Bolin remembered the dream. He remembered the lava ocean, the combustion benders, the helpless citizens of the Ba Sing Se that wasn't Ba Sing Se sinking in agony toward immeasurable depths. He remembered casting the wave down. He had set it against the combustion benders at his own expense.
He remembered being crushed.
The whole world had gone dark beneath the colossal wave, and even when he tried to open his eyes he couldn't see. He could feel, though. He could feel the terror of the people who weren't people, those who had sunk beneath the waves and conveyed their horror through strange vibrations in the earth. He could hear shouting and crying, but the sounds were distorted as though he was under water. Through it all, he thought he could hear someone calling his name.
It was all black. It was all hazy. He couldn't focus his senses. All he could do was lay helpless beneath the cooling rock and feel its enormous weight bearing down on him. His breaths came in slow shallow gasps, and his heartbeat, the heartbeat he'd felt so strong before, had slowed and weakened so that the time between breaths and beats seemed to last forever.
In the dark dream, he thought about Mako, about the corpse he had seen and the burial and the explosion and his own subsequent hysteria in trying to find the culprit. He'd been so driven. But then he'd fallen apart. He'd been attacked. His brain had stopped working, had stopped focusing on the things that should have been important. He'd all but forgotten. He thought of a time outside of the dream, a time he couldn't have measured in his wildest imagination, when someone had said something about finding Mako. He remembered the words: What happens if we find Mako? They rolled over and over in his mind.
Bring him back.
It'll be a pleasant surprise.
Someone was calling his name.
It sounded like Mako. But it had been so long since Bolin had heard his brother's voice that he couldn't be sure. He couldn't place the sound. He couldn't remember Mako's voice. He wasn't even sure he could remember Mako's face.
He hated himself.
All at once the hardening ground seemed to shift around him. It was an earthquake. He knew. He could feel it in the vibrations. It shook his whole body and forced him to catch his breath. Then it quaked again, stronger this time, and Mako's voice came in more clearly.
He had to find him.
He had to bring him home.
Mako was calling his name.
Another quake. The call strengthened. Something was pulling him from beneath the rock. Someone was lifting the pressure.
He could breathe.
Mako was calling his name.
Bolin woke with a gasp so sharp it stung, and before he ever registered that he was lying down or that half a dozen people had crowded around him, he bolted upright.
Or he tried to.
Someone was holding him down, a pair of steely strong hands planted firmly on his shoulder and the middle of his chest. A second pair grasped his ankles. Another pair held his wrists. They were cold. They were all cold. He fought against them. All he wanted to do was sit up.
"Stay down, son."
Bolin looked around at faces that seemed utterly foreign. He blinked, confused, and willed his eyes to focus, but they darted about uncontrolled. It made him dizzy. Or was that the pressure in his chest? Or was it the enormous weight pinning him to the floor?
He panicked and pulled against the restraints, but he made no headway. Whatever had pinned him was too strong. Or he was too weak. He didn't know.
He closed his eyes and tugged against it again.
"You can't go back to sleep."
It was the same voice that had told him to stay down. It was the same one that had pulled him from the dream, the same one he'd mistaken for Mako.
It wasn't Mako.
"Open your eyes." A different voice. A soft voice.
Someone was crying.
"Asami, now." A tense, brusque voice.
Bolin was too panicked to register the words, and as he pulled futilely against the hands it seemed that someone was trying to force something to his lips. He jerked away, terrified.
"Hold him!" A desperate, frightened voice.
Yet another pair of hands grabbed him and held his head firmly in place. Their palms clamped over his ears like a metal vise. He gasped again, tried to find his strength again, but was caught off guard when the liquid came in. Someone's hand clapped over his mouth, someone's fingers pinched his nose, and suddenly he couldn't breathe. He was going to drown. He was going to suffocate.
He swallowed, and the hands let go. He coughed pitifully.
Then it happened again, and he thought he would drown again. And then a third time. And a fourth. And a fifth.
By the time it stopped all the fight had gone out of him. There wasn't enough energy to pull away, to resist against whatever bonds were holding him to the ground. There wasn't enough energy to sustain the panic. So, he just laid there, listening to the incoherent mumbling and struggling to breathe. He laid there and listened to Opal crying.
And then it hit him.
Opal.
Opal was crying.
Bolin opened his eyes again and looked between the people with new recognition. Lin's blurry face floated directly over his own, upside-down, and Su was beside her. And Tenzin was opposite Su.
When had he gotten there?
Korra and Asami sat at his waist. He could see Opal crying at his feet with Pabu cuddled around her neck, and now he had stopped struggling she pressed her forehead into his knees and wrapped her arms around his legs. She hugged him as tightly as she could.
An entirely new kind of terror flooded his mind. What had just happened? When did he end up on the floor? Last thing he remembered he'd thrown up. Last thing he remembered his body had begun feeling heavy. And then he was in the dream.
"Oh, thank goodness," Su said, and her head dropped with what looked to Bolin like exhaustion. Her voice was shaking. "Thank goodness..."
"I wouldn't be thanking anything yet," Lin said, and then she looked down at him. "Can you understand me, kid?"
Bolin nodded, and though his head moved only a fraction of an inch, the motion took enormous energy. He felt so tired.
"Good. You know what happened?"
He shook his head no.
"You passed out. Again. Came in here and puked, grabbed your chest, then dropped like a sack of bricks. We thought your heart stopped."
Bolin just stared at her.
"What's he at now?" Su asked, and Lin tucked her fingers under Bolin's chin, pressed them against his throat, and waited. "Is it better?"
"Fifty-five," said Lin after a few seconds. "Definitely better than it was." She looked down at him. "When you went down it was at thirty."
"Fifty-five is still low," Tenzin remarked.
