As soon as they were home, Ally headed to the bedroom and retrieved her pen and songbook she took to the bathroom. Sat on the toilet, she hurriedly jotted down the lyrics to her new song. The song was special, she could feel it, and she hoped that if—when they sang it as a duet it would become as special to them and their fans as Shallow was. Musically Shallow had put her in the limelight. It had given her the confidence to perform her own songs and music, eventually spearheading a singing career she'd never imagined she could have.
But the songwas a lot more than a musical success. It symbolised the beginning of hers and Jackson's journey, their life together, the love and deep connection they shared right from the very first moment they'd laid eyes on each other. In the song, she'd exposed their vulnerability and opened her heart to a man she'd hardly met, falling in love with him before she'd even realised.
Emotionally, this new song felt similar. Maybe it could be what got them singing together again, what put Jack back on track and on the map, spearheading his own return to performing. Maybe with her by his side he wouldn't find it so daunting to go back out there and face the critics. He'd already agreed to play guitar on One More Light, and she hoped that she could convince him to lend his voice – and his guitar – to that track too.
A soft rap on the door startled her. "You okay in there?" Jackson asked quietly.
"Sure," she replied brightly.
"You've been there a long time."
Putting her book down on the floor, Ally stood up from the toilet and pulled her pants up. "Sorry. I just got—I'll be right out.
"Good, 'cause lunch is almost ready."
When, finished, she exited in the bathroom, she found Jackson waiting outside the door.
"You okay?" he asked with evident concern. "More blood?"
"No, I mean, a little, but no more than before. Less in fact." Giving him a wide smile, she raised her songbook to his eye line and stepped past him, headed to the kitchen. "I was just…writing the song down, you know, before I forgot it."
"It's a great song," he said, following in her wake.
She put her songbook and pen on the kitchen island, then turned toward him and watched him uncertainly.
"What?" he asked, frowning with puzzlement.
"I've called the song A Reason To Fight," she said, opening the cutlery drawer.
"The Taco Bell song?"
Laughing, she took out two knives and forks and turned toward him. "Yeah, the Taco Bell song."
"That's a great title. You definitely need to put it out." A smile twitched, growing mischievously on his lips. "My ego wouldn't stand it if you didn't."
"I want us to record it as a duet."
The smile died on his lips. "What?"
"I want us to record the song as a duet," she repeated as casually as she could before grabbing two placemats from the pile and taking everything to the table.
"I heard you the first time," he said, his head shaking.
Turning away, he moved to the fridge and poured them glasses of iced tea and Ally set the table. The fact that he hadn't rejected the idea out of hand boded well, and she was happy to bide her time. Nothing would happen for months anyway; she'd planted the seed in his mind and would let it germinate. She watched as Charlie ambled in from outside, headed to his water bowl. After drinking thirstily, he sat down on his hind legs next to Jackson now busy at the stove, his nostrils twitching at the smell of grilling chicken.
Smiling to herself, she put bread, salad dressing and the two glasses he'd filled on the table. Jack brought their plates over before returning with two grilled chicken breasts he'd cut into strips and which he shared over green salad with tomato, cucumber and avocado pieces, keeping a little back he gave to Charlie.
"Wow, thank you, this looks amazing," she said, sitting down and picking up her fork. "I'm starving." She stabbed a couple of tomato pieces and brought them to her mouth.
"You're eating for two now," he said, watching her tenderly, and she stopped mid-chew.
"Oh, I don't know about that." Finishing her mouthful, she loaded more food onto her fork. "I don't want to be piling on the pounds."
"You've got a baby growing inside you," he insisted. "Sure, you're going to pile on the pounds." Ally pulled a face as she chewed, and laughing Jack began eating too, spearing a strip of chicken and putting it whole into his mouth. "I'm not saying 'Yes'," he went on after a beat, his mouth full, "But I'm not saying 'No' either."
"About the song?"
Popping more food into his mouth, he gave a nod.
Ally's smile returned. "That's good enough for me. For now," she added, bringing another forkful of salad to her lips.
They ate silently for a moment, before Jackson's face lit up excitedly. "The pool guy left a copy of the plans this morning," he said, chewing. "I can talk you through everything afterwards if you want."
"Did you say they were starting tomorrow?"
