Chapter Twenty-One

"Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present." –Meredith Grey

"Meredith…"

She stood at the door, seemingly frozen. She forced herself to inhale, then exhale, inhale then exhale. She could do this… For Lexie, she could absolutely do this.

"Hi," she managed to get one word out. "Hi, there."

And that was two more…

It was a start, a slow, plodding start, but a start nonetheless.

Her father was certainly surprised to see her… but also happy, she could tell. It wasn't in an over the top way. There was no big exclamation, no hurried gesture, welcoming her inside. But his expression brightened a little. He stood a bit taller as he leaned against the door. His sweater was rumpled, but at least his hair had been combed.

"I didn't expect to see you here." His voice was soft, but clear.

I didn't expect to be here…

Not ever again. She'd stopped over just once since Susan had died, that night when they'd stolen Lexie's belongings. And since the plane crash, she'd avoided this area all together.

"I'm sorry," Meredith hooked her thumb back towards the street. "I should have called, but I was just in the neighborhood."

It was a total lie and he probably knew it.

"Well I'm glad." He opened the door wider, a gentle smile playing across his face. "Why don't you come in?"

"Okay."

Meredith took a tentative step inside. He switched on a few more lights, scaring the shadows back into the corners. She'd expected some sort of mess, the world of someone who didn't bother anymore. But the living room at least, was neat and tidy. Shoes were lined up by the door. There weren't any stray food boxes lying around.

"The place looks good," she said quietly. "It looks… really nice."

"Thanks." He rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes darting around the house. He seemed a tad self-conscious. "Susan uh, she decorated. She did most of the decorating. I just keep it up, that's all."

Meredith nodded, moving farther into the room. The furniture had been carefully arranged to face the fireplace and a huge family portrait hung over the mantel. Susan, Thatcher, Lexie and Molly were all there, staring down at her. They'd been sitting outside in a field full of beautiful flowers, each of them grinning for the camera. Judging from their ages, the photo had been taken just a few short months before Susan had died.

That was over five years ago now. Lexie looked just like the intern who'd walked into her hospital, the one she still saw every night...

"So, Derek called." Thatcher stood in the middle of the room, not quite sure what to do with himself. He tucked his hands into his pockets, leaned to one side. "He said you were upset, you know, about the boxes…"

The shame was written all over his face.

He hadn't understood... It dawned on her as she tried to figure out some way to respond. She'd been so angry, so furious at him... but her father hadn't meant to hurt her. He'd never even considered how she might feel when Lexie's stuff disappeared. Besides, it wasn't like she'd protested back in the locker room.

"I wasn't upset," Meredith said softly. She was rewriting history, but it didn't seem to matter that much any more. "I just… I didn't know, that's all. It just caught me by surprise."

"Well I'm sorry about that," he mumbled. "That's on me. I should have made sure to talk to you first. And the locker, I should have talked to you about that too."

"No, it's okay."

"It's not." His voice began to pick up some strength. "She was your sister. She lived with you and you should've had some say in the matter."

"Maybe," she conceded his point, not wanting to argue. "But it's fine now."

He crossed his arms then shifted his weight again. Maybe he was just as nervous as she was. Maybe he was just as lost...

"I know you've been through a lot." He spoke haltingly, unsure of how to talk about this. "It wasn't just Lexie. I mean, she's, she's the one we lost. But you were there too and I can't imagine…" The words caught in his throat. He swallowed and his eyes grew shiny with tears. "I don't want to make things any worse for you, that's all. So you tell me, please tell me if there's something you need, or want, or don't want… like with the boxes. Please just tell me."

"Okay…"

She took a breath as her face grew warm. All those messy emotions were flooding right back again. Sadness... and guilt. So much guilt. She'd shut him out, this man who had lost half his family.

"Okay, I will. I'll try."

"Good." He sniffled a little. "That's good, thanks."