Bolin wondered again when Tenzin had shown up.
"You were gone for a while," Lin continued. "We didn't think you were coming back. We couldn't get anything into you."
Opal sobbed harder. He could feel her trembling through his feet.
"Look, I need you to answer some questions, and I need you to level with me. No lying. No trying to dodge. You'll be in more trouble if you lie to me than you will if you say something we don't like. Do you understand?"
Bolin nodded.
"You told Asami you ate last night, right?"
He nodded again.
"Did you really?"
He nodded again.
"Did you keep it down?"
For the tiniest moment, Bolin's brow furrowed. Why was she asking him this? Was she trying to shame him again? How many times did they have to rub his nose in his failures?
"Did you keep it down?" Lin seemed on the edge of angry.
He shook his head no.
Lin, Su, and Tenzin exchanged very worried, very parental looks.
"You didn't eat anything else yesterday?" Su asked gently, and again Bolin shook his head.
"The day before?" Tenzin asked.
No.
"The day before that?"
No.
He'd forgotten.
He hadn't been hungry.
It hadn't been on purpose.
He just didn't want to keep puking. Or feeling like he was going to.
The familiar heat of embarrassment came back when they exchanged another meaningful look, except this time he didn't have the energy to hide it.
"Four days," Lin said, and she spoke as if Bolin couldn't hear her, like he wasn't even present. "At least four days. It's no wonder things went south so fast. If I'd had any idea I wouldn't have had him lavabending. I wouldn't have had him out of bed at all." Then she looked back down at him. "You kept down anything solid lately?"
No.
Opal sobbed.
"You making yourself puke?"
Confused, Bolin just laid there, staring at her.
"Are you doing it on purpose?" Lin asked again, and this time it was exceptionally stern. She spoke with intentional clarity, with emphasis on every single word.
No.
"You kept down any liquids?"
Yes.
"Good, that's a start, anyway. Asami, Korra, I want more of whatever it was you gave him earlier. Now. Bring it all."
Bolin felt them let go his wrists, and he watched them rise and depart. He looked at Opal, still crying. He wanted to sit up and comfort her, but when he tried Tenzin pushed him gently back down. Bolin didn't have the strength to fight against him.
"Not yet," he said. "You need to lay down."
With a deep, resigned breath, Bolin closed his eyes. But Lin patted him roughly on the face, and he looked back up at her. He wanted to cry.
"You're not going back to sleep, either," Lin said gruffly. "So, don't bother trying."
He looked to Opal again, and this time, she looked back. Her face looked like she'd been crying for days.
"Opal," Su said quietly, "why don't you and Lin switch. Would that help? I don't think we need to hold him down any more."
Opal stifled another sob, but she nodded all the same. Then Bolin's bare feet were back on the floor and he could feel all manner of strange sensations through them, all the relief and fear and tension in every body in the room, Korra and Asami disappearing down the hall. Pabu hopped onto his middle and settled down, warm and comfortable. Bolin closed his eyes again, and Lin hit him again.
"No," she commanded. She spoke the word like he was a misbehaved dog. And then she rose, and as she walked away she said, "Opal, don't let him drift."
In all the hours of all the days and nights he'd spent staring at Opal's always changing expressions, he'd never seen the one she wore when she appeared over him then. It was a look that went beyond fear and beyond confusion. He imagined it was the same look a sick old woman would give her husband on his death bed. She looked as tired as he felt. It scared him.
It took every ounce of strength for him to reach toward her, to put his hand on her face, and he thought that she would burst into tears all over again. Driven by the need to comfort her, he wrapped his hand around the back of her head, pulled her weakly down, and kissed her.
She stayed there long enough for Bolin to consider the sudden strangeness of the whole situation. He'd lost count of the different ways he'd kissed Opal over the years, but upside down was certainly new, and certainly interesting, and perhaps something to try at a time when he was more than half-conscious and slightly farther from death. He'd never imagined kissing her in front of Su, not on the lips, not open-mouthed, and he had never in his wildest dreams entertained that he might ever do it in front of Tenzin and Lin.
But there he was, all the same.
And he hadn't thought twice about it.
At last she pulled away from him, and the look she wore rested somewhere between embarrassed, dumbfounded, and desirous. "You know my mother is watching us," she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. She touched his cheek gently. "And you know Aunt Lin and Tenzin are right here, don't you?"
He didn't care. He wanted to say the words, but he couldn't produce a sound. So, he drew her down a second time, and whatever reservation had existed prior seemed to disappear. He heard Lin groan, exasperated, and at the same time he heard Su utter an 'oh dear' that seemed both impressed and lightly startled, but if Opal heard or cared she gave no indication. They shared the same kiss they had shared hundreds of times in private with the same passion and intensity and meaning and drive as it always had, and by the time she pulled away again, both her hands were on his face and she had gone quite breathless.
She smiled down at him, but all he could produce in reply was the weakest twitch of a smirk. That was all he had the energy for. He was still too tired.
"I love you," Opal whispered, and she gave a pathetic sniffle.
He would have pulled her down again, except he heard Asami utter, "Wow. That was romantic," and he glanced startled toward the door. She was carrying a glass and a pitcher, and wore a fascinated smile. Beside her, Korra stood stone-faced and wide-eyed. Bolin couldn't tell if she looked more like she was going to cry or vomit or faint.
"All right, lovebirds, that's enough," Lin said dryly. "Let's get you sitting."
Before Bolin could react, Su and Tenzin had grabbed him beneath his arms and slid him toward Opal. She pulled him up, wrapped her arm around his waist, and held him against her. Pabu fell into his lap.
Dizzy and exhausted, Bolin laid his head on Opal's shoulder.
"No sleeping," Lin ordered. "Look at me."
He looked, but he didn't lift his head.
