.
"How he surprised you?" Sheldon was nervous.
"apparently, he had some… um… sexual toys. And thongs. For man." Amy almost hurled at the memory.
"I'm sorry. What?" Sheldon was shocked.
"Um… yeah. I didn't like any of it. we did try to use a small thing he had, that called butt plug. Well I hated that too. And no, no… I didn't let him put it there!" she said as he looked at her, horrified.
"So where on earth did he… never mind…" Sheldon said immediately.
"well, the point is, that I dated with the first three guys for two months, and I didn't get the hang of everything. And that is how I felt with the guy I dated for six months, and i still feel that way. And there was a time that we did other things instead of full intercourse because apparently, I had Chlamydia, which I took antibiotics for and it went away." She said quietly, not looking at him.
She wanted to run away, she knew she probably blew it, but he wanted to know so bad. God, she felt cheap.
"did you ever um… did… oral…" he whispered.
"Yes, but not to all of them. I did for the guy that we tried, and then to the guy I slept with for the first time. I tried to for the one we barley dated, but it didn't work out, which i'm glad it didn't, and my then the ex, whom I dated for six months. " She whispered, in the hope he won't hear her.
She needed to get out of there. Now.
"Sheldon, I think I should get going." She said quietly, trying not to cry. She feared that she just ruined everything.
"okay." Sheldon nodded. He was so overwhelmed. He couldn't believe it. I can't compete with that. he thought to himself.
"Amy… I don't think I can do this." He whispered. Amy looked at him, and nodded.
"I get it." she said, and went out of the room, trying hard not to cry.
"Hey, Penny, can you give me a ride home?" Amy asked her as she came back to the living room.
"Yeah, sure. what happened?" Penny said as she got up from her chair.
"nothing. I got tired." Amy said.
"It was nice seeing you all. Bye." She said.
"bye." They all said, looking at each other with confused looks.
They wandered what was happening there. They assumed that they finally revealed their feelings to each other, and also berated Raj for snooping and trying to see if Amy is available while they all pretty much know, that there is something going on between Sheldon and Amy.
As Amy and Penny were out of the door, Penny grabbed Amy in her arm and walked her to 4B.
"Hey… what are you doing? Whose apartment is this?" she asked her.
"mine. I'm not buying that you are fine. what happened there?" Penny point blank asked her, as they walked to her apartment.
Amy tried to hold her tears back, but some of them escaped.
"what do you mean?" Amy asked innocently.
"Oh come on, we can all tell that there is something going on between you two for a while." Penny said, and Amy gave in.
"Well… we talked about everything. About our feelings, well I said how I feel, and Sheldon expressed his concerns about my experience. Than he wanted me to tell him about it, and I did, and I think this is as far as our relationship will get. I think I scared him." Amy said with tremor in her voice.
"what did you said that could possibly scare him so much?" Penny asked, even though she knew that just the concept of being intimate or even being hugged, scared Sheldon to death.
"It just sounded like I was way more adventurous than what I really am, and eventually he said that he didn't know if he can do this" Amy said. She was getting tired and she wanted to go home.
"Is there any way you can give me a ride home now?" Amy asked her.
"No. I want you to stay here. I want to make sure you're okay. I can see that it hurts you, and I can only assume that you don't want to be alone with your mom right now." Penny said, and she was right.
"Okay. but where will I sleep?" Amy asked.
"here. I will sleep across the hall with Leonard, and if you will need anything, you can send me a text." Penny said softly.
"Thank you." Amy said, and she dialed to her mother.
It took her about fifteen minutes to assure her mother that she was okay, and just got really tired, and that is why she is not coming home, but eventually her mother relented and wished her goodnight.
Penny organized her room, and let Amy borrow something to sleep in. she looked at Amy who was now sitting on her bed. She looked so distraught, that she didn't know what to do.
Penny came to sit next to her and put her arm around her shoulder.
"It's gonna be okay." Penny whispered, and at that moment Amy couldn't hold her tears any longer, and she started to cry hard. She wandered if she ever felt like this. She had crushes and deep feelings for other guys in the past, but she didn't want to name her feelings towards Sheldon, like she did in the past. She learned the hard way, not to get attached so soon, but sometimes she just couldn't help it.
But she knew that the kiss they shared was the pretty much the perfect kiss. It's like all the others were practice for the real thing, or something like that.
Penny tried to sooth Amy, and after a few moments, Amt set straight and wiped her eyes.
"Thank you." She said quietly to Penny, and she nodded.
"Do you need any help?" Penny asked her.
"No. I'm okay. I think I'll just go to sleep." Amy said, and she rose from the bed and went to the bathroom to get ready for the night.
Penny told her from the other side of the door, that she is going back across the hall, and that she can call her or text her if she needed anything.
