Little Tragedies, Issue 21
Author's Foreword:
Issue 21 people! Enjoy! I will also be posting a new series in like 3-4 hours!
I wish I had some sort of a little something ready for Halloween in the spirit of they day but hey, it's all good!
You kids get out there and get lots of candy from people! I was actually thinking of putting on my nursing uniform and give out candy saying this:
"Who wants diabetes?"
Don't judge me! That's the least scary thing I could come up with!
I guess it is a good thing that I didn't go trick or treating because of some health issues I have been having but oh well, whatever! XD
I am actually hoping to meet up with a friend who really doesn't need to dress up or anything because she can just go as herself XD and I am also hoping to see the Halloween Walk of Shame!
Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)
After having Rumble and Frenzy, Tracks and Soundwave decided to buy a new car. Tracks:
"So, what safety features does this car have?"
Swindle:
"One second please, let me double check."
A few seconds later:
"It has 2 condoms under the driver's seat."
Since Tracks and Soundwave decided to get a new car because of Rumble and Frenzy, Soundwave decided to sell his Mechcedes and so he posted a little note with his cell phone on the back of the car.
One day, driving in a traffic jam, a cell phone rings. Soundwave:
"Hello?"
"Hey, are you selling your Mechcedes?"
"Affirmative."
"Want 1000 dollars for it?"
"1000 dollars? This is a new Mechcedes! Barely rode 100 km on this car!"
"All right, fine, 1200 it is then."
"Inquiry: who do you think you are?"
"I am the guy who is driving right behind you in a very old van. If you don't sell me the car for 1200, I will ram it in."
And the guy hangs up. Soundwave looks back and sees Thundercracker driving the old van. Cell phone rings. Soundwave:
"Hello?"
"Hey, did the guy from the van call you?"
"Affirmative."
"How much did he propose?"
"1200 dollars."
"Eh, well, sell it to me for 500 dollars. Consider this when you make your decision – I am the guy to your left in a truck."
During a snowball fight. Sentinel, hiding:
"Optimus! Is that you?"
"Ya."
"Be careful! Blitzwing is somewhere close by!"
"Yavol! Ya!"
The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)
At a gas stop. Bumblebee:
"Rodimus! The price for one liter of gas is higher today!"
Rodimus:
"All right, then give me 50 liters of yesterday's gas."
Optimus calls Arcee:
"Arcee! Are you driving home?"
"Yes."
"Are you taking the highway?"
"Yes."
"Be careful! On the news they said that some moron is driving in the oncoming traffic lane!"
"I know! There are hundreds of them!"
Optimus:
"Arcee is like a lightning bolt when driving!"
Iron Hide:
"What? Drives really fast?"
"No, hits the trees."
Arcee is stuck in the middle of nowhere and she is trying to get a ride from someone. Hot Rod stops the car:
"Hey, Arcee, where are you headed?"
"Iacon."
"Oh! Great! Me too! Let's see who gets there faster! Three, two , one, go!"
Hound, in his notes about Earth:
"If you ask any driver, they will say that they are the only good driver on the road and the rest are morons and idiots. Everybody else says the same thing."
Prowl stops a car going 20 km/h, the windows slide down and he sees Alpha Trion and Kup, optics wide open, breathing heavily. Alpha Trion is driving. Prowl:
"Guys, what are you doing?"
Alpha Trion:
"Nothing, officer! No problem here! We are obeying the speed limit!"
Prowl looks at where he was pointing:
"Oh, that's just the number of the road! The speed limit is 60! Hold on, what happened to you guys?"
"We just got off Road 270."
Hound, in his notes about Earth:
"Toyota, drive your dreams. Vaz-2101, drive whatever the hell you got."
Prowl stops a car. Prowl:
"Sir …"
Hot Rod:
"Why are you calling me sir?"
"Because you are driving on the left side of the road!"
A bus left the bus stop, Springer runs with the bus trying to get inside. Arcee looks at that process for a few seconds and yells to Springer:
"I am peeing myself from laughter!"
