Chapter 21
Can't This All Just Go Away?
Disclaimer-I own nothing!
René didn't sleep at all that night, when his alarm went off he was already practically up. Getting himself together for work he tried his best to focus. He focused on what he did every morning, take care of William, get himself breakfast, get dressed to get to work. As hard as he tried he couldn't get over how miserable he felt over what happened last night. Why couldn't he just have told his parents the truth from the start? Now he had to face his dad all day, if he still wanted him to train under him that was. He knew he couldn't fire him but that didn't mean they would still work together. His mind wouldn't stop worrying until everything went back to normal and who knew if that was ever happen.
Taking a deep breath he walked into his dad's office at the hospital just like he did everyday they worked together. They always met so they could go over patient charts and to see if anything had to be changed or if they had any surgery's to prepare for.
"Good morning dad." While he didn't expect them to talk about what happened at work he expected him to say something about it.
"Morning, here are the charts, now come on let's get to work. Today is going to be busy since we are still dealing with the accident victims."
"Yes dad."
Stepping back he followed Kyouya out of his office. It was obvious that he was trying to ignore the fact that he knew the truth. His father told him everything and René didn't know if it was worse that he wasn't going to bring it up or not. They were extremely busy with so many patients to check on so there wasn't much time of idle chatter. As they went to lunch though René thought maybe they would talk about it but Kyouya said nothing. René wished he could go back in time and make sure this never happened. Kyouya had locked himself in his office for lunch claiming he had loads of paperwork to finish if he wanted to go home at six. Knowing his dad was trying to avoid him was painful, if this went on for awhile he might have to talk to his uncle about training with someone else for little bit.
At the end of the day René finished helping Kyouya file everything, there was the same empty, sad silence between them. René couldn't take it anymore, he didn't want this space between them.
"Dad I know father told you about what I did last night. Please know that I am sorry. Dad I'm sorry for what I've done."
Kyouya grabbed his briefcase, before he left, with his back to René he just said, "I'm the one that is sorry." With that he walked out leaving René alone in the room. Unable to move he leaned against the file cabinets and cried.
René collapsed on the couch finally done with the horrible day at work. Michael saw him looking so down and upset as soon as he walked in the front door.
"Let me help you feel better mommy I know I can." René looked up to see Michael playing with William before placing him in his arms. "I take it things didn't go well?"
"He barely spoke to me all day; if it wasn't about work it wasn't spoken. I tried to apologize before we left but he just told me he was sorry and that was it. I really let them down Michael."
"Maybe if you just give them some time everything can work out. I don't see them never speaking to you again over this. I mean they already love William I don't think they would just stop."
Watching William so happy and playful in his arms brought a small smile to his face. Maybe time was what they needed but what if it wasn't? What if this just couldn't be fixed?
"Master René, you have a phone call. It's your sister Sophia."
"I should probably see what she wants, huh? Here go back to daddy and I'll be right back." Handing William back to Michael he got up to see what Sophia wanted. At least she was still talking to him.
Michael got up soon after, not to eavesdrop on René's conversation but he got this strange feeling he should stay close to him.
"Sophia, I'm sorry. You have to believe me. I…what? Are you sure? But there is no way I could have done that to them." Michael had stepped into the office as his gut feeling was right. Standing by the door he could hear Sophia yelling at René over the phone. René stood there for a moment after she hung up on him before he hung up the phone.
"René?"
"I was right, I did ruin everything. I broke it all and I have no way to fix it." He crashed into the car behind him.
"What happened that makes you say this?"
"Sophia just called me a home wrecking jerk because apparently my parents are mad at each other for what I did. She said they started fighting this morning and went back at it once my dad got home." René held his head in his hands, "They are filing for divorce."
"What? How can it be over what we did? Something has to be missing here."
René couldn't believe it; he ruined his parents' marriage. Him, the one that fought so hard to get them together was the one that tore them apart.
"I need to talk to them and try to keep them together. I can't have them leave each other over me and my stupid actions."
Walking into his parents house he saw Sophia getting ready to walk upstairs.