He bobbed his head enthusiastically. "I need to tidy the yard, put stuff away in the garage to make space for the Porta Potty and machinery and stuff. They're going to bring some fencing so I can build Charlie a pen, you know, so he can have time outdoors without getting in the way."
She glanced at Charlie lying in a ray of sunlight on the tile floor. "Can't the contractor – I mean his guys – do all that?"
"Sure they can. But I want to. Ally, I want to get stuck in. I'm stoked about the pool—"
"What do you know about building pools?" Smiling, she picked up a salad leaf with her fingers and brought it to her mouth.
"Nothing, which is why we have a contractor. I'm just going to help out, shift stuff, dig. Whatever. It's going to be too noisy anyway for me to do anything – music-wise. I figure the physical exercise will do me good, and besides it'll keep me busy for when you're back out there."
Her gaze averting, she sighed. "I wish you hadn't brought that up."
"Why not? It's exciting. Ellen's just the start. You know that, right? Rez'll have a whole schedule lined up for you. And rightly so, otherwise he wouldn't be doing his fucking job."
"A whole schedule based around LA."
"For starters for sure, but how long do you think that's going to work?" Jackson shoved more food into his mouth. "You can't just…do gigs in LA, or even just on the West Coast for that matter. This is a big country. You got to…spread the word as far and wide as you can."
A smile formed as she chewed. "Spread the word, huh?"
He grinned. "Sure."
She sighed. "Only if you come with me."
He was about to reply when he averted his gaze to his glass and picked it up. "We'll see," he said, downing the rest of his sweet tea.
Shock registered on her face. "Jack, what the hell?"
"I'll come if I can, but…" He took her hand holding the fork and squeezed it, "maybe I'll be busy doing my own stuff by then."
"Doing your own stuff, like…" She frowned quizzically. "Building pools?"
His smile returned, wide and amused. "No, not building pools. That's just short term." Sobering, he scratched at the stubble on his cheek. "Lukas's left a couple of messages. On my cell. The band's getting restless. I mean, I'm not saying we're going back on the road, 'cause I told him we're not, but maybe in a few weeks we can start to write again and play together, in the studio like, see what happens." He paused. "They really dug that song, Ally."
"I really dug that song too," she said, her expression softening tenderly. "And the other one. The one about me."
He laughed. "They're both about you."
"Then, maybe you could record them. For me?"
He stabbed his fork in her direction. "I know what you're doing," he said, his head shaking in disbelief.
Laughing, she pushed to her feet, walked around the table to his side and reading her intention he put his fork down and pushed his chair back so she could sit on his lap. "Oh, you do, do you?" she whispered, lacing her arms around his neck and staring at him lovingly.
He touched his fingertip to her nose, then kissed her lips and with a sigh leaned his head against her chest.
"I'm sorry, baby," she said into his hair, picking up on his change of mood as she held him to her. "I didn't mean to be so…pushy."
"You're not." He looked up with a smile. "I appreciate the support. I really do. And recording a song doesn't have to mean putting out a record, right?"
"Right," she said. "Not if you don't want to. It'll just be doing what you enjoy doing the most."
He gave a slow nod of agreement. "So, no pressure." His eyes lowered briefly, hesitantly, before they came back up again. "I want you to promise me that…you're going to do whatever it takes to finish promoting this album."
She sighed. "You mean, do what Rez wants."
"No," he said with a firm shake of the head. "Not at all. But don't dismiss his suggestions out of hand simply because they come from him. He's done alright by you so far, even if I don't like the direction he took you. I just…don't want you to jeopardise your work and your career because of me, because you think I wouldn't cope." He held her gaze steadily. "Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"Yeah, I do," she said with a grudging smile. "I don't like it, but I understand it."
His face softened with recognition. "Your contract with Rez and the record label is only for one album. You don't have to renew with either if you don't want to. You'll easily be done by the time the baby comes anyway, then you can do what you want. Take time off, or start over with the next album. It's up to you."
Nodding distractedly, she pushed to her feet when he squirmed uncomfortably under her and resumed her place at the table. She hoped that by the time her second album was ready to be released, he'd be recovered enough to agree to manage her, and if not manage her then maybe agree to tour together. She had it all planned in her head. She could open the concert with her solo material, then they'd sing their duets as a transition before he closed the event with his own stuff. She didn't mind being his opening act. That way, they could travel together around the country and around the world as a family. Her, Jack and the baby.