"You're going to pass out again if you don't get something in you and keep it there. And you might not be so lucky to wake up next time. Do you understand that?"
He nodded.
"Then don't fight us on this." Lin paused, and Bolin pressed his face into Opal's neck. "Asami, let's go."
Bolin didn't fight, and three painfully slow, disgustingly sweet glasses later it seemed that the lot of them were placated, and though he felt a bit of life coming back,healso feltlike he'd throw up again. But they stopped forcing things into him. They turned their attention elsewhere, and it seemed that amongst tense talk of twenty-four-hour surveillance and liquid diets and force-feeding and departure to Zaofu, Bolin himself had been forgotten. Everything had gone quiet, and everyone seemed to have calmed.
He wanted to sleep, but every time he began to drift Opal would shake him gently and whisper words at him he didn't really hear. And even if Opal's constant prodding wasn't enough, every so often Lin would call over at them to check that he was awake, and unless he made direct eye contact with her she would walk over and toe him gently in the leg with her boot until he did. He imagined she meant well, in her own way. It just wasn't like Lin to care so much.
As he lay, he noticed a pattern of words used among the talking, words that were unflattering but diplomatic: unstable, troubled, sick, depressed, and they all seemed to be used when discussing him. He was certain they knew he could hear: When Lin uttered the word suicidal Tenzin, Su, Korra, and Asami had all shushed her severely, and it hadn't been used again. And there were other words, too, words like shut down and damagedand all in his head and serious and starvation, and for some reason Su kept talking about his feet. It could have been worse, he thought. She could have been talking about his breakdown.
Bolin couldn't have guessed what time it was when they all approached again. He'd been so content to simply lay with Opal that he hadn't considered it.
"Sweetheart, I need to talk to you," Su said, and she knelt and touched his face. "I need to talk to you and then you can go to sleep, okay?"
He looked at her, and she smiled at him. He didn't smile back. He wasn't pleased with her. She was holding his rest hostage for a conversation.
"Are you feeling any better?" she asked.
He nestled back into Opal's neck.
"I'll take that as a yes." Su sighed, and Bolin wasn't going to correct her. "Well, we've all been talking for a while and trying to figure out what to do to help you. I'm sorry that you didn't have a say in the matter, but at this point it can't really be helped." She paused and put her hand on his back. "Are you listening to me?"
Again, he looked at her. It was all the indication he could give.
"You're going to go back to Air Temple Island for a few days while I make arrangements to get you to Zaofu. Then, when you're a little stronger, you're going to come home with me and I'm going to take care of you. I think that we can both agree that that's the best thing, don't you think?"
He didn't move. Pabu had started licking the back of his hand.
"And here's the part you're going to take issue with," she paused again. "While you're on Air Temple Island, you'll be on bed rest, and we're going to have someone sit with you. Someone will be with you all the time until you come home with me, even when you sleep and even when you go to the bathroom. Do you understand? And someone is going to bring you food and make sure you actually eat."
He narrowed his eyes dangerously at her, but didn't have the energy to maintain the glare.
"That's what I thought. Now, I realize that this is... Delicate... But I want you to be as comfortable as possible. I'm happy to let Opal stay overnight with you in the boy's dormitory if it'll help. Tenzin gave the okay, too."
He felt Opal shift nervously beneath him, and she looked between him and Su confusedly. Her heart had begun to pound. "Mom?"
"You heard me," Su said sternly to Opal. "You can sleep. You cannot sleep. I don't care. Granted, I doubt he'll have enough energy to do much besides rest for the few days he's there."
He felt the heat rush into Opal's face, and a similar heat rushed into his own. It was embarrassing. Su had no right to make those kinds of remarks about him, especially not with an audience. He didn't want her to mock him in front of everyone. She didn't know what he could do. She didn't know how much energy he did or didn't have.
He pressed his face back into Opal's neck. He wanted to disappear.
"So, Opal will stay with you overnight," Su continued, apparently unfazed by their reactions. "Korra and Asami will take turns days and evenings. If they've got to take care of business in the city, then Tenzin or Pema will cover."
The embarrassment lingered. It shifted. Bolin felt like he was going to cry again. He didn't want to be watched. He didn't want to be babysat. He wasn't a child. Didn't they see that this wouldn't help anything? Didn't they see that this would just make him feel worse?
"I know this is hard," Su said, and she rubbed his back. "I know this isn't what you want, but we have to make sure that you're safe before anything else. We have to get you healthy again."
He stifled a sob and covered his face, and when Pabu whimpered at him Opal tightened her hold. He didn't want them to see him cry. It was the same as it had been in the hallway. Everyone was staring at him. Everyone was watching him. He could feel them. He could feel their anxiety. But this time he didn't have the energy to hide. He didn't have the energy to tremble. All the anger had gone out of him. All the indignation had gone out of him, and all that was left was stark reality.
He'd brought this on himself.
He should've hid it better.
He should've been a better liar.
He shouldn't have opened up to Korra.
He shouldn't have waked in the hospital.
"And Lin explained to us what else happened today, about how the combustion bender threatened you. You're not strong enough to protect yourself right now. You know that as much as I do. Getting you out of the city is the safest thing we can do."
He let go a shaky breath.
"Now, will you work with us?"
He didn't answer. He was too caught up imagining how awful the next days would be. He would be all but imprisoned. The privacy he had enjoyed since coming home would be gone. There would be no more training in the morning, no more practicing waterbending, no more meditation, no more walks outside, no more quiet. There was no more choice. It would all be decided for him.
"Bolin, will you try?"
He had no choice, so he nodded, and as he moved he felt warm wetness around his eyes and on Opal's neck, and he suddenly found himself working hard to control his breathing. He desperately didn't want to cry again. Not in front of everyone.
