Stay with Me

Hold Me

Severide was approached by Casey's nurse after he had cleared infection control to get onto the ward. She informed him of the bad news Casey had been given, saying that he really needed a friend. He stepped tentatively into the hospital room, not quite sure what he was about to get himself into, but he knew Casey shouldn't be alone right now. He'd happily faced barbed insults and yelling if it meant Casey weren't alone with his own thoughts. There was paper strewn on the floor. Polar bears and penguins. He bent down and picked them up. That was anger checked off the list, he thought, as he tried to flatten the few that had been scrunched up and broken. He set them on the side, placing a heavy book on top of them, hoping to fix them, he was sure Casey would want them despite what he had done.

"Hi, Matt," Severide greeted gently.

Casey turned his head a little. It was obvious he had been crying and Severide felt like he was intruding on something very private. He had never seen Casey cry before. Not like this.

They gazed at each other for the longest moment.

Casey let out a shuddering breath as his tears began again. "Hold me… please just hold me…" His body was visibly shaking. He was too exhausted, physically and mentally, to push Severide away. It was time to lean on him. He needed his touch, his steady breaths and familiar scent. He didn't care what it all meant, right now he needed to be held.

Without a single thought Severide went right over to the him, kicking his shoes off, getting on the bed and scooping his arms around Casey, holding him tight and never wanting to let go.

Casey relaxed into Severide's hold, feeling safe beneath his grip.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Kelly…"

"Shh… shh… just relax, don't talk. We're just gonna lie here together for as long as you need."

It didn't take long for Casey to fall asleep in Severide's arms. He didn't dare move in case he woke him up but he managed to cover him with another throw, Casey's skin felt cold even within his embrace. Severide must have drifted off eventually too, he woke with Casey's woollen hat topped head tucked underneath his chin. Severide became astutely aware of every single breath and movement he made. Every single movement because he wanted to memorise it, memorise it forever because he didn't think he could ever let Casey go. He couldn't even pinpoint what it was, he just knew that he was supposed to be with him right now. His grip increased in strength. He wasn't ever going let Casey feel alone again.

Casey's nurse was smiling at him, she entered the room and took a couple of cartons of Ensure Plus out of the small fridge, Casey wasn't up to having anything more, his mouth had felt even worse when he'd woken earlier in the morning, and the thought of anything substantial made him feel nauseous. Severide hoped he would be eating more by now, a whole week had passed since the chemotherapy had ended, and Casey's body felt so light within his embrace, his cheekbones and jaw line were so prominent now, Severide could only imagine how he looked beneath the layers of clothing.

"I'll make sure he has them," he said quietly, just above the sound of a whisper. He was quite sure Casey would sleep for some time though.

Catalina gave a quick nod and then left the room, closing the door carefully behind. Severide had been right, Casey slept undisturbed for another two hours, he'd lost most the feeling in his left hand but he didn't care.

Casey stirred in his embrace, letting at a breath that almost sounded like a groan.

"Are you uncomfortable?" Severide asked him gently, not sure whether he was uncomfortable because of pain, or because he was lying in his arms since Casey's body had tensed since he'd woken.

"Kel…"

"Yeah, it's me," he responded and he felt Casey relax again. "Before you get too comfortable again; need you to eat something."

He heard Casey groan as he moved away from his arms, Severide wished the moment could have last longer. Casey looked at him. "Don't wanna see another carton of that stuff again."

"Do you still have some Jell-O left?"

"Don't want that," he responded.

"Is there anything you do want to eat? I'll move heaven and earth to make it happen," Severide told him.

"Sorry…"

Severide picked up one of the cold cartons from the side. "Do these really taste that bad?" he asked, holding it up.

"Why? You gonna drink it and say I did?"

"Nope."

"They taste fine. Well, most the flavours are ok… but I have to have at least six a day, really they want me to have eight, not always managing six though. I'm… I think I'm gonna end up being fed through a tube…" he admitted, looking away. Severide could see him shaking.

"If it's what you need, I don't think it's a bad thing," Severide responded.

"I see how people look at me," Casey said quietly.

"This is temporary," he countered. "Now, do you think you could eat something? If you could have anything you wanted right now, what would it be?"