Penny went back to apartment 4A, and saw that everyone already left. Everything from dinner was already cleaned up.
Leonard wasn't in the living room, so she called his name.
"I'm with Sheldon." he said, and after a moment added, "I will join you later." He said.
They were clearly talking about what happened with Amy. Or at least, Leonard tried to know what happened.
"Sheldon… I've been here for almost fifteen minutes, everyone already left, and Penny came back, and you still haven't said a word. Whatever happened, I won't judge or tease you. I'm just worry about you." Leonard said to his friend, who was lying on his bed in a fetus position.
Sheldon just laid there, not knowing what to do with himself and with all the information he heard from Amy. She was right. They weren't about to jump in bed right away. Even just kissing her made him freak out a little. Well, a lot. But it also felt unbelievably amazing. But he didn't know what he has to offer her. or if he has something to offer her.
She maybe saying that she doesn't want those things, but what if she will someday. He can't do those things. He started to hyperventilate, and Leonard rushed to his side and help him sit up and calm down.
"Sheldon. I don't know what is going on, but it's not doing you any good. Please talk to me… or to Penny… Or Amy… but don't keep it to yourself, buddy." Leonard practically begged him.
Sheldon set up and mumbled something. Leonard caught the words "experienced… do this…".
He figured from those words alone, that he and Amy had a deep conversation about Amy's past relationships. He patted his friend's back in soothing motions.
"Do you want me to grab you some water?" Leonard asked, and Sheldon nodded.
Leonard went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water for Sheldon.
"How is he?" Penny asked from the couch.
"Not very good. I think they had a serious talk, and he got panicked." Leonard said, and went back to Sheldon's room.
"here you go, buddy." He said, as he handed Sheldon the bottle. He set back next to Sheldon, and saw that he calmed down as he took big gulps from the water he brought him.
"Look. I don't know what you talked about, but I think you should clear it up." Leonard said.
"I don't think there is something we need to clear. She is way more experienced, and I have nothing to offer her." Sheldon said with a definite tone.
"Sheldon, you have a lot to offer to her. you can't just decide that based on one conversation. you should really clear things up." Leonard said.
Sheldon pondered about that. he still didn't know what to do. A knock on his door startled them both.
"Sheldon, can I please come in?" Penny said.
"Yes." He said and Penny opened the door.
"Sheldon… I really don't want to intervene – " Penny started to say and Sheldon cut her.
"But you're going to anyway…" he said, not looking at her.
Penny sighed and started to talk again. "Look. I know in general what you talked about, and I think you should have another conversation. Amy looked pretty distraught after she came back to the living room, so I let her sleep in my apartment. you should talk to her in the morning."
"Why is she in your apartment? did you gave her alcohol?" Sheldon asked.
"No! she was sad and I offered her a place to sleep, since she clearly needed some time to herself after being in her mother's house for so long, and I wanted her to be close in case she will need any help." Penny berated him, and Sheldon just nodded.
"I think I will go to sleep now." Sheldon said, and his friends went back to the living room.
The night wasn't easy for neither Sheldon nor Amy. They both thought about their conversation a lot. Amy felt disgust with herself, and so immodest, that she started to cry again. She couldn't believe she just told Sheldon that. she also couldn't believe that she did all those things. She thought about them a lot, even before she met Sheldon, and she regretted the majority of those things, if not all of them.
When she heard, Sheldon was a virgin, she felt envy of him. at that moment, she wished she was as well, and that if their relationship would have worked, they will explore all those new things together.
On the other hand, she still felt like a virgin, even though she was a bit experienced.
Sheldon barley slept. His mind was constantly reminding him about his talk with Amy. He tried not to judge her actions. He reminded himself that everything she did was within a relationship, but the feeling that she wasn't as modest as she seemed, was stuck in his head. Eventually he fell asleep, with the decision to talk to her in the morning.
The morning came and Amy stayed in bed for a while. She didn't have some place to be in particular. Eventually she went to relieve her bladder, and maybe she will go home. as she walked to the living room the door to Penny's apartment opened.
"Hey. How was your night?" Penny asked her.
"Okay. I didn't get much sleep." Amy said gloomily.
"I see. Look, I saw Sheldon last night. I really don't know what exactly you were talking about, but he looked so sad and in pain, and I really think you should try and talk this through. It's a scary subject for him." Penny said, and Amy just nodded, and she followed Penny to the kitchen, an set on a stool.
"I actually think I will go home in a while. Maybe I'll go have some breakfast first." Amy said.
"You sure you don't want to eat with me? I will sit here with you if you want to." Penny said. She tried to make Amy feel better, as she saw that she was still not over what happened last night.
As she said that there was a knock on the door.
Knock, knock, knock, Penny and Amy.
Knock, knock, knock, Penny and Amy.