He wasn't a bad guy. That was the part that always surprised her. She'd spent so much of her childhood and plenty of her adulthood being angry at him, imagining what an awful person he must be. And then, when Susan had died, those feelings had immediately gone into overdrive. She'd watched him berate Lexie, watched him crumble under the pressure of his own grief. But, if she was being honest with herself, she understood that. Now… now she definitely understood it. He wasn't bad. He was simply weak. Where she had learned to run from her pain, to hide it if necessary, he had simply let himself drown.

"Are you alright?"

The question came out before she could stop herself. She hadn't planned to be so direct with him, but here they were, with the past staring them down.

"I mean, have you been…" she trailed off. The glass on the table had caught her eye earlier. "Have you been..."

"Have I been drinking?"

Meredith inwardly cringed as he finished up for her. But strangely enough, the question seemed to relax him. It was as if he'd been waiting for this to come up.

"No." He shook his head. He wanted so badly to be honest with her, to connect on some level. "I thought about it, believe me. When Molly was here, I had her check the entire house, the cabinets, the closets, everything."

His eyes followed the path Molly must have taken. His expression was full of frustration and regret.

"What Lexie went through after Susan…I can't do that to anyone ever again."

Meredith had a sneaking suspicion that he wanted to go back there, to talk about that time, to maybe apologize. But Meredith wasn't ready.

"Good." It was the only thing she could say at the moment. Why was it still so hard to talk to her father? "I mean it's good, that you... that you had her check."

He had noticed her struggle. Her discomfort must have been painfully obvious because he was watching her carefully. Every few seconds he would glance away, to pretend like he wasn't. But she knew. She could tell.

Meredith was so used to being the strong one in their relationship, but here she was stuck. This house… she could almost picture a Christmas tree in the corner, picture Lexie as a little kid unwrapping presents and playing with toys. She could see Susan taking prom photos, the whole family dancing around when her sister got accepted to college, then med school… She realized now that there were so many stories she'd never gotten to hear, so many questions she'd never had the chance to ask Lexie.

"Would you like to sit?" Thatcher indicated a chair. It appeared comfortable, inviting even. But Meredith didn't move.

"I actually…" she pressed her lips together, balled her shaking hands into fists. "I was actually searching for something, something of Lexie's."

"Ah," he seemed to understand. "Something that came back in one of the boxes…"

"Yeah." Meredith tucked her hair behind her ears. She didn't want to go into that room, to see it so sad and empty. But she knew that she had to.

"It's not for me," she said quickly. "It's for… someone else, someone else who's having a hard time."

Thatcher met her gaze, allowing that gentle smile to reappear. He wanted so badly to put her at ease.

"Well, let's see if we can find it then."

"Okay..." Meredith let out a breath.

Her father simply nodded.

"Okay."

He turned and started down the long hallway, happy to actually have some place to go and better yet, someone to follow him. But almost immediately, Meredith paused.

"Is that Lexie?"

Maybe she was attempting to postpone the inevitable, but the photos lining the wall had grabbed her attention. There was one in particular of an adorable, dark haired baby, grinning at the camera.

"Yeah, that's Lex." Her father's smile grew, but it was still bittersweet. "Susan was always putting their pictures up. Lexie got one side, Molly got the other."

"Wow..."

He was right. The hallway was like a timeline of their lives. Meredith finally started moving again, but her focus stayed on that wall to her left. The adorable baby ushered them out of the living room. Then came a dimpled toddler in a pretty blue dress, a kindergartener with a lunch box, a middle-schooler with a big, happy dog, a teenager proudly holding her diploma…

Eventually, they arrived at a door. It was closed, of course, and Meredith could see all the little dings, the holes where thumbtacks had posted up childish, handwritten placards. Once upon a time, she'd had similar signs, ones that screamed "Do Not Enter" in large black letters. But here she imagined drawings of rainbows, large bubble letters and huge smiley faces.

This was Lexie's room. This was where her sister had lived.

She remembered it now, from her infamous break-in several years back. Meredith and Alex had opened every other door before they'd found this one. And she'd had no clue what to expect. She'd been giggling, riding a wave of adrenaline, teasing Alex about his ridiculous ski mask. But once they were inside, all of that silliness had faded away. She'd stood there and admired the room. And it was as if she'd actually seen her sister for the very first time, really seen who she was beyond the lab coat and all of that stammering.