"I don't want to throw up," Casey admitted, barely above the sound of a whisper.

"I know you've been throwing up after just drinking, so…"

"PB and J sandwich, but blackcurrant jelly," he said suddenly, smiling at the thought.

"That's a good start, what else? Or do you just want kids' food?" Severide teased him.

He thought for a moment. "Some onion rings, the beer battered ones."

"Anything else?"

"Kelly, I don't want them, not really…" Casey responded, the thought of eating the sandwich he'd been craving for the last twenty-four hours was being overwhelmed with the thought of the aftermath, even though he might not throw up he was letting it get to him.

Severide got up from the bed. "Well, I want them now, so I'm gonna go and get us some food. You relax here and drink them, deal?"

"Deal? Don't think I benefit from this," he said with a frown across his face.

"You will when I figure out where I can get a PB and J sandwich with blackcurrant jelly."

"I don't want…"

"Not another word. I'll be back."

When Severide returned to Casey's room, he was a little shocked at the sight that greeted him. Casey was sitting hunched over the side of the bed, right hand clamped to his face, blood running between his fingers, ribboning down his wrist in thin streams, dripping onto his clothes and the bed cover. The nurse was there beside him, having arrived quickly from the nurse's station after Casey had pressed his call button.

Casey looked directly at Severide. His eyes were wide and fear filled. Fear Severide had never seen in his eyes before. He dumped the bag down and went straight to his side where he pulled Casey's hand away from his face. Blood was pouring from his nose and his nurse was now holding a wad of tissue to try and stem the flow.

"Need you to lie back, Matt, all right?" she instructed him.

But Casey didn't seem to hear her, or maybe he just didn't want to comply so Severide wordlessly swapped places with the nurse, holding the tissue to Casey's face and they both helped him to lie back, lowering the bed until it was flat.

"Matt, it's already slowing down, it's not like last time. It should stop on it's own… just gonna this ice here…"

Casey winced when the ice pack came into sudden contact with the bridge of his nose and his cheeks.

"I know, it's not nice, I'm sorry…"

"Matt, look at me," Severide instructed, getting down so he was closer to Casey's head.

"Sorry…"

Severide shook his head in mock. "If I'd known you'd wanted to turn this place into a murder scene I would have got some fake blood packs, save you all this effort," he teased him, hoping to earn a smile.

He coughed some more, spitting saliva and thick red blood out into the basin. He dropped his head heavily back onto the pillow, his exhaustion showing now, eyes cloudy and half lidded, breathing almost laboured with all the effort.

"All right, you should be good now. How are you feeling? Are you lightheaded at all?" Catalina asked after Severide took away the tissue, showing him that the bleeding had slowed down almost to a stop.

"No…" Casey murmured. "Fine now...thanks...''

"Just tired?" she questioned, already starting to untuck the bedsheet that had become bloodied.

"Uh huh…"

"All right, let's get you cleaned up," she said, smiling.

Casey shook his head a little, not wanting to move and risk the nosebleed starting up again.

"Just need to sit you up a bit, Matt, so I can get this sheet off and get you sorted out..."

Casey tried to sit up but she pressed the button and the bed moved him without effort.

"Here, let me help." Severide volunteered, holding Casey while Catalina expertly gathered the sheet up around him. Severide rolled Casey over a little so she could get the sheet out from under him, and she smiled as Casey's head just rested forward against Severide's chest. Severide just grinned at her in response. "Magic touch," he said, trying for nonchalance but hardly succeeding.

Catalina just kept smiling as she cleared up the bloody wads of tissue and the ice pack, disposing of everything in the yellow hazardous waste bin on her way out of the room, with Severide telling her they'd be fine on their own now.

"We're gonna need to move again, Matt, but you'll feel better with a fresh shirt," Severide told Casey after a few moments, still holding onto him. He wasn't in a rush to move and had his eyes closed.

"Sorry..." Casey said quietly as he sat up off the bed slowly.

"I don't mind helping," Severide said, already attempting to remove Casey's bloody t-shirt.

