Sometimes it's Hard
After nearly two days of no one leaving the hospital Jane decides it's time to convince Addi to leave; to go home, shower, get some rest, to eat something, to do anything other than just sit because they've all spent enough time feeling helpless and hopeless.
"Addi, baby, it's time."
Addi looks up at her Mama. She is sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest, chewing on her thumb nail, rocking gently back and forth on the rickety old chair in the Intensive Care Unit waiting room. Her eyes have become accustomed to the dim, flickering fluorescent light and the dingy purple carpet; but when she looks up quickly a sharp pain shoots through her temple. She doesn't notice the hospital smell anymore and the incessant beeping sounds coming from all around her don't even register in her mind; fading into the ambient sounds that are muted by the sound of her own thoughts.
"Addison," Jane kneels in front of her making it so the only place to look is at her face, "let Nonna take you home, let her cook you some real food. Sleep in your own bed."
"I'm not going anywhere until he wakes up."
Jane knows that biologically speaking Addison is not hers, and that Frankie wasn't right, but when she looks into her daughter's eyes she can't help but think there may be a little bit of Rizzoli in her somewhere after all. The stubbornness in her set jaw and pursed lips mimics Jane's and she sighs, running a hand down the back of her neck.
Addi looks at Jane the same way Jane looked at Maura seven years ago in this same hospital; when Wendell Miller came around the first time. Jane spent nearly every second at the hospital waiting for Addi to wake up, waiting for her to recover, waiting to take her home. She understands everything her little girl is feeling. She understands all of it but wishes she didn't have to.
"Okay, I'll just tell her to bring some clean clothes and maybe some books or cards or something. I don't know about you but I'm going a little stir crazy in this place."
Oliver's condition hasn't progressed, not really, but it hasn't regressed either and that is at least something to be thankful for. Maura has barely left the tiny leather bench beside Oliver's bed, determined to be the first face he sees when he opens his eyes. The doctors aren't sure why he isn't waking up but they have taken him off the ventilator and he is breathing on his own, his vitals are steady, his blood oxygen levels are almost back to normal, and he is expected to wake up any time now; so all that's left to do is wait, and wait, and wait.
"Come on kid talk to me. You've barely said three words to me."
Tears sting Addi's eyes. She hasn't stopped thinking about all the stuff Miller said to her, all the truths she had repressed for so long. They've overtaken her entire body; her muscles, her bones, her breath. Every movement both voluntary and involuntary has been consumed once again by this man; he's controlling her even now after his death. She clenches her fist but Jane places her warm steady hand over it and feels it relax again.
"What is there to say?"
"How about you start with how your head feels and then go from there?"
"My head's fine. I have a little headache but it's nothing," She waves Jane off when she tries to lean in to check her pupils, "It's nothing compared to what Oliver is dealing with."
"That's no way to measure pain. Just because you're brother was hurt worse doesn't mean that you go unnoticed or that you're suddenly unimportant."
"That's not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean?"
"I meant that I can deal with my concussion, and the stupid cut on my neck, and the bruises. But I can only do that if he can deal with his stuff; I can't lose him Mama, and I can't be the reason that you lose him."
Her voice cracks but her expression remains stony and cold.
"Oh baby, you're not going to, okay? No one is going to lose him."
"You can't promise that. Not even the doctors can promise that. What if he doesn't wake up? Or what if he does and he hates me because I got him stabbed?"
Jane takes the empty chair next to Addi and pulls her daughter into her side, squeezing her tight.
"Your brother could never hate you. He loves you more than anything in this world and I've seen that first hand."
Addi shifts to get more comfortable, letting Jane hold her for the first time in days, breathing a heavy sigh at her comforting words.
"I see it in the way he is patient and kind with you, the way he stayed by your side when you had the chicken pox, or when he helped us welcome you into our home. Oliver loves you so much and I know that he would do it all over again if it meant that you were safe. That's the kind of guy he is. He doesn't hate you."
"Maybe not but Mom does."
"What?"
"She's barely looked at me since all of this happened. She hasn't said anything to me since that day and I don't blame her. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me too. I got your son stabbed. I almost killed him."