"How about Mexican?" he said, drawing her back to the moment.
She refocused on him with a start. "Mexican?"
"For dinner. Tonight."
"Oh, okay. Sure. Mexican sounds great."
"I was thinking we could celebrate my victory, you know? Me not giving in, this morning at Taco Bell." Pausing, he put the last of his slice of bread in his mouth. "That said, I haven't heard back from Bobby," he went on musingly.
"He'll be there," she said with confidence.
Smiling, he stood and she watched as he took her pen from the kitchen island and a pad from the drawer. "If I give you a list of what to buy will you go grocery shopping for me?"
"Sure. I still need to get the folate supplement anyway."
"That way I can get started on the yard."
Jackson set to work in the yard as soon as they finished lunch, Charlie following in his wake, leaving Ally to clear up the kitchen. For a moment as she stood at the window, she watched them interact, Jackson talking to Charlie as he carried stuff back and forth to the garage while Charlie trailed him like his shadow. The smile lingering on her lips, she imagined him playing with their child in that same yard, maybe pushing him – or her – on a swing or on the zip line, or building dens with Charlie like Lukas's boys had done during the barbecue, or even a tree house.
Jackson looked up suddenly. Their eyes met and he smiled softly. Smiling back, she raised her hand in a small wave. He motioned for her to come out, and she lifted her finger, indicating that she would, soon. She finished tidying the kitchen, then joined her boys outside, taking with her a bottle of water from the fridge and the plans for the pool Jack had left on the kitchen island. It was hot outside. Jack had taken off his T-shirt, and he accepted the water gratefully. They sat down on the couch in the shade and, while Charlie rummaged in the shrubs and bushes nearby, Jack talked her through the plans.
It was so heart-warming to see him happy and excited again and with a purpose, especially after the events of the morning. She never thought in a million years that she'd reach a point in her life when money wasn't an issue anymore, when it certainly didn't matter as much as their mental wellbeing. She had suggested they had a pool built without batting an eyelid, simply because she believed it would be good for Jackson and his recovery. They could afford it. Jackson definitely could, not so much through careful money managing on his part, but because of Bobby's careful investments, but now she had enough money of her own that she could too. It was just mind-blowing, and some mornings she still woke up and pinched herself.
Ally parked the truck outside the garage and carried the bags of groceries over to the kitchen, setting them down on the table. A fairly large package was waiting there and when she checked she saw that it was from Rez's management company. She lifted the box, it was light for the size, and shook it. Whatever it was, she didn't need right now, and so she put the package down again, opting instead to stow the frozen food she'd bought in the freezer before it defrosted entirely.
The house was quiet, and after grabbing a bottle of water for her and a Bavaria booze-free beer for Jackson from the fridge, and her trusted packet of saltines, she lowered her sunglasses from the top of her head and made her way outside. Jack was half-lying, half-sitting on the couch with Charlie tucked in his side, and she smiled. While she was gone, he'd cleared the yard of every item except for the couch itself, which presumably was too heavy for him to shift on his own. She was going to call out to him when she realised that he'd dozed off.
"Shh," she told Charlie in a whisper when he looked up, "Don't move or you'll wake Daddy."
Charlie cocked his head to the side, then looking over at Jack stood up, shook himself and jumped off the couch to greet her.
"Sorry," Jackson said, stretching his back as he roused. "I only meant to shut my eyes for a minute."
He straightened up, then patted the space beside him Charlie had vacated and after they kissed she held out the alcohol-free beer to him and sat down. He twisted the cap off, took a long swig and wiped the sweat from his brow.
"Thank you," he said. "I needed that."
"I can help you shift the couch if you want," she said, smiling as she offered him a saltine. "When you're done resting?"
"When I'm done resting?" he exclaimed in disbelief.
Smiling at him sweetly, she took a bite of her cracker and after grabbing a couple from the packet he did the same.
"Thank you, but I don't think so," he said, chewing quickly. "I'll get your Dad, or Bobby to help me later."
Her expression darkened. "Jack, being pregnant doesn't stop me from doing all the things I'd normally do."
