Chapter 21

So here I was. Standing in the middle of a dream. No, a nightmare. A nightmare that I knew I would never wake up from. See, that's the good thing about dreams, no matter how horrible, no matter how terrifying they are, you can always just wake up and tell yourself it's only a dream. but this, this was something I couldn't wake up from. This, I actually had to live through.

Adam left soon after the confrontation between myself and my parents. He couldn't stand it any more than I could. I now had my ultimatum. Either move away with my family to Boston, probably never to see Adam Brunner again, or stay here with him and leave my family.

I watched as Adam's shadow dissolved into the night air in front of me. Slowly walking back into my house, I caught mama's glance in the kitchen.

"What's the real reason Adam can't come with us? Why can't my future husband come with me, mama?" I was surprised by the tone of my voice. So was mama.

"Please, Sarah" she breathed out. I could tell how frustrated she was by the way she barely even dried the dishes after washing them; very unusual for her precision with most things.

"Tell me, mama" I said angrily. "What is wrong with him." I started getting more and more upset by the second. Mama was ignoring me now, trying to brush me off like I was a child. I was not a child any more.

"I already told you why, Sarah. Now stop with this." Her voice was shaky, uncertain. I knew that was not the real reason for her decision with my future and the people I wanted it to have.

"I am not a child any more!" I shouted, slamming both hands on the table in front of me. My anger was overwhelming me. "Tell me the real reason!"

Mama, wide eyed and angry herself looked at me. "How dare you raise your voice to me" she said sharply. She stepped closer to me, keeping her composure better than I was. "I already told you the real reason-"

"You're lying!" I shouted. Papa and Elijah stopped what they were doing in the living room and ran to the kitchen.

I felt odd arguing with mama. I had never once raised my voice this much to her before and I wasn't used to it at all. But she was lying, I knew she was. I wanted to know why she felted so compelled to keep me away from Adam.

"What's going on?" papa said. His eyes fell on me, hands pressed hard against the kitchen table still.

"Just tell me!" I had had enough of the charades my parents, especially my mama, were playing with me. I wouldn't give up his time.

"FOR GODNESS SAKES, SARAH!" mama exploded. "HE'S AN AMERICAN SOLDIER!"

Her answered surprised me. It had not been anything that I had expected. So what if he was an American soldier? He was our savior, one of our rescuers.

Mama threw her hand towel on the ground with a loud snap. "The things he's seen…they aren't memories you can erase!" I felt the anger ware off mama and become more worried. What was she so scared about?

"Mama…" I was so confused that I didn't even bother to finish my sentence. All eyes in the room focused on mama.

"I saw the look in his eyes when he spoke of his time during the war." Her voice was low, sad, almost disappointed. "Soldiers, Sarah, are not the easiest people to live with for the rest of your life." Mama stepped closer to me, taking my hands tightly in hers. "One action can trigger a memory, one that they thought they had forgotten, and cause them to do things that…" she bowed her head, squeezing my hands more.

So mama was afraid that Adam's gruesome past might cause him to explode on me? To hurt me? Adam would never, ever hurt me. This I knew as a fact.

"What about me? What about the horrible things I've been through? Wouldn't your judgment go for not only soldiers, but the survivors too?"

Mama shook her head angrily, "No, Sarah, because we are not trained killers."

"So you're afraid that his past will cause him to hurt me?" I could barely speak the words with my own tongue. They were too strange, unimaginable.

Elijah stepped in, his voice just as shocked as mine. "Elena, please that's crazy."

"Crazy but not uncommon" papa interjected. "Sarah, I respect the American soldiers but please, my darling, they aren't the most stable people to become attached to." My stomach dropped when I learned that even papa believed what mama did.

"Do you really want to take your chances, Sarah? To spend the rest of your life with a person who has killed another? Who could fall into a deep depression or explode into anger at any given moment"?

"With him, yes." My answer silenced mama. Her eye brows pinched together in confusion and a touch of anger spread across her face. "You don't know anything about him, mama. You don't know how much we feel for each other. He would never hurt me, no matter how upset his past makes him."

I felt the tension in the room go up a couple notches. I could tell my response shocked everyone.

"And if you're so worried about me not being hurt, then you wouldn't have to make me leave him." With one look at Elijah, the two of us left the house.

The road seemed more bumpy than usual. The wind seemed colder than most days. The night seemed darker than ever before. "Elijah, this is insane!"

Elijah stared at his feet as he walked, arms wound tightly across his chest. "I can't believe they're scared of him just because he's a soldier. Anyone with eyes can tell how much he cares for you."

I felt the hot tears warm my frozen eyes. A sick feeling in my stomach made me want to throw up. "I don't want to leave him, Elijah" I whispered. Elijah and I both heard the sobs that I tried to hide in my voice. He stretched out his right arm and curled it around my shoulders, bring me closer to his body.

"I know. Are you still going to marry him?" He sounded odd when he asked this. He sounded like he didn't want me to answer it for the fear that I might say yes.

"Of course I want to but I can't if I'm moving away. Elijah, I really don't know what to do." I paused, trying to take in air. "What do you think?"

Elijah's eyes sharpened and his voice became quieter. "I'm not going to tell you what I think, Sarah." His answer surprised me. "I don't want to lure you into one direction if you're not completely sure if it's the one you want. You know I would do anything for you and you know that I love you but…this, I can't help you with."

I understood his decision. I knew that if he told me what he thought I should do, I would automatically be inclined to that decision.