"What are you doing here René? Haven't you done enough damage already?"
"I came to fix this."
"Just go home, we don't want you here! You're not welcome here anymore! You've ruined everything!" Running upstairs he went to follow her only to be stopped by Michael.
"I'll talk to her you find your parents. They are who you need to talk to."
"Okay." Michael ran upstairs to talk to her and René handed William's car seat over to a housekeeper that was walking out of the living room. She was happy to watch him and point René in the direction of his father.
Tamaki sat out the back steps of the porch just staring at the yard. The sun was just starting to set giving the sky a pink tint to it. He had to come outside to get some fresh air after getting into another argument with Kyouya. They were both blaming themselves for René's actions and wishing they could see what they did wrong. Hearing the slider open he turned, he was surprised to see René walking on the deck to sit next to him.
"If I had asked you if you were pregnant back when you came home for Christmas would you have told me?"
"I don't know, maybe. I was scared to say something because I didn't want you to feel like I let you down but I wanted to tell you."
"So then I really did fail then since I had brought it up with your sister and dad a few times but I never talked to you about it. I really am the one to blame for this. You should have known that you wouldn't have let me down. You're my son and I should have helped you. René I need to know what I did to make you think that you couldn't come to me."
"You did nothing father. Please believe when I tell you that, I don't want you to think that you did because what I did was not influenced by anything you or dad did at all. When I first found out I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know if I would be able to go through with it. Not; not that I didn't want to have the baby but, but I thought I may have done something to him because I had been reckless the weeks before I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't get the strength to call and tell you what was going on. Then I collapsed and I really wasn't sure what harm I had done. I did want to tell you though, I almost did in the hospital but I still wasn't sure if the baby was okay so I didn't. After, well then I thought it was too late to say something. And I was scared that if you found out when I came home then others would know too and you and dad would be at risk again. Grandfather is still mad at us and I didn't want anyone else to hurt you from my actions. Please don't think that you did something to make me not tell you because you did nothing wrong, I did. I love you father and I just couldn't hurt you anymore by going against your wishes for me."
"Why continue to lie though? Were you never going to tell me the truth?"
"I planned on telling you one day, as soon as I had the strength to face you. I knew I messed up and I didn't want to see your face when I told you. I couldn't know that I hurt you again, it's been years since I made you cry and it hurts just as much now as it did back then."
"Oh René, you'd swear our roles are reversed, that you're my father. Come here. You haven't changed at all over the years you know that." Wrapping his arm around René's shoulder he pulled him closer.
"I know I never should have lied, it never felt right but once I started I wasn't sure how to get out of it."
"Well you haven't before, not really anyway. But, now you know why I always pushed the truth from you. Lying never brings good things."
"So father can you forgive me? I know I messed up but I don't want you to be mad with me, I'll do whatever I have to so you can forgive me."
"René I'm not mad at you. Sure you made a mistake but you're human and not perfect so it will happen. And even if I was upset I could never stay angry with you, you remind me of myself." Getting off the stairs he walked on the lawn to the garden by the wooden fence. René got up to follow him knowing his father still wanted to talk to him. "Your fear of seeing my upset face reminds me of when I kept secrets from your dad. Big secrets, secrets I needed him to know. Secrets can be just as bad as lying you know, but I kept that secret from him to make sure I didn't hurt. I didn't want to see him upset it would have crushed me, having him know pained me. Sometimes we hurt ourselves trying to protect the ones we love from our pain."
"How did you guys get past it?"
"I forgave myself, that's what your dad wanted me to do and once I did our lives could continue. Remember when I had laid in bed for weeks that one time? Before Sophia was born?"
"Yes." It took a moment since it had been years but he did recall it, how could he really forget? His father had been a wreck back then from the event that had taken place. But if his father was telling him this then it was probably good advice.
"So I should forgive myself?"
"You're really a smart kid you know that? I can tell you I'm not mad, your dad can tell you but you're the one that needs to forgive and not be mad. I got emotional last night because I was taken off guard but I'm not going to hate you or disown you, you're my son. You were doing what you thought at the time or even at one point was the right thing."
