A/N: Moving the rating to M due to intimate themes and swearing, should have upped it a few chapters ago, I apologize.
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No one heard from Shepard for two days, no one except Jack and James. She sent them a message via her omni-tool when she left Liara in their quarters, letting them know she would be gone for during the leave, needed to think. She asked them to tell Liara and anyone still hanging around the Normandy. Shepard decided to take her 48 hour leave to think about what she had done, about what Liara had done.
In her time away she contacted Councilor Tevos to inform her of what happened with Kane. If the asari Councilor was upset or surprised you would never know it, she simply said thank you for the information and disconnected the call. Figures thought Shepard; the Councilor never cared what Shepard thought anyway why the hell would she care now, whether or not it was true it felt true.
Shepard doesn't want this life anymore. She doesn't want to be at the beck and call of the Council doing whatever they ask of her. Take care of Kane, we need you, find more proof of Saren going rogue, find proof of the reaper's existence we don't believe you and on and on and on. The damn war with the reapers all but killed the rest of the Specters, her and Williams almost being the only ones left. Why couldn't one of them handle the situation with Kane? She wanted to know but didn't ask. What difference does it make, what's done is done. Shepard has to live with the fact that she killed a man who was helpless, tied up, sedated. Maybe it is a good thing he was sedated, the first plunge of the knife instantly killed the man, at least he didn't suffer, but this doesn't make Shepard feel better.
Staying in her hotel room for two days locked away from anyone and everyone does not make her feel better either. Shepard called Dr. Snowden because she could not think of how to get rid of her feelings of despair; she felt as if the alluring pit of depression was dragging her down and she didn't want that, didn't want to succumb to the darkness, the sadness the aloneness. Shepard recognized that when she is depressed her cuts herself off from people, not letting in any source of comfort because berating herself and calling herself murderer was all the comfort she allowed, if you actually call that comfort.
Dr. Snowden listened as Shepard told her parts of the story, how Liara lied to her, manipulated her, how she got lost but now Shepard is the one feeling lost. The doctor merely asked what Shepard wanted. "Do you want a future with Liara?" It was shocking to hear the words; of course she did that is what Shepard fought for every day, every day that she can remember. Since she met the asari her life has always been about fighting for a future with Liara. But fighting reapers and husks and Cerberus was far easier than fighting emotional demons. Shepard much preferred physical pain over emotional pain; emotional pain always reared its ugly head even years later.
She doesn't want this pain anymore, this..this emotional pain. She has fought to be with Liara and she will keep on fighting even though all her energy seems depleted. Shepard loves Liara, cannot wait to meet their unborn child.
Shepard thinks to herself, God, how can I be a good father when I am a murderer. Hi little one, so if you don't like someone you can go ahead and tie them up and stab them repeatedly because everyone wanted him dead anyway, so really it's not wrong that you killed him honey. I am so proud of you. Of course Shepard would hopefully never say that to her daughter, but what kind of example is she now. Shepard did not tell Dr. Snowden everything, did not tell her she was a murderer.
Of everything she has been through, the lies, the deceit from Liara, who knew that killing a man would hit her so hard. A man who took her away from the love of her life just so that man could have his fun. When she thinks about it that way, of course it is fine that she killed him, he deserved it, but does anyone really deserve to die? These are the thoughts Shepard cannot shake. How will Liara ever forgive her, look at her the same way, Shepard killed a helpless unarmed man. What the hell has she become?
But wait a minute, what about Liara. She is nothing but a liar. She got lost, so lost. Shepard is almost mad at herself for not being angrier at Liara, but she's not. If these two days away from her bondmate has taught her anything it is that she doesn't want to be separated from her anymore. She only hopes Liara feels the same. Life is too short to hold onto grudges, does it hurt absolutely it hurts, but it hurts more thinking of her life without her blue beauty.
Talking with Dr. Snowden helped, helped Shepard see what she wanted. She wants Liara, she wants her family safe and she wants her little blue children. Was it devastating that Liara lied, that she played on her emotions to get what she wanted, of course yes. But in the end Shepard understands what Liara did, has no problem seeing herself doing the same thing, I mean Shepard would not lie she would just do it. Just like when she told Jack, James and Dr. Chakwas her plan with Kane, all three said no, not a good idea, but Shepard would not hear it. Didn't she do the exact same thing as Liara; she was just open and honest about it? Who the hell is Shepard to judge Liara's actions, she is the one who pushed Liara, she is the one who let it happen. She didn't confront Liara when she caught her in her lies.
