BLEACH Weekly Tabloid: Rap, Yo
Hooray! It's the twentieth edition of BLEACH Weekly Tabloid! In honor of that (and one hundred reviews, because we like to roll things together like sushi!) we're throwing a party! Although we must warn you—CDs should not be used in combat!
Toshiro Hitsugaya: Wait! We all thought you were retiring after that last issue!
BWT: What? No, of course not! We won't be retiring for a long, long, long, long, long—
Mayuri Kurotsuchi: No! Curse my fate!
Momo Hinamori: Someone kill me now!
Byakuya Kuchiki: I wonder how much hiring the Royal Guard would cost per week…
BWT: —long, long, long, long time!
With what some may call an evil glint in our eyes we headed out to find out what inspires the good people of the Bleach world—wait are we supposed to not use the name of the manga in the tabloid? Uh-oh, there goes the fifth wall again…
Moving on!
After a long abscene we've had a revelation! Everyone loves music!
And everyone has a secret favorite music!
Byakuya Kuchiki was walking around the perimeter of squad six, minding his own business, when suddenly a strange sound came over the loud speakers.
Cut my life into pieces… this is my last resort…
BK: What by Yamamoto's beard is that?
Suddenly Hallow Ichi—er Bob—comes out of nowhere and starts trying to kill Byakuya! We grab the popcorn!
Bob: Die! Die! Die!
BK: What the [censor] is wrong with you Kurosaki. I don't care who likes you, I will end you!
Bob suddenly pauses.
No suffocation… no breathing… don't give a—
Bob: Really? "End you?" That's so… lame.
BK: What? I—.
Bob: You used to be cool man. You used to be cool.
BK: What the [censor]?
Bob: I remember when we had an epic battle, but now you're just boring.
Bob begins sniffling a bit, tears leaking from the corners of his—wait do hollows have eyes? Do they even have tear ducts?
We sure as [censor] don't know.
Bob: I'm going to go fight some cool espada!
With that Bob runs off crying…
Nothing's all… right!
…And we followed him to Heuco Mundo where the Soul Reapers and Espada were currently engaged in life or death battles. We thought it would be a good time to interrupt!
BWT: Hey guys, we're back!
Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez: Oh [censor].
Ichigo Kurosaki: I thought you guys died or something. You haven't tortured any of us in, like, weeks.
BWT: More like months!
IK: That's not something to be proud of!
BWT: Yeah so anyways, what music do you listen to?
IK: What?
BWT: Music.
IK: …
BWT: As punishment we're doing a special on you!
IK: Wait what the [censor]?
BWT: It'll be called Everybody Loves Ichigo and this is called blatant, shameless advertisement! Yeah!
IK: What the [censor]?
GJ: Would both of you shut the [censor] up?
IK: They won't go away until we tell them what music we like.
BWT: Someone's catching on!
IK: Shut up!
GJ: Well, I of course, like manly music. Manly music that's very manly.
BWT: Such as…
Grimmjow looked around nervously, he appeared to be sweating a bit!
GJ: You know like… uh…
Orihime Inoue: I'll tell you what my favorite music is!
BWT: Yay!
Uliquiorra Cifer: Hey useless people have you seen—? How the [censor] did you get out again?
OI: Oh hi Uliquiorra!
BWT: It's a pairing!
IK: Shut up!
BWT: Also a pairing!
GJ: Stop encouraging them!
BWT: Also a pairing!
IK: Would you—!
BWT: It's okay; we're doing a special on it later! Now Orihime what kind of music do you like?
OI: Allow me to sing you a verse! Ahem…
BWT: Where are our earplugs?
OI: Kill your enemies! My brothers dead around me! Wounds are hurting! Death is creeping for me!
BWT: …
IK: …
GJ: …
UC: …
OI: Scream, aim, fire! Scream, aim, fire! Over the top, over the top! Right now it's killing time! Over the top, over the top! Right now it's killing time!
BWT: We're really not sure what to say.
IK: Orihime do you really like that kind of music?
OI: My tastes have changed since I've been hanging out with Uliquiorra!
UC: Don't look at me; I don't listen to that [censor].
GJ: Whatever dude, I hear that stuff coming from your room all the time.
UC: Better than the ballerina music from yours.
BWT: Oh is that so…
GJ: No! I do not! I've never—why I!
IK: That would explain why you fought me with ballerina moves in our fight. They were, uh, well practiced.
GJ: I do not!
Grimmjow then runs away sobbing something about the mean kids and Uliquiorra drags Orihime away. Well no more fun in Hueco Mundo—back to the Soul Society we go!
More specifically… back to Byakuya!
BK: Oh. It's you. Again.
BWT: We love you too!
BK: What do you want?
BWT: We want to know what kind of music you like!
BK: No.
BWT: But—!
BK: No.
BWT: We—!
BK: No.
BWT: Hey Byakuya!
BK: What?
BWT: Knife.
BK: What the [censor]?
Tetsuzaemon Iba suddenly comes out of nowhere intent on stabbing Byakuya. Of course the steely captain just ignores him and Iba misses like the failure he has. What a shame for his first appearance in the tabloid to be such an epic fail!
BWT: Why does everyone keep trying to kill you today?
BK: I suspect you have something to do with it.
BWT: What why we never—yeah we do.
Giggling like mad we make our way to our favorite squad (not that we play favorites), Squad Ten! Infiltrating his room we found the runt captain doing paperwork, of course!
BWT: Hey Toshiro do you have a theme song?
TH: Shut up! They'll hear you!
BWT: Who?
TH: The… fan girls.
Suddenly a sound started to filter into the room.
TH: Great. Now they're playing it.
BWT: Playing what?
TH: …My theme song.
It's getting hot in here…
BWT: That doesn't make any sense!
So take off all your clothes!
BWT: Oooooh!
TH: Kill me now.
Since Toshiro—!
TH: That's Captain Hitsugaya! For crying out loud someone please just show me some respect!
Uh, since… Toshiro's fan girls have no taste in music we decided to end the issue in Ichigo's bedroom! That'll get the fan girl's really riled up!
BWT: Hey there!
IK: Holy [censor]! How'd you get in my room?
BWT: We'll ask the questions here.
IK: Whatever. What'll take to get you to leave?
BWT: What's your favorite music?
Ichigo looked nervously at a stereo system in the corner. We made a dash for it to find it had a song paused, just waiting for us to push the play button!
IK: Wait! Please before you press that button just answer me one thing!
BWT: Hmm… Ichigo begging? We're interested! So are the fan girls!
IK: Why are you continuing this madness?
BWT: Madness? No this is an overused joke!
IK: [Censor].
Hitting the play button joyously, we here at BLEACH Weekly Tabloid end this week's edition with a great thank you and hopes for lots more chapters to come!
A/N: So if this thing gets a couple of reviews I'll start writing it again. The hiatus was for no reason other than I lost time and then lost track of the series, but I'm catching up on episodes now! Easter special tomorrow with enough reviews for this one, and a special some time after that. Have a good one!