Casey just allowed Severide to pull his shirt off over his head, too exhausted to feel self-conscious. Severide was the one who felt self-conscious when he saw Casey's ribs and his prominent hip bones. It was a disturbing image to see Casey's body looking so fragile and Severide felt unnerved, trying not to stare, trying not to hesitate, trying to keep it all matter of fact. Severide hated to see the central line embedded in Casey's flesh, flesh that had once been so taut and perfect but that was now so pale and marred by spots of bruising and discolouration. Severide still couldn't get over how thin and bony he seemed with his gaunt face and his concave abdomen. It wasn't right. It didn't look like Casey any more.

Severide wipe away the dried blood from Casey's face, neck, chest, arms and hands with some sterile wet cloths. He was gentle and kind with his touch. Casey almost found himself drifting off again but he didn't want to sleep, he'd had enough sleep for one lifetime.

"Almost done," Severide spoke softly, grabbing another wipe. "Be as good as new soon," he said as he gave one final wipe over Casey's chest, then stepped back to admire his handiwork.

"'Sorry…" Casey said again, repeating his apology over and over every so often.

Severide just gave him a smile. He knew well enough not to tell Casey to stop apologising. Casey had spent most his childhood believing that he needed to be perfect, anything less than perfect was unacceptable according to his parents. Saying sorry had become an instinctive part of Casey's nature now and Severide knew he would never be able to change that, there was no point in telling Casey to stop, it wouldn't work and it could even make things worse.

He stood up once he was done and went into the small bathroom, staring down at the blood on his own hands, some of it had come off as he'd cleaned Casey up, but most was still on his skin, a stark reminder of how sick Casey really was. He turned the faucet and let the water heat up, holding his hands under the stream, watching the red run down into the sink as he used a generous amount of soap, rubbing his hands over and over again.

"Kel…" Casey's voice came through the closed door. It was faint but Severide heard it and he turned the water off. "Kelly, are you ok?"

Severide smiled to himself. Typical of Casey to be worried about him when he wasn't even the one stuck in the hospital right now. "I'm fine, was just cleaning up," he responded as he dried his hands.

When Severide opened the door, Casey was standing just outside the bathroom, one hand against the wall to steady himself. "Hi…" he said, smiling at Severide.

"What are you doing standing here? You should be lying down."

"Needed to clear up, then realised you'd been in there for a long time, figured you weren't taking a dump," he answered, laughing.

"Just cleaning my hands," Severide repeated.

"Sorry…"

"Go sit down before you fall down," Severide told him.

Severide watched as Casey nodded tiredly. Satisfied when he was safely back on the bed, having resisted the urge to go and help him, he set about completing Casey's task. By the time he'd tidied up the room, Casey had fallen asleep, exhausted from both the nosebleed and his destructive outburst earlier on, so Severide sat down and opened up the bag of onion rings he'd picked up from a local take-out joint and began to eat a few of them, they were almost cold now.

Casey woke and opened his eyes to find Severide sitting by his side. He hadn't left. He was still here with him, even though he was essentially getting nothing out of being here, except for what he was sure was cold onion rings. The thought of that brought a small frown to Casey's face.

"You all right?" Severide asked him. "Go back to sleep if you want, you've not been out for very long."

"Bit hungry," he responded quietly, pushing himself up in the bed from his sleeping position.

"Good. I got you a PB and J sandwich, with blackcurrant jelly," Severide told him.

"Why?" Casey asked, not managing to stop the word slipping through his lips.

"If you're gonna throw something up you might as well enjoy it first," he commented.

"Let's just hope it doesn't come back up," Casey responded.

Severide smiled as Casey's eye lids started to droop. "Think you can sleep-eat?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"Sleep-walking, sleep-eating. Not funny?"

"Oh… yeah," Casey responded tiredly.

"Maybe have it later, Matt," Severide told him, seeing how tired he'd become.

"No, can have it, and need a carton too…"

"All right, I'll keep you awake for now then," Severide responded. He stood up and went to the small fridge, picking out a bottle of Ensure for Casey. He opened it and even took the straw out of its wrapper before handing it to him. "Are you going to be ok tomorrow? I can take the shift off?" he asked as Casey began to sip at the drink.

Casey smiled with the straw still in his mouth, just shrugging his response.

Severide smiled back at him. "Don't be thinking I'm worried but… are you going to be all right tomorrow?"

"I'll be fine."

"You always are."

TBC