Chapter Twenty-One
Everything Dumbledore Said
"It's hard to wait around for things that might not even happen, it's even harder to give them up when you know they are all you ever wanted"-Anon
The next day was like a cruel calm before the storm. I knew what was coming, hell I had invited it in, but that Wednesday is a day that will remain burned upon my memory as the day I had my last ever conversation with Dumbledore and it was a conversation that I would replay over and over again.
He had found me wandering around the seventh floor corridor some time before dinner having completed my potions exam, the little phial of Pax safe in my pocket along with a pretty certain Outstanding mark, don't ask me what he had been doing up there, to this day I maintain that he had sought me out.
I'd been standing in a tiny alcove off the main corridor, hidden from passers-by but open to those who knew where to look.
"Miss Granger, an unusual place to indulge in what seems like a severe bout of melancholia", he smiled at me gently as he approached. I tore my eyes away from the portrait of the Battle of Waterloo, the only portrait in Hogwarts that failed to move and yet I wonder had anyone even noticed it before.
"I like this picture", I said not responding to his comment. "I like that it doesn't move, it reminds me that some things are constant, unmoving, unchanging".
He stood beside me and clasped his hands in front of him, "I always liked this portrait too, indeed it was me who put it here but not for the reasons you are lamenting. I put it here to see how many people would notice it over the years and do you know so few have", he sighed disappointedly.
"I'm not surprised", I said bitterly having discovered for myself how innocuous the current student body was.
"The last time I stood here and discussed this portrait with another student was quite recently in fact, prior to that it had been many years".
"Is that right?" I said, unable to keep the sarcasm from my tone.
"Mr Malfoy can be incredibly observant sometimes".
That chastened me, "Malfoy found this picture?"
"Indeed, he was examining it in much the same way you are only three weeks ago, although I found his general demeanour that day somewhat concerning. He seemed to fixate on the picture being unmoving in rather the opposite way you have illustrated. He found it profoundly sad that this picture was frozen, never moving forward just capturing one tiny moment in a much larger historical battle".
Malfoy had been right in the middle of fixing the cabinet at that stage and it was during the period of weeks when he had been incoherent and rambling even to me. It was a wonder Dumbledore hadn't sent him to Mungoes for evaluation.
"Prior to him I discussed this picture with Mr Riddle", Dumbledore sounded so nonchalant as if he was merely talking about a past student that had disappointed him and not the most powerful dark wizard of my generation.
"Voldemort? You discussed this painting with Voldemort. What did he have to say about it?"
"Not very much as I recall, he found it fascinating that muggles would bother to battle about anything since there was no magic involved".
I snorted, "Sorry sir, that strikes me as quite funny since the battles muggles fought and fight still seem to me to be just as damaging and they result in the same things as magical battles; people die".
"Miss Granger", he turned to me suddenly, his withered right hand clasped in his left, his eyes filling with urgency and it struck me how old he really was. "Something has changed for you and Mr Malfoy, I see that now. You are dealing with the most dangerous of all feelings and one that is destined to get you hurt but it is he whom it will hurt the most. Indeed, I worry that it may destroy him".
"I don't know what you mean", I said not meeting his gaze.
"Yes you do, you come from a world where compassion and second chances thrive, Mr Malfoy does not and his feelings for you will never be accepted".
"Sir, what point are you trying to make here?"
"Forgive him".
My knees shook at this and my hands began to tremble, did this mean that Dumbledore knew what was going to happen? Did he know that Malfoy had been given a task to kill him? Did he know Death Eaters were coming into the school?
"Forgive him for all that he has done and all the follies he has still to make. Understand that unlike you, Mr Malfoy never had a choice in any of the decisions he was forced to make".
"Sir...I...", I wanted to tell him to stay away as long as possible tomorrow night, to come back prepared just in case the worst should happen, to tell him that Malfoy had to kill him but as I stared into his eyes I realised that everything and anything I was about to say seemed utterly futile and I had the strangest feeling that Dumbledore knew and comprehended far more than I ever could.
So instead, I sighed and nodded, "I'll try".
"He will need you before the end and while you may not be able to even meet his eye, being there will make all the difference. Most importantly, remember never to regret the choices you made, fate has a way of making it impossible to know what is going to happen and when. Now I think I will go for dinner, I hear there is roast beef", he smiled at me and turned to go.
