Another Lonely Day

"Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
So now it's just another lonely day.
Further along we just may,
but for now it's just another lonely day".

Ben Harper

The week before, with the confirmation that Olivia was dating (he had not been informed of the date gone bad), Ed's mood went downhill. He submerged himself in work all week and barely let himself think about her. It was the best he could do.

Until Thursday night.

He was sitting around the living room, watching TV, when Kennedy came over to see Bobby, who wasn't home from work yet. Instead she sat down with Ed and hung out. "So did you hear about Saturday?" She asked.

"What about it?"

"Liv's birthday."

Ed focused stronger on the screen. "Oh? Yea I guess it is, isn't it? So?"

"A bunch of us are throwing her a small party. Well, not a party as much as Stabler and the guys are arranging take out from some place she likes. Was all her partner's idea, he thinks she needs it. Personally, I don't understand the whole 'celebrating birthdays' thing."

"She doesn't like dinner parties."

"I know, but she'll deal."

"Why are you telling me this, Kennedy?"

"Because me and Bobby are gonna be there and...I just don't want you to hear about it in the future and get mad that we didn't tell you."

"I couldn't care less."

"Maybe you could drop by," she offered after awhile.

"I don't think so. She won't...she doesn't want me around."

"I just think that, at some point, you two are going to have to start getting along. At least be okay with being in the same room. The rest of us are sick of trying to give you two space."

"Glad you're concerned Ken."

"Ed! Stop. I'm just...if you want to come by, it's where we'll be," she summed up as Bobby's key sounded in the door.

But Saturday afternoon, Ed had no intentions of going anywhere. He was on the couch, watching some movie on HBO, waiting for the day to end. Every time he glanced at the clock, he thought about all the things he would be doing with her if they were still together. Back when they were together, he may not have come up with much, but now he had lots of ideas on how to impress and romance her. He always told everyone he had game, but now he was starting to believe it. Well, at least he could if he weren't such a loser. He reached to the coffee table for the phone and dialed a number.

"You better have a good reason for calling me on a Saturday," his partner said as a greeting.

"I've been thinking."

"Oh dear, give me a minute to sit down," she replied. He waited. "Okay, Green, what've you been thinking?"

"You should take the stand on Monday in my place."

"Me? Why?"

"You know this case, you just about led us through it, and you've got a connection with the defendant," he explained.

"Did. I did have one. Then we found out she did it."

"Right, but she was still all about trying to impress you and get you on her side. You know this case in and out, I think you should take the stand."

"Okay, talk to McCoy first thing Monday and if he's okay with it, I'll do it."

"Good." He nodded but didn't end the call.

"Anything else?" She asked.

"Whatcha doin?"

"What am I...I'm making lunch," she answered with a small laugh.

"Whatcha makin?"

"Grilled cheese."

"Ahh."

She gave him a long silent reply, then sighed. "Ed, would you like to come over for lunch?"

"Nice of you to offer," he said. "See ya in a bit."

"Okay, I'll make more." They hung up and Ed flipped off the TV. He needed to do something distracting, even if that was eating his partner's cooking.

When Ed approached the door to Nina's apartment, he heard a smoke alarm blaring and smelled something quite horrible. He pushed his way in the door and went to the kitchen where Nina was standing on a chair that wasn't quite tall enough, and she was on her tip toes trying to hit her smoke alarm with her spatula. There was a pan with a black brick sitting in the sink, and the room was full of smoke. He bit back a smile and pulled Nina off the chair, then climbed up and turned the alarm off while she opened some windows.

"Mmm, lunch," he said, looking into the sink. "Remind me why you keep trying?" He rolled his sleeves up and picked up the pan. He threw out the burnt sandwich and washed the pan quickly, then set it on the stove and started preparing a new sandwich. Nina started wiping crumbs and butter off of the counter.

"Remind me who's apartment you're at?" She shot back. She poured two glasses of apple juice and sat down with one at the counter and watched him fry up new sandwiches. "So why were you so bored that you came here?"

