Sorry for the delays with updates. I'm done with school now other than graduation practice and graduation next week, so maybe I'll get this story finished out by the end of June at the latest. It depends. Anyway, thanks for your patience!
Ziva had never been more terrified in her life. As someone who had practically dismissed the idea of ever having children, being in labor scared her. The contractions hurt and she was uncomfortable no matter how much she repositioned herself. At one point about five months into her pregnancy, she'd considered going to classes that were supposed to help you prepare for labor, but she had decided against it. As she laid in the hospital bed fighting to keep herself calm, however, she was second guessing that decision. The classes, of course, would have helped prepare her for labor, but that wasn't really what she was so afraid of. She dreaded what was to come after she actually had the baby, because she had absolutely no idea.
Did she let Tony sign away his rights to a child that she knew he wanted to keep? Would she wind up keeping her, and then she and Tony could try figuring out the rest from there? Would she let a wonderful and deserving couple adopt her child? She was still leaning toward letting the baby be adopted, but was that the best option? It had to be, right?
She didn't have much time left to decide. She was dilated five centimeters now, and her contractions had gotten a little closer together. She'd already been there for nearly six hours, and they would give her an epidural soon, which sometimes sped up the process. She was running out of time.
What if actually holding the baby made her think less clearly? Would she forget about the baby's best interest once she was holding her in her arms? Ziva felt like crying and screaming all at the same time, because there was no way in hell she was ready to make this decision. There were too many things to consider, too many details that could change everything.
She had thought that everything to figure out was settled, but all of a sudden, she didn't know anymore. Everything she thought she knew seemed different now, and her mind was fighting a battle with her heart that she wasn't sure either would win.
"Abby, what if I do not make the right choice?" Ziva asked quietly when Abby had once again sat down at the chair near the head of the bed. She still felt the lingering touch of Tony's lips on her forehead, and she did her best to hold back the shivers that wanted to rack her body.
"You will," Abby replied, putting a gentle hand on Ziva's arm. "I believe in you."
"That makes one of us," Ziva said bitterly, leaning her head back and staring at the ceiling. Tears stung her eyes, and she mentally cursed at herself. She was so tired of crying.
"I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but you should probably talk to Tony about this one more time." Abby's voice was firm but careful. "I know you guys have tried, but you haven't really been listening to him and he hasn't really been listening to you. But regardless of all, she's his daughter, too, Ziva. He deserves to know what you're thinking where all this is concerned."
Ziva closed her eyes, trying to will away the irritating burning sensation in them. "I know that, but what am I supposed to say?" Her voice came out a little sharp, and she shot Abby an apologetic look.
Abby shrugged it off, leveling her eyes at Ziva softly. "Why don't you just tell him the truth? Ziva, you want to keep this baby, too. Why is that so hard for you to admit?"
Ziva shrugged, knowing she was being stubborn. A tear slipped down her cheek, and she wiped at it angrily, swallowing past the knot in her throat. "Abby, Tony and I are... not... together. We cannot be parents. How would we make that work? Would one of us have to move in with the other, or would we just have to... to practically share her? I could take her one night, Tony another. What kind of life is that for a child, Abby? And Tony and I have done practically nothing but argue since this whole situation started, so what makes you think we can raise a baby correctly?"
"I don't know much about babies, but I'm pretty sure there's no way to raise them correctly, Ziva. It definitely isn't supposed to be easy." Abby put a hand on her arm. "And you're worried because you and Tony aren't together? I... I don't want to sound intrusive, but.. I mean, do you want to be?"
Ziva shot a look at Abby, her heart missing a beat. She looked away quickly, pursing her lips. "Well," she tried, but then just looked at Abby, feeling a bit defeated.
"You do," Abby pointed out, nodding almost as if to herself. "Well, why don't you tell him that, too?"
Ziva racked her brain in an attempt to articulate a response, but when words didn't form, Abby sighed and stood. "I can't help you if you aren't willing to help yourself, Ziva. I don't know what the actual problem here is, but whatever it is-"
"I am scared," Ziva interrupted, the words slipping out on their own accord. "Of everything. Of being a mother to a child that I do not know if I am ready for. Of messing up a relationship that does not even exist with someone I care about because we got ourselves into... all of this. Of disappointing the people that want me to have this baby. Of hurting the couple that wants to be able to have a baby of their own but cannot do so." Frustrated tears slipped down her cheeks, and she wiped them away before they could get very far. Her voice was rising, and she tried to take a deep breath. "No matter what I decide, someone is going to get hurt. And when all of this is over... I have to do what's best for her."