Jane's heartrate increases, she feels her cheeks redden, her own fists clench this time. When she pulls away she is met with the same complacent look on Addi's face, as if the words aren't affecting her, but she can tell they are ripping her apart from the inside out.
"That is absolutely untrue. No one hates you and nobody blames you, Addison. The only person at fault here is Wendell Miller, do you understand me?"
Addi doesn't react.
"Mom doesn't blame you sweetheart, there's no way she could ever do that. She's just scared and she's sad and confused. That's not a way that you see her that often so I think you may have just misconstrued those emotions for anger; but if she is angry it isn't at you." Jane shakes her head and kisses Addison's cheek, "This is not your fault. I'll say it a million times if that's what it takes for you to understand. It isn't your fault."
"It is my fault."
Somehow when Addi says it again, it sounds more matter of fact, it sounds flatter, meaner, and more deliberate.
"Wendell Miller targeted my mom and dad. Him coming into our house, knowing all about us, it's all my fault. I told him all about my family and he used that information to get into our house and kill them."
Jane sits up straighter, a defensive posture. A chill runs down her spine.
"I told him all about the bad stuff they used to do; the cheating, the drinking, the pills, all of it. He was deluded and strange but I didn't know any better. I was seven." Tears drip down her cheeks and her whole body vibrates with the words that have been stewing inside of her for days, "I just wanted a friend."
"Addi, baby, what are you talking about?"
Jane is trying her best to follow along but up until this point she had never heard anything about this. Up until this point she was under the impression that Addison's biological parents were good people.
"I knew Wendell Miller before he came into my house that night."
"Jane." Maura's raspy, tired voice startles both of them.
They turn around and it's the first glimpse of Maura that Addi has seen in at least a day. Her eyes are sunken in, her hair is pulled up into a messy ponytail and her clothes are a wrinkled mess. Jane is torn, she doesn't want to take her attention off of Addi for a second, not after the news she just shared, but if Oliver is in trouble she needs to be there too.
Her nerves feel like they could explode inside her and she could keel over and die at any second. Adrenaline hasn't stopped coursing through her veins since she kicked open Addi's bedroom door to find Wendell Miller inside. She hasn't had a moment to think about herself and she is thankful because if she had she would notice how exhausted and devastated she is. She would be useless to everyone around her; her family who needs her so badly right now.
"Jane?"
"Yeah Maura, what's going on?"
"He's awake."
"What?" Jane and Addi ask at the same time.
"He's awake and he's asking for you."
Addi's eyes are still leaking tears when they widen at her mother's words. Relief washes over her and she sinks her shoulders, feeling only slightly less scared. She watches her Mama get up and start to leave, thinking that she hadn't heard what she said or that she's already forgotten. Until she turns around and walks back to Addi, she wraps her in a tight hug and kisses her temple.
"I'll be back, you stay right here and we'll talk more. Got it?"
She just nods. She isn't sure if Jane is upset with her or if she's scared for her or if she is going to send her away, scared that she will do something like this again to their family. She sits in the waiting room alone, no one is coming in or out which seems strange in such a big hospital. She watches one of the nurses at the nurses' station answer a phone call. A smile pulls across her face while she speaks and then writes something down. She's young, probably right out of nursing school, and gorgeous. She looks like she could be on one of those doctor shows that Jane and Maura don't like her watching; Jane because of all the sex and Maura because apparently they are wildly inaccurate. She wonders if she's one of Oliver's nurses. She hopes so because she has a kind smile and Oliver's deserves someone with a kind smile and a gentle voice.
She feels her eyes start to drift closed until a heavy hand sits on her shoulder. She jumps up from her chair and turns to see her Uncle Frankie.
"Wow, kid, it's me. Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He puts his hands up in surrender, "Nonna told me to bring these to you and your moms. Where are they anyway?"
"Ollie just woke up." She grabs the bag of clothes and other items from his hand and sits back down.
"You don't sound so excited about that." He sits down next to her.
"Of course I am. I'm just, uh," She sighs and kicks her sneaker against the carpet.
"You're scared."
She looks into his eyes. He's always understood her. He accepted her into the family right away and never made her feel like the adopted one. She's happy he's the one that came instead of Angela. No matter how much she loves her grandmother she is always a little too much for her; too loud, too emotional, too touchy-feely. Frankie is more like Jane and she's thankful for him, especially in this moment.