"But if you're not mad then why do you and dad keep fighting? Why are you guys getting a divorce?"
Tamaki stood up taller and turned to face him, this was news to him.
"Who told you we were getting divorced?" Had Kyouya told René something that he hadn't told him yet? Sure they had been fighting all day but it was nothing to get divorced over, at least he didn't think so.
"Sophia called to yell at me and told me I was the reason you both were getting divorced."
"Well this is news to me, come on let's go talk to her. And your dad, you really need to talk to your dad." Wrapping an arm around René shoulders they walked inside. Both were happy things had gone well between them. Neither wanted this to end poorly, to them they were best friends and they didn't want something like this to come between them.
As they got to the stairs inside they saw Michael coming down with Sophia who had her head down looking ashamed.
"Oh good Sophia just the person I wanted to see. I think you owe your brother here an apology for yelling at him."
"Right father; sorry René for calling and yelling at you I shouldn't have called you a home wreaking jerk."
"It's okay Sophia your forgiven." She walked over to hug him; she didn't like being mad at René and after talking to Michael she wanted to be forgiven by him. Tamaki was happy to see René and Sophia okay again, they were so close and he really didn't want to see any of his kids not talk to each other.
"Sophia, who told you your dad and I were separating?"
"…No one, but you and dad are always fighting and I noticed you both weren't staying near each other. So I thought you were going to get divorced and I blamed René for it. Sorry René."
"And things like this are what start rumors and gossip that lead to things much worse. So Sophia no more of that, and no more lying and secret keeping understood? Just ask René if you think I'm being too harsh, I'm trying to help you for the future."
"Yea Sophia father is right, I shouldn't have made you lie for me or lie in general."
With that all taken care of René walked down the hall to the second living room, as he liked to call it and to his dad's office. He didn't want a repeat of today to happen to tomorrow at work. The door to the office was already open but René knocked anyway knowing things weren't well between them.
"Dad, can I talk to you? I need to apologize for my actions."
Kyouya waved him in and to have him sit so they could talk.
"Dad, I'm sorry I never told you and father the truth sooner. And that you had to learn it this way. I messed up big time and I'll do whatever I have to so you can forgive me."
"I'm the one that needs to ask for forgiveness René. Because I acted like my father I scared you to the point where you couldn't come talk to me, or your father. I know how close you both are and you should have been able to go to him at the very least. My actions towards you in the past made you choose the path that you did these past months and for that I am sorry."
"…Dad, please don't blame yourself. While I'll admit it was the reason at first. I had been scared to say something, believing you would be angry with me it's not the reason why I stuck with my choice."
"Exactly my point, you thought to say nothing even only for a little bit because of me. I promised you years ago that I would always be there for you, that I would always care for you but my actions did not go along with that promise. I failed you as your father."
"No, you didn't! You never broke your promise because I chose my actions based off fears that I let you and father down! I'm not a child anymore, I'm not helpless and I didn't expect you and father to protect me forever or protect me from what I did! I fucked up by allowing myself to get pregnant before I was ready. You both told me to be careful and not to be stupid but I didn't listen. I was naïve and not worrying about consequences."
"You're still a child though! You just got out of school for Christ sake and married or not, with a baby or not those facts don't change! You didn't have the resources of someone older because you're not. You are twenty-two and were still in school, you weren't in the country that you planned to live in! That is why you chose to do what you did to William, for William. You are a child that had no real back up for your life because you never needed one. You knew what you were going to do with your life before you got pregnant because you hadn't planned on it. If you had lost that plan you would have lost everything and you didn't want that because you had nothing and you were scared to end up like your father. Just because you're legal doesn't make you not my responsibility. I was still responsible for you because you weren't married and you weren't trying to start a family."
"So then I failed you as a son. I knew I wasn't ready, I knew I had nothing but I thought because I was going to have a baby I had to figure out how to make it all work. I should have known I could go to you."
"You're not your father."
"Maybe, but I sure follow his actions it seems. I never learned from his mistakes."