"You've been awake for a couple hours now. Do you want to try to sleep?"
For a moment Bolin did nothing. He was conflicted. The sooner he slept the sooner the day would come, and then he would be locked in his room with constant supervision and force-feeding and inescapable embarrassment. But he was so tired. He could barely stay sitting, had begun relying almost completely on Opal to hold him upright, and even now he found himself fighting to stay awake. If he was asleep, he wouldn't hear what they were saying about him. If he was asleep he wouldn't have to face the horrible, horrible truth.
He'd proved them right.
He'd proved all of them right.
Another sob bubbled to the surface, and Bolin worked hard to hold it in. He turned his forehead into Opal's shoulder, and she hugged him still tighter. Pabu chittered. Bolin shuddered. He didn't want to make a choice, and yet he recognized that this was likely the last real choice he would make for himself for a long, long time. Everything hereafter would be scripted. Everything would be planned by whatever people were in charge of his supervision at the time. Every decision from here on out would provide nothing more than the illusion of choice.
"Bolin?" Su asked again, gentler still. "Do you want to sleep?"
Yes.
"Do you want to try to walk to the sofa or should we carry you?"
Sudden, unyielding shame stopped his thoughts dead in his brain. The illusion had already begun. He could try to walk. How could he have missed the language Su had used? He could barely sit up without help: How could anyone expect him to stand? How could anyone expect him to walk? He would stumble and fall and embarrass himself even more, and everyone would touch him again, and they would coddle him again, and they would talk to him in that horrible, pitying voice that everyone seemed to be using.
He didn't want it.
He hated himself.
But the alternative was no better. He shouldn't need to be carried at all. He couldn't remember a time he'd been unable to move under his own power, not even as a kid on the street. Every time he'd been sick or hurt or tired he'd gotten to his bed-or whatever pile of junk served as his bed-on his own steam. Mako had never had to carry him, not once. And who would carry him now? Lin? Su? Some combination of Korra and Asami and Opal? There was no way they would be able to lift him independently, even with his diminished weight. If the girls were to do it, they'd have to hold him by his arms and his feet and lug him across the room like a rolled-up carpet. The only other choice was Tenzin, and the thought of being carried like a baby by him was even more emasculating than the thought of being carried by the girls.
"I need you to communicate with me, sweetheart," Su said, and she brushed his shoulder with the same gentle touch she had used to mollify him when he broke down in the hallway.
He had the sudden urge to hit her. He didn't want her to touch him like that, all motherly like she cared at all. He didn't want her pity. He didn't want her comfort. She was going to lock him up.
He didn't act on the impulse.
"Even if you don't talk, I need you to let me know what you want," Su continued. But she clipped the final word short, and through her touch Bolin could feel her anxiety mounting. "Are you okay?" she whispered. "You're going all tense again."
Bolin drew two enormous breaths to ready himself to speak. "I want..." he stopped. He was tired of hearing such a strange, feeble voice coming out of his mouth in barely more than a whisper. He wanted to sound like himself again instead of some timid, depressed little boy. "I want to... To sleep on the floor."
He felt them staring at him again, but didn't know if it was because of what he said or the fact that he had said it at all, and he wished he'd just stayed silent.
"We can't let you sleep on the floor," Su said. "It won't be comfortable for you, you won't rest well."
The illusion of choice.
What did it matter.
"Then carry me."
He'd spoken with more power that time, power generated by searing hatred and embarrassment and spite. He'd spat the words the same way he'd done when he confessed in the hall. But Su didn't say 'oh dear' again and she didn't recoil away from him.
"Okay," she said, and she lifted Pabu from his middle.
And then, to his great horror, Tenzin picked him up like a baby and transferred him back to the sofa.
The moment he'd been set down, Bolin turned his back to the room, curled up, and buried his face as far into the cushions as he could. He was ashamed. He covered what remained of his face with his arms and simply laid there. Someone-Tenzin or Su, most likely-covered him, and a few moments later Pabu jumped up and sat on his thigh. But Bolin didn't want the company. When Pabu nosed him in the arm, he pushed him gently away, and when Pabu tried a second time, Bolin pushed him away again. With a pathetic whine, the fire ferret curled up behind Bolin's knees and lay silent.
Again, he could hear people talking, but now his feet were off the ground he couldn't feel them anymore. It was harder to understand what they were saying. All Bolin knew was that they no longer sounded afraid or angry or nervous. The voices sounded sad now, and that made him sad, too.
He pulled the blanket over his head and cried as silently as he could, and by the time Opal had come to keep him company he was spent. Part of him wanted her to go away, but part of him wanted her to stay. Too exhausted to make the decision, he laid there in quiet and pretended to be asleep.
A melancholic pall seemed to have fallen over Air Temple Island, seemed to follow Bolin wherever he went, and the very moment he'd been put back in his room there came a marked change in everyone's behavior: Meelo and Rohan stopped running and playing in the halls, Jinora spent more time in her own room losing herself in books, Ikki wandered more often to the far reaches of the island, and even Tenzin and Pema seemed more reserved than usual. Asami stayed away unless it was her turn to watch, and Opal seemed generally hesitant to even enter Bolin's room.
Korra had watched him sleep the first eight hours he was back on the island, waking him at intervals, and it had been an entirely uninteresting time. An acolyte brought a glass of some thick, light green liquid, and though it had taken a long time and some mild threatening on Korra's part, Bolin drank it. Three hours later came a red liquid of the same consistency, and Bolin had seemed even more agitated about it than the green one. The whole while Korra couldn't be sure if he was upset because people kept waking him up or because people were monitoring his every move.
She imagined that she'd be upset too, if she was in his position.