He shrugged and showed off by shaking the pan and flipping the sandwiches in the air. "All my real friends are busy." He set the pan back on the stove.

She rolled her eyes, "Thanks."

"No," he smiled briefly. "Actually, today is Liv's birthday and they're all having a party and..." he shrugged. "I tried moping around the house, but it wasn't working."

"Well, by all means, mope here. Long as you cook."

When the food was ready, Ed plated it up and pushed one at her, and sat beside her with his. They ate quietly, and he glanced around the kitchen. His eyes stopped on the dish rack next to the sink, then at a tie draped around the doorknob to the pantry.

"Who you seeing?" He asked.

"Huh?" She glanced over at him. "No one."

"Right." He pointed to the dish rack. "Two wine glasses, two dinner plates."

"Two nights worth of dishes," she explained.

"And since when do you wear ties?"

"It's...a gift for my father."

"You lie," he laughed. "Ties get put into nice little boxes when you buy 'em. And you get these calls lately that make you go all girlie and smiley." He nudged her. "You can tell me, who's your friend?"

"No one you know," she replied, finishing her food.

"He's a cop, isn't he?"

"Nope."

"Lawyer?"

"You know, Ed, some of us can find dates outside of work."

"Ouch," he shook his head. "That was uncalled for." He went back to his lunch and Nina laughed at him.

When he finally went home, he went back to his moping in front of the TV. Late in the evening, the front door opened and he looked up. Bobby and Kennedy came through all smiles and laughter.

"Hey roomie," Bobby smiled and loosened his tie.

"Ed," Kennedy said warmly. She sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his neck. She leaned up close to him. "How are ya?"

Ed glanced up at Bobby, who was smiling. "Sorry, she had a few drinks."

"Edward." She rested against his shoulder and patted his chest. "You should have joined us tonight. She wanted you there."

"Right."

"She didn't say so, of course. You two and all your hidden feelings and pent up emotions. You two are pains in asses. Ass? Pains in ass?" She drifted off in thought about the proper way to say it.

"C'mon, it's your bedtime." Bobby bent down to pull her up.

"Sweetie, wait. I'm talking to our friend here. You know you agree with me." She yanked Bobby down to sit on her other side.

"I'll just-" Ed tried to stand, but Kennedy didn't let him.

"Now Ed, you listen to me! She won't listen to me and I've given up because...well...she scares me."

"And I don't?" He asked.

"No. You're harmless." She patted his knee. "So will you listen to one thing?"

"Alright, tell me," he grimaced.

"We've all been playing this game all these months, 'Keep Ed and Liv apart! They hate each other!' And we've all been walking on eggshells around you two, and trying to keep you happy; when all along all of us..." She yawned. "All of us...hmm...what...oh, all of us know that the only way you two will ever be happy is to be together again. And that's what I think. And...and you..." She faded into silence. Although he didn't want to hear more, Ed still waited for her to finish.

"Uh...Kennedy?" Bobby asked. He and Ed looked down at her. She was out. They glanced at each other with raised eyebrows. Bobby stood and lifted Kennedy in his arms. She pressed her face into his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck. Bobby kissed the top of her head and raised his eyes to Ed. "Night," he whispered, before walking off down the hall. Ed could hear him talking softly to her as he took her to the bedroom. Ed had to wonder if his roommate had ever had the jealousness that he'd been feeling lately. He glanced at the clock for the hundredth time that day. It was her birthday for another hour. He'd been doing good all day. He'd wanted to see her all day, and held back. He'd been doing good...until then. He jumped up and walked out the door.

He stood outside her apartment for twenty minutes before going in, then stood outside her door for ten minutes before knocking. The second he did knock, he wanted to turn and flee. He would have too if she hadn't answered so quickly.

As the door flew open she spoke. "See Fin, you always forget some-" She stopped mid sentence, holding a coat out to him. "You're not Fin," she finally said. He shook his head, unable to say much of anything. No surprise, she was already in her sweats. Even so, he was reminded of how beautiful she was. As if he could forget. She pulled the coat back and hung it on a peg beside her.