If Meredith closed her eyes, she could still picture it. Her mind had taken a snapshot, as if realizing that someday she would need such a memory... as if realizing that someday it would all be gone.

Lexie's bulletin board had been covered with awards and cards and little notes her mother had written her over the years. A trombone had sat in the corner. Two different Etch-A-Sketches had been on her desk. Notebooks filled with essays and stories had lined the bookshelves. And a few stuffed animals had sat on her chair, some of them almost as old as she was…

It had taken them a few hours, just a few short hours to pack everything up. Lexie had spent decades decorating, making the place her own and they'd cleared it out in a single night. After that, Meredith had sworn to never come back. She'd been doing her sister a favor, protecting her belongings, but she hadn't wanted to see that kind of emptiness ever again.

And yet here she was…

Meredith waited, crossing her arms nervously as Thatcher opened the door. The boxes… she'd filled all of those boxes here, by the dim glow of a flashlight. Had they found their way back? Were they filling the void where her chair had once been? Were they shoved in the closet, stacked to the ceiling?

"I couldn't remember it all…" Thatcher gave the door a nudge as it stuck on the carpeting. "I was sort of, sort of out of it the last time she lived here."

"It's okay…" Meredith was only half listening. She was trying to guess which box she should check. Maybe the one he had packed in the locker room? "I know she had a lot of stuff."

"That was Lexie." Thatcher managed one more smile. "We used to call her our little pack rat. She kept everything."

"Yeah…" Meredith finally followed him in. "Yeah, she did."

There was the sweet smell of laundry detergent, still hanging around after all of this time. But that wasn't the thing that caused her to gasp.

Meredith's eyes widened. Her hands dropped to her sides and suddenly she felt like she was going to faint.

There were no boxes, no boxes at all. Not one piece of cardboard was left in the room. And yet, by some miracle, the place was full. The pictures, the notebooks, the aging stuffed animals. Every single one of Lexie's belongings had found its way home again.

Her room looked exactly the same as it had five long years ago. It was as if Meredith had traveled back in time to that night… as if she and Alex had never arrived, as if those boxes had never existed. There were even extra pieces. Those items that Thatcher had tossed on the ground, the ones Lexie had cried over, those were here too.

"It took a few days…" His voice was quiet as he peered into the room. "But I think... I think I got it all back where it started."

Meredith was speechless. Her father had stood here, spent hours of painstaking work rebuilding Lexie's world. She had been so worried about boxes. She'd been worried that he'd pack Lexie away and try to forget. But he'd actually done the exact opposite. And the result… it had her close to tears.

"I hope you can find what you're searching for."

He remained in the doorway, not quite ready to step inside with her yet.

"Whatever you need, just take it. I know Lexie would want you to have it."

Meredith moved forward slowly, her legs shaky as she made a deliberate circle around the room. The bulletin board... a few new pictures were tacked up on the edges. She spotted the one of Lexie and George in their apartment. And there was one of her and Meredith, taken at Zola's first birthday party. Derek had held up his camera and-click-another moment frozen in time.

Meredith smiled as she reached out to touch the picture, her fingers running over its glossy surface.

"Thank you," she murmured.

She wanted to tell her father how much this all meant, how happy she was that he'd found a way to keep Lexie alive, how grateful she was that he'd shared it with her...

But as she glanced over, she realized, with a sinking heart, that the doorway was empty.

Her father had slipped away.

And she was alone.

Well that was one of the shorter chapters, but I wanted to get something up since I know it's been awhile since my last update. Plus, I wanted to finally get back to present day Thatcher and Meredith. I have some more work to do on the next few chapters, so I figured I'd see if you guys are still out there. Hope you're still around and enjoying the story. If so, I'll continue. There's still a lot more story to tell. Next up, more flashbacks…

Anyway, as always, please read and review if you can. Questions, comments, favorite sections, I'll take any and all of it. :)