"I can't do it again, Elijah. I can't have my heart broken again." I wiped my nose on my sleeve, not caring at all about manners any longer. The only thing I cared about was the fact that I was being forced to choose between family or Adam.

"I'm so sorry, Sarah. I wish I could help you." Elijah turned his face towards me, his brown hair falling in his eyes. Raising his hand, he wiped away tears that slowly fell from my eyes.

"I'm never going to be happy, am I?" I bit my lower lip, tightening the hold my arms had around my waist. Elijah's eyes fell to the ground. Rain started pelting us, each drop smashing against me with unbelievable force it seemed like.

"I used to think the same thing after Lev died. But it gets better, Sarah. You're a smart woman and I know you'll make the right decision."

I didn't speak to my parents that night when I came home. Mama, my sweet, understanding mama, couldn't look me in the eyes. Papa tried talking to me, but because he believed the same thing my mama did, I ignored him too.

I decided that I wasn't going to stay in Elijah's room that night. I needed to be by myself, I needed to think about a lot of things. Elijah agreed, making me feel a tiny bit eased.

I groaned as I stuffed my face deep into my pillow. The fabric was thick, slightly itchy on my face as I laid on top of it. The air in my lungs soon began wearing off, the pillow too thick for me to breath threw. My head didn't lift off the pillow, even when I felt the pressure in my chest build up. That slight pressure soon turned into great pressure, my brain begging me to lift my head. My fists bunched up into tight fists as I pressed my face harder against the fabric. The seconds ticked by as my head began to feel dizzy, dizzier.

No air, chocking, the lungs in my chest crumbling up. The feeling of being weightless was intoxicating. Why was I doing this?

"Get Hannah!" Nathan hissed. I jumped up from my chair, dropping my book to the ground. My heart thumped loudly in my chest. Nathan stood frozen by the window, watching as a gang of Nazis tore apart the apartment beside us and drag out a child.

"What's going on, Nathan?!" I rushed over to the window and stood beside him, watching as the Nazis dragged the poor child out by his arms. He screamed, cried for his mama. Too bad all the adults were at work now.

"Oh, no…" Llana reached out her hand, catching mine beside her and squeezed it. "They're…"

"They're trying to find all the children that have been hiding while their parents are at work." His voice was sharp, angry and disgusted. H kept his eyes on the window. "Get Hannah!" he said again. I snapped out of the trance I had, watching as the Nazis threw the boy onto a truck, and ran for Hannah. She was in her usual spot when mama and papa were at work; my closet. Our room had a damp but deep closet that had hid Hannah safely for many days.

"Come, Hannah" I said, trying not to sound terrified. She was playing, dully, with her paper dolls I had made her.

"Where are we going?" she squeaked out. I picked her up quickly and ran to the door that lead to the basement. I had never been so happy we lived on the first floor until then.

"Shhh, you must be very, very quiet, Hannah. I need you to stay here until I come get you." I lifted up the blankets that covered a giant hole in the ground we had dug out months ago for cases such as this. Lowering her gently in, I kissed the top of her head.

"Sarah!" she cried. Tiny tears fell down her cheeks, making me want to climb in there with her. But I knew I couldn't. The Nazis would be coming soon.

"Please, Hannah be quiet. I don't want them to find you!" I patted her cheek gently and smiled. "I promise you I'll come back. I love you." Trying not to cry, I threw the blankets over the hole and ran back upstairs.

Nathan and Llana were still by the window when I came back. Nathan looked over at me, his eyes angry. "Is she hidden?"

"Yes" I breathed out. "What-" I was interrupted by a loud crash.

"Get down on the ground, right now!" Five Nazis, all older, barricaded themselves through our door and jabbed their guns into our faces. I felt my blood turn cold. Their orders were loud, rough and terrifying. We all did as we were told and threw ourselves on to the ground.

"Don't move or I will shoot you!" One of the Nazis shouted to me as I lay on the ground. I was opposite Nathan, our eyes connected. I felt my hot breath hit the ground under me and smack my face. My hands were trembling and tried as best I could not to cry. Nathan slowly reached his hand closer to mine and held it tightly. My shook enough for the both of us.

I heard the basement door slam open. I jumped out of my skin it seemed like. "Nathan…" I cried, tears falling freely down my terror stricken face. His fingers tightened around mine.

"Look at me" he mouthed, eyes flickering from me to the Nazi guard ten feet away from us. I raised my eyes to him, his face blurry. "They won't find her" he whispered, almost too quiet for even me to hear beside him.

"But, what…" I heard tables and other objects being thrown around downstairs. "Nathan" I moaned. I thought about jumping up right where I laid and racing downstairs myself. Nathan sensed this and pulled himself a fraction of an inch closer to me. The same amount of panic was in his eyes.

"Don't move" he commanded. "Just breath, Sarah, look at me." I felt my breath shorten as a silence fell across the Earth.

The four other Nazis stomped their way up the stairs, anger on their faces and left.

They hadn't found her.

"Oh!" I tore my face off the pillow, gasping for air. My fingers clawed at my throat as I took in as many deep breaths as I could. How long had I had my head down? "Stupid, Sarah" I breathed out.

Time passed so slowly that night. I knew exactly when everyone in the house fell asleep. You could feel the tension melt away, even if only for a few hours. I envied how easy they were able to fall asleep. Sleep was one thing that never came easily since the war ended. That was until I met Adam. Every night seemed different when I had spent it with him. I closed my eyes, trying against my will to picture my life with out him. It was dark, black, inconceivable. A world I was living when Andreas died.

A world I wouldn't survive twice.