"I'm sure that's true. But when's the last time you shifted a couch, huh?" he countered, swiftly adding before she could retort, "But what I'd really like is a dip in the pool. I've been thinking of nothing else since I started."
"You okay?" she asked, immediately concerned. "Are the cravings back?"
"No," he said, laughing as he took another sip of beer. "It's just too fucking hot for manual labour. Even in the shade."
She cocked a brow. "What happened to…helping out, shifting stuff, digging?"
He winced. "Too much like hard work. By the way, a package came for you. I left it on the table. It's from Rez."
"I saw." Shrugging, she finished her water. "I'll open it later."
"Hello? Anyone home?" Lorenzo called, rounding the corner into the yard.
"Dad!" Ally exclaimed, springing to her feet. "You're early. Like way early!"
Lorenzo's shoulder lifted in a shrug. "I wasn't doing anything and well, you know, I couldn't wait to see you. Congratulate you and Jackson in person." Pausing, he took Ally in his arms and they embraced warmly. Jackson stood up, and Lorenzo moved to hug him too. Jackson caught Ally's eye, and she smiled tenderly.
"So, how are you, sweetheart?" Lorenzo asked, pulling back.
"I'm okay."
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "And the baby is too. You heard for yourself."
"I did," he said, his expression softening. "I did." He turned toward Jackson. "Wasn't that just the sweetest sound?"
His smile stiffening, Jackson gave a nod.
"Like I said on the phone," Ally went on, guessing that her father's words had reminded Jack of that morning's events, "it was a false alarm. I feel so foolish now."
"It's best to be sure."
Glancing at Jack, she gave a nod.
"Does it mean—" Lorenzo's eyes widened as they went from Ally to Jack and then back to Ally, "Does it mean what I think it means?"
Grinning, Ally nodded. "You're going to be a grandfather!"
Lorenzo brought a closed fist to his mouth. "Oh, wow, sweetie." He wiped a quick knuckle under his right eye. "I never thought that day would come."
"Dad—" she protested. "Don't cry, or you'll make me cry."
Lorenzo glanced at Jackson. "I'm not crying. I just got a little dust in my eye."
She watched her father with affection. "Hard to believe, huh?"
"No, sweetheart. It's not hard to believe at all. You're going to make a wonderful mother."
Her smile faded. "Yeah, well, I hope so."
"You will," Jackson said, draping his arm around her shoulder comfortingly.
"And you, Jack," Lorenzo went on, clapping Jackson on the shoulder, "You must be over the moon."
Jack's smile returned. "I am," he said, before repeating quietly as he turned to look at Ally, "I really am."
Tears of joy welled in her eyes at the sincerity of his words, and glancing at her father she wiped at them self-consciously. "See? Now, I'm crying."
"It's the hormones," Lorenzo said as an aside to Jackson.
"Like you'd know anything about that," Ally retorted with a pout.
"Anyways," Jackson cut in, smiling as he turned toward Lorenzo, "You couldn't have timed it better actually. I need someone to help me shift the couch."
"And he won't let me help," she said.
"Too right, he won't," Lorenzo concurred, "In your condition?" She opened her mouth, ready to protest, when her father smiled and winked at her. Her head shaking in disbelief, she watched as he turned back to Jackson. "So what's happening here, huh?"
"Work's starting on the pool tomorrow," Jackson replied. "You want to see the plans?"
Lorenzo's face lit up with excitement. "Hell yeah."
Jackson put his beer down on the ground by the foot of the couch, then picked up the plans and Lorenzo moved closer to take a look.
"You want a drink, Dad?" Ally asked, heading up the path toward the kitchen.
"I'll have the same as Jack, thanks."
She was putting the groceries away in the fridge when she heard approaching voices before Jackson and her father came into the kitchen. She reached for an alcohol-free beer and handed it over to her father.
"I'm going to go grab a shower," Jackson said, giving her a one-handed hug. The way he held her gaze as he walked away made his subtext very clear. He was deliberately giving her and her father a little time alone so they could talk. She wasn't sure she was in the mood for what he had in mind.
"This pool's going to mean a lot of disruption," Lorenzo said, refocusing her.
"It will," she said, smiling. "But it's only for twelve weeks. It'll be worth it in the end. I'm just…not looking forward to cleaning the house afterwards."