And that lunch, the morning when Liara made her breakfast in bed and said she was sorry about how much time she was spending researching and how she wanted to spend the day with Shepard. She doesn't remember being so happy being so relieved that Liara was maybe letting it go. Then at lunch when Liara said she wanted to take a day trip and she mentioned New York Shepard knew, she knew what Liara was planning. The pain she felt as Liara uttered the words; looking at the asari's face she saw no expression of guilt at her lie, her deceit. What about that pain, damn it. How the hell is Shepard supposed to trust her again, how is Shepard supposed to trust herself? She gave her heart to Liara, the first person she did that with and look what happened. Liara crushed it, she ….
No no no, Shepard can forgive that, she can move on from the pain Liara inflicted because she understands where it was coming from. Yes Liara was obsessed, yes she was consumed, Shepard has been consumed. Didn't Shepard spend years after Mindoir just existing not letting anyone close, what about that, how is that different from what Liara went through. Liara protected herself by focusing on finding Kane, learning everything she could about his friends or contacts. Shepard cannot begrudge her that.
Enough. Shepard knows Liara made mistakes so did Shepard, it is time to put this to rest and move on, oh please let them be able to move on. Fuck this shit, this emotional shit, this being away from Liara shit, Shepard wants Liara, she wants her family and she is going to fight for them.
Today is the day her crew and squad return to the Normandy, it will be busy again. So Shepard returns early hoping to talk with Liara. It is 0500 when she enters their quarters. Liara is not there, Shepard's heart sinks. Why would she be here, she probably went home, why would she wait. Does she even want to talk to me, to see me? Now what?
Shepard walks toward the door to leave when it opens standing in front of her is Liara looking as beautiful as ever.
Stunned Liara says, "Shepard?"
"Hello Liara." As if they are on their first date (well if they actually dated) they are awkward with each other, not wanting to look in each other's eyes, not sure what to say.
"When did you get back?" Liara finally asks after the silence is too long.
"Just now, I'm surprised to see you up at this hour."
"I never sleep well when you are gone," Liara says as she walks by her into their quarters.
Shepard feels a pang of guilt. "Have you eaten?"
"Yes Shepard I have eaten," Liara says clearly tired.
"I was hoping we could talk if you are up for it," says Shepard. She is not sure if she should follow Liara down to the couch or not, so she waits.
Liara wants to say I wanted to talk two days about but you decided to walk out, why should I talk to you now, but she doesn't. She is relieved truth be told that Shepard has returned, she has no idea what to think, where she has been, what she will say. "Of course," she says as she sits.
Shepard joins her on the couch, she notices that Liara will not look at her, she doesn't blame her she married a murderer after all Stop it Shepard, get your thoughts squared. "First I want to apologize for not being able to talk two days ago."
Liara looks at her, sees the sadness in her eyes, the human woman looks so completely tired.
"It's okay Elly; I know how you need to think." She was not accusing Shepard, just stating a fact.
"Well nonetheless, I know how it must have felt when I walked out and I am sorry about that."
Liara gives her a brief smile.
"I should not have put you through that Liara. When I told James, Jack and Dr. Chakwas what I needed from them neither one liked the idea."
"Even Jack?" asks Liara, "I would have thought she would approve of the idea."
Shepard could hear a bit of sarcasm from Liara, but it wasn't mean it was meant to be funny, which was confirmed when Liara smiled again.
"Yeah, even Jack. Anyway, even with the way to monitor your health and our baby's health, it was not a good idea."
"I am not quite sure anything else would have worked Elly, to make me see what I was doing."
Shepard looks at Liara; she is shocked to hear what Shepard herself thought. Shepard felt she had to be extreme to get Liara to see the truth, but to hear the asari agree with her, well she was not expecting it.
"Well, even so."
Liara stands and moves closer to Elly and sits back down next to her. Liara reaches for her hand but waits to see if Shepard will meet her half way. Shepard extends her hand, Liara takes it. "I am so sorry for what I put you through Elly."
Shepard never likes these types of talks, they get too personal too touchy feely. She doesn't feel in control, with Liara taking her hand, looking at her now, she wants to break down she wants to cry. She is so exhausted from crying she cannot believe she feels the heat behind her eyes once again, I mean don't tears run out.
