Chapter 19

"Starlingpaw, wake up – it's time for training!"

Starlingpaw raised her head from her nest. Bleary-eyed, she squinted as sunhigh light blazed through the apprentice's den of TigerClan. She trembled with a sigh, her mouth feeling foul and dry – her dreams had been troubled by dark images slashing and biting over a field of red.

"Starlingpaw!" called the voice again. "Get up, you lump. You're a TigerClan apprentice now!"

So it wasn't a dream, Starlingpaw thought resignedly. She wished it had been.

She picked herself up out of her nest, her body much bigger than that of a normal apprentice's. She grimaced as the roof of the den prickled at her back. The other apprentices were long gone – with a glance, Starlingpaw realized that none of them had slept well. There was blood in a nest that smelled like Dapplepaw, along with tufts of her mottled pelt.

Starlingpaw shivered – had Dapplepaw been punished by Mapleshade for fearing her trial?

"Starlingpaw!" came the voice again. Anger laced it now. "Now!"

Starlingpaw sighed and pushed her way out of the den and into the sunshine.

It was strange waking up from this part of the camp – everything seemed so different at this angle. Just across from her was the elder's den, and just next to the apprentice's den was the warrior's den. The leader's den, the hollow log, along with the willow prison, was at the back end of the camp.

Starlingpaw glanced at the prison, feeling the ground lurch beneath her paws. She could see the fluffy tuft of Squirrelflight's tail just inside, alone in the dark. Starlingpaw's heart ached for her friend. I hope you don't think I abandoned you on purpose…

I didn't want this.

"Good; you're awake," sighed the warrior who had woken her. It was Rowanclaw, whose slimmer, smaller build betrayed his ShadowClan origins. "Hawkstar was looking for you – meet him by his den. Best get going – and don't sleep in until sunhigh next time."

Starlingpaw let out an awkward murmur of assent, and Rowanclaw headed off towards the entrance of the camp.

As Starlingpaw crossed the clearing, she could feel the awkward looks she was getting from the TigerClan cats. They didn't seem to know how to behave around her now that she was an actual TigerClan cat and not a prisoner. Some threw her looks of venom, others confusion.

There didn't seem to be any cat happy to see her except Applenose – the young apprentice had received her warrior name just before the trial ended alongside her brother Toadpelt and their denmate Ivydapple. Only Applenose gave Starlingpaw a nod, gratitude gleaming in her eyes.

Mapleshade would have killed you, Starlingpaw thought, nodding back. I couldn't have let it happen.

Applenose flicked her whiskers and turned over to lick her side. She was in camp today, recovering from the wounds Mapleshade gave her. Toadpelt and Ivydappled hadn't been so lucky, apparently – they weren't anywhere in camp that Starlingpaw could see.

Hawkstar is waiting – no time to dawdle, Starlingpaw thought.

She continued on, stopping just before the hollow log where Hawkstar made his den. The big tabby was lying just outside, giving himself a late-morning wash. Remains of fresh-kill lay at his paws, and looking at it made Starlingpaw realized just how hungry she was.

Her stomach growled, and Hawkstar flicked his ear.

Hawkstar looked up from his wash. "There you are," he purred. "Next time, I expect you to be punctual."

"I'm sorry," Starlingpaw rasped. The words were stuck in her throat.

"Come, no time to waste," Hawkstar meowed. He stood up, shaking out his thick tabby coat. "No doubt you're looking forward to getting out of the camp!"

Starlingpaw said nothing as she followed him across the clearing. The warriors who weren't hunting, patrolling, or training nudge one another and gave her funny looks as she followed after Hawkstar. When she was pushing through the entrance, she was grateful that their eyes couldn't see her anymore.

Out in TigerClan territory the air was clearer. A pale sky looked down at them, with a few clouds drifting within. Sunlight warmed the earth as Starlingpaw and Hawkstar made their way down the slope and to the lake.

The lake was a sheet of still water, reflecting the sky with perfection. Starlingpaw paused at the sandy, stony, shore and took it in, reveling in its beauty.

"A still day," Hawkstar decided, sniffing the air. "Perfect for fishing."

"Fishing?" Starling repeated. Her whiskers twitched. "I don't know how to fish."

"You're learning," Hawkstar pointed out. "Come."

Hawkstar led the way to the very shore of the lake. Here the water touched Starlingpaw's paws. She dabbed at it, confused, watching the ripples spread across its still surface.

"Stop that," Hawkstar hissed. "You'll scare off the prey."

Starlingpaw put her paw back. She fidgeted nervously.