Asami arrived that afternoon with a Pai Sho board and two large books under her arm, and Korra briefed her on the day's news, or what little there was. Then Asami had kissed her lovingly on the cheek and closed the door. Korra lingered long enough to hear Asami greet Bolin cheerfully, and then to hear Asami's voice deflate when Bolin didn't respond.
He hadn't talked to Korra, either.
He hadn't talked to anyone.
The second day brought little improvement. After her morning meditation, Korra entered his room to find him and Opal sitting on the bed with an uncomfortable distance between them, each with their knees up, their arms resting on their knees, and their chins resting on their arms. It was so silent when Korra entered that even Pabu didn't make a sound from his place on the pillow, and Opal didn't say goodbye when she left.
The same as she had the day before, Korra sat on the floor against the wall, and prepared herself for another eight to ten hours of complete silence.
"You can sit on the bed."
Korra thought for a moment that she had imagined the words, but when she looked up, startled, Bolin was clearly looking at her, had clearly raised his head. He still looked angry and sad and generally ill-tempered, but he'd spoken to her all the same, and Korra wasn't about to argue.
She took a seat at the foot of the bed with her back against the wall, hugged her knees to her chest, and they sat in silence. Bolin didn't even protest when the acolytes brought him his food. If anything, he seemed even more pitiful than the day before. He looked defeated.
Asami didn't bring the Pai Sho board that afternoon, and on the third morning, Bolin and Opal looked even more uncomfortable than the second. The space between them seemed to have grown. The mood was so tense that Pabu wasn't even on the bed: he was huddled underneath. Bolin didn't so much as look up when Opal left, and she didn't say goodbye.
Korra found her position at the foot of the bed and didn't bother saying hello. She just put her head down and began the long wait for Asami to show up.
Around noon that day, things suddenly changed. An acolyte dropped off the day's third glass of whatever it was they were feeding him, but Bolin didn't move. He didn't even flinch, and for a few seconds Korra worried that he'd gone unconscious again. But then she reached out to touch him, and he jerked away.
"I'm awake," he said coldly.
"You need to eat," Korra said. "The acolyte just-"
"I don't want it."
Korra shut up. The way he snapped had startled her. "You don't really have a choice," she said gently once she had recovered.
Bolin assumed a posture that Korra hadn't seen in him before, a tense posture that seemed full of energy, like he was ready to burst. And he laughed a bitter, hateful laugh that filled Korra with a sense of extreme foreboding. And then he raised his head and stared at the wall opposite the bed, and Korra knew that the eruption was imminent.
"Isn't that the problem?" he said. "Isn't that the whole problem with all of this? I don't have a choice! I can't decide anything I do anymore! You want me to drink this crap? Fine!" He stood, snatched the glass from the table, and downed it in one. Korra was surprised by how steady he seemed on his feet. He seemed to have regained a little strength, at least. "There. Are you happy now?" he slammed the glass back down so hard that Korra was surprised it didn't shatter. Then he began to pace in front of the bed. "You people have taken everything away from me! I can't even go to the bathroom by myself! And why? Because you all think I'm going to die or kill myself or hurt myself or..." He stalled and gave a cry of frustration, pressed his hands to his forehead.
"To be fair, you did collapse because you-"
"I know! You think I don't know that? I was there! I know exactly what happened! Well, except for the parts I was unconscious for, I don't know what happened then, but I know the rest! I mean, I get it. I really do. I understand why everyone is worried but that's why I kept all this stuff away from you guys! I knew you'd overreact! I knew everyone would freak out!"
"You didn't eat for four days," Korra said, deadpan.
"I tried!"
"You ate a steam bun. Oh boy."
"I still tried! And it's like that means nothing to any of you! And now everyone is tiptoeing around me like I'm going to explode in their faces and nobody will talk to me and everyone is acting all afraid of me. Or afraid for me, I don't know which. Everyone is avoiding me! I hate it! I can't make any decisions for myself anymore! Nobody trusts what I say about myself! Nobody trusts what I say about anything! Opal won't even touch me! She's the only reason that I'm even trying right now and she won't even hug me, she won't even hold my hand, never mind trying anything else! It's like she's afraid she's going to break me or something! I mean, I'm glad she gets to spend the nights in here but what good is it if we don't get to spend the nights together? I'm...I'm frustrated and angry and I really just need to-"
He stopped very suddenly, stopped almost mid-step and looked at the ground, and Korra's heart jumped to her throat. He turned, and for a moment she thought he might aim his tirade at her directly, but instead of continuing to rant, he cast a look on her that harkened back to his first few days out of the hospital, the days of total, brain-dead confusion.
"Why am I even saying this to you?" He asked, and his voice had gone to disbelief. He didn't seem embarrassed, but he did seem surprised at himself, like he'd not meant to say what he had said out loud. "Every time I tell you anything it gets me in trouble. Why am I talking to you about this?"
Korra wasn't sure what to say. She didn't know why he was talking about it either. He'd never discussed his relationship with Opal with her before, and while Korra had certainly made some safe assumptions about their status, he'd never confirmed them so directly. The whole thing had her feeling mildly uncomfortable, especially when she remembered the kiss he'd given her the night of the collapse. It had been the same kiss he'd shared with Opal when he was laying half dead on the floor. She hadn't realized that truth until she'd seen it from the outside. But now she knew what that kiss really meant, and whenever she thought about it the flutter came back stronger than ever.
She shifted her position on the bed, nervous. The anxious bubble was inflating in her stomach again, spreading its strange and juvenile warmth through her middle.
"I don't know," she said at last with a tiny stammer. "I don't know why you're talking to me about this."
