Ultra 64 follows Last Action Hero's example and goes in the movie with Viewtiful Joe!

ATUHOR'S NOSE: Probably one of the best beat-'em-ups of the last console generation, Viewtiful Joe comes to us from Capcom, also known as people who actually listen to their fans. Also, keep an eye out for the movie references.

Meet Joe Black.

Joe: Dude, you realize how bad that movie was?

In 2003, he took his girlfriend Silvia out to a movie. In particular, a superhero movie called Captain Blue.

Silvia: Frankly, Joe, I don't give a damn.

It turns out to be Captain Blue's last appearance in a movie, for he is defeated. BUT THEN! A huge black mecha hand reaches through the silver screen, like it was in 3D or something, grabs Silvia, and goes back into the screen. The red-and-white mecha Six Majin gets knocked out into the real world.

Joe: New special effects?

It turns out to be real, because Six Majin grabs Joe, and rushes to the screen, beginning the first level. Joe is dropped from a large height, and DOESN'T DIE, for some strange reason.

Joe: Am I inside the movie?

The ghost of Captain Blue shows up, and confirms Joe's guess that he is, in fact, inside the movie. He also gives Joe a neat watch. This watch is the V-Watch, a neat little device that activates his "hero instinct", whatever that is.

Joe beats up some thugs with his limited martial arts, and then fights the Captain, beats him, and then his V-Watch glows.

Captain Blue: Your hero instinct has awakened!

At which point Blue tells him how to activate his Hero mode. You know what Joe says?

Joe: HENSHIN A GO-GO, BABY!

With that, an epic transformation takes place, in which Joe turns into a fiery red superhero and gains the ability to slow down time like every video game character in existence.

The Prince of Persia: No, no, no, that's not quite right. Let's try that again.

Okay, fine: every OTHER video game character in existence. Happy now?

The Prince of Persia: yes, thank you.

You're welcome. Anyway, Joe gets the ability to slow down time, and with it takes a helicopter down.

Joe: Get out of the Choppa!

Then he goes underground wherein he finds Captain Blue's ghost again, this time ready to fight.

So Joe beats him again, this time getting the Mach Speed power, in which he runs really fast like a certain blue spiny rat of whom already appeared in Ultra 64, and with it fights a bat looking like David Bowie named Charles the Third.

Charles the Third: I do NOT look like David Bowie!

Joe: Yes you do.

Charles the Third: A-a-at any rate, this movie is over anyway! So what's this third rate superhero doing in MY lair?

Joe: Have you ever heard of a spiritual successor?

Joe dazzles Charles the Third with his new found powers and then the latter explodes, after which Joe ponders about a cool superhero name.

Joe: um… some like it Hot?

Nice try. Anyway, Joe gets shot out of the sewer system, and finds himself facing off against Captain Blue yet again, this time holding the secret to a brand new power. Joe defeats him, and gets the brand new power of which the function is Zoom In!

Joe: What, so we're in Art of Fighting now?

Mr. Big: Nah, fool. This powa lets ya zoom dat camera in tah deal moar damage. Betcha didn't see dat comin'. Ya can ahlso cahmbine two of dose powas to do moar stuff.

Mr. Big is correct. With a combination of Zoom and Slow, you launch a bus into the air, and head into the next bad guy's lair. After you go through a whole skyscraper of thugs first, of course.

So who is this next bad guy? Why, it's… a rhino with a motorcycle collection!

Hulk Davidson: I guess you found out that I'm the big cheese here, right?

Joe: not quite, ol' Movieland fogey.

Hulk Davidson: How'd you know this world is called Movieland?

Joe: Um… wild guess?

Joe's wild guess got him into a fight with Hulk Davidson. And explosive victory. Then Joe's new plane shows up. The plane is called Six Machine. Sound familiar?

Joe: YAHOOOOOOO!

Joe rides through the air in an old-school shooting segment, including a boss battle, and then gets shot down into an underwater shaft, wherein he fights a shark with a memory problem named Gran Bruce.

Gran Bruce: I'm going to chew you up and spit you out like… um… what's the word for that chewy thing, you stick it under tables, um…

Joe: Gum?

Gran Bruce: Yeah, that's it!

Despite Bruce's insistence that he's going to eat our hero, he explodes, which signifies Joe's triumph. He then hops into a submarine and faces off in a power generator… against himself.

Joe: (waves hand)

Mirror Joe: (waves hand in opposite direction)

Joe beats his mirror match and escapes the submarine before it explodes. Then he ends up in a lava-infested city at the end of which a castle lies, where in he fights a guy named Alastor.

Alastor: I'm the blade master! You can't defeat me!

Joe: Can you explain the plot for the viewers at home?

Alastor: Sure, I might as well do that. You see, in order to escape Movieland, the Jadow must have the DNA of the creator. But don't think you can stop us!

Joe fights Alastor in a battle, and beats him.

Alastor: Viewtiful!

Joe: What's that mean?

Alastor: Oh, love and honor, something like that. So what's your name?

Joe: hm… Viewtiful Joe!

After Joe showed off his improvisational skills, he then… faces off against the first four bosses AGAIN!

Viewtiful Joe: What is this, Mega Man X?

No, we did that one already. Anyway, after defeating his doppelganger again, he faces off against Fire Leo, the leader of the Magnificent Five, as well as a lashing from Silvia, if memory serves me correctly.

Silvia: Showoff!

VJ: Seriously, what?

Fire Leo: WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?

Joe defeats Fire Leo, but then Silvia gets kidnapped again. Joe rushes to Outer Space, in which no one can hear you scream, and faces off against – I bet you never saw this coming – Captain Blue!

Captain Blue: Silvia, I am your father.

Silvia: That's not true! That's impossible!

VJ: So, it was you!

Captain Blue: Yes, it's always the person you least expect to do crimes. Like the butler. Or the best friend. But enough talk. HAVE AT YOU!

They fight AGAIN. But this time, in giant robots! Joe's got Six Majin, and Blue's got… the mustachioed mech from the beginning of the game. Somehow, Joe pulls a victory out of his ass.

Captain Blue: Seriously, though, Silvia, I really am your father.

VJ: ooooookay…

Captain Blue then tells a story of how he was originally a famous movie director, but then was zapped into one of his own movies. Probably due to a freak thunderstorm. Suddenly, Aliens attack!

Captain Blue: We must strike down those aliens!

Silvia: Can I come with you?

Captain Blue: Sure, and here's a V-Watch I want to give ya.

Captain Blue gives Silvia a V-Watch, and then Joe, Silvia, and Blue attack the aliens…but you won't find out the results in this game, no sirree. Instead, you get a music video! HOLY SHIT, MAN!

VIEWTIFUL ENDING