Crossing Boundaries Chapter 21: Lament, a criminal minds fanfic

Chapter 21: Lament

With little ceremony, I brought my mother and father home to the apartment that had once been the home of Nadya and me. It was strange to come home to an apartment that would no longer have her bright smiling face. Her absence has created a void in the bright atmosphere. I shake my head violently; she would not want me to wallow.

I settle my parents into Nadya's old room. Both of them act with respect towards what was once Nadya's personal space. I reassure them that Nadya will not mind. Once they are settled, I wander down the hall to my room. As exhaustion overcomes me, I collapse into bed and allow sleep to caress me like a gentle lover.

The next morning, I awake to find that mama has made breakfast for the three of us. I enter the kitchen to see my father at the table, practicing his English with the morning paper. I settle into the chair next to my father, and steal a sip of his coffee.

"Your friends are intriguing," mama says from the stove. "Papa and I are pleased that you have found such honorable people." She places a plate piled high food in front of me.

"If only you could have met Nadya, mama. You would have loved her."

My mother must sense the regret that is in my voice because she says sharply, "Anika! Listen to me: Poslije kiše dolazi sunce (After the rain comes sun)."

From behind his paper, my father remarks, "You already have some sun with that young doctor…"

"Papa!" I cry, scandalized that he actually noticed. I had hoped that he had not noticed the silent exchange between Spencer and myself.

"I would not mind having him as a son in law…"

Childishly, I fling a piece of toast my father. Out of habit, he blocks the onslaught with his paper. This has been a traditional breakfast fight technique ever since I was little. "Papa, please don't…" I beg him to be silent on that particular matter.

"All I'm saying, Ani, is that you have more sun around you than you care to admit." He went back to devouring his paper, heedless of the glare that I was giving him.

I retreat to my bedroom so that I can think things over in peace. Somehow, having my parents here makes things seem almost normal. They are holding together the strands of my frayed life that are threatening to fly apart. I understand that I have been blessed with knowing understanding people, but sometimes it does not seem quite right. I am not sure if I would consider the BAU team real friends; not yet at least. We have only really known each other in the capacity of my case, and that is hardly grounds for creating a solid friendship. Sighing, I pick up the phone to finish making Nadya's funeral arrangements.

-.-.-.-

Three days later, the day of Nadya's funeral finally arrives. July has turned into August, bringing with it bright sunshine. Irrationally, I feel that the sun mocks my sadness with its cheeriness. As I walk to the cemetery, I face the reality that I must now bury my best friend. I pause, wondering how Hotch and Gideon feel when they have to bury another fallen comrade.

The entire ceremony is held by Nadya's grave. As I stand at the edge of the grave, the beaded hem of my black dress dances across the grass. This playful breeze then catches the black lace veil which covers my face.

Mama and Papa stand directly behind me; Mama sniffling loudly into a handkerchief while Papa rubs her shoulders. The BAU team is here as well, dressed in somber garb to match their solemn expressions. Everyone's mouth bears the same grim line, and a small part of me wants to go over and smack it right off their faces.

"…and so, Nadya is returned to the Earth that bore her."

The priest finishes the prayer, then nods to me. I release the handful of soil from my fingers and watch it settle on top of Nadya's coffin. Next, I toss a single orange lily before the gravediggers begin to cover the coffin. Orange lilies were always Nadya's favorite.

It is the first shovelful of soil that breaks my fragile strength. The tears that I have been holding back all week pour down my face with the violence of water breaking a dam. I fall to my knees beside the grave and mourn freely. Between my sobs, my voice hitches in a haunting lament:

"Fear no more the heat o' the sun

Nor the furious winters' rages;

Thou thy worldly task hast done,

Home art gone…

Fear no more the frown o' th' great'

Thou art past the tyrant's stroke

Care no more to clothe and eat;

To thee the reed is as the oak.

The scepter, learning, physic, must

All follow this and come to dust."

Only vaguely am I aware of the team leaving me alone with Nadya. The gravediggers have since filled in the grave, and I am left with a mound of grassless soil. I press my hand to the top, and whisper, "I'm so sorry Nadya. I'm so sorry I dragged you into this mess."

A light breeze shifts my veil, alerting me to a presence. I lift my tearstained face to find Spencer selling down beside me on the grass. He says nothing to me. Instead, he wraps an arm about my shoulders in comfort. After a time, he says to me, "There's no need to blame yourself for this. I think everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see why." He idly strokes my hair before continuing. "You have a saying, one that I think goes, 'Bez muke nema nauke.'"

Weakly I smile at his words. "Without suffering there is no learning. Someone's been brushing up on their Croatian."

"Its not easy. In all seriousness though, don't let this undo you. You've worked too hard to get what you want to let it all go. You got out of the immigrant ghetto and you've got a ballet studio for kids that's doing quite well I hear."

I look at him sharply. "What did you say?"

He looks genuinely surprised at my astonishment. "You didn't know? I read a review of your studio in the paper a week ago. The reviewer says that his daughter absolutely loves the place and you."

"They like it? And me?"

Spencer rummages in his coat pocket for a moment before his hand emerges with a slightly crumpled newspaper clipping. "And I quote: 'My daughter Emma and her friends in Ms. Paranosz's afternoon ballet class only have the best things to say about their teacher. She's gentle and kind, and relates well to the kids. If you have a child who wishes to start learning ballet, this is the place to send them.' I wasn't lying to you Ani."

"I had no idea they were saying these things." I cannot hide the amazement that creeps into my voice. I lean over, just to make sure the clipping is real.

"You're doing amazing things for these girls, Ani. At least for their sakes don't fall apart."

Spencer's words are exactly what I have needed to hear. They put everything in place so succinctly that I cannot ignore the truth. Falling apart into a million pieces will accomplish nothing. Instead, I firmly grasp my future and set my feet back on the path that they had tried to walk before. "What about you, Spence?"

"I'm always just a phone call away if you need me.

-.-.-.-

I have crossed the boundaries of countries in search of a better life. With each step I took in my journey, I encountered things I never thought could happen to a person. What I experienced here in America bore to the world the deepest, most raw emotions a person can have. When everything is weighed and measured, I have achieved part of that elusive, somewhat misleading American Dream.

As I stand in the middle of this brightly lit ballet studio surrounded by young girls, I occasionally glance at the clock, waiting for the other part of my American Dream. Then, at precisely 4 o'clock, in walks my American Dream, wearing the guise of an awkward but sweet man. The girls, clad in pink leotards and ballet skirts, squeal "Dr. Reid!" then swarm him like flies to honey. He laughs and greets them all before looking up to see me laughing at the scene before me. And when that brilliant smile flashes at me, I know that everything is just right.

Fin

A/N: That's the end. I hope you all have enjoyed reading this as much as I have writing it. I have another Criminal Minds fic in the works, so look for that coming out soon. Reviews are nice! See you all again sometime!