He sat heavily back down on the edge of the bed and dropped his forehead into his hands. It seemed that the anger had faded and left exhaustion in its place. "I mean... You know what I'm talking about. You know what it's like. Opal and I haven't seen each other for what... A month? We haven't been alone together for weeks and now we've got time and privacy and we even have the luxury of a door and a bed and she won't even consider it!" The cry of frustration came weaker this time, and he shook his head helplessly.
Korra felt even more unsure what to say now. He had put her on the spot. He was trying to empathize. It was a step in the right direction, sure, but she had no idea how to make a connection. She floundered, she stammered a bit, and she began to fidget. She felt a little embarrassed. "Bolin...I might not be the best person to talk to about..." She stopped. For some reason the words caught in her throat.
Bolin pulled himself the rest of the way onto the bed and turned to face Korra again. He didn't look angry anymore. Now, he looked somewhere between curious and concerned. "You understand what it's like...Don't you?"
"No," Korra replied, and she was surprised by how honestly the word had come out. "I don't know what you mean at all."
Bolin went very pale, and for a moment Korra worried he might faint again. "You mean..." he stammered. "You mean you and Mako never...?"
"No."
"And you and Asami haven't..."
"No."
"Oh..." Bolin looked down at the blanket bashfully, and now he was fidgeting, too. The color had come back into his face. A little too much color had come back into his face. He'd gone pink. "Then I guess this just got a little awkward."
He backed up to the wall, drew his knees to his chest again, and dropped his head down. It was the same defeated, depressed position he'd sat in for the last three days.
"I can talk to her, if you want," Korra said.
"And what exactly are you going to say?" The attitude had come back. His voice had taken on an edge of anger and sarcasm. "Last time you told someone what I said I ended up on house arrest."
"You're not on house arrest. And I don't know what I would say. I don't know how to bring up the idea at all. But I can try, if you want."
Bolin just shook his head. Korra could see him deflating. She felt guilty.
"You're supposed to be leaving for Zaofu tomorrow," Korra reasoned, and she leaned her head against the wall. She stared at the ceiling, trying to think. "And you know that Opal is going to stay here so she can go with Asami and me. We had that planned a long time ago. So tonight is the last time you're going to see her for at least a few days, maybe a week."
"I know, I know. Don't remind me."
"I'll talk to her this evening. I'll see what I can do to get her to ease up a little."
Bolin looked nervous, now.
"I'll be delicate," Korra said, reassuringly. "I'm not just going to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, Opal, you know Bolin wants-'"
"I get it," Bolin interrupted. "I get it."
"You used to trust me," Korra said sadly. "Just, trust me again a little bit, okay?"
Bolin looked at her, his face gone blank. "I just want things to be normal again," he sighed. Then he laid his head back on his arms.
The silence lasted until Korra left.
Korra made her way directly to Opal's room in the girl's dormitory, the room she'd been assigned but almost never occupied. She looked tired but still sat on the bed staring at a book without turning the pages. It was clear she wasn't reading it. When Korra entered, she looked up sleepily.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey," Korra replied. "I just thought I'd check in with you."
It wasn't a total lie.
"Oh," Opal said. "Well, here I am. Jinora gave me this book to read but I think I'm just too tired."
The opportunity was too good to pass up. "Too tired to read, huh? Not been getting much sleep?" Korra had meant the words to come out a playful tease, a way to open the door into the difficult conversation, but the look Opal gave her shut the thought down at once.
"No," Opal said tersely. "I haven't."
"Oh."
Awkward silence.
"So," Korra pressed on, "we're leaving tomorrow. Are you ready to go?"
Opal shrugged and looked back down at the book. "As ready as I'm going to be, considering we don't really know what we're getting into."
Awkward silence.
"I don't want to be rude, but did you need something?" Opal said after a few seconds. She didn't sound upset, but Korra knew that she was catching on to the fact that this wasn't just a friendly visit. "Because you're acting kind of weird."
"Oh, well, I uh," Korra stammered, then she left off lamely.
"Well you uh what?"
"I was just wondering how things are," Korra said at last, "between you... And Bolin... Lately."
Korra couldn't tell if Opal looked indignant or confused. Her face screwed up for just a moment before she relaxed again, and then Opal looked down at the book with a somewhat melancholy expression.
"Not great," she said quietly. "But I guess that's to be expected."
"I guess," Korra agreed. "He paid you a really nice compliment this morning."
"Oh? He talked to you?"
Korra nodded, but was nervous. She wondered if he had talked to Opal. He hadn't talked to Asami, hadn't talked to the acolytes, and hadn't talked to either Tenzin or Pema since returning to the island. It wasn't unreasonable to think he'd treat Opal the same way.
"Yeah," Korra said.
Opal watched her expectantly for a moment, and then said, "Well? Are you going to tell me what he said?"
Korra floundered. She didn't exactly want to use Bolin's words-they hadn't been particularly uplifting-but she also didn't want to get caught in an outright lie. "Well," she said slowly, "he said that you're the reason he's hanging on."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Korra sighed. "He loves you," she said, and the flutter erupted in her stomach again. "And he wants things to be as normal as they can between the two of you. That's what he said."
Again, the confused, indignant look.
"Look," Korra's voice went very serious, "everything in his life is really messed up right now. Everybody knows that. And you're the only person who can provide him some stability. You're the only thing in his life that's remained the same through this whole mess. You're his foundation, and if you're shaky then he's not going to be able to rebuild."
Opal didn't say anything. She just stared at Korra and wore much the same expression that Bolin took on when he'd been offended or confused. It was endearing, in a way, how much the two had rubbed off on each other. Again, Korra felt the tiniest bit of jealousy.
"Just...Just think about it, okay?" Korra said. And then she left without affording Opal the chance to respond.
Korra spent the rest of the evening in her room, preparing to depart for the Boiling Rock investigation. Tenzin had mentioned that such a trip might take four or five days, so she packed a bag with clothes and provisions to account for six. It never hurt to be over prepared.