Springer:
"You will crap yourself too once you find out that I am the driver of this bus …"
Tracks:
"Am I beautiful?"
Hot Rod:
"Yes."
"How about now?"
"Yes."
"And like this?"
"Yes! Tracks! You are beautiful! Fabulous even! Just give me my driving license back!"
Prowl and Blitzwing, guarding the border, see Swindle biking with a huge bag of "Malboro" cigarettes. Blitzwing:
"We should stop him!"
"No, he has the right. It's for himself, he is not going to sell those."
"Hm, all right."
On the next day, they see Swindle biking again. Blitzwing:
"We should stop him!"
"No, he is stacking up! Let him be."
"Fine."
This goes on for whole 2 months. Finally both approach Swindle. Prowl:
"Swindle, we are a little irritated to see you here everyday, so how about we help you transport all your stuff and be done with it. We won't care much for it anyway."
Swindle:
"Oh, no, don't worry, I already got all the bikes to the other side."
Hot Rod, so that his car won't be stolen, left a little note on the windshield:
"The accelerator is gone, the engine doesn't work."
On the next day he wakes up and in the place of his car sees a note:
"Then why do you need wheels?"
Arcee is taking a test for her driving license. Both sit in the car when Alpha Trion says:
"All right, we are done here: you fail."
"Wait? What? How? We didn't even drive yet!"
"You sat in the back …"
Hound, in his notes about Earth:
"Whoever has ever been in a traffic jam never laughs at motorcycles."
Springer:
"… the tank speeds up to 80 km/h and then it loses control …"
Red Alert, scared:
"What then?"
"Nothing! You are in a tank! You are safe!"
Springer:
"Scattershot, why did you throw an acid grenade into the washroom?"
Scattershot, confused:
"I was just wondering if anybody was there …"
Shockwave, seeing if he could find anything useful in the human history of warfare:
"Why did the humans equip some of their bombs with parachutes?"
Swindle:
"So that people can take pictures and videos and post it all on Youtube."
Iron Hide, to Tracks:
"So, why did you join the army?"
"First of all, I want to protect Cybertron!"
"Great!"
"Second of all, the service will make me stronger!"
"Yes!"
"And most importantly, nobody asked me whether I wanted to or not …"
Ultra Magnus' mom:
"Write to me whenever you can! And write everything that's happening!"
Ultra Magnus:
"We are not allowed to do that, security purposes."
"All right then, when everything is good, write with blue ink, when everything is bad, write with red ink."
A few days later, a letter from Ultra Magnus:
"Everything is good, the only bad thing is that there is no red ink."
Rodimus:
"Huffer! Peel some potatoes!"
"You know, we have a special machine just for that!"
"Yes! And you are the latest model!"
Rodimus, interrogating a Decepticon from another planet:
"Comment tu t'apelle?"
"Je m'apelle Stingray."
Rodimus, hitting the prisoner:
"Comment tu t'apelle?"
"Je m'apelle Stingray!"
Rodimus, full out bitch slap:
"Comment tu t'apelle?"
"Je m'apelle Stingray!"
"Holy jeez! I am asking how many of you are there!"
A sign near the beginning of the road leading into Blitzwing's territory:
"Because of the lack of ammunition, no more warning shots will be fired."
A sign near the beginning of the road leading into Springer's territory:
"Because of laziness, we will be using landmines instead of guns …"
Warpath:
"Tanks – our armor is strong and we are fast!"
Seaspray:
"Submarines – deeper, deeper, deeper!"
Thundercracker:
"Fighter jets – higher, higher, higher!"
Onslaught:
"Anti-aircraft vehicles – if we don't fly, nobody does."
Shockwave:
"Onslaught! Where do you want to be posted?"
"In the command!"
"What are you, stupid?"
"Is that a requirement?"
Under The Degree (G1)
Prowl stops a car:
"Grimlock! Kup! You guys are going way over the limit! It is 60 km/h and you two were going 120!"