"You did learn from his mistakes, you're here now aren't you? Your father may have made a lot of major mistakes growing up and you may have decided to not do the same but you were still going to make mistakes. Mistakes that only you could make, mistakes only you could fix, watching from others will only ever get you so far. René I want you to know something. No matter how old you get. No matter where our lives take us I want you to never forget that you are my son and I will always be here for you. I will always try to help you anyway I can."
René sat back and smiled, he still had the smile of his father, the one that his dad had trouble resisting. He was happy that they had both talked like this, it needed to be done.
"Can you promise me that René? Can you promise me you will never forget that?"
"I promise dad, I won't forget. I will come to you if I ever have to, if something comes up that I can't figure out how to handle. I never should have forgotten that I could come to you." René stood up after his dad did and followed him out of the room.
Tamaki looked up from playing with William to see Kyouya and René walk in. They were having small talk, that was a good sign, he could tell how much Kyouya had been affected by all of this, this morning. That was why they kept fighting, because Kyouya wouldn't talk to René, such children. He had been walking into the main living room when he noticed William was there with the housekeeper and to let the guys talk in private he hung out with his grandson. Why not right?
Seeing them look peaceful and talking normally again made him so happy. He didn't want his family torn apart by this; he wanted them to forever be close. He wanted to be a part of his grandsons life, family was important to him just as it always had been, he wasn't going to let it go so easily.
"Look William, it's your granddad and mom."
"Tamaki let's not call me granddad, it makes me sound so old." He sat down besides them laughing to play with William.
"Well dad what do you want to be called? I don't care since it's your name." René sat on the coffee table to watch them together. William was smiling at his grandparents happy to be in their arms. Kyouya took him from Tamaki as he noticed the look on Tamaki's face, he was going to crack a joke about his age.
"I don't think either of you are old. If thirty-eight is old then I am screwed."
That night Tamaki had the three of them stay for dinner. I was nice to have his whole family together. With René living his own life now these nights would be rare but cherished even more now.
René held William who was crying unable to get René to see what he wanted. He was already a year old and they learned that he had a learning disability; he wasn't able to associate items with their names. He wasn't even speaking yet. René blamed himself for having this happen, saying it was his reckless actions before he found out he was pregnant though they had no proof. He hated knowing his son had to suffer from it. René didn't know what to do when William wanted something and he couldn't figure it out.
"I'm trying William I swear I am, I know it's hard but don't give up on mommy please. Help me figure out what you want." Even as he pointed things out to him he just cried, he really wished there was some way to get through to his son, some way to help him. As William fought to get out of his arms he put him down and knelt on the floor to watch him, see if he couldn't get some faint sign or something. He just hit the floor with the palm of his hands crying. René couldn't watch this anymore, he was going to lose it, not that this was any fault of Williams but his own for not being able to do anything. Why did Michael have to be out of the house right now? He had just gotten home from work not all that long ago to find that Michael was at a practice and the housekeeper was babysitting.
"I'm sorry Michael that mommy really can't help you. Mommy doesn't know what you want from him." Falling back on his knees he placed his head in his hands and cried. That was all he did anymore it seemed, cried whenever William cried like this. He moved his hands as he felt little ones on his, William had walked over to close the gap between them and once he had moved his hands he moved even closer to snuggle against René's chest.
"…William." Looking up at René he smiled and hit him in the face with his teddy bear that he carried with him everywhere, not that he meant to but he was so close when he lifted his arm to give it to him it smacked him. That bear was so old, apparently it had been his father's growing up and then René got when he was little, it was one of the items his father brought with him to France. After it got some stitch work down it was giving to William, who loved it. René couldn't help but smile as William tried to give him the bear, he was trying to make him feel better. He must have understood that the bear always helped him feel better so maybe it would help his mother too.
"Thanks William, we'll be alright won't we? We can make it all work out right?" Lifting him in his arms he walked out with him to the living room so they could relax, maybe even nap together.