Asami came in well after dinner time. She looked exhausted, and she flopped down on Korra's bed without uttering a word and draped her arm over her eyes.
"That bad?" Korra asked.
"He's just so quiet," Asami replied. "It's weird. It's creepy! I don't like it at all. And sitting there for such a long time, it's tiring."
"I know," Korra agreed. "But I think him going to Zaofu will do a lot of good for everyone. It'll give him time to recover and it'll let all of us stop tiptoeing around the fact that Mako might be out there somewhere."
"I hope we find him."
"I do, too."
They lay in the quiet for a while.
"So, Bolin and Opal are pretty serious, then," Asami said quietly, as though the thought had just struck her.
"Yeah," Korra said, downcast. "They're pretty serious."
"Well, good for them," Asami said.
"Yeah. Good for them."
They fell into quiet again.
As she lay on the bed with Asami at her feet, Korra couldn't help but compare their relationship to Bolin and Opal's, and she couldn't help but see the shortcomings. Of course, they had been together far longer than she and Asami had, but even when they first met they seemed to have had a comfort with each other that Korra worried she would never feel with Asami. It wasn't to say that Asami made her uncomfortable, but it seemed to be a different kind of comfort. Where Korra and Asami might spill their darkest secrets to one another, Bolin and Opal would live them together.
Or they might have before the collapse.
All at once Korra sat upright, an idea in her head that hadn't been there before, and she watched Asami laying there and wondered why they shouldn't be able to share the same sort of connection. She wondered if perhaps it was time to move forward.
"Are you okay?" Asami asked. It seemed she had noticed Korra's staring.
"Yeah," Korra replied. She felt herself blushing again, and she looked down. She fidgeted. "I was just thinking... Maybe we..." She paused and drew a deep breath. She was stammering. She sounded stupid. Words weren't going to do the trick.
Asami sat up, her forehead creased with concern. "What's wrong?"
All Korra could do for a long time was look at Asami and wonder why she was so nervous about engaging romantically with her. Yes, she'd had relatively little experience with it, especially with initiating, but it should have been easy. It should have been just as easy as it had once been to kiss Mako.
But it wasn't.
It took every ounce of Korra's willpower to force herself forward, and even as her lips connected with Asami's it felt to her as clumsy and forced and a little bit awkward. The kiss lasted only long enough for Korra to realize that she hadn't done it right.
She'd never kissed a girl before.
She was used to kissing boys, and she was used to the boys taking the lead.
This was going to be more complicated than she thought.
"Well," Asami said, a little breathless, "that was a surprise."
Korra felt her face going a darker shade of red. "Sorry."
Asami laughed. "Don't apologize! I just wasn't expecting that. I thought something really serious was wrong."
"Oh."
"Let's lay down," Asami said softly. "We've got a really long day ahead of us, and an early morning besides."
Korra nodded, and she fell back onto her pillow. Asami fell down beside her, and the two shared a look that Korra could only call intimate. Asami smiled in a way that Korra hadn't seen before. And then Asami kissed her, and it felt right.
When Korra fell asleep, she felt a little more whole than she had felt before.
Asami woke her at sunrise the next morning with a gentle shake and a kiss on the forehead, and Korra knew that the step had been taken. She sat up with a stretch, and Asami smiled.
"We've got a little under an hour before Su said she wanted to leave for Zaofu," Asami explained. "I'm going to go get us some breakfast, why don't you go get Opal and Bolin and they can come join us. It'll be the last time we see him for a while. It might be nice."
Asami left before Korra could object.
Korra got around very slowly. On days prior she hadn't thought twice about the shift change, but today she did. Today, she was a little nervous. Considering the conversation she'd had with Bolin yesterday, she wasn't exactly sure what she would see. The same as every other day, she greeted the sentries at their posts and knocked gently on the door. When nobody answered, she knocked again a hair louder. And nobody answered again.
She wasn't sure what she expected when she went in the room, but she found herself surprised by the normalcy of it all. There was no hiding that her talk with Opal had worked to great effect. Between the clothes on the floor and their own disheveled appearances, that fact was clear. But there was nothing indecent about what she'd walked in on, not like she had feared there'd be. They were sleeping close beneath the blankets, him behind her, his arm around her middle. It was, apart from the apparent nakedness, the exact position that Bolin had assumed with Korra the night he'd kissed her.
The flutter erupted again. Her stomach felt very warm inside.
If Korra hadn't been sure how to wake Bolin when he was clothed, she certainly didn't know how to do it now.
She cleared her throat.
They didn't move.
She cleared her throat again, louder.
They didn't move again. But this time, Pabu poked his head out from beneath the bed and ran to her happily, skittered up her leg and sat on her shoulder.
"Good morning, Pabu," she said, and she scratched the fire ferret under the chin. "You want to go wake them up for me?"
Pabu licked her finger and jumped down, and then he jumped up on the bed and began nibbling at Bolin's hand. She always found it fascinating how Pabu managed to understand exactly what they wanted him to do.
"Go away, Pabu," Bolin said sleepily, and he brushed Pabu away. But Pabu chittered at him and bit him a little harder, and Bolin opened his eyes, pushed himself up to rest on his elbow, and glared at him. "Pabu, not right now! I'm trying to-"
He interrupted himself with a high pitched yelp the minute he saw Korra standing in the doorway, and his reaction woke Opal, who noticed immediately. She didn't yelp, though. She just stared at Korra with a look of utter panic.
Korra felt herself turning red. "I uh, I was told to come wake you up for breakfast."
By this point, Bolin had yanked the sheets to his neck, and Opal's face had gone to rest. "Oh," said Opal gently. Now she was over her initial fright, she seemed completely normal, as though this scenario was commonplace. "What time is it?"