Grimlock, drunk:
"That's because there are two of us!"
Prowl picks up the phone. Prowl:
"Hello?"
Rodimus, drunk:
"Prowl! I got robbed!"
"What?"
"Yeah! Somebody stole the wheel from my car!"
"Uhuh, anything else?"
"Yes! Everything! Gas, the breaks, the radio, the stick, everything!"
"All right, I will enter it in the computer."
Five minutes later. Rodimus, drunk:
"Prowl! Sorry, my mistake, I sat in the backseat."
Intergalactic Olympiad. Racing competition.
Windcharger drives at 150 km/h, sees a sharp turn, drops his speed to 110 and keeps on going.
Blurr drives at 200 km/h, sees a sharp turn, drops his speed down to 180 and keeps on going.
Wheeljack, drunk, drives at 240 km/h, sees a sharp turn, speeds up to 300. Wheeljack, ramming through the barricades:
"WHO THE FUCK BUILT SHIT HERE?"
Prowl is trying to stop Kup, Hot Rod and Springer, drunk, all who are riding a motorcycle. Kup:
"Sorry! We can't take any more!"
Prowl wakes up Grimlock after a car accident. Grimlock, hungover:
"Me, Grimlock remember that Grimlock sat in car and realized three things. 1 – Grimlock drunk. 2 – Grimlock driving in oncoming traffic lane. 3 – Grimlock no have wheel."
Blitzwing, drunk, stops a drunk Rodimus. Blitzwing:
"Last name."
"Wha?"
"Name."
"Who?"
"Wha who- what are you, asian?"
Prowl is taking Hot Rod, Kup and Grimlock, all drunk, out of the crashed car. Prowl:
"Who was driving?"
Grimlock, drunk:
"We were all in the back seat!"
Hot Rod and Kup get in a car and Hot Rod begins speeding, 100, 120, 140, 160, 180, 200. Kup:
"Kid, you sure about this?"
Hot Rod, drunk:
"Yeah! I have a strong guardian angel!"
"Yeah, well, I am gonna get out."
"Ok."
Kup gets out and Hot Rod again speeds up, 140, 160, 180, 200, 220, 240. Suddenly, a voice from the back of the car:
"You know what, I think I will get off too …"
Kup:
"Hey, Rodimus, ya want some?"
"No, thanks, I am driving."
"Then why did you take your car?"
"I was afraid you would start drinking without me."
Blitzwing stops a car:
"All right, everything is good. You got your documents, licensing is good, not drunk, first aid kit, safety, everything is good! Hey, want a drink?"
Hot Rod:
"Hey! You are just going to give me a ticket for driving drunk!"
"What? No! Today is Police Day! Relax, man!"
"Oh, all right then."
And so Blitzwing and Hot Rod drink a few shots of vodka and Hot Rod leaves. Blitzwing over the radio:
"Hey, Prowl, remember those 100 dollars I owe you? Well, in just a few minutes Hot Rod will pass by, drunk …"
Kup, drunk:
"Your goals throughout life change. 20 – drive fast. 30 – drive safer. 50 – drive. 70 – I hope I get there alive …"
Winter, really freaking cold, Grimlock barges into the store. Grimlock, drunk:
"COLD!"
Comes up to the shop keep:
"Give Grimlock ice-cream!"
Winter, really freaking cold. Bumblebee and Cliffjumper are going home and see Grimlock with Kup standing on the corner, rubbing their hands together. Grimlock:
"Some cold vodka would be nice …"
Author's Notes
Hope you enjoyed it!
You know, I am on issue 46 and I am seeing an acute lack of drunk jokes, mostly aphorisms ... I SHALL REMEDY THAT!
Happy Halloween you crazy kids! Come on! Get out there even if you are not trick or treating! Make fun of people's costumes! It's all good fun!
By the way ...
I GOT THREE TRANSFORMERS COMIC BOOKS AND OMG THEY ARE SOOOO AWESOME OMG OMG OMG OMG! I STILL CAN'T STOP ROTFLOLING!