Liara notices she cannot look at her, but that's okay, she continues anyway knowing she is still listening. "I am sorry I lied to you, manipulated you to get on the Normandy. I am sorry I didn't tell you about my visit to Attica prison. I am sorry that I let my lust for revenge rule my every thought and every action. I love you Elly Shepard and I hope you can forgive me."
Shepard with tears in her eyes moves her head up to look at Liara, "Of course I can Liara," Shepard kneels in front of her grabbing her other hand, she looks into Liara's ocean blue eyes, "Can you forgive me?"
"Well of course Ell…-," without letting her finish Shepard's lips are on hers. The kiss was hard at first, desperate then turned soft, longing, wanting.
Shepard doesn't remember how long it has been but it has been too long. She wanted to say more, say how sorry she was for murdering the man, but the fact is she is not that sorry and that only makes it worse. She just wants Liara, she doesn't want to talk through it or feel anything anymore, she just wants to feel Liara, feel her skin, her lips, her breasts her everything.
Shepard lifted Liara from the couch and laid her on the bed as their lips never moved from each others. She only parted from the asari to remove clothing and help Liara remove hers. To feel her skin again it was intoxicating, comforting, everything she remembered. God she missed her, she knew she would never get enough not ever be fully sated.
Was it wrong to do this, if it was Shepard put it out of her mind. Sex, being intimate did not come easy for Shepard, not at all, but Liara has helped her tremendously in this area. To be so vulnerable with another person, it is not something Shepard ever took lightly. Not usually the one to initiate sex, Shepard has grown more bold in their relationship, but not like this. Right now all she can think about is nothing else but getting Liara naked and feeling her all over, it is as if her body needs it, needs Liara and cannot survive without the feel of the asari beneath her. She wants to get lost in her, get lost in her blue beauty.
To feel Shepard's lips again, her hands on my body, Liara is thrilled that Shepard is with her right now. She wasn't sure what she was going to say if and when Shepard returned to the Normandy. Liara hoped that when the 48 hour leave was up she would see her bondmate.
She was not expecting to see her in their quarters, the look of her, how tired she looked. And her eyes, they were red and swollen, had she cried for two days? Liara sure did. She could not believe what she put Shepard through. How she allowed herself to get so obsessed over finding Kane and for what, in the end what did it matter. Why was it so hard for Liara to let go, to stop her research? She didn't want to think about it, she knows how focused she gets, how was this any different, because it hurt your wife Liara that is how it was different. Liara only left their Normandy quarters for meals; she left the Normandy to eat in the nearby Alliance HQ cafeteria. She was happy that people left her alone. She did see Jack and James once, but they kept their distance, Jack returning to who knows where and James leaving to enjoy the rest of his leave before returning to his N7 training.
Liara went too far, she knows this. She rehearsed what she wanted to say to Elly when she finally appeared, but would it be enough, would it be the right thing. What is the right thing to say in this situation, sorry honey, I love you but…
She had to try though right. Liara loves Shepard cannot think of a life without her, will not have a life without her. She will do anything and everything possible to get her bondmate back, to love her and cherish her as she should have been doing all along. Will Liara get obsessed again, probably, but she has learned her lesson, never again will she manipulate and lie to Shepard as she did, she will instead be open and honest.
Now that Shepard has unclothed her and is kissing her, caressing her she knows her words were the right words. To feel the human so close to her, oh Goddess how she missed her. She will never do anything like this again, she loves Shepard too much.
Before reaching out with her mind to join with Shepard Liara slowly moves her hand over Shepard's torso. Shepard stiffens, but Liara whispers "I love you Elly," as her hands traces over her scars. It was almost Shepard's undoing, such loving affection from Liara, her proving to her that she is not repulsed by her scars no matter how she got them. She lost it entirely and started to cry when Liara moved down and kissed each scar, moving slowly over each one with her lips. To feel such love was overwhelming to Shepard she couldn't help her tears.
Liara reached out with her mind and they joined becoming one, one heartbeat, one being, one spirit in perfect harmony. It was amazing, perhaps the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder is true, Shepard is not sure, but she sure as hell doesn't want to be this absent from Liara again. After their meld, they held each other as if they were the only two people in the galaxy no longer caring about anything except each other and their unborn child.