"What is it?" Hawkstar demanded. "Scared?"

Starlingpaw whipped her head towards Hawkstar. She curled her lip and growled, "I'm not used to water, that's all!" Her pelt fluffed as she recalled the endless beating of waves against a stony cliffside, each wave more powerful than the last. Pushing, pulling, sucking, threatening to put out all your lights. Starlingpaw shivered.

"TigerClan cats swim and fish," Hawkstar said pointedly. "You might as well start getting used to it."

Starlingpaw looked away from him, frowning.

"Fine," she grunted. "How do I fish?"

"I want you to position yourself so that your shadow doesn't fall over the water," Hawkstar told her.

Starlingpaw did so – it was surprisingly difficult. Her shadow was small, thanks to the sun being just overhead, but she had to maneuver in such a way that what was there wouldn't land on the water. When she was satisfied, she was facing towards Hawkstar, her side pointed towards the water.

"Now what?" she asked.

"Keep both eyes on the water," Hawkstar told her.

"The sun's glaring off of it!" Starlingpaw complained. She squinted. "I can hardly see a thing!"

"Look harder!" Hawkstar grunted. "Look at the depths, not the surface!"

Starlingpaw's neck fur rose, but she obeyed. Focusing on the darker depths put the shimmering surface out of her view. She could spot little flurries of fish flitting by.

"When you see a fish get near the surface, hook it up with your claws. Make sure you get it to land on the shore and not back in the water," Hawkstar instructed.

I'd like to hook something with my claws, alright, Starlingpaw thought, unsheathing her claws.

She focused on the water instead. For each fish that flitted past had Hawkstar's face her claws itched to reach out and grab them. Only a few got anywhere close to the surface, but Starlingpaw felt that if she put her paws in without knowing the true depth of the water, she might fall in. The thought made her tremble more.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, a fish exploded near the surface. Starlingpaw let out a cry and scrambled after it with her claws, but all she caught was lakewater. Her entire front soaked, she pulled herself out of the lake, tail lashing.

"Graceful," Hawkstar chuckled.

Starlingpaw's entire spine bristled.

"OK, OK," Hawkstar sighed. "Try again."

Starlingpaw did – but her second attempt was no better than her first. Nor was her third. Or fourth. Soaked to the bone, by the fifth attempt Starlingpaw realized that she would have better luck rolling in the water on her back than trying with her claws. The ground all around her paws was muddied by her attempts, slick and stinky.

"Try again," Hawkstar said. He looked bored.

"What, so you can laugh at me more?" Starlingpaw hissed. "Have you ever even trained an apprentice?"

It was Hawkstar's turn to fluff his fur.

"It's not my fault you're afraid of water!" Hawkstar spat.

Starlingpaw whirled on him, claws flashing. Hawkstar dodged her blow, tail fluffed. Starlingpaw retracted her paw, leaping back as she suddenly realized what she had done.

Breathless, she sputtered, "I'm sorry, I -"

A hind paw slipped in the muddied shore, and suddenly Starlingpaw was thrashing about in the lake.

Water sloshed in her ears, filling her mouth and getting in her eyes. Starlingpaw let out a gurgling cry, paws thrashing to get a hold on the waves. Her fur felt like a solid boulder, and she could feel the depths reaching up to pull her head under. There was no ground beneath her paws – the drop had been steep.

Suddenly, teeth were in her scruff. Starlingpaw went limp as Hawkstar's powerful paws churned through the lakewater. Confidently, he pulled her up onto the shore. His paws worked her sides, pushing out any of the water Starlingpaw had swallowed – she retched and vomited onto the mud.

Coughing, Starlingpaw trembled on the shore.

Hawkstar let out a hiss, "What is wrong with you?"

Starlingpaw struggled to her paws, but she fell back onto the mud. Cold leeched into her bones, and she coughed.

"I'm sorry I never learned to swim!" she rasped. "I'm sorry I don't have the patience for fishing!"

Hawkstar lashed his tail. "You'll make the patience, and you will learn to swim!" he snarled. "Get up – you're bringing back fresh-kill for this Clan or you'll get none yourself!"

Starlingpaw pushed herself to her paws. She glared at Hawkstar, at the lakewater, at the mud. She lashed her tail and spat, "I never wanted this!"

Hawkstar flattened his ears.

"I never wanted to be a TigerClan apprentice!" Starlingpaw snapped. "I just wanted to go home!"

"Well you're an apprentice now!" Hawkstar snarled. "Get used to it!"

Starlingpaw shook out her coat and began walking away.

"Where are you going?" Hawkstar demanded.