"Then get a cleaner. If you can afford a swimming pool then surely you can afford a cleaner, especially in your condition." Before she could phrase her objection, he added, "But I was thinking more about the noise, and how either of you will manage to…make music." Beer in hand, Lorenzo took a seat at the table. "You know you and Jackson can always come and stay with me, right?"
Her face lit up with amusement as she recalled Jackson's reaction when she'd suggested the same thing. "I know. Thank you. We'll see how it goes." She reached for the packets of saltine crackers form the grocery bag and put them away. "Did Jack tell you that I'm going to be on The Ellen Show?" she said matter-of-fact, straightening up.
"The The Ellen Show?" Lorenzo exclaimed with evident disbelief, but joy and pride too.
Ally nodded her head.
"No, he didn't say," he went on, chuckling, "When?"
"Tuesday after next."
"Oh, my, Ally." Lorenzo stood, then covered the distance to her and two big hands cupping her face planted a right smacker on her cheek. "You make this old man so proud." He paused in his tracks suddenly. "That's like recorded in front of a live audience, right?"
"It is," she replied. "I'm going to sing The Cure and then do a short interview."
"You think you can get me tickets to come watch? I mean, for me and the guys?"
She registered a look of surprise. Four old men hardly qualified for Ellen's typical audience. "How about work? The show tapes during the day. You can't all miss work."
"Fuck work, Ally. This is you on The Ellen Show, here in LA! And I can be there for once, watching you sing live! Not watching on the YouTube."
"I've sung live to you plenty of times."
"You know what I mean."
Speechless, Ally opened her mouth, only to shut it again. "Sure, why not?" she then said, laughing in disbelief. "I'll see what I can do."
"That's my girl," Lorenzo said, grinning with pleasure. "Wait till I tell the guys! They're going to be so excited."
"Talking of the guys. Have you…told them about the pregnancy?"
He paused. "No. Not until I knew for sure, you know, what your plans were, regarding the baby."
"Do you think you could…keep the secret a while longer? From the guys too?"
"Sure," Lorenzo said, frowning. "But why?" His expression turned fearful. "You're not going to change your mind, are you?"
"No, no. It's just…it's early days yet and risks of a miscarriage are still high and I don't want the news to leak out, you know."
Nodding understandingly, Lorenzo pretended to zip his mouth shut and throw away the key. "I won't breathe a word to anyone. Not until you give me the go-ahead."
"Thanks." She walked over to the couch and retrieved the sonogram of the baby from her purse to show him.
"Is that a photo of my grandson?" he asked excitedly, creeping up behind her.
She smiled. "Or your granddaughter."
"I think it's a boy," he said confidently, staring at the picture.
"You sound very sure of yourself. You want to put money where your mouth is?"
Lorenzo laughed. "I tell you what. You're on." He put his beer down on the coffee table then took a seat on the couch and still looking at the sonogram Ally sat down beside him. "What changed your mind?" he then asked quietly, "About keeping the baby."
Ally didn't answer immediately. She just stared at the sonogram for long second before looking up with a sad smile. "The fear of losing it," she replied. "It felt like I was losing a part of myself, and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening." Tears brimmed in her eyes at the recollection, and she smiled through them. "And this baby…it is a part of me, isn't it?"
"And of Jackson too."
She nodded her head softly. "I guess until this morning the pregnancy didn't feel…real. It's like…I didn't feel connected to the baby." Her eyes averting to the sonogram, she shrugged. "I don't know. It's hard to put into words."
"Maybe you can put it in a song, no?"
Her smile returned. "Maybe."
"We couldn't afford an ultrasound when your mother was expecting you," Lorenzo went on, his voice distant now, introspective, and Ally looked up. "It wasn't routine then and the doctor didn't think your mother needed one." His smile was sad as he spoke. "We didn't get to see you until you were born. Maybe if we had, it would have been different."
"I don't think so," Ally said, quite categorically.
"Look how you've bonded with the baby already," Lorenzo argued. "It's already different for you. I can tell." He sighed. "Your mother, she wasn't strong like you are. There were days she didn't get out of bed – and that's before she was expecting you. I'd go to work in the morning and come back in the evening and she hadn't moved."
Ally frowned. "You mean, she was already depressed before I was born?"