"Oh and Miss Granger?"
I turned to face him.
"You really are a very clever witch, please don't ever forget that".
I watched as he walked away, my eyes filling with tears, my mind attempting to lock in every last bit of him, his long flowing purple robes, his white hair, his half moon glasses. I collapsed to the floor as soon as I knew he was out of ear shot and I cried. I cried for him, I cried for Malfoy but mostly I cried for myself, knowing that I had kissed goodbye to the very last opportunity I would ever have to say something about what I knew.
I remained on that floor for a long time beneath the portrait, my tears continued to fall as I watched the shadows of people passing by in the main corridor. Surprisingly, it was Malfoy and Pansy who found me.
"Just go back to the common room would you, I'll follow you down".
"You're going to gawp at that picture again Draco, why won't you let me stay with you when you do?"
"I'm still annoyed at you for telling Granger I'd proposed, I knew you liked to make things up but that was just overkill on your part now bugger off".
"Draco..."
At that moment, Malfoy had stepped into the alcove and seen me, crumpled in a heap on the floor tears still falling freely down my eyes. Thankfully, as my eyes met his he was blocking Pansy from view.
"Fuck off Pansy, I won't tell you again", he growled not removing his eyes from my face. He looked unbelievably calm, his hands were deep in his trouser pockets, his shirt untucked beneath his shirt and his tie loose about his neck. His hair was falling into his eyes which had softened, the grey of them seeming less cold somehow.
He came and slumped beside me, "If I were a girl I don't see how I would ever get stressed you know, you girls cry so much surely all the stress just leaks out your eyes", he smiled at me.
I dried my tears only slightly annoyed. "I was looking at this picture and talking to Dumbledore".
"You never made it to dinner".
"No, he...he just made me...the whole thing just made me sad".
"What did he say?"
"He asked me to forgive you, he said that you'd never had a choice".
"Well he got something right then. Sometimes, when he speaks like that to me I think that he knows. I don't know how, I mean I don't know who there is to tell him but I'm nearly convinced he knows and that he also knows he can't or won't do anything to stop me".
I leaned into his shoulder, "I thought the same thing but remember he won't even be here tomorrow, did you tell them?"
"Yes, they will come tomorrow at midnight and you will be in the common room and I'll probably never see you again".
"Don't say that", I whispered. "We've only just found, whatever this is between us, we can't lose it now".
"We both knew it wouldn't last".
"That doesn't mean we both wanted it to end. Does that mean we can say it now?" I lifted my head to look at him, "Can we both say the words we've stopped ourselves from saying all these months?"
He smiled at me, "No Granger, we can't say them. I don't want to hear them when at this stage they won't convey enough meaning, they couldn't possibly encapsulate everything I need them to. You mean so much more to me than those three flimsy words could describe".
I smiled at all that he had said, "It would still be nice to hear them".
"Nobody gets what they want Granger", he smirked.
"Promise me something then?"
"Depends", a Malfoy to the end, never promise something before you know what it is.
"Promise me that when the time is right, that when there is nowhere else to go and nowhere else to turn, you'll say them to me?"
"That moment could be closer than you think Granger", he sighed.
"Promise me".
He looked at me again now, brushing a hair from my face. "You really are so bossy. I promise".
He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, gently probing his tongue against them demanding entry which he knew I would never refuse. He pulled away after a time and stood up.
"Come to the room of requirement tonight, 11pm would be good".
"What for?" I said standing also and straightening my skirt.
"If it's going to be our last time, then we're going to do it in a bed and I'm going to relish every bit of you".
He ran a hand down my arm and then gripped my wrist, "I'm going to make sure that anyone you have after me will pale in comparison".
"How could I have anyone after you? You've ruined me as it is", it was meant as a joke, a slight jest but the words came out so seriously that Malfoy stilled and his eyes dimmed.
"I know how that was meant but the idea of you being with anyone else makes me want to murder every man who could have a shot with you, I can't stand the idea of someone else kissing you, someone else's hands touching you".
"I'm yours Draco remember?" With that I turned and walked away from him knowing that when I went to the room of requirement it would be a night of pure possession for both of us.
Just as he said I was his and I couldn't leave, well there was no way he was leaving this school tomorrow night without me.
He was mine.
And nobody else could have him.