"I'm out of ideas dad, nothing is working." René sat in his dad's office despite for ideas, his whole family had been helping him think of things that could help teach William but so far nothing really worked. He did learn a way to tell them he was hungry which was a huge help but they needed something so he could talk. Kyouya had been looking into as best as he could and even included his uncle who was doing research since he had easier access to world things then either of them did.
"Maybe you just have to repeat what you have been doing; maybe if you keep doing an activity he will just learn it after awhile. Has reading helped?"
"Very little, Michael said he recognizes what a ball is from them but that's about it. Part of me is happy to know it's just not me that is having this communication problem, Michael is too. It's a horrible thing but it always seemed to happen when I was alone. But Michael has been home during the day for the past few weeks and has had it happen so I'm glad to know it's not just me causing it. "
Both stopped talking as they heard William start screaming from down the hall. He was having a fit again; René had hoped this wouldn't happen since he was with his father. Getting up he ran into the other room to try and help his father. He stood there with his dad besides him as he watched his father holding William on the couch trying to get him to relax.
"William, ssshhhh it's okay I promise. Look at me, its fine. Tell me what you want, I know you can, calm down and try to tell me again okay. Grandfather didn't understand you the first time but let me try again." Tamaki kept voice level and his eyes locked on William's as he got him to settle down. René would have to remember that. Once he settled down Tamaki did manage to figure out what he wanted which was to go by the piano, he liked listening to it as they all learned a few months before. Tamaki didn't realize at first but he had a CD playing when René came over and it held nothing but classical piano pieces. William remembered the sounds of the piano and didn't like that it stopped. When Tamaki lifted him back in his arms René noticed his one cheek was red.
"Father did he slap you?"
"Not really. Trying to get a hold of him my face got too close to his flailing arms. That bear hurts when it hits you." Seeing the look of concern of René's face he just smiled. "Don't worry René, we will figure this all out together, you'll see William will be just fine."
William sat on René's lap at the stadium. He was a year and a half and still nothing, no words and very little pointing to things. René hoped they were close to hearing his first word soon but days continued to pass with nothing.
"William, ready to see daddy's baseball game?" He just looked up at René, smiled, and rested against him. He tried to come to as many games as he could. One to support Michael and two because William liked to watch. He would squirm a little when someone hit the ball but overall he would sit and watch without a fuss. As the game got underway he would point Michael out on the field and when he was up to bat, he would also play with William to have him cheer when necessary. Michael came up to bat in the seventh inning. The announcers said his name over the sound system, William turned to René while pointing out towards the field.
"What is it William? Yes, daddy is up to bat again. Cheer for him, cheer to have him hit it out of the park."
"Daddy!"
René froze for a second before wrapping his arms around William, hugging him tightly. "Yes that is daddy."
"Daddy!"
After the game Michael looked around for René and William, usually they met on the field after the game. One, to avoid the crowd still trying to leave the parking lot and two so he could play with William for a little bit, nothing like a game of baseball with a one year old to make the day perfect. Seeing René coming up he noticed he looked really happy, happier than he had been in months. He saw William being placed on the ground so he could run over to him, he couldn't get over how beautiful his sons smile was.
"Come get daddy William, did you like the game?" He jogged over to meet him halfway.
"Daddy!"
"What?" Scooping him up in his arms they spun around a few times.
"Daddy!"
"You said something! Yes William Daddy is right here." He didn't know if William knew what the word Daddy meant but it was a start at least. They were finally getting somewhere. René was beside them watching, he was so happy right now he couldn't describe it.
"When you got up to bat seventh inning he said it right after they said your name.
"Is that so? William you're so smart you know that. Now can you can say Mommy?" Holding him he pointed to René. William just smiled and stuck his arms out for René to take him again. "I guess we aren't there yet."
"Maybe not Michael but I'll take this."
Michael walked into the kitchen to see René doing his best to help William with his homework. He couldn't believe he was five and in school already. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge he sat on the other side of William to help. It seemed that he had no problem with any project or lesson that didn't involve numbers or words; if he was told to draw a picture of his family he could do that no problem. If it did then it would take a few different ways to try to teach it to him. Michael fully agreed with René that William was just as smart and capable of achieving everything he wanted; it would just take a while. And both their families were always giving them ideas to try and help William. René could see him getting upset that he wasn't understanding it. Seeing tears wanting to take over his little eyes made him want to cry as well.