"To catch prey for your Clan," Starlingpaw threw over her shoulder.

"The only prey you're catching today is fish!" Hawkstar snapped.

Starlingpaw looked over her shoulder. She could see the fire in his icy eyes. Puffing out her tail, she growled, "Make me."

Hawkstar let out a screech of fury and launched himself at Starlingpaw. Though her fur was heavy with water, Starlingpaw was able to dodge him easily, leaping ahead and turning on her paws. Hawkstar lashed out with long, hooked talons, but Starlingpaw slipped to one side.

He kept her on the defensive, pushing her further and further up the slope. Hawkstar was growing more and more furious that she was dodging his blows, his claws slashing through the air recklessly. Starlingpaw backed herself up the slope a few more lengths before she made a great leap and sailed through the air over Hawkstar's head.

She landed hard on her paws behind him. She felt Hawkstar's teeth clench her tail as the landing reverberated through her body. Starlingpaw hissed in fury and turned, slashing at Hawkstar with her claws.

Hawkstar let go of her tail and slammed into her, pushing Starlingpaw off of her paws and onto her back. The two rolled down the slope towards the shore, pulling clumps of fur out of each other as they rotated positions. Hawkstar had the advantage of being bigger and stronger than her – when Starlingpaw was on top he pushed her off with his hind paws.

Starlingpaw landed in the dirt, coughing.

"Fine then," she spat. "Finish me."

Hawkstar approached. Starlingpaw looked up at him, eyes burning.

"You're a good fighter, Starlingpaw," Hawkstar meowed. "I wasn't kidding when I said you'd make a good TigerClan warrior - but you still have a lot to learn before you earn your warrior name."

Starlingpaw narrowed her eyes.

"I don't know where you came from, but you're part of TigerClan now," Hawkstar growled. "You're my apprentice. You'll do as I say – now get up and fish."

Starlingpaw pushed herself up. To her shock, Hawkstar lent her a helping shoulder.

"I know you didn't want to be a TigerClan cat," Hawkstar grunted. "But it's your lot now. Embrace it and become stronger, or die like a coward; it's your choice."

When Starlingpaw was on her paws, Hawkstar pushed away from her. He padded towards the shore, and then threw over his shoulder, "If you still wish to leave TigerClan when you receive your warrior name, so be it – I will let you go."

Starlingpaw swallowed.

"Until then, you are my apprentice, and you will do as I say," Hawkstar growled. "Now come on and fish."

"Why not just kill me?" Starlingpaw wondered. "Why let me live for striking you?"

"Not many cats are brave enough to strike me," Hawkstar admitted. He shrugged his shoulders. "I suppose Clanborn cats respect their leaders too much to try and hurt them when they do something they disagree with.

"I like that about you, Starling," Hawkstar meowed. He didn't look at her. "You're not afraid of me."

Hawkstar settled himself beside the water. Starlingpaw sighed and settled herself next to him, a bit of distance between them both. Starlingpaw kept her shadow off the water as she looked for fish.

"Why are you afraid of water?" Hawkstar wondered.

"Why do you care?" Starlingpaw asked.

"Knowing your fears and learning to face them makes a warrior stronger in battle," Hawkstar told her. "It's my job to make you a warrior."

Starlingpaw sighed. She kept her eyes on the water as she went on, "I traveled a lot before I ended up here. I came to a place where the sun was swallowed by endless waves of water."

"The sun-drown-place?" Hawkstar mewed.

"Yes, that's what Squirrelflight called it," Starlingpaw meowed, nodding. She went on, "I began thinking that if the sun – the thing that gives us light and life – can be swallowed by water, it must be more powerful than any cat realized. I watched it eat the cliffs for a time. I watched it swallow sand and tree and rock. It was… terrifying."

Hawkstar was silent.

"I stayed there for a time, before I wandered here. I never got too close – I didn't want to get sucked in," Starlingpaw admitted. She said nothing of the beast she had met on those salty cliffs, nor the nights she'd spent in the cave with the sound of waves pounding every night. "Since then, whenever I've seen water I just… think about it. How awful it would be to be swallowed and forgotten. When you drown you don't rise again like the sun, you know?"

A fish splashed near the surface. Starlingpaw's paw flashed, and she hooked the fish out of the water. It landed on the shore, and she planted her claws into its spine quickly.

"You just disappear," Starlingpaw told Hawkstar. "You sink to the bottom, and eventually the water just eats you away."

Starlingpaw stared at her catch as it twitched, the last vestiges of its life flowing out onto the sand.

"I don't want that to happen to me."