Lorenzo flicked his gaze away. "I guess so. I mean, we didn't know that at the time. It was just…the way she was. We didn't know about mental illness then, we didn't understand it, not like we do now. It wasn't spoken about either. It was something you were ashamed of and kept secret." He paused. "Her condition didn't worsen until after you were born – and then they called it postpartum depression. They said it was the hormones, you know, making her feel tired, making her feel low. They said to wait, that it would all go back to normal in time. Except—"
"It never did," she finished for him when he faltered.
He gave a slow nod. "It just gradually got worse and worse, until she became psychotic and the woman you remember. I tried helping her but…"
"I know you did," Ally said, reaching for his hand and giving it a warm squeeze when he became emotional. "I know you did. I remember what it was like – what she was like. I'm sorry I'm bringing all this pain back for you. I know it isn't your fault she left."
Lorenzo smiled sadly. "And it isn't yours either."
Ally gave a grudging nod. "You said—" Pausing, she took a breath. "The other night, when we came home for dinner and you showed Jack the picture album."
Nodding, Lorenzo looked away.
"You said that—that there was a lot I didn't know about her. What did you mean by that?"
"It doesn't matter," Lorenzo tried, forcing a smile. "It all happened a long time ago now. I shouldn't have said anything."
Ally swallowed. "Dad? Please, talk to me, I need to know. I need to know the truth."
Lorenzo didn't answer for a long moment, but when he did his voice was quiet and pained. "You know how she...she had a few stays at the psychiatric hospital, right?"
Frowning, Ally gave a nod.
Lorenzo sighed. "It was because of the pills she took."
"The pills? You mean, her medication."
He nodded. "Sometimes, she didn't take it at all. But other times, she took too much."
"She overdosed?"
With a hard swallow, Lorenzo nodded his head. "I don't think she meant to but..." He let his words trail, and right then she was too stunned for words to be of any comfort to him. "I'm sorry, sweetie," he went on, tearing up, and she glanced up, "For never telling you the truth. It's just...you were so young when it happened and then...time passed and—"
"It's okay, Dad. It's not your fault."
"Your mother, she didn't know what she was doing."
"It's okay," she repeated numbly.
Mustering a smile, Lorenzo draped his arm around her shoulders and she leaned her head against him. "You're so strong," he said again, tugging her to him. "So much stronger than me, or your mother ever was."
She thought back to Dr Stanislas asking if her mother's history of depression dated from before she was born, and she wondered now whether the fact that it did was an important factor. Charlie wandered in, had a drink of water from his bowl, then jumped up onto the couch and nestled in her side. She lowered her hand to him and automatically began stroking his shaggy fur, making a mental note of the fact that it needed brushing.
"I wonder what she's doing now," she mused. "Mom, I mean. Do you think she thinks of us?"
Surprise registered on Lorenzo's face. "I'm sure she does, sweetie."
Ally pondered that for a while. "Do you think she got better after all these years?"
"I don't know," Lorenzo replied after some consideration. "But I really hope so. I really hope she did. No one deserves to be unhappy like your mother was." He paused. "Did…did you ask your doctor about it? I mean, for you?"
"I did, yeah."
"And what did she say?"
"She doesn't believe that postpartum depression is inherited, but rather that the cycle can repeat because unconsciously I could be copying her behaviour." She frowned. "I think that's what she said anyway."
"I know what to look out for," Lorenzo said, "and believe me when I say I'm going to watch you like a hawk."
Ally scoffed. "That's what Jack said."
"What happened to your mother won't happen to you, Ally. Your mother, she was alone."
"She had you. And me," she added, somewhat sadly. "We just weren't enough."
"She was sick. Sicker than anyone knew for a long time. But having you didn't make her sick. You know that, right? It was just…what brought it all to the surface. And that's the God's honest truth, Ally."
Ally gave a nod, then closed her eyes. Tightening his hold on her shoulders, Lorenzo pressed a kiss to her forehead, and she snuggled up closer to him. It reminded her of the times after her mother had left and they'd turned to each other for comfort. Lorenzo was right; she wasn't her mother and their situations were very different. Jack had suggested they tracked her down, and the more she thought about it now the more she thought they should. It would be painful, but it would give her, and her father, the closure they'd never had.
"So," Lorenzo went on, his tone light once again, "how long until we know for sure you're expecting a boy?"