"A little past seven, I think," Korra replied. "Su wants to leave for Zaofu in an hour or so, so Asami was going to get us all some breakfast to share." She paused awkwardly and looked directly at Bolin. "If you'll eat it, anyway."
Bolin still looked panicked, but it was a different panic than what he'd looked a few nights prior. This was an I'm in trouble panic more than a blind, uncontrollable fear. He looked like a little kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. In a way, Korra thought it was cute.
"Look," Korra said flatly, "I get it. You're in bed together. I don't care. Are you going to come for breakfast or not?"
Opal and Bolin exchanged a look, and Opal shrugged. Then Bolin shrugged. They both looked back to Korra.
"Sure," Opal said. "But we're going to need a few minutes. Can we meet you?"
Korra nodded, and as she closed the door behind her she heard Opal say, "What are you so uptight about anyway?"
She smiled as she walked to the kitchens.
Korra hadn't seen Bolin in such a pleasant mood since before the explosion in Ba Sing Se. He sat at the table and patted Pabu absently on the head, watched them eat, participated at least partly in some of the conversations, and didn't complain when Pema scolded him for being out of bed. To be fair, Pema's heart wasn't in it, so the scolding hadn't been too serious.
More, there was a distinct difference in the way he and Opal interacted, and again Korra couldn't help but compare herself and Asami to them. They were sitting closer, but not too close as to be awkward for the others at the table, and when they bumped each other they didn't apologize. They didn't mention it at all, in fact, which served as more proof of their unconditional comfort with one another.
Opal offered to share her breakfast with Bolin when it came, but he refused and Opal didn't seem bothered. And when Opal asked to try some of Bolin's, he relinquished his glass without hesitation. He didn't even laugh at her when she spat it back out. He simply said, "If you drink it fast enough, you don't taste it," and then downed the whole glass in less than ten seconds while Opal stared disgustedly at him. When he'd finished, he looked back at her and said quite deadpan, "Well, it saves time anyway."
The hour passed quickly, and Korra, Asami, and Opal escorted Bolin to the platform from which Su's airship would depart. Pabu jumped from his shoulder and scampered into the airship, and Su greeted them all pleasantly and hugged them all in turn. She spent a particularly long time looking Bolin up and down before pronouncing that he looked better than he had a few days ago, and though Bolin hadn't said anything in reply, Korra noted that his face had turned pink.
And then it was time to say good-bye. Tenzin, Pema, and the airbender children arrived on the platform and wished them well. To Korra's surprise, Tenzin extended his hand to Bolin in a gesture of fraternal respect, and Bolin had taken it a bit bashfully. Then Pema hugged him, and as soon as she had let go Asami hurled herself forward so forcefully that Bolin stumbled, and she stayed latched on to his front for a solid minute. She threatened him with all manner of punishments if he didn't take care of himself, and then she let him go with an enormous kiss on the cheek, and he went even more pink than he'd been before.
For an awkward moment, Korra looked at him, and he looked at Korra, and it seemed that neither of them really knew what to do. But then he timidly extended his arms and beckoned her forward, and Korra walked into him. The embrace caused the same strong shot of adrenaline to course from her head to her toes, and when he whispered a hushed, "Thank you," in her ear, goosebumps sprang up on her arms. When she pulled away, he wore the same sheepish grin he'd worn the night he'd kissed her, and for the first time, the thought of kissing him back popped unbidden into her brain.
Then it was Opal's turn, and for a few moments they just stood looking at each other. It was a different look than what Bolin and Korra had shared. It was a look that said in every way that they knew what to do, but they weren't sure if it was acceptable in their present company.
"You don't need my permission to kiss each other," Su said dryly. "You certainly didn't seem to need it the other night."
The tension broken, Opal rushed forward and threw her arms around his neck. As if by instinct, his went around her waist, and she buried her head in his chest and he turned his face down. Korra thought she could see him whispering, but there was no way to know what he was saying. When they pulled apart, Opal had gone scarlet again. And then he kissed her.
It was like something straight from a mover, the way he'd done it, and not for the first time Korra found herself surprised by just how capable of romance Bolin was. He'd come in low and swept Opal in, and his hand found its way automatically to her neck, his thumb on her cheek, and they lingered together comfortably.
It felt to Korra that they kissed for an eternity, an eternity that she spent watching and remembering how she had experienced that same kiss, and how it had been so strange and so startling and so warm, and how he'd opened his mouth against hers the same way that he had done to Opal's a thousand times before. She remembered the kiss Asami had given her the night prior, and though it had certainly been pleasant it hadn't given her the same electric feeling that Bolin's had, and Korra wondered if perhaps it was the touch of experience that had set his apart.
Then Bolin and Opal broke apart, and they stared at each other as if it was the last time they'd see each other for a lifetime. At some point, Asami had grabbed Korra's hand and held it tight, and when Korra looked at her, her eyes had taken on a misty look like she was ready to cry.
She could barely hear Bolin say, "I love you."
Opal burst into tears and threw herself at him again, and she held him around his middle and cried into his chest while he shushed her and stroked her head and kissed her hair. When it seemed she had calmed, Bolin tucked his finger under her chin and drew her into another kiss, a shorter kiss, and when he pulled away he grinned lopsidedly.
"I'll see you in a few days," he said, and he brushed the tears from her face. "Okay?"
Opal nodded and rubbed at her face. "I love you."
He grinned and kissed her forehead. "I love you, too."
And then Bolin jammed his hands into his pockets and turned to Su with a shrug, and she motioned him toward her. She wore a look of maternal satisfaction. With one last wave, Su planted her hand in the middle of Bolin's back and walked him silently up the ramp into the airship.
He didn't look back to see Korra trying not to cry.