"Yeah. Nothing is going to be the same ever again."
"What do you mean?"
"Before, when it was just me who had to deal with everything Wendell Miller left behind it was fine. I could deal with it on my own, but now I'm the reason Ollie got stabbed. I'm the reason he came into our house, the reason he broke out of jail, it's all because of me. Mom and Mama are always going to know that. It's always going to be in the back of their minds even if they don't say it out loud."
"They don't blame you for this."
"Will everyone stop saying that? Everyone should blame me. It's my fault, alright? It is. I know that. You know that. Mom and Mama know that." Her voice is getting louder, "If they're going to send me away or if they're going to check me into a mental hospital or whatever they're going to do, they might as well just do it now. Why pretend like what happened wasn't because of me? What's the point of that?"
"Kid, I think that you're blaming yourself, so you think everyone else does. You can't see that everyone else is just scared for you. We always have been."
"I don't want anyone to be scared for me. I just want everyone to admit that they blame me, it would make me feel better."
"How would that make anyone feel better?"
Addi decides to keep her mouth shut. She leans back in her chair and crosses her arms. Frankie wants to ask again but judging by the look on her face it's clear she's done. He sits with her in silence and waits for Jane to come back. It's another hour before she comes back. Her exhaustion is still evident on her face but she's smiling.
"Frankie, when did you get here?"
"A little while ago, Ma told me to bring you guys some clothes and then Addi told me that Ollie woke up so I decided to stick around. How is he?"
Addi's ears perk up waiting to hear her answer, wanting so badly to see her brother.
"He's good, he's alert and responsive. The doctors said that he could go home soon."
"When's soon?"
"A couple days," She sneaks a glance at Addi and continues, more for her daughter's peace of mind than Frankie's, "He looks good, really good."
"Does he remember what happened?"
"He said it's a little fuzzy but he does for the most part."
"Can I see him now?" Addi's voice feels like it's coming from someone else.
She hasn't felt anything since Wendell attacked her; hunger, sadness, fear, anger, nothing. She hasn't been able to register anything other than the numbness that's consumed her. She's barely slept and she can't stop shaking. The only thing she wants is to see her brother.
"Not yet baby. Once he's moved from the ICU."
"No Mama," She stands and puts both hands on her hips, "I'm sick of hearing 'not now' and 'maybe later'. It's not fair. He's my brother and I deserve to see him."
"I know, Addison, but these aren't my rules, they're the hospital's rules. So until he's out of the ICU you can't go in. He's still prone to infection and he's very weak-"
"Fine whatever."
"I want you to go home with Uncle Frankie."
"I'm staying."
"No, you're going. You need to get some sleep and take a shower."
"I don't want to do any of that."
"I'm not asking."
They stand, squaring up, both glaring into each other's eyes, testing how far they can push the other one and based on both of their levels of sleep deprivation it won't be very far. Frankie doesn't want them to cause a scene in the waiting room so he takes Addi's elbow in his hand and pulls her toward him.
"Come on kid. We'll come back in the morning."
She tears her eyes away from her mother's. There's something she isn't telling her but she can't figure out what it is.
"I love you, baby."
She thinks about not saying it back. She almost doesn't but one blink, one flash of Oliver falling to the ground, and she knows she has to.
"I love you too."
Jane watches them leave. She waits until she can't see them on the other side of the glass doors anymore before walking back to Oliver's room. Maura looks up at her, a relieved expression still on her face. Oliver is asleep again, something he will be doing a lot of in the next few days according to the doctors.
"Where were you?"
Jane takes a seat next to her wife and lets her head fall into her hands. Maura's hand runs up her back, up to her neck and back down.
"I sent Addi home with Frankie."
"Oh."
"What else could I do? Oliver made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want to see her right now."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her the hospital has a rule against her coming in here."
"You lied." Maura's voice isn't accusatory, more sad than anything.
"I couldn't tell her the truth. She's one loose thread away from spiraling out of control, this would break her." Jane looks up at her wife through reddened eyes, "How the hell are we supposed to tell her that her brother hates her?"