Knock, knock, knock, Penny and Amy.
Amy looked at Penny with wide eyes.
"What is he doing here? How does he know I'm here?" she whispered to Penny, terrified.
"I don't know, but we should let him inside, and I told him that you stayed here because you seemed pretty distraught. " Penny said. Amy nodded and Penny told Sheldon to come in.
Sheldon came inside the apartment and said a quiet "Hello" to both Amy and Penny.
"Hello." They answered back.
There was an awkward silence for a few moments, that eventually Sheldon broke off.
"May I talk to Amy in private?" he asked, and looked at Amy.
Penny and Amy exchanged looks, and eventually Amy nodded, and Penny went across the hall.
They stood there in silence. Stealing glances at each other. Finally, Amy talked.
"Do you want to sit on the couch?" She asked him quietly, and Sheldon nodded, and went to the couch.
Amy went to sit on the chair next to the couch. She didn't know what Sheldon wanted and how to act. She never been in a situation like this before.
Sheldon took a deep breath and then let it out.
"Look, Amy… I don't know what to say… react… do. I never been in this situation before." Sheldon started and Amy nodded.
"I'm trying really hard to look past it, but it's hard. You have so much experience, and you did some stuff, that I consider really immodest…" he faltered. It was hurting him to admit that, and as he saw that Amy was lowering her eyes, it hurt him even more.
"I'm scared that I won't have anything to offer you. I don't find the idea of coitus as fascinating, as it seems that you have. I really don't know how to do this, and if I even can do this… being in a relationship…" he said, and clarified himself.
Amy nodded, and took a deep breath.
"Sheldon, I totally understand you. I thought about all the things I told you in the past year and a half and even before that, and I'm being one hundred percent honest with you, I regret almost everything I did, but sometimes being a late bloomer, and discovering those new things, takes over. I'm not saying that will happened to you, just that that is what happened to me. You have to know that I know what I want in a relationship, and it's not all being physically intimate. I would much rather be in a supportive relationship, treated like an equal, having that one person I can trust the most, not being judged or someone who forced his beliefs on me, being each other best friends, and being intimate in other ways before we get physical. Those are the things that matter to me the most. Yes, that form of physical intimacy is also important to me, but not as much as the connection and the trust that I aspire to achieve in a relationship. Also, I am not planning on doing anything in public ever again or using weird stuff. I learned a lot from each relationship, and I have my thoughts of how I want to be in my next relationship and how I want my relationship to be." She said with feeling, holding her tears, and then added.
"I don't feel so modest myself, and I wish I could take It back, but I can't. when I learned that you were a virgin, I actually felt envious, and wished I was too. I do feel like that most of the times or not so experienced, as I told you last night, but all I can do, and did, is to change that behavior, but you also need to know, that those things are inclined with the guys I dated and their personalities. It's not all my idea. But in conclusion, I have no will to revisit most of that behavior. At all." She said.
Sheldon looked at her, and he could see she was telling the truth. He moved to the spot on the couch that was close to her. Amy noticed that and turned to face him.
"Are you sure of that?" he asked her with a tremor.
"Yes." She said with all the confidence she could muster.
"And you still okay with what I told you?" he asked again.
"Yes. Are you?" she asked him now.
A huge smile spread on Sheldon's face, and Amy was taking back. She didn't realize what got into him.
"Yes, I am." He said, and grabbed her hands. She looked at their hands, and then at Sheldon and smiled. They stared at each other and tears started to fall down from Amy's eyes, and as Sheldon saw that, he moved to the side, and motioned her to come sit next to him.
As she did so, he put his arm around her and held her tight. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he kissed her forehead. Amy than looked up at him and smiled a huge smile at him.
He smiled back at her, and leaned in carefully, and pressed his lips to hers. The sensation was so delicious, that he couldn't believe he almost gave it up.
"Thank you for giving it a chance." She said when they broke the kiss.
Sheldon nodded.
"I want to know about your past relationship a bit more. not the sexual parts. I think we covered that. just why they ended." He said.
Amy nodded. "that seems acceptable, but only if it won't make you freak out again."
Sheldon nodded. "I will work on that." he said, and held her tight.
Now he really won't let her go. Not after their honest conversation, and the knowledge that Amy wasn't looking for sex, or being intimate in public places, but for a real, deep relationship. He thought he could do that. he couldn't believe it, but Amy made it simple, and made it sound so appealing, that he had some confidence he might actually be able to do it. he knew she will help them, as she just did.
A/N:
This was one of the most personal chapters I've written so far, and I hope you will enjoy it. every single emotion that Amy has in this chapter, is the exact emotion I had in last few years, and during the writing of this chapter.
Amy's experience is my own experience.
I hope you will enjoy it, and I will appreciate it if you won't be harsh with your reviews.