"Party's over," she said, crossing her arms self consciously.

"I know," he finally found his voice, though it was quiet. "Bobby and Kennie just got home. She was-"

"Drunk," Olivia finished, a wry smile hinting at her lips. "Lucky for all of us, she's a very loving drunk."

"Why I had to get out of the apartment," he joked. That got her to smile for real. They stared at each other for a long time. "Happy Birthday, Liv." Their smiles had faded.

"Not anymore," she nodded to his watch. It had just passed midnight.

"Don't you know birthdays don't end until you go to sleep?"

She looked down at her feet. "I'm ready for it to be over." She looked back up at him. "What is it you want Ed?"

"I don't know...I guess I don't want you to be alone on your birthday."

"I'm alone every other night, why should tonight be different?"

The question was like a dagger, but he replied, "Because you're going to sit up all night with a glass of wine and all those pictures of you and your mom...and I don't want you to."

"Ed...you can't just come over like this. I'm not ready for us to be friends. I'm not ready to look at you and not..." she closed her eyes briefly. "Please, go." She reopened her eyes. "Don't make this day more painful than it's been."

He nodded and stepped back. "Okay, I'll go." But he didn't walk away, and she didn't shut the door. He was staring at the floor. "Did...was...was he here?"

"Who?" She asked, leaning against the door jamb and staring into thin air, anywhere but at him.

"The guy that you dated last week. Any...any guy." When she didn't answer, he finally glanced up at her, his head still angled down. He watched her as her eyes bore into the wall and she bit the inside of her cheek.

"Can we not..." she started, but broke off.

"Okay," he said. He dropped his eyes to the floor again, and made a move to leave.

"No, he wasn't," she answered. He stopped and looked at her. She still wouldn't look at him though. He took a step to her. "Please go," she whispered. She looked so unhappy, he just wanted to be near her, to see her smile again.

"Liv."

She shook her head. "Don't." He moved closer again. "Please," she said, her voice painful. He stood in front of her and raised a hand out to place on her arm, but didn't touch her. "Ed, please, please just leave." But she didn't close the door on him, or pull away, so he put his hand to her arm.

"Don't be miserable."

"You made me this way," she said shakily.

"And I can make you happy, too," he said beside her ear, wanting desperately to put his lips to her skin.

"I...I can't..." She circled away from him to put space between them. She was in the apartment and he was in the doorway. He watched her. "I can't be near you. It hurts to be near you."

"I know that," he said through clenched teeth. "Believe me, I get it." He waited, then stepped forward and pushed the door shut. "But it hurts more to not be near you." He moved to her, and she stepped back. She hugged herself tightly and closed her eyes as he took another step forward. He returned his hand to her arm. "I just...want to be here," he said, this time letting his lips brush her cheek. A pained moan sounded from the back of her throat as she fought between leaning into him and pulling away. He held her face still so she couldn't turn from him. She struggled with him, but he didn't give in.

"Please," she begged again, barely above a whisper. "I told you...not to touch me again."

He reluctantly let go, stepped backwards, and watched her hug herself. "Tell me once more to leave, and I will," he said. She still kept her eyes closed, but didn't tell him to go. He saw the internal struggle going on in her head. "I'm here, baby," he said, in the same tone that she was once defenseless against. He put his fingers to her elbow and pulled her close, then pressed his mouth to hers. She didn't respond at first, but then she did. She kissed him back. Still defenseless.

His hands moved between them and unclenched her arms from her chest. He pulled them to her sides, drew his hands around her, and pulled her tight to him. Her hands found the sides of his shirt and grasped the cloth. The desperate needy kiss lasted for quite a while, then he took a moment to breathe, not letting her go. "I'm here," he said again.

"I hate you," she said in a tight whisper against his face.

"I love you," he replied. Unsure of who was guiding who, they made their way to her couch and lost themselves in each others arms.