"Why don't we take a break William? Let's work on this after dinner okay?" Lifting his chin he smiled as he wiped his eyes. "You'll get it so don't cry. You're a smart boy, you'll see. You'll get it and you'll show your whole class how smart you are." René knew how hard school was for him, both the teacher and his father had told him he would start to cry when he was the last one to get what they learning or if he just didn't understand it. Having his father work at Ouran was one of the reasons he let William start school, Tamaki promised to watch over him and help him the best he could even if it was just letting him leave the classroom for a little while. They had all discussed homeschooling but being with others would help him grow socially.
"Am I really smart mommy?"
"You are. You got an A on your last test remember? If you work hard then you can achieve anything. Try not to worry William you'll be a great student so long as you don't give up on yourself."
"I'll be smart to work with you and Granddaddy?" It was still so cute to hear him call Kyouya that, since he couldn't think of anything once William started to learn new words and talk more he called him Granddaddy since he heard René always call him dad and in trying to teach him about grandparents it just stuck. He started calling Tamaki grandfather as soon as he could, before then he just copied René by calling him father.
"You're my son aren't you."
"Hey what about me William?" Michael ruffled his hair to tease him.
"I could play for the Giants too?"
"If you want to, look at this arm. This is the arm of a pitcher and hitter."
"Or a great shortstop." Playing around with him Michael got him to smile and laugh. Both of them wanted him to focus on school since they knew he had to work hard in it but that didn't mean he couldn't do things outside of it. He loved learning to play baseball and they used it a few times to help him with school.
"William, want to help me with dinner?"
"Sure mommy." Sliding off the chair her grabbed Michael's hand so the three of them could work on it together, it would take awhile but William would be fine in school and life, everyone knew it.
William sat on the couch reading a book out loud, it was his favorite. René was leaning against Michael's chest happy to hear his son reading with little trouble and volunteering to read for them. When he finished he waiting anxiously for their approval.
"Well done William, you've gotten much better since last time."
"I agree with your mother nice job."
"Really?"
Both nodded with smiles on their faces making him even happier.
"Now time for bed William." Moving away from Michael René stood up to bring him upstairs and tuck him in.
Michael watched as René took Williams hand as they left the room. Life was so perfect right now; William was a great kid and struggles or not, had so much love and support from his whole family that everyone knew he would somehow get over his learning gap. René was working at the hospital with his dad still and loving every second of it, and was currently expecting their second child, a girl, as they had just learned the other day, in five months. René had been a little worried when he found out he was pregnant again since he knew William needed so much help with school but they both believed it would be fine. So far William was excited to be a become a big brother and he personally didn't think William would get jealous if she didn't have the same problem as he did in school the way René feared. No, he figured everything would be okay. The close sibling bond would get passed down another generation without a doubt.
"Coming daddy?"
"Yea I'm coming."
René watched Michael chase William in the back yard. Had he not been seven months pregnant and a complete klutz from it right now he would probably be running around with them. Life was so perfect right now. Not that it hadn't been once he made up with his parents back when William was still a baby but, it just seemed to get better, he knew things could change as William got older but they were ready and would deal with it as it arose. Right now he would smile at his amazing family, his all-star baseball player husband, a son that never ceased to amaze him, and a family that they were so close to it was like they were neighbors. At least once a week they all had dinner together at someone's house. He couldn't wait until his daughter was born because he could already tell she would be so close to her big brother. Yea, life was perfect even after all the mistakes he had made growing up. Actually, the more he thought about it the more he realized it was probably from those mistakes that life was so perfect now. There was nothing he would trade for a different life for this one was all he ever wanted and needed.
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DONE! Technically Making Your Own Mistakes has ended but I'm not done with it quite yet. Stay tuned for something that I have never done with a story before. I'm excited and hope you are too.