Abby pursed her lips, wrapping her arm halfway around Ziva's shoulders and giving her an almost awkward hug. Ziva felt a few more tears falling, but this time she didn't reach up to wipe them away. Instead, she leaned into Abby, seeking comfort that would be fleeting, gone in another moment. "Ziva, no. You have to stay calm, okay?" It took a few moments, but Ziva took enough slow breaths to calm her racing heart. Once she had done so, she tried to relax. "There you go," Abby murmured, looking sympathetic. "Look, I'm going to go get Tony, okay? You two really need to talk right now. No more tiptoeing around. No more making excuses to not tell each other the truth. No more pretending to listen when you really aren't. Talk to him, and listen to him. It's a two-way street."
Ziva nodded slowly, though the idea of talking to Tony at the time was not a pleasant one. Abby held her tight for another moment before standing and starting to leave. "You're going to make the right decision, Ziva," she told her just before she slipped out the door, and Ziva wiped under her eyes again, suddenly feeling like she desperately needed to sleep even though she knew the odds of that happening were slim.
A few moments later, Tony was walking back into the room, a coffee in his hand. He once again took a seat in the chair by the head of the bed, setting his coffee on the little table beside her. Even though she knew that she was tired, he looked tired, too. Not just physically, either. He was wearing the same emotional and mental exhaustion as she was. "Abby said you wanted to talk to me." His voice sounded tired, too.
"I think... " Ziva hesitated, trying to reign in the fear tormenting her. She needed to do this. "This is going to happen today. And... throughout all of this, we have hardly done anything but yell at each other and fight and... I think that it is time we just... be honest? But no matter what, I am tired of fighting with you."
"Me, too." Tony's eyebrows came together, but still he encouraged her. "I'm listening."
She took a breath, letting it out slowly. "You know I want to keep her, right? That I am just trying to do what is best for her?" she asked him, unable to meet his eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. His gaze was intense, and it made looking at him a difficult task.
After she asked that question, however, he looked away from her, and she waited as he seemed to struggle for a moment, his eyes shining in the light streaming in from the window. He blinked once, hard, and it was gone. Finally, still not looking back at her, he nodded. "Yeah, I know that, and I see where you're coming from, too, but..."
"But?" she prompted, trying to take Abby's advice. Trying to hear what he had to say.
"I think you've been looking at it the wrong way. I think that if you tried looking at... all of this differently, you might see it..." He trailed off, shrugging.
"Differently," she finished for him, sighing. "I do not know what to do. I do not know what is the right thing."
He looked back at her finally, and she saw a fear in his eyes that mirrored her own. "Me either. I know what I want, but... this isn't really about what I want."
Her heart tugged painfully, and her next words came out choked. "I do not want to hurt you."
He chuckled bitterly, shaking his head as if in disbelief. She wanted to say something, anything to take away the hurt on his face, but what was she supposed to say? A knock came from the door, and upon letting the visitor know they could come in, they saw that it was a nurse, there to give Ziva her epidural. Tony stepped out while they did so, and Ziva didn't take her eyes off of him until he was out of the room.
"This may make you move along a little faster," they told her, and she nodded absentmindedly at the information.
When Tony was able to come back in the room, he stood instead of sitting. Ziva felt her throat closing up, and she tried to swallow past the discomfort, but it didn't budge. The room was silent for the longest time as he stood there, a look of contemplation on his features. Finally, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I'll support whatever decision you make, but... I really do think we could do this."
She looked at the monitor that showed her contractions as she spoke, trying to keep her voice from shaking. "I... I really wish that I could tell you I will keep her, and that everything will work out well, but I... can't, Tony. I cannot guarantee anything, but giving her to someone else... that is a sure way to be certain she is always in a stable home. She would have everything she wants or needs, and... I am not sure I want to take a risk here."
The entire time she was speaking, Ziva had been looking anywhere but at Tony, and finally, she let her eyes travel back to him only to find that he was looking out of the window again. She followed his gaze to where a bright blue bird was sitting on a branch right outside. For some reason, it had captured his attention. She watched him closely, waiting for him to look over at her and say something. He was silent for a really long moment, and then finally, he nodded slowly. "Okay." His voice was low, defeated. It broke her heart.
That was all he said, and even if she had wanted to, Ziva honestly wasn't sure what she was supposed to say to stop him when he turned and walked out the door.